Okay, one more time from the top.
Six beats, all right?
One, two, three, four. One, two...
To be on the wire is life. The rest is waiting.
That's very theatrical, Joe.
- Yeah, I know. - Did you make it up?
I wish I had.
- Do you like it? - Well, it's all right.
It's showtime, folks!
♪ They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway ♪
♪ They say there's always magic in the air ♪
♪ But when you're walking down that street ♪
♪ And you ain't had enough to eat ♪
♪ The glitter rubs right off ♪
♪ And you're nowhere ♪
♪ They say the women treat you fine ♪
♪ On Broadway ♪
♪ But looking at them ♪
♪ Just gives me the blues ♪
♪ 'Cause how you gonna make some time ♪
♪ When all you've got is one thin dime ♪
♪ And one thin dime won't even shine ♪
♪ Your shoes ♪
♪ They say that I won't last too long ♪
♪ On Broadway ♪
♪ I'll catch the Greyhound bus for home ♪
♪ They all say ♪
♪ But they're dead wrong I know they are ♪
♪ 'Cause I can play this here guitar ♪
♪ And I won't quit till I'm a star ♪
♪ On Broadway ♪
♪ They say that I won't last too long ♪
♪ On Broadway ♪
"Autumn." Is that your real name?
Yes, sir.
Sure you don't want to change that?
Well, if you give me the job, I'll change it.
♪ But they're dead wrong I know they are ♪
♪ 'Cause I can play this here guitar ♪
♪ And I won't quit till I'm a star ♪
"Victoria Porter."
Is this your, uh... your home phone?
♪ Till I'm a star ♪
♪ On Broadway ♪
♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪♪
You were in The Wiz?
I've never been in any show in my life.
I had to put something. I really need a job, so I lied.
That's all right. I lie all the time myself.
Oh, fuck him. He never picks me.
I did fuck him, and he never picks me either.
- You were in Traffic Jam? - Yes, sir.
Who was the director of Traffic Jam?
- You were, Mr. Gideon. - Oh. How was I?
- Terrific. - And who was the choreographer?
- You were, Mr. Gideon. - How was I?
- Fantastic. - That's how you get a job.
God! I hope he doesn't pick her.
She's uglier than a witch's tit.
The expression is "colder than a witch's tit."
How would you know? You've never seen a woman's tit.
Shh! Be quiet.
Okay. Thank you all very much. It was a terrific audition.
Just stay in line.
Now, that's what I call a real drinker's nose.
And you should know, because you're a real drinker, aren't you?
Yeah.
- Also heavy into speed, aren't you? - Yeah.
Also sleep with a great many women.
Real turn-off, huh?
Just the opposite.
I'll make up my mind about the men later, but I know which girls I want now...
Candy, Casey, Rima, Jennifer, and Victoria Porter.
- In the shocking pink leotard? - Yeah.
See if any are willing to be swing dancers.
- She's tone-deaf, Joey. - With those legs, who cares?
Joey, I know you're in a hurry.
- I just want to check your schedule. - Same as always.
Joey? Joey, can we talk a minute, please?
- Joey... - What is it?
- What about Diane? - You left me without a soprano again!
Paul, please, please, will you let me handle it?
- What about Diane? - What about Diane?
- I've had her in three shows. She's wonderful. - She's wonderful.
- He needs a soprano. - You left me without a soprano. I gotta have a soprano!
Gentlemen, Mr. Gideon will make up...
The tall dancer on stage right...
with the blue eye shadow... he'll hit the high notes.
Tovar, Narin-Smith...
The five Murray is talking to are the girls I want. Okay with you?
The tall girl, Victoria... I like her, Daddy.
Mm, she's all right.
Oh, I really screwed up that marriage.
Because I cheated. Oh, man, I cheated every chance I could get.
Okay with you, Audrey?
Sure, fine with me. What about this weekend with Michelle?
Oh, Jesus! I forgot. I gotta work this weekend.
Oh, Joe, you promised her!
I know I promised, but what am I gonna do?
That's okay.
- I'm sorry, Michelle. - That's okay.
If you want me, I'll be in the cutting room.
He promised me.
Some fucking father!
- Family? - Screwed up.
- Work? - All there is.
If I were God, man...
sometimes I think I am...
Depends on the shit you're smoking.
Mm, okay.
If I were God, man...
everybody would live forever.
No death, man!
No pennies on the eyes for anybody.
Well, there are a couple people, like my agent, who booked me into this toilet.
Why is he mumbling like that?
I'll tell you why: 'Cause I'm the dummy who let him mumble like that.
- Right. - Shh! - death and the clap.
So far I've managed to avoid one of them.
You know, man, death is really a hip thing now.
But we all have very different feelings about it.
For instance, to a Catholic, death is a promotion.
Excuse me, Stacy.
Women.
Uh...
hope?
There's all this bullshit about death with dignity.
You know what death with dignity is? You don't drool.
Change-of-pace time. Request. Here we go.
Vic O'Dante. Hey!
Beauty?
- You're a flirt. - Mm-hmm.
♪ Death is in, death is in ♪
♪ Hear them church bells ring ♪
Ah, I love it, I love it, I love it.
Books, magazine articles, TV shows...
Ken and Barbie dolls who have a mutual suicide pact.
How many times do we have to look at the same thing?
Until he gets it the way he wants it.
There's a lady in Chicago, man, wrote a book...
Dr. Kubler-Ross, with a dash.
This chick, man...
without the benefit of dying herself...
has broken the process of death into five stages...
anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Sounds like a Jewish law firm.
"Good morning. Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance."
Anger.
"Jesus Christ!
Goddamn son-of-a-bitch pig-fucking bastards!
Oh, poo!"
Bargaining.
What did I say? Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
If you happen to get to denial...
denial... "No.
No, that's not me, man. No. Oh, ho-ho!
Somebody else, maybe, but not me. Oh, no.
You got the wrong... How about my mother, man?
She's old, I'm weaned, I'm toilet-trained. I don't need her anymore.
'Bye, Ma. You've been terrific. I love ya, but not me!"'
Mother.
Kind of chubby. And jolly.
And sexy.
Bargaining! Remember her?
"Can we sit down and talk about this like businessmen?
A negotiation, okay? No more hard drugs.
A little grass, maybe, but that's it.
Okay? Look, I promise I won't flash on subways anymore, okay?"
Cat drives a hard bargain.
Depression.
Hi, Katie.
"I'm dying!
Oh, God, am I dying!
Do you want to have dinner together before I go to the theater?
- I can't. - The doctor's not dying!
Should I come over to your apartment later?
- Yeah, sure. - Father?
Liar, cheat, womanizer. You would've liked him.
Wait a minute. We may be working very late tonight.
- That's okay. - Yeah.
- We'll talk later. - ...for this hospital room!
At those prices, man, who can afford to live?
So...
acceptance.
- "I accept..." - Hold it.
- Hold it, Irv. - You finished, or run it again?
No, I do not want to run it again, thank you. We are finished.
- Thank you, Irv. - Anybody have any ideas?
I like it, Joe. I think it's really funny.
Who asked you, Stacy?
It's too long. I don't know.
Maybe we can get away with it.
Do you suppose Stanley Kubrick ever gets depressed?
- You want to work tonight, Joe? - No. I wish I could...
but I gotta work on the show.
♪ It's the perfect ♪
- You have really got something special. - ♪ Way ♪
All right.
I want so to be a movie star.
Oh?
Ever since I was a little kid...
I wanted to see my face on the screen...
40 feet wide.
Oh, yeah?
♪ It's the perfect way ♪
"I have always depended...
on the kindness of strangers."
You're looking at my nose, aren't you?
- Hmm? - It's crooked.
It goes to the left. See?
I mean, like, I could always have it fixed, like that.
Do you think I could be?
- Huh? - You know.
A movie star, I mean.
In the movies.
Well, that's...
I don't know anybody that could answer that question.
It's...
It's a very freaky business, you know?
Yeah, I know all about that, but, like...
I want to know what you think.
Do you think I could be a movie star?
No.
Even with a nose job?
Well, that's fair.
Like you said, it is a freaky business, though.
You know, you could be wrong, right?
Right.
I don't dance so hot either, do I?
You will. I promise you.
You want to go to bed?
Yeah.
♪ To end a perfect ♪
♪ Day ♪
♪ It's the perfect ♪
♪ Way ♪
♪ Yay-yay ♪
♪ To say ♪
♪ I... ♪
♪ Love you ♪♪
I'm sorry.
- Oh, am I sorry. - Katie!
I should have called first.
Oh, shit!
Did I, like, screw anything up?
No.
I screwed it up.
Oh, I meant to call her.
Oh, boy, you are really something.
I'm Joey's mother.
Ever since he was so high, he's had such a crush on you!
I've always been fond of Joe too.
Of all the children, he was the least worry.
He worked in all those cheap burlesque clubs.
Always around stark-naked girls.
But did it bother him? No.
He never paid any attention.
Never even looked at them.
Amatis: "you love." Amant: "they love."
Amo, amas, amat...
amamus, amatis, amant.
Hey, kid. What kind of language is that?
Oh, it's not a language.
Just some jokes I'm working on.
Some crazy jokes.
"Pu..." "Pu..."
Puella. "Girl."
Oh.
First-year Latin?
It's my kid brother's.
- How old are you? - Nineteen.
Uh-huh. What year were you born?
Uh, 19... uh... 30...
Try 1934.
- Right. 1934. - 1935?
Yeah, 1935, yeah.
Now try 1492.
See ya around, kid.
Maybe we could have a drink together sometime.
Oh, sure.
You notice we have these small waitresses here, right?
You know why? Make the drinks look bigger.
That's my favorite one... the one with the big tips.
I got problems too. The other day I went to see my psychiatrist.
I told him I have suicidal tendencies. He says, "From now on, pay in advance."
I don't have to do this for a living.
I have four chinchillas at home in heat.
I make a lot of money I just have trouble passing it.
Is this on?
First-year Latin!
It's 3:00 in the morning.
Isn't it past your beddy time?
I don't look for big laughs. I'll settle for intelligent nods.
Anything. Wink.
You'd better stop lying or your nose will grow.
Ooh! Something's growing.
The drummer's not really with the band, but he has the car. Married 14 years.
Fourteen years. No children. Strict mother-in-law.
Let's continue on. Right now, ladies and gentlemen...
here he is, tops in taps...
may we present Mr. Joe Gideon!
You're on.
Joey's never done anything to disappoint me.
It's showtime, folks.
- Do you believe in love? - I believe in saying "I love you." Helps you concentrate.
Joe, they've asked me to go on tour with the show.
How long?
Six months. What do you think?
- And you say it all the time. - I say it a lot. A lot.
- When? - When it works.
You know I love you, Katie...
but I think you have to do what's best for you.
Just what do you mean?
Sometimes it doesn't work.
I mean, for your sake...
I think you should go.
Hello, Michael? It's Katie.
So...
did you mean it about dinner?
Wally's at 11:00? You're surprised?
I'm a little surprised.
Thank you.
Okay, Michael. Bye-bye.
I'm a little surprised too.
Isn't that nice?
Now we're all a little surprised.
- Who was that? - Michael Graham.
- Who is Michael Graham? - A dancer in my ballet class.
Straight? Or gay?
What do you mean?
I mean, is he looking to get laid...
or is he looking for Mr. Right?
He's straight.
And tall.
"Michael Graham" is a very tall name.
Goddamn it!
How dare you use my phone...
my telephone... to call somebody who's not gay?
I... You can go out with any girl... any girl in town.
That's right. I go out with any girl in town.
- I stay in with you. - Joe, it's not... oh, shit!
I'm spilling everything... the coffee... It's all wrong.
Everything is all wrong.
That's some set of rules you had for her.
Yeah, I know. I know.
As long as you could get away with it, right?
Right.
I don't want to go out with Michael Graham. I don't want to date.
I have no more small talk left.
I don't want to fool around...
I don't want to play games, and I don't want to fight.
I just want to love you.
Katie...
I try to give you everything I can give.
Oh, you give, all right...
presents, clothes.
I just wish...
you weren't so generous with your cock.
That's good!
Maybe I can use that sometime.
Katie, about the goddamn tour...
I don't think you should go.
Wrong reading.
Softly and with feeling.
Don't go.
Please?
Why do you suppose she put up with it?
Oh, I can think of many reasons for wanting to be with you.
Now, don't bullshit a bullshitter.
♪ Take off with us Take off with us ♪
♪ We're warming up so take off with us ♪
♪ N.Y. to L.A.-yay-yay ♪
♪ Goin' all the way-yay-yay ♪
♪ Won't you climb aboard ♪
♪ You'll ride as smooth as glass ♪
It's perfect! Didn't I tell you?
♪ Up there where the clouds are pillow-y ♪
♪ You're as close to heaven as you'll ever be ♪
♪ Lean back, relax Here come the snacks ♪
♪ Drop your diet Have a ball ♪
♪ Don't stop with one ♪
♪ Try 'em all ♪
♪ Music's ready to begin ♪
♪ Take out your headset Plug it in ♪
♪ What's your answer, chu-u-um ♪
- Just what the show needs. - ♪ Are you gonna co-o-ome ♪
♪ On the coolest, hottest trip ♪
♪ That's ever been ♪♪
Whoa! It's very, very good!
I think we might even get a commercial tie-in with the airlines.
Audrey?
Uh, ask, uh...
Yeah, it's okay. Uh...
let me see what I can do with it.
I think it's just what the show needs. It's catchy, it's bouncy. Right, Ted?
Yeah, it's very bouncy and catchy.
- Could we hear it again? - I'd love to.
Oh! Arnie...
Turn. That is some fucking music.
Turn back.
Arch your back. Extend the right leg.
Ease your partner down gently. Slide. Slide.
Slide!
Have you ever slept with another woman?
I once tried living with two girls... two girls at once.
We lived together.
- Laughed together. - Drank together.
Smoked together.
Slept together.
Woke up one morning...
one of them was gone.
On the bureau, she left a note.
I'm sorry.
I cannot share you anymore.
I want you all to myself...
or not at all.
Please. Please try to understand.
I not only understood, I... I was flattered.
I was flattered that she felt so strongly about me.
How did you know the note was to you?
"No. No, that's not me, man. No. Oh, ho-ho!
Somebody else, maybe, but not me."
- What is this, Eddie? - Got me. Talk to him.
Joey, I gotta talk to you about these time sheets.
Three weeks now we've been on triple-time.
The brass is eating my ass out!
You shot 82 days on a 65-day schedule.
On a four-month editing schedule, you've gone seven months.
We're already two million, two over the original budget.
Joey, God made the entire world in six days.
He didn't go on overtime once.
You can't even cut an hour-and-a-half movie...
in seven months, on triple-time?
Joey, I hate to do this. I'm usually a very calm man...
but this whole thing has got me terribly crazy.
I must put my foot down. The whole thing has gotta stop.
It has to stop. It's got to stop!
It just simply must stop!
Josh, I made a few changes in the monologue. I think you'll like it.
I have to go to rehearsal.
- At those prices, who can afford to live? - See you at 5:30, Eddie.
Nice talking to you, Josh.
So I accept!
Oh, my God. It is better.
- God help us all. - Wait a minute. Real dead body.
It's better.
Okay, that looks good. I like it. Everybody down, in a straight line.
Come on. Here we go. Move down, move down.
Move down, Victoria. And sing it out. Here we go.
Five, six, seven, eight.
♪ And any seat ♪
♪ You grab will be first-class ♪
Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. And I don't like it.
Uh, double that.
- Which button? - The white one. Down.
That stinks. Let's try something else. Do me a favor.
Take off your shoes.
What's that?
- It's a mint. - Can I have one?
No. Come on. You wouldn't like it.
Let me try this.
Here, you stand over here and then jump up on my shoulder.
God, you're getting heavy!
Put your leg in an arabesque. There we are.
- How are things at home? - Pretty good.
All right.
All right, watch your back, now.
- Anything you want to tell me? - I promised Mom I wouldn't bring it up.
But you're gonna bring it up anyway.
Sit down, Michelle. You can tell me anything.
Gimme your wrists. Ready, and...
jump!
It's just that I keep wondering, Dad...
Bend your knees.
What is it you keep wondering?
Why don't you get married again?
Do a head roll.
I don't get married again because I can't find anyone...
I dislike enough...
to inflict that kind of torture on.
Hey, why don't you marry Katie? She's terrific.
Keep rolling your head.
Straighten your leg.
Yeah, you're right. She's terrific.
That's exactly why I don't want to marry her.
Run off in the corner and jump, and I'll catch you.
What about Victoria? You're not too crazy about her.
Just run and jump. Never mind that.
Come on. And...
- What about the blonde? - What blonde?
The one in Philadelphia with the television show?
You know, the one Mom keeps talking about.
- Oh, yeah. That blonde. - Mm-hmm.
Jump up and wrap your legs around me.
Wrap around. That's it.
Why is it so important to you that... Follow my hand.
Why is it so important that I get married again?
'Cause then you'd settle down and stop screwing around.
Hey! Watch your language.
Oh, shit!
- Look at the time. - Can't we stay a little longer?
- No, your mother will kill me. - It's so much fun!
- No. Absolutely. Come on. - Just five minutes!
Stop flocking your legs. Come on!
- I'll get you home. - Please?
No, no, no, no.
Besides, if you got married again...
maybe you'd have a baby, and I'd have a little brother.
I'll call Hertz and rent you a brother.
- Very funny. - Oh, everybody's a critic.
Showtime, folks.
Showtime.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Stop smiling. Lay back.
Lay back!
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Candy, Casey, very good. You're gonna do it again, Victoria.
Gary, Danny, let's go.
Stop smiling. It's not the high-school play.
- Count. - Five, six, seven, eight.
Hold it.
Stand on your right foot.
Point your left toe.
Drop that shoulder.
Now, that's not too hard, is it?
Again.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Lay back, Victoria. Lay back! Lay back!
Hold it, hold it.
- I'm sorry. - No, you're right.
I'm terrible. I know I'm terrible.
I look in the mirror, and I'm embarrassed.
Maybe I should quit. I... I just can't...
seem to do anything right.
Listen, I can't make you a great dancer.
I don't even know if I can make you a good dancer.
But if you keep trying and don't quit...
I know I can make you a better dancer.
And I... I'd like very much to do that.
Stay?
Are you gonna keep yelling at me?
Probably.
Five, six, seven, eight. One and two...
Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, one, two.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, one, two.
- Better. - All right!
Breathe deep. Again.
Hold it.
All right, you can turn around now.
Breathe deep.
Again.
All right, you can put your shirt on now.
Well, Doctor? Does he pass?
Good. Now I'm worth a million dollars.
That's only if you die before February 1.
Schedules, Goldie... always schedules.
Can we take you to lunch, Doctor?
♪ And any seat ♪
- ♪ You grab will be first-class ♪ - One, two, three, four...
five, six, seven, eight.
Nah, that's no good either. Let's try this.
- There's your 412th. - I do the same as before?
Yeah, same thing, only I'll be behind you. Ready?
♪ And any seat you grab ♪
♪ Will be first-class ♪
Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
All right, let's everybody try it.
Grab a partner. Sandahl, you do it alone.
Okay, here we go. Ready?
Five, six, seven...
♪ And any seat you grab ♪
♪ Will be first-class ♪
And feet together. Five, six, seven, eight.
Do it again.
Once more, everybody.
Ready? Five, six, seven...
♪ And any seat you grab ♪
♪ Will be first-class ♪
Three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Okay.
Okay, once more, everybody.
I gotta get out of here. I'll be back later.
- How does this look, Paul? - I love it. Love it.
No. It's too cute.
Oh, shit!
I can't go back to that room. I can't face those dancers.
I'm stuck.
They keep staring at me, and nothing's coming out.
- Oh, boy, that number's lousy! - My song? Lousy?
No, not the song. Me, me.
The way I'm staging it.
- Maybe we should cut it. - "Cut it"?
I think I'll leave.
Paul, sit right there.
Go back to bar 17.
And...
Did you hear what I said? Nothing is coming.
Don't worry, Paul.
He always says the same thing about every number in every show.
How the hell do you know what I always say?
Don't you think it would be better if I stepped outside?
Keep playing, Paul.
I'm only doing this show because you want to play that stupid 24-year-old girl.
I knew sooner or later you'd say that.
You do think I'm too old for the part.
Well, you're wrong.
I can play 24 years old...
and I'll damn well prove it.
You want to quit the show? Quit the show.
You don't have to do anything for me...
but just don't kid yourself that you're doing this show...
for any other reason except guilt about me.
Guilt? What guilt?
For never going one day when you were faithful to me.
Oh. That guilt.
Faithful, faithful!
You're always talking about being faithful.
Audrey, why do you think so small?
Besides, how do I know you were faithful to me?
Oh, you know I was.
That's right. I know you were.
Oh! You meant to do that.
Yes, I did.
You kept me working all the time.
I never had a chance to cheat.
What is this big hang-up you've got about fidelity?
What makes you think that being faithful...
is the greatest friggin' virtue in the world?
Excuse me. Well...
it is a great deal better than those...
meaningless affairs you keep tap-dancing through...
those Stacys, those Victorias.
You're not even fooling Michelle with Victoria, you know.
Straighten that leg.
It is as straight as it's ever going to get.
Oh! The Boonies...
the Wendys, the Debbies, the Donnas...
I can't even remember all their names. Give me a hand.
Keep playing, Paul.
Bet you can't either.
Quick, tell me: What was the name of the girl in Philadelphia...
the blonde with the television show?
Ah. The blonde with the television show.
The blonde in Philadelphia? I remember that girl's name.
I remember because that girl meant something to me.
The blonde with the television show, her name was Sweetheart.
- Honey? - No.
Baby?
I can't remember her name.
Dorothy.
- Dorothy. - Who cares?
I can't remember her name.
The number's looking good. Keep working.
- Is he gonna cut the number? - No, I don't think so, Paul.
He's gonna cut it. He's gonna cut it.
Oh, God, that man!
He's gonna drive me crazy.
It's showtime, folks.
It's, uh... It's not quite ready yet.
And, uh, Paul...
it's not exactly the way we talked about it.
- Hmm? - It's a little different.
- You mind doing that somewhere else? - Sorry.
If you want to come in, I'll show you in five minutes.
I want to get a drink of water.
♪ Take off with us-s-s-s-s ♪
- ♪ We're warmin' up, so ♪ - ♪ We're warmin' up ♪
♪ N.Y. to L.A.-yay-yay ♪
♪ Going all the way-yay-yay ♪
♪ Won't you climb aboard ♪
♪ You'll ride as smooth as ♪
♪ Glas-s-s-s ♪
♪ Meet our friendly eager crew ♪
♪ They only live to service you ♪
- ♪ Service, service, service, service ♪ - ♪ Service you, service you ♪
♪ This flight This flight comes complete ♪
♪ With your choice of seat ♪
♪ And any seat you grab ♪
♪ Will be first-class-s-s-s-s ♪
♪ Up there where the clouds are pillow-y ♪
♪ You're as close to heaven as you'll ever be ♪
♪ Lean back, relax ♪
♪ Here come the snacks ♪
♪ Drop your diet Have a ball ♪
♪ Don't stop, don't stop don't stop with one ♪
♪ Try 'em all ♪
- ♪ Try 'em all ♪ - ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Music's ready to begin ♪
♪ Take out your headset Plug it in ♪
♪ What's your answer, chu-u-um ♪
♪ Are you gonna co-o-ome ♪
♪ On the coolest, hottest ♪
♪ Coolest, hottest ♪
♪ Coolest, hottest trip ♪
- ♪ That's ever been ♪ - ♪ Don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you wanna go higher now ♪
♪ Don't you, don't you, don't you don't you wanna go higher now ♪
- ♪ Fly, fly, fly, fly ♪ - ♪ Don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you wanna go higher now ♪
♪ Lean back, relax ♪♪
Thanks, thanks a lot, but it's not exactly over yet.
- Murray? - Smoke, smoke...
smoke, smoke.
The lights go down, and a light comes up over there.
Welcome.
Welcome aboard Airotica.
♪ Take off with us ♪
Flying not only coast-to-coast...
But anywhere your desires and fantasies wish to take you.
♪ Take off with us ♪
Let us all get to know one another.
Remember: We can take you anywhere.
- They're taking their clothes off. - Mm-hmm.
Just reach out your hand and introduce yourselves.
- My name is Sandahl. - My name is Autumn.
- My name is Jennifer. - My name is Rima.
- Gary. - John.
Uh-oh.
I think we just lost the family audience.
- My name is Candace. - My name is Jennifer.
- My name is Rima. - My name is Danny. - My name is Autumn.
- My name is Sandahl. - My name is John. - My name is Gary.
And don't forget about our group fun-fun-fun plan.
Now Sinatra will never record it.
Then an actor comes out from the side of the stage and says...
"Not once during any of our flights..."
- Good-bye. - See you around.
- Hope to see you again soon. - It was nice to have met you.
- You mean a lot to me. - Well, uh...
- Good-bye. - "Our motto is...
'We take you everywhere but get you nowhere."'
I hate to hurt his feelings...
- but we can't have that on a stage. - Take five?
- Sure. - Take five.
Well?
Eh, it's, um...
It's, uh...
interesting.
Mm, yes. Very interesting.
Did you like it?
- It's unusual. - Mm-hmm. Very unusual.
Ooh, I don't think they liked it.
What do you think?
I don't know about the audiences...
but I think it's the best work you've ever done.
You son of a bitch.
Jesus Christ! Sex, sex, sex!
Can't he ever think of anything else but sex?
It's a sickness.
Nah. Nothing I ever do is good enough.
It's not beautiful enough, it's not funny enough...
it's not deep enough, it's not anything enough.
Now, when I see a rose, that's perfect.
I mean, that's perfect.
I want to look up to God and say, "How the hell did you do that...
and why the hell can't I?"
That's probably one of your better con lines.
It is, but that doesn't mean I don't mean it.
If I were God...
sometimes I think I am...
Depends on the shit you're smoking.
If I were God, man...
everybody would live forever.
No death, man. No pennies on the eyes for anybody.
You know, man, death is really a hip thing now.
Death is in.
- Books, magazine articles, TV shows... - It's terrific!
Ken and Barbie dolls who have a mutual suicide pact.
Bury them in a little shoebox. Knew a guy who bought a pair.
He was into doll necrophilia.
If it cooks!
All right, little thing! Whoo!
It's terrific!
There's a lady in Chicago, man, wrote a book...
Dr. Kubler-Ross, with a dash.
This chick, man, without the benefit of dying herself...
has broken the process of death into five stages...
anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
- That's it. Eddie. - Kill it, Irv.
- Got time to make some changes? - Not and make the screening tonight, no.
- I cannot believe people are gonna see this. - Neither can I.
- It's a bomb. - Really?
Yeah, really. You're gonna have to make a speech.
Tell 'em it's a rough cut, we're not finished yet...
- or any excuse you can think of. - Why don't you tell 'em?
- I'm not gonna be there. - You're not coming to the screening?
- Where you gonna be? - Hiding someplace.
Probably vomiting or drinking... or both.
We'll start recutting Monday morning.
They really bought that love story?
Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't answering the phone.
I think they told me they liked it.
Just wasn't answering the phone.
Come on. Don't bullshit a bullshitter.
No, I don't believe you would.
I'll have her home by 10:30. Don't worry.
Bye.
Oh, shit!
Hello. Stacy?
Oh, listen. I'm sorry. I'm in a meeting.
Just don't panic on the staircase.
At least three people said how much they liked the screening.
One was my producer...
one was my lawyer, and one was Michelle's mother.
Joe, everybody loved it.
We tried to tell you that last night. You wouldn't listen.
That was the first R-rated movie I ever saw, and I loved it.
- Did you understand it? - Well, I understood everything...
except the part where the two girls were in bed together kissing.
What was that supposed to mean?
- Is dinner ready yet? - No.
- What was that supposed to mean? - Well, Michelle...
uh, there are certain women who...
- Who...? - Thanks a lot.
Yeah.
There are certain women who just...
don't relate to men, so they...
I think lesbian scenes are a big turn-off.
You're right: I should've cut it.
- What's goin' on here? - Never mind. You'll find out.
- Couldn't I be doin' something? - Just sit there and turn off the lights when we tell you.
- Turn on the phonograph when we tell you. - Yes, ma'am.
Oh, no! No, don't...
- Where'd you get those hats? - We're not telling you.
- That's for us to know and you to find out. - Get back!
- The lights! - Joe, could you turn off the lights?
Now turn on those whatchamacallit lights.
Yes, ma'am.
Crash! Ladies and gentlemen, in honor...
of "el stink-o," "el blotto" screening...
of Joe Gideon's new film, The Stand-up...
we are proud to present...
those two dancing sensations, Jagger and Gideon...
- Gideon and Jagger!... - Gideon and Jagger!...
give us our music, Joe... in an under-rehearsed tribute.
- Sit down, Joe. - Sit down, Daddy.
And... go!
- I'm nervous. - I'm nervous too.
- Wait for it. - Wait for it.
Let's go, let's go!
♪ When trumpets were mellow ♪
♪ And everyone only had one fellow ♪
♪ No need to remember when ♪
♪ 'Cause everything old is new again ♪
♪ I said everything old is new again ♪
♪ Dancin' at your Long Island jazz-age parties ♪
♪ Waiter, let me have some more Bacardis ♪
♪ Let's order now what they ordered then ♪
♪ 'Cause everything old is new again ♪
- ♪ Get out your white suit your tap shoes and tails ♪ - Scoop, scoop.
- ♪ Let's go backward when forward fails ♪ - Great timing. Strut.
- I know. - ♪ Movie stars that you thought were long dead ♪
- Look familiar, Joe? - ♪ Now are framed beside your bed ♪
♪ Don't throw the past away ♪
♪ You might need it some rainy day ♪
♪ Dreams can come true again ♪
♪ 'Cause everything old is new again ♪
♪ I said everything old is new again ♪
♪ Get out the tap shoes the tap shoes and tails ♪
- ♪ Let's go backward when forward fails ♪ - Hop! Hop! Hop!
- ♪ Leave Greta Garbo alone ♪ - Strut! Strut!
- Go get him! - ♪ Be a movie star on your own ♪
♪ And don't throw ♪
♪ Don't throw the past away ♪
♪ Oh, we're all gonna need it some rainy day ♪
♪ Dreams can come true again ♪
♪ When everything old is new again ♪
- ♪ I said everything old is new again ♪ - Pretty pictures.
♪ I might fall ♪
- ♪ In love ♪ - Watch your feet.
♪ In love ♪
♪ With ♪
♪ You again ♪♪
- Can we do it again? - I don't want to!
It's showtime, folks.
And these two columns revolve New York to L.A.
And over here on the other side, the same thing.
Two staircases come down here...
and two more come back into the orchestra.
Oh, and this centerpiece moves out...
for the interior scenes...
and up there, that's Stan.
But you'll get familiar with it when we start.
Okay, now, all I want to do now...
is to read easily through the script...
and frankly, I'm not too familiar with it myself.
So if we go through it...
you'll give Paul and me some rough idea of what we've got.
Okay. No acting.
Everyone just take it easy. Easy.
All right, lights up.
Audrey, you have your first number...
and then you begin reading on page two.
"You see, Sammy, in California, everybody needs a car.
I got a friend who bought a Mercedes just to get to the bathroom."
"I guess only in America...
can a 24-year-old girl like me...
own a house like this in Beverly Hills."
Thank you all very much. You've done a wonderful job.
Take an hour and a half for lunch. Back at 3:00.
Don't forget to sign the Boston hotel list.
- Excuse me. - Anything wrong?
No, no. Nothing.
- There's no use to panic till we find out what it really is. - Would you stop that?
Dr. Ballinger is looking at him now. Ballinger is the best there is, Audrey.
- Dr. Hyman, we just left him. - About half an hour ago.
- And he seemed fine. - Just fine.
Well, he called. He said he had chest pains. His left arm was numb.
I'm bewildered myself. I checked him about a month ago.
All right, who's in charge of this all-important...
million-dollar show that Mr. Gideon keeps talking about?
I guess I am.
Mr. Gideon is having attacks of angina that could lead to a massive coronary.
Ah, shit! I gotta get back. I'm fine. What do doctors know?
About angina, just a little more than show people.
If you want to leave, fine, but I think you'll die. Can I see you?
Dr. Hyman?
The pain is gone. Nothing wrong with me a rewrite wouldn't cure.
- Couple of good jokes is what I need. - You can't leave now.
- Yes, I can. - Damn it, Joe!
Didn't you hear what the doctor just said?
Please, stay.
Joey, I've been talking to Dr. Ballinger...
Jonesy, wait a minute. Let me talk to the star here.
If I stay, how much time are we talking about?
At least two or three weeks.
You've got to be kidding!
I got a show to put on!
For chrissakes, will you talk to these people?
They don't understand anything!
Oh, Jesus.
- What's wrong? - Miss Collins.
- All right, easy. - Damn it.
You guys are doing this to me.
I wasn't sick until I got here.
- What's wrong with him? - It's exhaustion.
You're lying to me.
Yes.
Uh, no, I'm not a member of his immediate family.
I'm, uh... I'm his girlfriend.
Well, could I leave a message for him, please?
Could you tell him that... Hello?
It was just simply exhaustion.
He just tried to do too much.
Anyway...
we've made a decision to postpone the show for four months.
- The doctors assured us Joe will be fine. - There goes my new apartment.
Therefore the show will definitely be done. I promise.
Now, we're aware of the...
- financial burdens this might impose... - I gave up a TV series.
- On some of you, and... - What a dummy.
We're prepared to try to get you...
temporary jobs, or even lend you money.
Jonesy, easy on the money, easy on the money.
All right, Larry. All right, okay.
We don't have a lot of cash available, but...
what I'd like to say to you is...
I... we...
think of you all as family.
- Bullshit. - And we want to do...
everything we possibly can...
to keep you all together.
I was with him last night. Already he's much better.
I just left him an hour ago.
He was in a great mood... making jokes...
making passes at all the nurses...
and he told me to tell all of you he has a terrific idea...
- for a new hospital number. - Hold it, Audrey!
Hospital number, hospital number!
Just give me a minute. Stan, will you give me some room?
- How does the title "Hospital Hop" grab you? - It grabs me.
Great, great.
- I think I got it. I got it! - I think he's got it!
Stan, help me out, please.
Clap your hands!
Cheer up!
Let's go! Everybody!
And Lucas...
they are without question an absolutely...
marvelous cast.
Now we gotta wait around four months.
Maybe even lose them.
I can see where it'd be difficult to hold a cast like that together.
It's really a shame.
And, of course, even after four months...
a heart attack...
There's no guarantee that he'll be able to work.
None.
Jules, it's still too bright.
- Take number seven down to five... - And he's the greatest.
- And eight down to two. - Hmm.
And Lucas, I think we have a sure hit.
A sure hit.
Reads like a dream.
I'd love to read it sometime.
I'll get a copy to you this afternoon.
Oh, I forgot. Wait a minute.
I've got one right here with me.
Dimmer five up to three.
Hold that. That's good.
I know you couldn't care less about the money.
- Hmm? - What do you think about this, Lucas?
Is it any better?
No. No, no. It needs to be more... shadowy.
We talked about this, Jules.
It's a seduction scene.
Take the shadow lights to half.
How much, uh... is Joe getting?
Five percent of the gross until payoff.
Then he goes to six percent. Twenty percent of subsidiary rights...
- including a movie sale. - Thanks. That's good.
Well...
of course my schedule's impossible, but, uh...
you know how I feel about you, Jonesy.
You've been like a father to me.
And you a son to me.
I always look for the worst in people.
A piece of you in them?
Yeah. A piece of me.
And generally, I find it.
Well, it may take you years, but you'll find it.
Oh, you're cute. You are cute.
It's looking better.
I think we'll move you upstairs to a private room.
Oh, yeah.
But you better rest. If you don't, you're in for trouble.
Oh, I will, Doctor.
I promise. I will.
Mr. Gideon!
Mr. Gideon, what are you doing?
Oh, this? I was just getting rid of it.
I caught someone smoking and told him a man in my condition...
shouldn't even be around smoke.
I'm telling you, Gideon, I got real insight into you.
There's a deep-rooted fear of being conventional.
Right.
Your blood pressure is higher than we hoped.
Your cardiograms haven't improved one bit.
If you don't give a damn, it's hard to expect us to.
Mr. Gideon!
I'll leave these menus with you.
Please check off what you want for the coming weeks, okay?
Monday, I'll have roast beef. Tuesday, chicken. Wednesday, steak.
Thursday I plan to be dead, so... I'll just have something light.
Mr. Gideon!
She wrote a little note on the back. She said you'd understand.
"Dear loving, giving, generous"...
underlined four times... "Dad...
I hear nurses are nice people. Hint, hint.
Your poor, brother-less daughter."
Joe, what does it mean?
It means she's inherited her mother's determination.
That's what it means.
Oh, no. Thank you. No, no, no, no.
You're wonderful, wonderful. The word "superstar"...
is greatly overused in this business.
- Mm. - But for my next guest...
the word "superstar" is totally inadequate.
Whenever I do a benefit... and I've done 150, 160, 170 this year...
all for very worthy causes... I can always count on this dude...
to be right there with me.
I feel humbled in his presence.
From deep, deep in here, ladies and gentlemen...
- let me lay on you... - A great entertainer.
- A great entertainer... - A great humanitarian.
- A great humanitarian... - And my dear friend for 25 years.
And my dearest, dearest friend for20years...
You missed by five years.
Oh, boy, do I hate show business.
Joey, you love show business.
That's right. I love show business. I'll go either way.
I got insight into you, Gideon.
You know what's underneath?
The dreadful fear that you're ordinary...
not special.
Right.
I think...
I'm getting an erection.
Oh, Mr. Gideon, don't... don't do that!
That sex thing... Jesus!
Listen, I wouldn't say you were a faggot...
but you do have a lot of feminine characteristics.
Right?
Right.
You are foolishly and childishly flirting with disaster.
Joe, what are you doing?
You're really crazy! What do you want to do, kill yourself?
Dr. Ballinger told me to get a little exercise.
Everything he does seems to be a denial of his condition.
Dr. Ballinger, every time I've seen him, I get the impression...
that he doesn't care whether he lives or dies.
Yes, I know. But I think he cares a lot.
Starting now, we'll limit his visitors to no more than two.
Joe, I wish you could have been there.
9:30 this morning, before a single review was out...
the line at Cinema One was around the block.
The people know. I mean, the people know!
This broke every first-day record. It's a blockbuster. A blockbuster.
I mean a blockbuster!
And those guys in California...
You wouldn't believe the telephone calls.
"Congratulations," they say. "We're glad you took your time.
It was worth it.
Every dollar we put in that film is up there on the screen."
I'm telling you, they're talking about a $ 3 1/2 million advertising budget.
Three and a half million dollars!
I'm sorry. Excuse me. Do you believe that?
Three and a half million dollars!
This picture is going right through the roof.
Right through...
the roof!
Look at those reviews. See? We did it.
Joe, we did it!
Where are the bad ones?
There are no bad ones.
Josh.
There were a couple that quibbled a little. I left them at the office.
I want you to do me a favor: Don't show them to me.
Never.
- How were the television reviews? - I think we got Leslie Perry.
At the screening, she told me she loved it.
Following Joe Gideon's triumphant directorial achievement...
with Fifty Beautiful Girls, Fifty...
when he won every possible award...
it would be nice to report that Mr. Gideon's latest effort...
The Stand-up, starring Davis Newman...
was a better film.
- Oh, boy. Here it comes. - The Stand-up, however, does not quite stand up.
- Joey, turn it off, please. - Leaning toward the frenetic, Gideon falls...
into his characteristic weakness of trying too hard...
- to please, to entertain. - I'm gonna turn that off.
- Josh, no. I want to hear it. - Slickness obscures reality.
- The old razzle-dazzle obliterates drama. - What the hell does she know?
She never gave anything a good review.
That woman is totally unqualified to criticize anything.
She doesn't know a goddamn thing about film.
- Or anything. - She's not even reviewing a film.
She's telling you how clever she is!
where the has-been comic, played impeccably by Davis Newman...
demonstrates his former brilliance...
in a monologue where clearly...
director Gideon gave Mr. Newman free rein.
Rising above rather commonplace material...
- the actor creates a classic comic aura... - I don't care what she says.
I guarantee this picture will do 30 million domestic, at least.
- One of you better get somebody. - What?
I think I'm in trouble.
- I'll get somebody. - ...chopping offends of scenes before the drama has played out...
left this reviewer with bewilderment...
and a four-aspirin headache.
Using my four-balloon rating system...
I give The Stand-up half a balloon.
- How are you feeling? - The truth?
I'm scared.
Roll 'em. Action.
Oh-ho-ho-ho, my God.
Ladies and gentlemen, the doctors.
I'm Dr. Hyman, the internist.
I'm Dr. Garry, the surgeon.
- I'm Dr. Ballinger, the cardiologist. - Five, six, seven, eight.
ALL EXPLAINING CARDIOLOGY: VOICES OVERLAPPING
Huh?
That means he had total blockage...
in... two arteries.
Oh!
This is the man who would be my first choice...
as a modern-day saint.
When I was in those marches, like Selma...
this brother was shufflin' right alongside me...
long before those other cats who thought civil rights was a hip scene...
and jumped on the "blackwagon"...
The blackwagon!
Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on ya...
- A great entertainer. - a great entertainer...
- A great humanitarian. - a great humanitarian...
- And my dearest friend. - and my dearest, dearest friend...
- For years. - for 17years.
Let's hear it...
- See how much I learn from you? - I'm afraid you've learned too much.
There you are, Mr. Gideon. This is one of my...
A1, first-rate, top-drawer jobs.
That's it.
Good luck tomorrow.
Wh-What did you mean, I learned too much from you?
You're gonna make it. I'm hardly ever wrong.
Thanks.
You remember last Tuesday night?
It was raining...
very hard.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was raining. What about it?
I called you at midnight.
I must have been walking the dog.
I don't have time for this sort of thing.
You were with someone.
Yes.
And you made love to him.
Yeah.
Well, that's it, huh?
- We're finished? - I don't know.
How do you feel about me?
I love you.
Then I guess we're not finished.
Be-Because I really do love you, Katie.
- You mean that? - Ah, hell, no!
I was pissed off at her.
I don't know.
Yeah, I did mean it. Sort of.
Sometimes I don't know where the bullshit ends and the truth begins.
I just wanted to say something nice to her.
Why?
In case, uh...
"In case."
In case.
If I die...
I'm sorry for all...
the bad things I did to you.
And if I live...
I'm sorry for all the bad things...
I'm gonna do to you.
as stated in the declarations, sustained directly and solely...
as the result of injury, sickness, death of, or permanent disability...
Excuse me, Mr. Clark.
Larry, give me our figures.
Well, on an estimated production budget...
of $941,000...
with a contingency of 59,000 to round it out to the million...
so far we're in for at least two-thirds of the fees.
Design: 8,000. Costumes: 8,000.
Electrics: 4,000.
We're in for the full director-choreographer: 15,000.
Casting is another four.
Construction of scenery...
where more than half has been done...
that's 125,000-plus.
Stage manager's about 8, 000.
Press agent: 1,500.
Musicians: about two.
Assistants, secretaries, et cetera: 3,000.
Rehearsal halls and auditions: 9,500.
Script and administrative: 1,500.
Managers: I'd say 10.
Advertising and printing: about 20, 000.
Orchestrations: so far around 10,000.
Legal: 10,000. Auditing: 2,000.
Payroll taxes: maybe seven.
Well, seven.
Author's advances: 10,000. Equity bonds: 50,000.
Rehearsal salaries... and we've made some advances to a few of the cast...
about 43,000.
We're in for about, uh...
$480,500.
Yes.
That's the figure I had here.
And change.
Let me try to understand.
Of that figure, how much do we recoup?
I'm confused too. Do we get all of that or part or what?
Simply, here are the options. One:
If Mr. Gideon recovers...
and you resume production within the 180 days...
we are not liable for any of it.
Two: If Mr. Gideon should die...
and you resume production with another director within the 180 days...
we are still not liable.
Three, however:
If Mr. Gideon should expire before February 1...
and you abandon production...
we are liable for the full million dollars.
This means, gentlemen...
you could make a profit of...
$519,500.
You could be the first show on Broadway...
to make a profit without really opening.
Well...
it's all very clear to me.
There's all this bullshit about death with dignity.
You know what death with dignity is, man?
You don't drool.
Change-of-pace time. Request. Here we go.
Vic O'Dante. Hey!
♪ Death is in Death is in, my dear ♪
♪ Death is the thing ♪
Oh, that's very theatrical, Joe.
Please don't try to talk.
- You want to shoot it now? - Huh?
I can't understand him. I think he said "okay."
"Hospital Hallucination," take one.
There's a lady in Chicago, man, wrote a book.
Dr. Kubler-Ross, with a dash. This chick, man...
- without the benefit of dying herself... - On your marks, now.
Has broken the process of death into five stages...
- Ready? And... - Anger, denial, bargaining...
depression, and acceptance.
Playback.
♪ After you've gone ♪
♪ And left me cryin' ♪
♪ After you've gone ♪
♪ There's no denyin' ♪
♪ You'll feel blue ♪
♪ You'll feel sad ♪
- ♪ You'll miss the bestest pal ya ♪ - ♪ Ever had ♪
♪ There'll come a time ♪
♪ Don't forget it ♪
♪ There'll come a time ♪
♪ When you'll regret it ♪
♪ Some day ♪
♪ When you grow lonely ♪
♪ Your heart will break like mine ♪
♪ And you'll want me only ♪
♪ After you've gone ♪
- ♪ Away ♪ - ♪ Away ♪♪
Cut!
Want to print it?
Jesus, Joe, you're way behind schedule! You gotta print it.
- Next setup. - Roll 'em.
"Katie," take two.
Listen, huh?
Playback!
♪ You better change your way of livin' ♪
- ♪ And if that ain't enough ♪ - She's right. Listen.
♪ You better change the way you strut your stuff ♪
♪ 'Cause nobody wants you when you're ♪
♪ Old and gray ♪
♪ You better change your way today ♪
♪ You better change your way ♪
Can you hear me, Joe? I'm talkin' to ya.
- Ya gotta lay off the booze, Joe. - Ax the amphetamines.
You gotta stop screwin' around, Daddy.
♪ You better stop ♪
♪ You better change ♪
♪ You better stop ♪
♪ You better change ♪
♪ You better stop You better change ♪
♪ You better stop, you better change You better stop ♪
♪ And change your ways today ♪
♪ I said stop, change, stop ♪♪
- Please? - Cut!
Huh?
- Print it. - "Old Friends," take three.
Playback.
- ♪ Who's sorry now ♪ - It hurts, doesn't it?
♪ Who's sorry now ♪
♪ Whose heart is aching ♪
- Just look at you, Daddy. - ♪ For breaking each vow ♪
- All those broken vows. - ♪ Who's sad and blue ♪
♪ Who's crying too ♪
♪ Just like we cried over you ♪
- And we cried a lot. - Oh, a lot.
- Me too. - ♪ Boo-hoo ♪
- ♪ Right to the end ♪ - It's getting close, Joe.
- ♪ Just like a friend ♪ - Where were you, Joe?
We tried to warn you ♪
♪ Somehow ♪
You didn't listen, Daddy. You didn't listen.
♪ You had your way ♪
♪ Now you must pay ♪
♪ We're glad that ♪
♪ You're sorry now ♪♪
Cut!
You blew it. You forgot your line.
At the end of this number, you're supposed to say, uh...
- What's he supposed to say? - He's supposed to say...
"I don't want to die. I want to live."
Well, look, if you can't say it, you can't.
We'll just have to cut it.
Cut it. Take me up. Next setup.
♪ Some of these days ♪
♪ You're gonna miss me, Daddy ♪
♪ Some of these days ♪
♪ You're gonna feel so lonely ♪
♪ You'll miss her huggin' ♪
♪ You'll miss her kissin' ♪
♪ You'll miss me, Daddy ♪
♪ If you go away ♪
♪ I'll feel so lonely ♪
♪ Just for you only ♪
♪ For you know, Daddy ♪
♪ You had your way ♪
A lot.
♪ And if you leave her ♪
♪ You know, you know, you're gonna gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna grieve her ♪
♪ You're gonna miss your sweet, little, lovin' ♪
♪ Baby daughter Michelle ♪
- ♪ Some of these days ♪ - Don't die, Daddy! Don't die! Please?
- ♪ Some of these days ♪ - You can't leave this poor little kid without a father!
- ♪ Some of these days ♪ - She needs ya, Joe! She needs ya!
♪ Some of these days ♪♪
Oh, no.
You don't have any lines here.
Real dead body Real dead body.
And... sticks.
Please don't try to talk.
If you want to tell me anything, just write it on this pad.
No. No. Come on, not now.
Please leave.
- Please? - ♪ Who's sorry now ♪
- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure. Just go.
"Am I alive?"
All right, Joe.
Yes, you are alive.
This is gonna hurt a little.
Hmm.
That came out nice.
Miss Paris, would you like to see something nice?
Oh, that is beautiful!
That is an absolutely beautiful scar, Dr. Garry.
- Mm. Thank you. - How soon do you think he'll be able to work?
Well, he's out of intensive care, back in a private room.
The doctor says it's just a matter of rest.
Two months at the outside.
You know Joey. This morning he said he could hardly wait.
Said he had a lot of new ideas.
Mm. And not all that sex stuff, either.
Well, that's terrific.
You must feel really good about that, Jonesy.
Relieved. We're all relieved.
Check, please.
I did some thinking about your script and made a few notes.
Ah! My.
Use them, don't use them... you know, whatever you want.
I hate to bother you, but are you... Lucas Sergeant?
- Yes. - Would you mind?
No, no. Not at all.
I'm an actress, and next to Joe Gideon, you're my favorite director.
I'm so sorry your show was a flop.
- Best of luck with your career. - Thank you so much.
Lucas, you put in an awful lot of work on this.
I'm moved.
- Yoo-hoo! Teddy! - For somebody to do something like this just...
just out of friendship, it touches me.
Listen, what are friends for? We're all rooting for each other.
I'm just pleased that Joe is well again.
- Let me get this. - No, Lucas. This is on me.
I said I'll get this.
I can't believe it.
Joe, what's the matter?
I'm having a heart attack.
No, that's impossible, Mr. Gideon.
I just gave you your medication.
Goddamn it, he knows the symptoms!
Will you call somebody, please?
He can't be in pain...
- but let me take his pulse. - How can it be?
Goddamn it, get somebody!
But I just gave you your medication 20 minutes ago.
You can't possibly be in pain.
At least you're getting use out of the equipment.
That's funny, Doctor.
I gotta tell you, it hurts like a son of a bitch.
Miss Briggs, two milligrams of morphine, please.
- What's this? - That's my name and address.
You can send my check there.
Feeling any pain now?
- Bitch! - What? - No.
But something is... something is breaking up in there.
Now, that I like.
Something's gone wrong.
All wrong.
No.
- No. - Oh, my God.
Where's Mr. Gideon?
Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
- Anger. - No. No.
- No! Not now. - "Jesus Christ!
Goddamn son of a bitch, pig-fucking bastards!"
- Not now. - I don't know.
We were busy with an emergency, and the next thing I noticed, he was gone.
Denial? Denial?
"No. No, that's not me, man. No. Oh, ho-ho!
No, somebody else, maybe, but not me. Oh, no.
You got the wrong... How about my mother, man?
She's old. I'm weaned. I'm toilet-trained.
I don't need her anymore... 'Bye, Ma. You've been terrific.
I love ya! But not me. "'
Oh, Jesus, don't take me out now.
What's the matter?
Don't you like musical comedy?
Bargaining.
Finished, or do you want to run it again?
Yes, I'd like to run it again.
I'd like to run the whole thing again.
"Look, man, can we... Come here.
Can we sit down and talk about this like businessmen?
A negotiation, okay? Look, I don't want to haggle.
You'll find me a reasonable man, man.
The blonde on East 63rd Street I see on Tuesday nights?
Right? Gone. Finished. I'll never see her again.
That's it.
All right, no more hard drugs.
A little grass, maybe, but that's it. Okay?
I promise I won't flash on subways anymore, okay?
We got a deal? Huh? Huh? Huh?" Guy drives a hard bargain.
What are you staring at? I told you guys before...
too much smoking, too much boozing,
too much screwing around, it'll get you every time.
I'll be back.
Well, goddamn it, find him!
I want him back in ICU, and right now! Damn fools!
Depression.
And here he is, ladies and germs, tops in taps...
- Oh, my God! - tap dancer extraordinaire.
- If I were God... - "I'm dying!
- And sometimes I think I am... - Oh, God, am I dying!
- Depends on how much morphine I've had... - I'm dying! Nobody's dying but me!
- I would spare this terrific tap dancer! - The doctor's not dying.
He's alive in Florida, and I'm dying!"
No pennies on the eyes for me.
Please.
Right away, sir. Bye.
Come on, we better try to find this guy.
"Oh, God!
I'm dying!
I'm paying $240 a day for the hospital room!
At those prices, man, who can afford to live?"
So...
acceptance.
Oh, God!
I think you're the most beautiful thing in the world.
And I love you.
Just a cut on the head.
Man, I won't have any trouble at all keeping him here.
He just wants to sit around and sing old-time songs.
Don't hurry, baby. I'm having a pretty good time myself.
Now, Mr. Gideon, where were we?
How did you know my name?
Eh, just found out. They're coming to get you, you know.
I knew they would. Can I have another?
Oh, help yourself.
Could you do it one more time? Just for me?
Oh, yeah, I'd love to.
Five, six, seven, eight.
♪ Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag ♪
♪ And smile, smile, smile ♪
Hey!
♪ Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag ♪
♪ Smile, boys, that's the style ♪
Here we go.
♪ What's the use of worrying ♪
♪ It never was worthwhile ♪
Juicy!
♪ So pack up your troubles ♪♪
- You got it. - Five, six, seven, eight.
♪ Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag ♪
♪ And smile, smile, smile ♪
- Okay, mister, you come along with us. - Nice and quiet, now.
- Please, don't cause no trouble. - Everything's going to be fine, all right?
All right. So long, Tiger.
Later, Gideon.
This is just a rough cut, you know.
I don't have the titles in yet...
and the underscoring's not in.
It's not really finished.
Thank you, thank you. Wonderful, wonderful.
Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest?
This cat allowed himself...
to be adored but not loved...
and his success in show business was matched...
by failure in his personal-relationship bag.
That's where he really bombed.
And he came to believe that work, show business...
love, his whole life, even himself...
and all that jazz was bullshit.
He became numero uno game player...
to the point where he didn't know...
where the games ended and the reality began.
Like, to this cat, the only reality...
is death, man.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you...
a so-so entertainer, not much of a humanitarian...
and this cat was never nobody's friend.
In his final appearance on the great stage of life...
You can applaud if you wanna... Mr. Joe Gideon.
♪ Bye-bye, life ♪
♪ Bye-bye, happiness ♪
♪ Hello, loneliness ♪
♪ I think I'm gonna die ♪
♪ Bye-bye, love ♪
♪ Bye-bye, sweet caress ♪
♪ Hello, emptiness ♪
♪ I feel like I could die ♪
♪ Bye-bye, your life, good-bye ♪
- ♪ Bye-bye, my life, good-bye ♪ - ♪ Bye-bye, your life, good-bye ♪
Two, three, four, five, six.
♪ Bye-bye, life ♪
♪ Bye-bye, happiness ♪
- ♪ Hello, loneliness ♪ - ♪ I think I'm gonna die ♪
♪ I think he's gonna die ♪
♪ I think I'm gonna ♪
♪ Die ♪
♪ There goes his baby ♪
♪ With someone new ♪
♪ She sure looks happy ♪
- ♪ I sure am blue ♪ - ♪ He sure is blue ♪
♪ I sure am blue ♪
♪ I think I'm gonna I think I'm gonna ♪
♪ Bye-bye, life ♪
- ♪ I think I'm gonna, I think I'm gonna ♪ - ♪ Bye-bye, happiness ♪
♪ Hello, loneliness ♪
- ♪ I think he's gonna ♪ - ♪ I think I'm gonna, I think I'm gonna ♪
♪ Die ♪
A-one, a-two, three, four!
♪ Bye-bye, love ♪
♪ Bye-bye, sweet caress Hello, emptiness ♪
♪ I feel like I could die Bye-bye, my life, good-bye ♪
♪ Bye-bye, your life, good-bye ♪
- ♪ Bye-bye, my life, good-bye ♪ - ♪ Bye-bye, your life, good-bye ♪
♪ I'm through with romance ♪
- ♪ I'm through with love ♪ - ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ I'm through with counting the stars above ♪ - ♪ Forget the stars ♪
♪ And here's the reason that he's so free ♪
♪ His lovin' baby ♪
♪ She's through with me ♪
♪ Bye-bye, life ♪
♪ Bye-bye, happiness ♪
♪ Hello, loneliness ♪
♪ I think he's gonna die ♪
♪ Bye-bye, your life, good-bye ♪
♪ Bye-bye, your life, good-bye Bye-bye, your life, good-bye ♪
♪ Bye-bye, my life, good-bye ♪
♪ Bye-bye, your life, good-bye Bye-bye, your life, good-bye ♪
This must have cost a fortune!
Oh! Give it to me!
At least I won't have to lie to you anymore.
Oh! Give it to me!
- ♪ Bye-bye, love ♪ - ♪ Bye-bye, bye-bye ♪
- ♪ Bye-bye, happiness ♪ - ♪ Bye-bye, bye-bye ♪
- ♪ Hello, hello ♪ - ♪ Bye-bye, bye-bye ♪
- ♪ He's gonna die ♪ - ♪ I think he's gonna die ♪
- ♪ Bye-bye, bye-bye ♪ - ♪ Bye-bye, love ♪
- ♪ Bye-bye, bye-bye ♪ - ♪ Bye-bye, happiness ♪
- ♪ Bye-bye, bye-bye ♪ - ♪ Hello, emptiness ♪
♪ I think he's gonna die ♪
- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪ - Bye-bye, your life, good-bye ♪
- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪ - ♪ I think he's gonna die ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Bye-bye, your life, good-bye ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Bye-bye ♪
- ♪ My life ♪ - Oh, yeah!
♪ Good-bye ♪♪
♪ Bye-bye, your life, good-bye ♪
♪ Bye-bye, your life, good-bye ♪♪
♪ There's no business like show business ♪
♪ Like no business I know ♪
♪ Everything about it is appealing ♪
♪ Everything the traffic will allow ♪
♪ Nowhere could you get that happy feeling ♪
♪ When you are stealing that extra bow ♪
♪ There's no people like show people ♪
♪ They smile when they are low ♪
♪ Yesterday they told you you would not go far ♪
♪ That night you open and there you are ♪
♪ Next day on your dressing room they've hung a star ♪
♪ Let's go on with the show ♪
♪ The costumes, the scenery the makeup, the props ♪
♪ The audience that lifts you when you're down ♪
♪ The headaches, the heartaches the backaches, the flops ♪
♪ The sheriff who escorts you out of town ♪
♪ The opening when your heart beats ♪
♪ Like a drum ♪
♪ The closing when the customers ♪
♪ Don't come ♪
♪ There's no business like show business ♪
♪ Like no business I know ♪
♪ You get word before the show has started ♪
♪ That your favorite uncle died at dawn ♪
♪ On top of that your pa and ma have parted ♪
♪ You're brokenhearted but you go on ♪
♪ There's no people like show people ♪
♪ They smile when they are low ♪
♪ Even with a turkey that you know will fold ♪
♪ You may be stranded out in the cold ♪
♪ But still you wouldn't change it for a sack of gold ♪
♪ Let's go on with the show ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ On with the ♪
♪ Show ♪♪