1 00:00:57,223 --> 00:01:01,435 There's an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain resort. 2 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:05,022 One of 'em says, "The food at this place is really terrible." 3 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:08,692 The other one says, "Yeah, I know. And such small portions." 4 00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:11,403 That's essentially how I feel about life. 5 00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:15,449 Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness. 6 00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:17,785 And it's all over much too quickly. 7 00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:23,165 The other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx. 8 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:27,878 I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious. 9 00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:32,382 It goes like this - I'm paraphrasing. I would never wanna belong to any club... 10 00:01:32,550 --> 00:01:35,219 ...that would have someone like me for a member. 11 00:01:35,386 --> 00:01:39,681 That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women. 12 00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:43,435 Lately the strangest things have been going through my mind. 13 00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:47,106 Cos I turned 40, and I guess I'm going through a life crisis. 14 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:51,276 I'm not worried about ageing. Although I'm balding slightly on top. 15 00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:53,987 That's about the worst you can say about me. 16 00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:56,406 I think I'm gonna get better as I get older. 17 00:01:56,574 --> 00:01:59,159 I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type... 18 00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:03,122 ...as opposed to, say, the distinguished grey, for instance. 19 00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:07,584 Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth... 20 00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:10,838 ...who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag... 21 00:02:11,005 --> 00:02:13,006 ...screaming about socialism. 22 00:02:13,174 --> 00:02:16,969 Annie and I broke up. And I still can't get my mind around that. 23 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:21,181 I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind... 24 00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:26,019 ...examining my life, and trying to figure out - where did the screwup come? 25 00:02:26,187 --> 00:02:28,897 A year ago we were... in love, you know. 26 00:02:29,065 --> 00:02:33,902 And... It's funny... I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character. 27 00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:35,779 I... I, uh... You know... 28 00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:38,282 I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess. 29 00:02:38,449 --> 00:02:41,577 I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II. 30 00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:46,039 He's been depressed. All of a sudden he can't do anything. 31 00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:49,418 - Why are you depressed, Alvy? - Tell Dr Flicker. 32 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,587 It's something he read. 33 00:02:51,754 --> 00:02:53,672 Something he read, uh? 34 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:57,301 - The universe is expanding. - The universe is expanding? 35 00:02:57,468 --> 00:03:02,181 The universe is everything. If it's expanding, someday it will break apart... 36 00:03:02,348 --> 00:03:04,725 ...and that will be the end of everything. 37 00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:06,894 What is that your business? 38 00:03:07,061 --> 00:03:09,062 He stopped doing his homework. 39 00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:12,900 - What's the point? - What has the universe got to do with it? 40 00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:16,361 You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding! 41 00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:20,073 It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy. 42 00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:24,119 And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves while we're here, uh? 43 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,371 Uh? Uh? (laughs) 44 00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:33,128 My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories. 45 00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:36,048 But I was brought up under the roller coaster... 46 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,675 ...in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. 47 00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:42,721 Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous. 48 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,098 I have a hyperactive imagination. 49 00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:47,643 My mind tends to jump around a little. 50 00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:51,063 I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. 51 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,774 My father ran the bumper car concession. 52 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:55,275 There he is. 53 00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:56,777 And there I am. 54 00:03:56,945 --> 00:04:00,989 I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. 55 00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:05,661 I remember the staff at our public school. 56 00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:08,789 We had a saying: "Those who can't do, teach... 57 00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:11,500 ...and those who can't teach, teach gym." 58 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:16,421 And those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. 59 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:22,135 I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. 60 00:04:22,303 --> 00:04:24,846 Melvyn Greenglass. His fat little face. 61 00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:28,475 And Henrietta Farrell. Just Miss Perfect all the time. 62 00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:31,937 And Ivan Ackerman. Always the wrong answer. Always. 63 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,189 Seven and three is nine. 64 00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:37,359 Even then, I knew they were just jerks. 65 00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:40,779 In 1942 I had already discovered women. 66 00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:44,616 Ugh! He kissed me! 67 00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:46,493 He kissed me! Ugh! 68 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:50,372 That's the second time this month! Step up here! Step up here! 69 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:53,375 - What did I do? - You should be ashamed of yourself. 70 00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:56,753 Why? I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity. 71 00:04:56,921 --> 00:05:00,299 Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds. 72 00:05:00,466 --> 00:05:01,425 I did. 73 00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:05,429 For God's sakes, Alvy! Even Freud speaks of a latency period. 74 00:05:05,596 --> 00:05:08,765 Well, I never had a latency period. I can't help it. 75 00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:13,562 Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? Now there was a model boy. 76 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,064 Tell the folks where you are today. 77 00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:19,484 I run a profitable dress company. 78 00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:23,196 Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today. 79 00:05:23,364 --> 00:05:27,492 I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company. 80 00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:30,245 I sell tallises. 81 00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:34,833 I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a methadone addict. 82 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,837 I'm into leather. 83 00:05:39,797 --> 00:05:43,759 I lost track of most of my schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian. 84 00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:48,972 They did not take me in the army. I was... Interestingly enough... I was 4-P. 85 00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:52,142 In the event of war, I'm a hostage. 86 00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:54,144 (laughter) 87 00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,772 You always only saw the worst in people. 88 00:05:56,939 --> 00:05:59,900 You never could get along with anyone in school. 89 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:02,611 You were always out of step with the world. 90 00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:06,323 Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world. 91 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:09,910 (Alvy) I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, "Jew." 92 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:11,286 (Rob) You're crazy. 93 00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:14,956 (Alvy) We were walking off the tennis court. Him and me and his wife. 94 00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:19,378 He looked at her and they both looked at me. And under his breath he said, "Jew." 95 00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:21,546 Alvy, you're a total paranoid. 96 00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:24,132 (Alvy) I pick up on those kinda things. 97 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:28,720 I was having lunch with some guys from NBC. So I said, "Did you eat yet or what?" 98 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:31,139 And Tom Christie said, "No. D'you?" 99 00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:33,642 Not "Did you". "D'you eat?" "D'you?" 100 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:37,229 Not "Did you eat?" but "D'you eat?" "Jew?" You get it? "Jew eat?" 101 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,356 - Max... - Stop calling me Max. 102 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:44,277 Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything. 103 00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:49,658 (Alvy) I was in a record store. There's this big, tall, blond, crew-cutted guy... 104 00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:54,663 ...looking at me in a funny way and saying, "We have a sale this week on Wagner." 105 00:06:54,831 --> 00:07:00,127 Wagner, Max. Wagner. I know what he's really trying to tell me, very significantly. 106 00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:02,170 Right, Max. 107 00:07:02,338 --> 00:07:04,214 California, Max. 108 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:07,300 - Get the hell out of this crazy city. - Forget it. 109 00:07:07,468 --> 00:07:10,429 We move to sunny LA. All of show business is there. 110 00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:14,683 No. I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage... 111 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:17,686 ...is that you can make a right turn on a red light. 112 00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:20,605 Forget it. Aren't you late for meeting Annie? 113 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:23,942 I'm meeting her at the Beekman. I have a few minutes. 114 00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,919 Are you on television? 115 00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:46,131 No. 116 00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:49,217 Yeah. Once in a while. Occasionally. 117 00:07:49,385 --> 00:07:53,263 - What's your name? - You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter. 118 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:56,683 You were on the... uh... The Johnny Carson, right? 119 00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:59,436 Once in a while, you know. 120 00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:01,605 What's your name? 121 00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:04,024 I'm... I'm Robert Redford. 122 00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:06,193 Come on! 123 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,863 Alvy Singer. It was nice... Thanks very much for everything. 124 00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:11,323 Hey! 125 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,991 (man) What? 126 00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,076 This is Alvy Singer! 127 00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:17,037 Fellas, you know... 128 00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:20,081 This guy's on television. Alvy Singer? Am I right? 129 00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:22,792 - Give me a break. - This guy's on television. 130 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,961 I need a large polo mallet. 131 00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:28,131 - Who's on television? - On The Johnny Carson Show. 132 00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:30,300 Is this a meeting of the Teamsters? 133 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:33,136 - What programme? - Can I have your autograph? 134 00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:37,015 - You don't want my autograph. - No, I do. It's for my girlfriend. 135 00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:39,184 Make it out to Ralph. 136 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:43,021 - Your girlfriend's name is Ralph? - It's for my brudder. 137 00:08:45,274 --> 00:08:48,944 - Alvy Singer! - You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star? 138 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:51,112 Alvy Singer over here! 139 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:53,281 It's all right, fellas. 140 00:08:53,449 --> 00:08:56,618 Jesus! What did you do? Come by way of the Panama Canal? 141 00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,955 - I'm in a bad mood. - I'm here with the cast of The Godfather. 142 00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:04,251 - You have to learn to deal with it. - I'm dealing with guys named Cheech! 143 00:09:04,418 --> 00:09:06,628 Please. I have a headache, all right? 144 00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:09,756 You are in a bad mood. You must be getting your period. 145 00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:14,594 Every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think I'm getting my period! 146 00:09:14,762 --> 00:09:17,889 A little louder. I think one of them may have missed it. 147 00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:21,101 - Has the picture started? - It started two minutes ago. 148 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,395 That's it. Forget it. I can't go in. 149 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:26,898 - Two minutes, Alvy. - I can't do it. We've blown it already. 150 00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:29,067 I can't go in in the middle. 151 00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:31,861 We'll only miss the titles. They're in Swedish. 152 00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:35,574 - You wanna get coffee for two hours? - Two hours? No. I'm going in. 153 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:39,411 - Go ahead. Goodbye. - While we're talking, we could be inside. 154 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:43,707 Can we not stand here and argue in front of everybody? I get embarrassed. 155 00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:45,875 All right. So what do you wanna do? 156 00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:48,545 I don't know now. You wanna go to another movie? 157 00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,714 Let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity. 158 00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:54,551 Come on. I'm not in the mood to see a four-hour documentary on Nazis. 159 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:58,972 Well, I'm sorry. I've gotta see a picture exactly from the start to the finish. 160 00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:01,057 Cos... Cos I'm anal. 161 00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:03,602 That's a polite word for what you are. 162 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:09,733 We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. It is not one of his best. 163 00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:11,901 It lacks a cohesive structure. 164 00:10:12,069 --> 00:10:16,740 You get the feeling that he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say. 165 00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:20,702 I've always felt he was essentially a technical filmmaker. 166 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:25,373 Granted, La Strada was a great film. Great in its use of negative imagery. 167 00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:28,376 I can't stand this guy. I'm gonna have a stroke. 168 00:10:28,544 --> 00:10:30,545 Well, stop listening to him. 169 00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:33,048 He's screaming his opinions in my ear. 170 00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:37,218 Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon. 171 00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:39,721 I found it incredibly... indulgent. 172 00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:43,475 He really is. He's one of the most indulgent filmmakers. 173 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,644 The key word here is indulgent. 174 00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:47,604 Without getting... 175 00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:51,858 - What are you depressed about? - I missed my therapy. I overslept. 176 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:55,195 - How can you possibly oversleep? - The alarm clock. 177 00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:58,198 Do you know what a hostile gesture that is to me? 178 00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:00,909 I know. Because of our sexual problem, right? 179 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:04,704 Everybody at The New Yorker has to know our rate of intercourse? 180 00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:06,665 It's like Samuel Beckett. 181 00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:10,418 I admire the technique, but it doesn't hit me on a gut level. 182 00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:13,838 - I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level. - Stop it, Alvy! 183 00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:17,467 He's spitting on my neck. He's spitting on my neck when he talks. 184 00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:21,096 You know, you're so egocentric that if I miss my therapy... 185 00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:24,432 ...you can only think of it in terms of how it affects you. 186 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,601 Weltanschauung is what it is. 187 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,770 Probably on their first date. 188 00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:32,315 Probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books. 189 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:34,943 "Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman... 190 00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:38,154 ...who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy." 191 00:11:38,322 --> 00:11:42,992 Our sexual problem? I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn. 192 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:47,247 OK. I'm very sorry. My sexual problem. OK? My sexual problem. Huh? 193 00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:51,751 I never read that. That was a Henry James novel? Sequel of The Turn of the Screw? 194 00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:54,087 It's the influence of television. 195 00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:58,383 Now, Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a high... 196 00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,803 ...high intensity. You understand? A hot medium... 197 00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:05,765 What I wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it. 198 00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:10,186 What do you do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind? 199 00:12:10,354 --> 00:12:13,356 Why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country. 200 00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:18,278 Do you have to give it so loud? Aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? 201 00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:22,657 The funny part is, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan. 202 00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:27,454 Really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called TV, Media and Culture. 203 00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:31,791 So I think my insights into Mr McLuhan have a great deal of validity. 204 00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:36,463 Oh, do you? That's funny, because I happen to have Mr McLuhan right here. 205 00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:38,965 Just let me... Come over here a second. 206 00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,134 I heard what you were saying. 207 00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,303 You know nothing of my work. 208 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,638 You mean my whole fallacy is wrong. 209 00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:49,934 How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing. 210 00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:52,187 Boy, if life were only like this! 211 00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:59,861 June 14th, 1940. The German army occupies Paris. 212 00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:04,657 All over the country, people are desperate for every available scrap of news. 213 00:13:04,825 --> 00:13:08,244 (Alvy) Those guys in the French Resistance were really brave. 214 00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:11,456 To have to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much. 215 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,876 Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture. 216 00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:19,005 The Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card... 217 00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:21,174 ...and you'd tell 'em everything. 218 00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,343 That movie makes me feel guilty. 219 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:25,595 Yeah, cos it's supposed to. 220 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:27,722 Alvy... 221 00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:30,058 What? What... What's the matter? 222 00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:32,227 I don't... I don't know. 223 00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:37,690 It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time. 224 00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:42,529 Well, it's just that I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice. 225 00:13:42,696 --> 00:13:45,907 There's always an excuse. You used to think I was very sexy. 226 00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:49,035 When we first started going out, we had sex constantly. 227 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:52,163 We're probably in the Guinness Book of World Records. 228 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:55,792 Alvy, it'll pass. I'm going through a phase. That's all. 229 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:59,003 You've been married before. You know how things can get. 230 00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:01,548 You were very hot for Allison at first. 231 00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:03,758 (audience laughter) 232 00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:09,430 You're on right after Chris Brown, which looks about 20 minutes. 233 00:14:09,598 --> 00:14:11,599 Excuse me. When do I go on? 234 00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:13,768 Who are you? 235 00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:15,937 Alvy Singer. 236 00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:17,480 I'm a comedian. 237 00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:18,982 Oh, comedian. Yeah. 238 00:14:19,149 --> 00:14:21,150 Oh. You're on next. 239 00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:23,319 What do you mean, next? I'm... 240 00:14:23,487 --> 00:14:25,488 You're on right after this act. 241 00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,991 No, it can't be. Because he's a comic. 242 00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:29,117 Yes. 243 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:32,328 - You're putting on two comics in a row? - Why not? 244 00:14:32,496 --> 00:14:35,915 No, I'm sorry. I don't wanna go on after another comedian. 245 00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:37,041 It's OK. 246 00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:40,211 No. Because they're laughing. So I'd... rather not. 247 00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:42,755 Will you relax? They're gonna love you. 248 00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:45,884 I'd prefer not to. Look. They're laughing at him. 249 00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:48,761 They're gonna laugh at him then I gotta go out. 250 00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:51,723 I gotta get laughs too. How much can they laugh? 251 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,601 - They're laughed out. - Do you feel all right? 252 00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:56,853 Jesus! 253 00:14:57,688 --> 00:14:59,105 What's your name? 254 00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:00,815 Allison. 255 00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:02,066 Yeah? 256 00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:03,318 Allison what? 257 00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:04,652 Portchnik. 258 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,155 Portchnik? 259 00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:09,324 - That's nice. - Thank you. 260 00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:11,576 Allison Portchnik! (whistles) 261 00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:16,497 So, what are you telling me? You work for Stevenson all the time or what? 262 00:15:16,665 --> 00:15:19,417 No, no, no. I'm in the midst of doing my thesis. 263 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:20,710 On what? 264 00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:24,005 Political Commitment in 20th-Century Literature. 265 00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:28,051 You're like... New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual... 266 00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:32,055 ...Central Park West, Brandeis University, socialist summer camps? 267 00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:36,225 The father with the Ben Shahn drawings? The really strike-oriented... 268 00:15:36,393 --> 00:15:39,604 Stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself. 269 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:44,150 No. That was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype. 270 00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:47,362 Right. I'm a bigot. But for the Left. 271 00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:48,863 (laughter and applause) 272 00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:53,534 I have to go out there. Say something encouraging. Quickly. 273 00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,662 I think you're cute. 274 00:15:55,829 --> 00:15:57,830 - Do you? - Mm-hm. 275 00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:00,083 Go ahead. 276 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,717 (coughs) 277 00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:13,763 I don't know why they would have me at this kind of rally cos... 278 00:16:13,931 --> 00:16:17,350 ...I'm not essentially a political comedian at all. 279 00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:22,063 I interestingly had, um... dated a woman... 280 00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:25,191 ...in the Eisenhower administration briefly. 281 00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,443 And it was ironic to me cos, um... 282 00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:30,697 Cos I was trying to do to her... 283 00:16:30,864 --> 00:16:35,326 ...what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years. 284 00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:37,578 (laughter and applause) 285 00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:41,582 I'm sorry. I can't go through with this. 286 00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:44,919 I can't get it off my mind, Allison. It's obsessing me. 287 00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:47,839 I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention. 288 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:52,051 But it doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository... 289 00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:55,847 ...and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound. 290 00:16:56,015 --> 00:17:00,184 So how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once? 291 00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,520 - It doesn't make sense! - Alvy... 292 00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:06,691 I'll tell you this. He was not marksman enough... 293 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,277 ...to hit a moving target at that range. 294 00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:11,237 But... 295 00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:13,656 ...if there was a second assassin... 296 00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,242 - That's it! - We've been through this. 297 00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:19,120 They recovered the shells from that rifle. 298 00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:21,289 OK. What are you saying now? 299 00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:25,793 Everybody on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right? 300 00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:27,253 Well, why not? 301 00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:28,671 Yeah. Earl Warren? 302 00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:31,174 Hey, honey. I don't know Earl Warren. 303 00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:33,342 Lyndon Johnson? 304 00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:37,847 Lyndon Johnson is a politician! You know the ethics those guys have. 305 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:40,892 It's like a notch underneath child molester. 306 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,561 Then everybody's in on the conspiracy. 307 00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:48,066 The FBI and the CIA and J Edgar Hoover and oil companies... 308 00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:52,528 ...and the Pentagon and the men's room attendant at the White House. 309 00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:55,406 I would leave out the men's room attendant. 310 00:17:55,574 --> 00:18:00,661 You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me. 311 00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:02,497 Oh, my God! 312 00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,207 She's right. 313 00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:06,417 Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik? 314 00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:10,046 She was beautiful, she was willing, she was real intelligent. 315 00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:14,801 Is it the old Groucho Marxjoke that I just don't wanna belong to any club... 316 00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:17,887 ...that would have someone like me for a member? 317 00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:20,056 Alvy, don't panic! Please stop it! 318 00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:23,059 It's a mistake to ever bring a live thing in the house. 319 00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:25,228 Stop it! Go for that one there. 320 00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:29,065 Maybe we should call the police. Dial 911. It's the lobster squad. 321 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:31,734 They're only baby ones, for God's sakes. 322 00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:35,238 - If they're only babies, you pick 'em up. - All right! All right! 323 00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:37,865 - Here you go! - Don't give it to me! Don't! 324 00:18:38,033 --> 00:18:40,827 Look! One crawled behind the refrigerator. 325 00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:42,995 It'll turn up in our bed at night. 326 00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:46,124 Will you get out of here with that thing? Jesus! 327 00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:48,459 Talk to 'em. You speak shellfish. 328 00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:51,254 Hey, look. Put it in the pot. 329 00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:55,216 I can't put it in the pot! I can't put a live thing in hot water! 330 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:58,177 You think we're gonna take him to the movies? 331 00:18:58,345 --> 00:19:00,263 Oh, good, Alvy. Oh, thank you. 332 00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:02,890 OK. It's in. It's definitely in the pot. 333 00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:06,477 Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator. 334 00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:08,855 I can't get it out. This thing's heavy. 335 00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:13,234 Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it'll run out. 336 00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,403 I'm gonna get my camera. 337 00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:17,655 I think if I could pry the door off... 338 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:21,159 We should have gotten steaks. They don't run around. 339 00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:24,162 (Annie screams) Goddamn it! Oh, jeez! 340 00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:26,747 Pick this lobster up. Hold it, please. 341 00:19:26,915 --> 00:19:28,916 You're gonna take pictures now? 342 00:19:29,084 --> 00:19:31,502 Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely! 343 00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:33,671 Oh, God! That's disgusting! 344 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:35,590 One more, Alvy. Please! 345 00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:37,383 Oh, good! Good! 346 00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:40,970 Here's what I want to know. Am I your first big romance? 347 00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:42,722 Oh, no. No, no. Uh-uh. 348 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:44,140 Really? Who was? 349 00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:47,476 There was Dennis from Chippewa Falls High School. 350 00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:51,606 (Alvy) Dennis? Local kid? Would meet you in front of the movie house? 351 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:54,525 (Annie) You should have seen how I looked then. 352 00:19:54,693 --> 00:19:57,361 (Alvy) Oh, I can imagine. The wife of an astronaut. 353 00:19:57,529 --> 00:19:59,614 (Annie) Then there was Jerry, the actor. 354 00:19:59,781 --> 00:20:01,782 Look at you. You're such a clown. 355 00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:03,451 I look pretty. 356 00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:05,995 You always look pretty. But that guy... 357 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:10,208 Acting is like an exploration of the soul. It's very religious. 358 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:14,003 Like a kind of liberating consciousness. 359 00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:16,255 It's like a visual poem. 360 00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:18,466 Is he kidding with that crap? 361 00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:20,635 Oh, right. (laughs) 362 00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:24,513 I think I know exactly what you mean when you say "religious". 363 00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:25,640 You do? 364 00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:29,143 - Oh, come on. I was younger. - Hey, that was last year. 365 00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:31,312 It's like when I think of dying. 366 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,898 - You know how I'd like to die? - No. How? 367 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,692 I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals. 368 00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:38,861 Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels! 369 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:43,866 Listen, he was a terrific actor. He's neat-looking and he was emotional... 370 00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:46,494 I don't think you like emotion too much. 371 00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:48,829 Touch my heart... with your foot. 372 00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:51,499 I may throw up. 373 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,668 (Annie) He was creepy. 374 00:20:53,835 --> 00:20:56,545 (Alvy) I think you're pretty lucky I came along. 375 00:20:56,713 --> 00:20:58,923 (Annie) Oh, really? Well, la-de-da. 376 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:02,760 (Alvy) If anyone had ever told me I would be taking out a girl... 377 00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:05,471 ...who used expressions like la-de-da... 378 00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:08,391 (Annie) You really like those New York girls. 379 00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:12,395 - Well, not just. Not only. - I'd say so. You married two of them. 380 00:21:12,562 --> 00:21:16,274 There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at Princeton. 381 00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:20,653 The short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell. 382 00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:23,155 Two more chairs, they got a dining room set. 383 00:21:23,323 --> 00:21:26,617 - Why are you so hostile? - Cos I wanna watch the Knicks on TV. 384 00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:28,786 Is that Paul Goodman? No. 385 00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:32,206 Be nice to the host, because he's publishing my book. 386 00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:33,708 Hi, Doug! 387 00:21:33,875 --> 00:21:37,461 Douglas Wyatt. The Foul Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. 388 00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:42,049 I'm so tired of making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery. 389 00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:43,259 Commentary. 390 00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:48,097 Really? I heard Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery. 391 00:21:48,265 --> 00:21:50,349 No jokes. These are friends, OK? 392 00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:53,227 (TV basketball commentary) 393 00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:56,689 Here you are. 394 00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:58,858 There's people out there. 395 00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:04,155 Two minutes ago the Knicks are ahead 14 points, and now they're ahead two points. 396 00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:06,324 Alvy... 397 00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:10,202 What is so fascinating about a group of pituitary cases... 398 00:22:10,370 --> 00:22:12,830 ...trying to stuff a ball through a hoop? 399 00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:15,333 What is fascinating is that it's physical. 400 00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:18,586 Intellectuals prove you can be absolutely brilliant... 401 00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:20,755 ...and have no idea what's going on. 402 00:22:20,922 --> 00:22:24,425 But, on the other hand, the body doesn't lie... 403 00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:26,594 ...as we now know. 404 00:22:26,762 --> 00:22:28,304 Stop acting out. 405 00:22:28,472 --> 00:22:33,559 It'll be great. All those PhDs are in there discussing modes of alienation... 406 00:22:33,727 --> 00:22:36,228 ...and we'll be in here quietly humping. 407 00:22:36,396 --> 00:22:40,441 Alvy, don't. You're using sex to express hostility. 408 00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:45,196 Why do you always reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories? 409 00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:47,782 He said, as he removed her brassiere. 410 00:22:49,117 --> 00:22:53,371 Alvy! There are people out there from The New Yorker magazine! 411 00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:55,831 Oh, my God. 412 00:22:55,999 --> 00:22:58,084 What would they think? 413 00:22:59,252 --> 00:23:01,337 (siren) 414 00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:05,508 Damn siren! 415 00:23:05,675 --> 00:23:06,842 OK. Don't get upset. 416 00:23:07,010 --> 00:23:09,011 Dammit! I was so close! 417 00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:13,557 Last night it was a guy honking his car horn. The city can't close down. 418 00:23:13,725 --> 00:23:16,644 You wanna have them shut down the airport too? 419 00:23:16,812 --> 00:23:18,896 No more flights so we can have sex? 420 00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:21,065 I'm too tense. I need a Valium. 421 00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:24,860 My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York. 422 00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:28,531 We can't have this discussion. The country makes me nervous. 423 00:23:28,698 --> 00:23:32,118 You've got crickets. There's no place to walk after dinner. 424 00:23:32,285 --> 00:23:34,787 The screens with the dead moths behind 'em. 425 00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:38,582 You got the Manson family, possibly. You got Dick and Terry. 426 00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:43,421 OK! OK! My analyst just thinks I'm too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium? 427 00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:45,756 It's quiet now. We can start again. 428 00:23:45,924 --> 00:23:47,925 I can't. My head is throbbing. 429 00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:50,553 - You got a headache? - I have a headache. 430 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:51,679 Bad? 431 00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:53,931 - Like Oswald in Ghosts. - Jesus! 432 00:23:54,099 --> 00:23:56,517 Where are you going? 433 00:23:56,810 --> 00:23:59,937 I'm going to take another in a series of cold showers. 434 00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:02,773 Max, my serve will send you to the showers early. 435 00:24:02,941 --> 00:24:07,236 The failure of the country to get behind New York City is anti-Semitism. 436 00:24:07,404 --> 00:24:09,405 Max, the city is terribly run. 437 00:24:09,573 --> 00:24:13,033 I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin. 438 00:24:13,201 --> 00:24:17,413 Every time some group disagrees with you, it's because of anti-Semitism. 439 00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:19,790 The rest of the country sees New York... 440 00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:23,711 ...as left-wing, Communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers. 441 00:24:23,879 --> 00:24:26,464 I think of us that way sometimes, and I live here. 442 00:24:26,631 --> 00:24:31,051 Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day in the sun. 443 00:24:31,219 --> 00:24:35,014 Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. 444 00:24:35,182 --> 00:24:37,183 Sun, milk, red meat, college. 445 00:24:37,350 --> 00:24:38,642 I know, but I... 446 00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:40,811 Egad. Here he comes. 447 00:24:40,979 --> 00:24:42,062 OK. 448 00:24:42,230 --> 00:24:44,231 Hi! 449 00:24:44,399 --> 00:24:46,567 You know Alvy? This is Janet. 450 00:24:46,735 --> 00:24:48,736 This is Annie Hall. 451 00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:50,279 This is Alvy. 452 00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:52,239 Who's playing with who? 453 00:24:52,407 --> 00:24:54,408 You and me against them? 454 00:24:54,576 --> 00:24:58,078 - I can't play too good, you know? - I've had four lessons. 455 00:25:06,713 --> 00:25:08,714 (laughter) 456 00:25:08,882 --> 00:25:09,924 Oh! Yeah! 457 00:25:12,427 --> 00:25:13,469 Hi! 458 00:25:14,095 --> 00:25:15,763 Hi. Hi. 459 00:25:16,556 --> 00:25:18,641 Oh, hi. Hi. 460 00:25:20,810 --> 00:25:22,811 Well... 461 00:25:22,979 --> 00:25:25,064 Bye. 462 00:25:26,942 --> 00:25:29,151 You play very well. 463 00:25:29,319 --> 00:25:31,320 Oh, yeah? So do you. 464 00:25:31,488 --> 00:25:34,073 Oh, God. What a dumb thing to say, right? 465 00:25:34,241 --> 00:25:39,036 You say, "You play well" and then right away I have to say, "You play well." 466 00:25:39,204 --> 00:25:40,454 Oh! 467 00:25:40,622 --> 00:25:42,540 God, Annie. Well... 468 00:25:42,707 --> 00:25:44,542 Oh, well. 469 00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:46,710 La-de-da. La-de-da. 470 00:25:46,878 --> 00:25:48,212 La-la. Yeah. 471 00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:50,297 You want a lift? 472 00:25:50,465 --> 00:25:52,675 Oh, why? 473 00:25:52,842 --> 00:25:54,843 You got a car? 474 00:25:55,011 --> 00:25:57,763 Me? No. I was gonna take a cab. 475 00:25:57,931 --> 00:26:00,432 Oh, no. I have a car. 476 00:26:00,850 --> 00:26:02,476 You have a car? 477 00:26:03,436 --> 00:26:06,480 I don't understand. If you have a car, so then... 478 00:26:06,648 --> 00:26:10,859 ...why did you say, "Do you have a car?" Like you wanted a lift? 479 00:26:11,027 --> 00:26:13,028 I don't... I don't... 480 00:26:13,196 --> 00:26:15,281 Jeez, I don't know. I wasn't... 481 00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:19,243 It's... I've got this VW out there. 482 00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:20,536 (laughs) 483 00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:22,705 What a jerk! Yeah. 484 00:26:22,872 --> 00:26:24,957 Would you like a lift? 485 00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,418 Sure. Which way are you going? 486 00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:29,587 Me? Downtown. 487 00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:31,755 I'm going uptown. 488 00:26:31,923 --> 00:26:34,258 Well, you know, I'm going uptown too. 489 00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:36,844 You just said you were going downtown. 490 00:26:37,012 --> 00:26:38,137 Sorry. 491 00:26:38,305 --> 00:26:41,432 I can go uptown too. I live uptown, but what the hell! 492 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:44,685 Lt'll be nice having company. I hate driving alone. 493 00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:47,896 (Alvy) So where do you know Janet from? 494 00:26:48,064 --> 00:26:50,941 - I'm in her acting class. - You're an actress? 495 00:26:51,109 --> 00:26:53,110 Well, I do commercials, sort of. 496 00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:55,279 (car horn) 497 00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:58,782 - You're not from New York, right? - Chippewa Falls. 498 00:26:59,576 --> 00:27:01,827 - Where? - Wisconsin. 499 00:27:01,995 --> 00:27:03,996 You're driving a tad rapidly. 500 00:27:04,164 --> 00:27:07,041 Don't worry. I'm a very good driver. I'm good. 501 00:27:07,208 --> 00:27:09,835 - You want some gum anyway? - No. No, thanks. 502 00:27:10,003 --> 00:27:13,547 Hey, don't... No, no. Would you watch the road? I'll get it! 503 00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:15,424 (tyres screech) 504 00:27:15,592 --> 00:27:17,926 - I'll get you a piece. - So, you drive? 505 00:27:18,094 --> 00:27:21,055 Do I drive? No. I've got a problem with driving. 506 00:27:21,222 --> 00:27:23,223 Oh, you do? 507 00:27:23,391 --> 00:27:26,852 I've got a licence, but I have too much hostility. 508 00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:30,356 Nice car. You keep it nice. 509 00:27:30,523 --> 00:27:32,524 Can I ask you? Is this a sandwich? 510 00:27:32,692 --> 00:27:34,151 Huh? Oh, yeah. 511 00:27:39,199 --> 00:27:42,993 I live over here. Oh, my God! Look! There's a parking space. 512 00:27:48,124 --> 00:27:50,918 That's OK. We can walk to the kerb from here. 513 00:27:52,295 --> 00:27:55,089 - You want your tennis stuff? - Huh? Oh. Yeah. 514 00:27:55,256 --> 00:27:57,424 That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot. 515 00:27:57,592 --> 00:27:59,677 (both) Well... 516 00:28:01,388 --> 00:28:02,805 Thank you. 517 00:28:02,972 --> 00:28:05,516 You're a wonderful tennis player and... 518 00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:08,936 ...you're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life. 519 00:28:09,104 --> 00:28:12,272 Anyplace. Europe. The United... Anyplace. Asia. 520 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:15,609 - And I love what you're wearing. - Oh, you do, yeah? 521 00:28:15,777 --> 00:28:19,446 Oh, well, it's a... This tie is a present from Grammy Hall. 522 00:28:19,614 --> 00:28:21,615 Who? Grammy... Grammy Hall? 523 00:28:21,783 --> 00:28:22,950 Yeah, my grammy. 524 00:28:23,118 --> 00:28:25,994 Did you grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting? 525 00:28:26,162 --> 00:28:29,415 - Your grammy? - I know. It's pretty silly, isn't it? 526 00:28:29,582 --> 00:28:34,169 My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks. 527 00:28:34,671 --> 00:28:35,879 (both) Well... 528 00:28:36,047 --> 00:28:38,048 - Thank you again. - Oh, yeah. 529 00:28:38,216 --> 00:28:42,428 Hey, you wanna come upstairs and have a glass of wine or something? 530 00:28:42,595 --> 00:28:45,681 I mean, you don't have to. You're probably late. 531 00:28:45,849 --> 00:28:48,726 No, no. That'd be fine. I wouldn't mind. Sure. 532 00:28:48,893 --> 00:28:52,938 I've got time. I've got nothing... till my analyst appointment. 533 00:28:53,106 --> 00:28:55,107 Oh, you see an analyst? 534 00:28:55,275 --> 00:28:57,609 - Yeah. Just for 15 years. - 15 years?! 535 00:28:57,777 --> 00:29:01,655 I'm gonna give him one more year and then I'm going to Lourdes. 536 00:29:01,823 --> 00:29:03,657 15... Nah! Come on! 537 00:29:03,825 --> 00:29:04,908 Yeah? Really? 538 00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:08,454 Sylvia Plath? Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide... 539 00:29:08,621 --> 00:29:12,499 ...was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality. 540 00:29:12,667 --> 00:29:13,625 Oh, sorry. 541 00:29:13,793 --> 00:29:16,628 I don't know. Some of her poems seem neat. 542 00:29:16,796 --> 00:29:19,131 Neat? I hate to tell you, this is 1975. 543 00:29:19,299 --> 00:29:22,801 "Neat" went out, I would say, at the turn of the century. 544 00:29:22,969 --> 00:29:24,970 Who are those photos on the wall? 545 00:29:25,138 --> 00:29:28,390 Oh! Well, you see now, uh... That's my dad. 546 00:29:28,558 --> 00:29:31,351 That's Father. And that's my brother Duane. 547 00:29:31,519 --> 00:29:33,520 - Duane? - Yeah, right. Duane. 548 00:29:33,688 --> 00:29:36,648 And over there is Grammy Hall. And that's Sadie. 549 00:29:36,816 --> 00:29:39,777 - Who's Sadie? - Oh, well, Sadie... Ha, ha. 550 00:29:39,944 --> 00:29:43,197 Sadie met Grammy through Grammy's brother George. 551 00:29:43,364 --> 00:29:46,074 George was real sweet. He had that thing... 552 00:29:46,242 --> 00:29:51,205 What is that thing where you fall asleep in the middle of a sentence? What is it? 553 00:29:51,372 --> 00:29:53,624 - Narcolepsy. - Narcolepsy! Right! 554 00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:58,420 So anyway, um... George went to the union, you see, to get his free turkey. 555 00:29:58,588 --> 00:30:02,633 The union always gave George this free turkey at Christmas time... 556 00:30:02,801 --> 00:30:06,094 ...because he was shell-shocked in the First World War. 557 00:30:06,262 --> 00:30:11,975 Anyway, so George is standing in line - oh, just a sec - getting his free turkey. 558 00:30:12,143 --> 00:30:14,853 But the thing is, is that he falls asleep... 559 00:30:15,021 --> 00:30:17,022 ...and he never wakes up! 560 00:30:17,190 --> 00:30:19,733 So... so he's dead! 561 00:30:19,901 --> 00:30:21,985 He's dead. Yeah. 562 00:30:22,862 --> 00:30:24,112 Oh, dear. 563 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:28,784 Well... Terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say? I mean, that's pretty awful. 564 00:30:28,952 --> 00:30:32,037 It's a great story, though. It really made my day. 565 00:30:32,205 --> 00:30:35,707 I think I should get outta here cos I think I'm imposing. 566 00:30:35,875 --> 00:30:37,668 Really? Well, maybe, um... 567 00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:38,794 You know, I... 568 00:30:38,962 --> 00:30:43,090 - You don't have to, you know. - I'm all perspired and everything. 569 00:30:43,258 --> 00:30:45,425 Didn't you take a shower at the club? 570 00:30:45,593 --> 00:30:48,303 Me? No. Cos I never shower in a public place. 571 00:30:48,471 --> 00:30:49,721 Why not? 572 00:30:49,889 --> 00:30:53,225 Cos I don't like to get naked in front of another man. 573 00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:55,686 Oh, I see. I see. 574 00:30:55,854 --> 00:30:59,022 I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender. 575 00:30:59,190 --> 00:31:01,608 You never know what's gonna happen. 576 00:31:01,776 --> 00:31:04,570 - 15 years, huh? - 15 years, yeah. That's... 577 00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:07,948 God bless. 578 00:31:11,703 --> 00:31:13,787 Well... well... 579 00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:18,500 You're what Grammy Hall would call "a real Jew". 580 00:31:20,795 --> 00:31:22,588 Thank you. 581 00:31:22,755 --> 00:31:26,884 Yeah, well, she hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money. 582 00:31:27,051 --> 00:31:30,178 But she's the one. Is she ever! I'm tellin' you. 583 00:31:34,601 --> 00:31:37,728 So did you do those photographs in there or what? 584 00:31:38,771 --> 00:31:42,691 Yeah. I sort of dabble around, you know. (thinks) I dabble? 585 00:31:42,859 --> 00:31:47,070 They're wonderful, you know. They have a... a quality. 586 00:31:47,238 --> 00:31:51,283 Well, I would like to take a serious photography course. 587 00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:54,536 Photography's interesting cos it's a new art form... 588 00:31:54,704 --> 00:31:57,706 ...and a set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet. 589 00:31:57,874 --> 00:31:58,874 Aesthetic criteria? 590 00:31:59,042 --> 00:32:01,585 You mean whether it's a good photo or not? 591 00:32:01,753 --> 00:32:06,673 The medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself. 592 00:32:06,841 --> 00:32:11,094 Well... to me... I mean, it's... it's... it's all instinctive. 593 00:32:11,262 --> 00:32:13,597 I just try to feel it. 594 00:32:13,765 --> 00:32:16,683 I try to get a sense of it and not think about it so much. 595 00:32:16,851 --> 00:32:21,480 Still, you need a set of aesthetic guidelines to put it in social perspective. 596 00:32:22,482 --> 00:32:24,524 Well, I don't know. 597 00:32:24,692 --> 00:32:26,944 I guess you must be sort of late, huh? 598 00:32:27,111 --> 00:32:31,490 You know, I gotta get there and begin whining soon. Otherwise I... 599 00:32:32,075 --> 00:32:34,493 - Hey, are you busy Friday night? - Me? 600 00:32:35,036 --> 00:32:37,037 Oh, uh, no. 601 00:32:37,205 --> 00:32:39,206 Oh, I'm sorry! I have something. 602 00:32:39,374 --> 00:32:41,458 What about Saturday night? 603 00:32:42,627 --> 00:32:44,628 Nothing. No, no. 604 00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:46,880 You're very popular, I can see. 605 00:32:47,799 --> 00:32:49,800 - I know. - Do you have plague? 606 00:32:49,968 --> 00:32:52,052 Well, I mean, I meet a lot ofjerks. 607 00:32:52,220 --> 00:32:54,930 I meet a lot ofjerks too. I think that's a... 608 00:32:55,098 --> 00:32:57,724 But I'm thinking about getting some cats. 609 00:32:57,892 --> 00:33:00,018 Oh, wait a second. Oh, no, no! 610 00:33:00,186 --> 00:33:02,980 Oh, shoot! No. Saturday night I'm gonna... 611 00:33:03,773 --> 00:33:05,774 I'm gonna sing. Yeah. 612 00:33:05,942 --> 00:33:08,652 You're gonna sing? Do you sing? No kidding? 613 00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:12,406 - This is my first time. - Really? Where? I'd like to come. 614 00:33:12,573 --> 00:33:15,117 - Oh, no. No, no, no, no! - I'm interested. 615 00:33:15,284 --> 00:33:18,620 I'm just... I'm auditioning at this club. I don't... 616 00:33:18,788 --> 00:33:22,749 - It's my first time. - It's OK. I know exactly what that's like. 617 00:33:22,917 --> 00:33:26,670 You're gonna like nightclubs. They're really a lot of fun. 618 00:33:26,838 --> 00:33:28,839 (piano) 619 00:33:31,884 --> 00:33:34,344 ♪ It had to be you 620 00:33:34,512 --> 00:33:36,596 (microphone feedback) 621 00:33:37,515 --> 00:33:44,312 ♪ It had to be you 622 00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:45,689 (glasses smash) 623 00:33:45,857 --> 00:33:48,025 ♪ I wandered around 624 00:33:48,192 --> 00:33:50,485 ♪ And finally found 625 00:33:50,653 --> 00:33:55,657 ♪ The somebody who 626 00:33:55,825 --> 00:33:58,076 (arguing) 627 00:33:58,244 --> 00:34:03,707 ♪ Could make me be true 628 00:34:03,875 --> 00:34:09,171 ♪ Could make me be blue 629 00:34:09,338 --> 00:34:10,964 (talking) 630 00:34:11,132 --> 00:34:14,593 - ♪ And even be glad - (phone rings) 631 00:34:14,761 --> 00:34:16,928 ♪ Just to be sad 632 00:34:17,096 --> 00:34:24,186 - (ringing continues) - ♪ Thinking of you 633 00:34:24,353 --> 00:34:26,772 I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing! 634 00:34:26,939 --> 00:34:29,066 So the audience was a tad restless. 635 00:34:29,233 --> 00:34:32,110 What do you mean, a tad restless? They hated me! 636 00:34:32,278 --> 00:34:34,780 They didn't! You have a wonderful voice! 637 00:34:34,947 --> 00:34:38,366 - I'm gonna quit. - I won't let you. You have a great voice. 638 00:34:38,534 --> 00:34:41,953 - Really? Do you think so? Really? - Yeah. It's terrific. 639 00:34:42,121 --> 00:34:44,247 I never even took a lesson, either. 640 00:34:44,415 --> 00:34:46,416 Hey, listen. Give me a kiss. 641 00:34:46,584 --> 00:34:49,753 - Really? - Because we're just gonna go home later. 642 00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:54,841 There's gonna be all that tension and I won't know when to make the right move. 643 00:34:55,009 --> 00:34:58,512 So we'll kiss now, we'll get it over with and then go eat. 644 00:34:58,679 --> 00:35:01,014 - We'll digest our food better. - OK. 645 00:35:02,475 --> 00:35:05,727 OK? So now we can digest our food. 646 00:35:05,895 --> 00:35:08,230 I'm gonna have the corned beef, please. 647 00:35:08,397 --> 00:35:11,274 Oh. I'm gonna have pastrami on white bread... 648 00:35:11,442 --> 00:35:14,402 ...with mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce. 649 00:35:17,073 --> 00:35:22,160 So, um... your second wife left you. And were you depressed about that? 650 00:35:22,328 --> 00:35:25,455 Nothing that a few megavitamins couldn't cure. 651 00:35:26,541 --> 00:35:28,542 And your first wife? Allison? 652 00:35:28,709 --> 00:35:33,255 She was nice, but... That was my fault. I was just... I was too crazy. 653 00:35:33,422 --> 00:35:35,507 (Annie) Mm... Mm... 654 00:35:36,551 --> 00:35:38,552 That was so nice. 655 00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:40,720 That was nice. 656 00:35:40,888 --> 00:35:43,765 As Balzac said, "There goes another novel." 657 00:35:45,852 --> 00:35:47,853 - You were great. - Oh. 658 00:35:48,020 --> 00:35:50,021 Yeah? Yeah? 659 00:35:50,189 --> 00:35:52,274 Yeah. I'm wrecked. 660 00:35:53,401 --> 00:35:55,402 - You're wrecked! - I mean it. 661 00:35:55,570 --> 00:35:57,737 I will never play the piano again. 662 00:35:58,823 --> 00:36:02,242 It was... I don't know. You really thought it was good? 663 00:36:02,410 --> 00:36:04,411 Good? Yes. 664 00:36:04,579 --> 00:36:07,914 That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing. 665 00:36:08,082 --> 00:36:10,083 Here. You want some? 666 00:36:10,251 --> 00:36:14,880 No. I... I don't... use any major hallucinogenics because I... 667 00:36:15,047 --> 00:36:18,300 ...took a puff about five years ago at a party and... 668 00:36:18,467 --> 00:36:19,593 Yeah? 669 00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:22,179 Tried to take my pants off over my head. 670 00:36:22,346 --> 00:36:24,931 - (snorts and giggles) - Got in one ear. 671 00:36:25,099 --> 00:36:28,143 Well, I don't really... I don't do it very often. 672 00:36:28,311 --> 00:36:30,395 It just sort of relaxes me. 673 00:36:32,773 --> 00:36:36,151 - You're not gonna believe this, but... - What? What? 674 00:36:39,113 --> 00:36:43,158 I'm gonna buy you these books because I think you should read them. 675 00:36:43,326 --> 00:36:47,245 - Instead of that cat book. - That's pretty serious stuff there. 676 00:36:47,413 --> 00:36:51,333 Yeah. Cos I'm obsessed with death, I think. Big subject with me. 677 00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:53,752 I have a very pessimistic view of life. 678 00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:56,379 You should know this if we're gonna go out. 679 00:36:56,547 --> 00:37:00,550 I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. 680 00:37:00,718 --> 00:37:05,222 Those are the two categories. The horrible would be like terminal cases. 681 00:37:05,389 --> 00:37:09,684 And blind people. And cripples. I don't know how they get through life. 682 00:37:09,852 --> 00:37:12,020 And the miserable is everyone else. 683 00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:15,232 So you should be thankful that you're miserable. 684 00:37:15,399 --> 00:37:17,567 You're very lucky to be miserable. 685 00:37:18,861 --> 00:37:20,862 (Alvy) Look at that guy. 686 00:37:21,030 --> 00:37:23,114 In the pink. Mr Miami Beach there. 687 00:37:23,282 --> 00:37:26,701 He's just come back from the gin rummy finals. 688 00:37:26,869 --> 00:37:28,662 Placed third. 689 00:37:28,829 --> 00:37:33,708 Look at these guys. They're back from Fire Island. They're giving it a chance. 690 00:37:33,876 --> 00:37:37,212 - (Annie) Italian, right? - Him? Yeah, he's the Mafia. 691 00:37:37,380 --> 00:37:41,091 Linen supply business or cement and contracting, I think. 692 00:37:41,259 --> 00:37:43,593 "Oh, gee! Must have my moustache waxed." 693 00:37:43,761 --> 00:37:47,639 There's the winner of the Truman Capote lookalike contest. 694 00:37:47,848 --> 00:37:50,475 (Alvy) You are extremely sexy. Unbelievably sexy. 695 00:37:50,643 --> 00:37:52,644 - No, I'm not. - Yes, you are. 696 00:37:52,812 --> 00:37:56,314 You know what you are? You're polymorphously perverse. 697 00:37:56,482 --> 00:37:59,276 What does that mean? I don't know what that is. 698 00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:02,862 You're exceptional in bed because you get pleasure... 699 00:38:03,030 --> 00:38:07,284 ...in every part of your body when I touch you. Like the tip of your nose. 700 00:38:07,451 --> 00:38:11,538 If I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps, you suddenly get excited. 701 00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:13,707 You know what? I like you. 702 00:38:13,874 --> 00:38:15,875 I really do like you. 703 00:38:16,043 --> 00:38:18,503 Do you love me? That's the key question. 704 00:38:18,671 --> 00:38:21,214 I know you've only known me a short while. 705 00:38:21,382 --> 00:38:24,676 I think that's sort of... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 706 00:38:24,844 --> 00:38:26,845 Do you love me? 707 00:38:27,013 --> 00:38:30,724 Love is... too weak a word for... the way I feel. 708 00:38:30,891 --> 00:38:33,393 I lurve you. You know, I loave you. 709 00:38:33,561 --> 00:38:36,521 I luff you. With two Fs. Yes, I have to invent... 710 00:38:36,689 --> 00:38:38,857 Of course I do. Don't you think I do? 711 00:38:39,025 --> 00:38:41,109 I don't know. 712 00:38:43,362 --> 00:38:45,905 You're not gonna give up your apartment, are you? 713 00:38:46,073 --> 00:38:47,032 Of course. 714 00:38:47,199 --> 00:38:49,200 - But why? - I'm moving in with you. 715 00:38:49,368 --> 00:38:52,954 - But you've got a nice apartment. - I have a tiny apartment. 716 00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:56,458 - I know it's small. - And it's got bad plumbing and bugs. 717 00:38:56,625 --> 00:39:01,379 Granted. It has bad plumbing and bugs. You say that like it's a negative thing. 718 00:39:01,547 --> 00:39:05,425 You know, bugs are... Entomology is a rapidly growing field. 719 00:39:05,593 --> 00:39:09,721 - You don't want me to live with you. - I don't want you to live with me? 720 00:39:09,889 --> 00:39:11,890 - Whose idea was it? - Mine. 721 00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:15,477 It was yours, actually. But I approved it immediately. 722 00:39:15,644 --> 00:39:18,688 I guess you think I talked you into something, huh? 723 00:39:18,856 --> 00:39:22,233 No! We live together, we sleep together, we eat together. 724 00:39:22,401 --> 00:39:25,695 Jesus! You don't want it to be like we're married, do you? 725 00:39:25,863 --> 00:39:29,366 - How is it any different? - Cos you keep your own apartment. 726 00:39:29,533 --> 00:39:32,702 We don't have to go to it. We don't have to deal with it. 727 00:39:32,870 --> 00:39:37,290 It's like a free-floating life raft. That we know that we're not married. 728 00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:40,085 That little apartment is $400 a month, Alvy. 729 00:39:40,252 --> 00:39:42,712 - That place is $400 a month? - Yes, it is. 730 00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:44,881 It's got bad plumbing and bugs. 731 00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:50,512 Jesus! My accountant will write it off as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it. 732 00:39:50,679 --> 00:39:54,974 - You don't think I'm smart enough. - Hey, don't be ridiculous. 733 00:39:55,142 --> 00:39:59,229 Then why are you always pushing me to take college courses like I was dumb? 734 00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:01,523 Adult education's a wonderful thing. 735 00:40:01,690 --> 00:40:04,943 You meet interesting professors. It's stimulating. 736 00:40:17,581 --> 00:40:19,749 Does this sound like a good course? 737 00:40:19,917 --> 00:40:22,001 "Modern American Poetry"? 738 00:40:22,628 --> 00:40:25,171 Or let's see now. Maybe I should take... 739 00:40:25,923 --> 00:40:27,924 ..."Introduction to the Novel". 740 00:40:28,092 --> 00:40:31,886 Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf. 741 00:40:32,054 --> 00:40:33,596 What? 742 00:40:33,764 --> 00:40:38,518 Hey, what do you think? You think we should go to that party in Southampton? 743 00:40:38,686 --> 00:40:41,729 Don't be silly. What do we need other people for? 744 00:40:41,897 --> 00:40:46,484 We should just turn out the lights and play hide the salami or something. 745 00:40:46,652 --> 00:40:49,446 Well, listen, I'm gonna get a cigarette, OK? 746 00:40:49,613 --> 00:40:54,868 Grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday. 747 00:40:55,035 --> 00:40:57,829 - Well, have you ever made love high? - Me? No. 748 00:40:57,997 --> 00:41:02,292 If I have grass or alcohol or anything, I get unbearably wonderful. 749 00:41:02,460 --> 00:41:04,461 I get too wonderful for words. 750 00:41:04,628 --> 00:41:08,173 I don't know why you have to get high every time we make love. 751 00:41:08,340 --> 00:41:12,093 - Well, it relaxes me. - You have to be artificially relaxed... 752 00:41:12,261 --> 00:41:15,346 ...before we can go to bed? - What's the difference? 753 00:41:15,514 --> 00:41:19,017 Take a shot of Sodium Pentothal. You can sleep through it. 754 00:41:19,185 --> 00:41:22,103 You've been seeing a psychiatrist for15 years. 755 00:41:22,271 --> 00:41:25,398 You should smoke this. You'd be off the couch in no time. 756 00:41:25,566 --> 00:41:28,401 - Come on. You don't need that. - What are you doing? 757 00:41:28,569 --> 00:41:31,738 - No, Alvy. Please. - You can live without it once. 758 00:41:33,782 --> 00:41:35,867 Wait. I got a great idea. 759 00:41:36,827 --> 00:41:39,996 Hang in there for a second. I got a little artefact. 760 00:41:40,164 --> 00:41:43,875 A little erotic artefact that I brought up from the city... 761 00:41:44,043 --> 00:41:46,294 ...which I think is gonna be perfect. 762 00:41:46,462 --> 00:41:49,714 There. Create a little old New Orleans essence. 763 00:41:49,882 --> 00:41:52,342 Now we can go about our business here... 764 00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:55,470 ...and even develop photographs if we want to. 765 00:42:03,229 --> 00:42:05,772 - Hey, is something wrong? - No. Why? 766 00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:08,525 I don't know. It's like you're removed. 767 00:42:08,692 --> 00:42:10,693 No, I'm fine. 768 00:42:10,861 --> 00:42:12,946 - Really? - Uh-huh. 769 00:42:13,113 --> 00:42:15,907 I don't know. You seem sorta distant. 770 00:42:16,075 --> 00:42:18,076 Let's just do it, all right? 771 00:42:18,244 --> 00:42:21,621 Is it my imagination or are you just going through the motions? 772 00:42:21,789 --> 00:42:23,998 Do you remember where I put my drawing pad? 773 00:42:24,166 --> 00:42:27,502 While you two are doing that, I think I'm gonna do some drawing. 774 00:42:27,670 --> 00:42:30,755 - That's what I call removed. - Oh, you have my body. 775 00:42:30,923 --> 00:42:33,383 Yeah, but I want the whole thing. 776 00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:35,760 Well, I need grass. 777 00:42:35,928 --> 00:42:38,388 Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass. 778 00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:42,058 I'm a comedian. If I get a laugh from a person who's high... 779 00:42:42,226 --> 00:42:45,270 ...it doesn't count, cos they're always laughing. 780 00:42:45,437 --> 00:42:48,606 - Were you always funny? - What is this? An interview? 781 00:42:48,774 --> 00:42:50,858 We're supposed to be making love. 782 00:42:51,026 --> 00:42:54,237 This guy is naturally funny. I think he can write for you. 783 00:42:54,405 --> 00:42:57,448 Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're really good. 784 00:42:57,616 --> 00:42:59,617 Let me explain how I work. 785 00:42:59,785 --> 00:43:03,162 I don't look like a funny guy like some of the guys that come out. 786 00:43:03,330 --> 00:43:05,331 You know you're gonna fall down. 787 00:43:05,499 --> 00:43:10,169 But material's gotta be sensational for me. I work with very... I'm kinda classy. 788 00:43:10,337 --> 00:43:13,673 Let me explain. For instance, I open with an opening song. 789 00:43:13,841 --> 00:43:17,093 Musical style like - ♪ Bam da dam da da da - and I walk out... 790 00:43:17,261 --> 00:43:19,262 ♪ Place looks wonderful from here 791 00:43:19,430 --> 00:43:21,639 ♪ And you folks look wonderful from here 792 00:43:21,807 --> 00:43:24,350 ♪ And seeing you there with a smile on your face 793 00:43:24,518 --> 00:43:26,686 ♪ Makes me shout "This must be the place" 794 00:43:26,854 --> 00:43:29,731 Then I open with some jokes. That's where I need you. 795 00:43:29,898 --> 00:43:33,526 "I just got back from Canada. They speak a lot of French up there." 796 00:43:33,694 --> 00:43:38,197 "The word to remember is Jeanne d'Arc. It means the light's out in the bathroom." 797 00:43:38,365 --> 00:43:40,366 "I met a big lumberjack..." 798 00:43:40,534 --> 00:43:42,577 Jesus! This guy's pathetic. 799 00:43:42,745 --> 00:43:44,746 Look at him mincing around. 800 00:43:44,913 --> 00:43:47,790 He thinks he's real cute. You wanna throw up. 801 00:43:48,667 --> 00:43:51,210 If only I had the nerve to do my own jokes. 802 00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:56,382 I don't know how much longer I can keep this smile frozen on my face. 803 00:43:56,550 --> 00:43:58,801 I'm in the wrong business. I know it. 804 00:43:58,969 --> 00:44:02,555 (woman with French accent) "But... um... chéri... 805 00:44:02,723 --> 00:44:04,807 ...what will I do with this?" 806 00:44:05,142 --> 00:44:09,270 (man with French accent) "Oh, Marie! Sometime you make me so mad!" 807 00:44:09,438 --> 00:44:14,651 They scream at that! Write me something like that. A French number. Can you do it? 808 00:44:20,783 --> 00:44:23,117 Where am I? I have to reorient myself. 809 00:44:23,285 --> 00:44:27,747 This is the University of Wisconsin, right? Cos I'm always... tense... 810 00:44:27,915 --> 00:44:32,210 I have a very bad history with colleges. I went to New York University. 811 00:44:32,378 --> 00:44:35,630 And I was thrown out of NYU in my freshman year... 812 00:44:35,798 --> 00:44:38,341 ...for cheating on my metaphysics final. 813 00:44:38,509 --> 00:44:41,844 I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 814 00:44:42,012 --> 00:44:44,013 (laughter) 815 00:44:44,181 --> 00:44:47,350 My mother, an emotionally high-strung woman... 816 00:44:47,518 --> 00:44:52,271 ...locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles. 817 00:44:52,439 --> 00:44:54,440 (laughter) 818 00:44:54,608 --> 00:44:57,777 I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. 819 00:44:57,945 --> 00:45:01,906 I was suicidal, as a matter of fact, and would have killed myself. 820 00:45:02,074 --> 00:45:04,784 But I was in analysis with a strict Freudian. 821 00:45:04,952 --> 00:45:08,913 If you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss. 822 00:45:09,081 --> 00:45:11,165 (laughter) 823 00:45:12,793 --> 00:45:16,129 Alvy, you were just great. I'm not kidding. It was... 824 00:45:16,296 --> 00:45:19,799 - You were so funny. - College audiences are wonderful. 825 00:45:19,967 --> 00:45:23,136 And I'm starting to get more of the references too. 826 00:45:23,303 --> 00:45:27,098 Are you? Well, the 12 o'clock show's completely different. 827 00:45:27,266 --> 00:45:31,853 I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. You'll meet Mother and Father. 828 00:45:32,020 --> 00:45:35,022 - They'll hate me immediately. - I don't think so. 829 00:45:35,190 --> 00:45:40,236 I don't think they're gonna hate you at all. It's Easter. We'll have a nice dinner. 830 00:45:40,404 --> 00:45:42,780 I think they're gonna really like you. 831 00:45:51,665 --> 00:45:53,750 It's a nice ham this year, Mom. 832 00:45:54,835 --> 00:45:55,835 Oh, yeah. 833 00:45:56,003 --> 00:45:58,838 Grammy always does such a good job. 834 00:45:59,006 --> 00:46:00,757 A great sauce! 835 00:46:00,924 --> 00:46:03,009 It is. It's dynamite ham. 836 00:46:08,932 --> 00:46:10,933 We went over to the swap meet. 837 00:46:11,101 --> 00:46:14,896 Annie, Gram and I. We got some nice picture frames. 838 00:46:15,063 --> 00:46:17,648 (Annie) We really had a good time. 839 00:46:17,816 --> 00:46:22,862 Ann tells us that you've been seeing a psychiatrist for 15 years. 840 00:46:23,030 --> 00:46:25,072 Yes. I'm making excellent progress. 841 00:46:25,240 --> 00:46:29,577 Pretty soon when I lie down on his couch, I won't have to wear the lobster bib. 842 00:46:31,163 --> 00:46:35,374 - Duane and I went out to the boat basin. - We were caulking holes all day. 843 00:46:35,542 --> 00:46:38,628 And Randolph Hunt was drunk. As usual. 844 00:46:38,796 --> 00:46:42,131 That Randolph Hunt. You remember Randy Hunt, Annie. 845 00:46:42,299 --> 00:46:45,009 - He was in the choir with you. - Oh, yes. 846 00:46:45,844 --> 00:46:48,262 I can't believe this family. 847 00:46:48,430 --> 00:46:51,057 Annie's mother is really beautiful. 848 00:46:51,225 --> 00:46:54,268 And they're talking swap meets and boat basins. 849 00:46:54,436 --> 00:46:59,232 And the old lady at the end of the table is a classic Jew-hater. 850 00:46:59,399 --> 00:47:04,445 They really look American. Very healthy. Like they never get sick or anything. 851 00:47:04,613 --> 00:47:08,074 Nothing like my family. The two are like oil and water. 852 00:47:08,242 --> 00:47:11,410 Let him drop dead. Who needs his business? 853 00:47:11,578 --> 00:47:13,955 - His wife has diabetes. - Diabetes? 854 00:47:14,122 --> 00:47:16,666 Is that an excuse? Diabetes? 855 00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:20,962 The man is 50 years old and doesn't have a substantial job. 856 00:47:21,129 --> 00:47:25,508 - Is that a reason to steal from his father? - What are you talking about? 857 00:47:25,676 --> 00:47:27,677 Sure! Defend him! 858 00:47:27,845 --> 00:47:29,846 Pass the wurst there. 859 00:47:30,013 --> 00:47:32,598 Mo Moskowitz, he had a coronary. 860 00:47:32,766 --> 00:47:34,809 You don't say! 861 00:47:34,977 --> 00:47:38,062 How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs Singer? 862 00:47:38,230 --> 00:47:40,231 - We fast. - (Mr Hall) Fast? 863 00:47:40,399 --> 00:47:43,150 No food. To atone for our sins. 864 00:47:43,318 --> 00:47:45,319 What sins? I don't understand. 865 00:47:45,487 --> 00:47:47,738 To tell you the truth, neither do we. 866 00:47:47,906 --> 00:47:49,907 (Duane) Alvy. 867 00:47:50,075 --> 00:47:52,076 Hi, Duane. How's it goin'? 868 00:47:52,244 --> 00:47:54,245 This is my room. 869 00:47:54,413 --> 00:47:56,706 Oh, yeah? It's terrific. 870 00:47:56,874 --> 00:47:58,958 Can I confess something? 871 00:48:04,089 --> 00:48:08,301 I tell you this because, as an artist, I think you'll understand. 872 00:48:10,262 --> 00:48:12,346 Sometimes when I'm driving... 873 00:48:13,223 --> 00:48:17,393 ...on the road at night, I see two headlights coming toward me. 874 00:48:17,561 --> 00:48:21,606 Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly... 875 00:48:21,773 --> 00:48:23,941 ...head-on into the oncoming car. 876 00:48:24,776 --> 00:48:27,278 I can anticipate the explosion. 877 00:48:27,946 --> 00:48:30,448 The sound of shattering glass. The... 878 00:48:31,408 --> 00:48:34,785 ...flames rising out of the flowing gasoline. 879 00:48:38,373 --> 00:48:40,458 Right. Well... 880 00:48:41,209 --> 00:48:43,586 I have to go now, Duane, because I... 881 00:48:43,754 --> 00:48:46,380 ...I'm due back on the planet Earth. 882 00:48:47,257 --> 00:48:49,926 - Don't let it be so long. - Look up Uncle Billy. 883 00:48:50,093 --> 00:48:52,094 - He is adorable. - Do you think so? 884 00:48:52,262 --> 00:48:56,849 - You're taking them to the airport? - Duane can. I haven't finished my drink. 885 00:48:57,017 --> 00:48:59,894 Yes, Duane is. Just a second. I have to get... 886 00:49:18,580 --> 00:49:20,748 - You followed me. - I didn't follow you. 887 00:49:20,916 --> 00:49:22,124 You followed me! 888 00:49:22,292 --> 00:49:25,670 I was walking behind staring at you. That's not following. 889 00:49:25,837 --> 00:49:28,965 - What is your definition of following? - I was spying. 890 00:49:29,132 --> 00:49:33,302 - Do you realise how paranoid you are? - You've got your arms around a guy. 891 00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:35,596 That is the worst kind of paranoid. 892 00:49:35,764 --> 00:49:39,517 I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd pick you up after school. 893 00:49:39,685 --> 00:49:43,020 You wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? 894 00:49:43,188 --> 00:49:45,815 You're having an affair with your professor. 895 00:49:45,983 --> 00:49:50,528 That jerk that teaches that crap course - Contemporary Crisis in Western Man? 896 00:49:50,696 --> 00:49:53,322 Existential Motifs in Russian Literature! 897 00:49:53,490 --> 00:49:55,491 It's all mental masturbation. 898 00:49:55,659 --> 00:49:57,994 We finally get to a subject you know about. 899 00:49:58,161 --> 00:50:01,288 Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. 900 00:50:01,456 --> 00:50:05,626 We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat. 901 00:50:05,794 --> 00:50:07,795 Neat. Are you 12 years old? 902 00:50:07,963 --> 00:50:10,881 - That's a Chippewa Falls expression. - Who cares?! 903 00:50:11,049 --> 00:50:15,011 Next he'll find you keen and peachy. Then he's got his hand on your ass. 904 00:50:15,178 --> 00:50:17,680 You've always had hostility towards David. 905 00:50:17,848 --> 00:50:20,433 - You call your teacher David? - It's his name. 906 00:50:20,600 --> 00:50:24,145 It's a biblical name, right? What does he call you? Bathsheba? 907 00:50:24,312 --> 00:50:28,274 Alvy. Alvy, you're the one who never wanted to make a real commitment. 908 00:50:28,442 --> 00:50:30,526 You don't think I'm smart enough. 909 00:50:30,694 --> 00:50:34,572 We had that argument just last month. Or don't you remember? 910 00:50:35,615 --> 00:50:37,700 - I'm home! - Oh, yeah? How did it go? 911 00:50:37,868 --> 00:50:40,953 Oh, it was really weird, but she's a very nice woman. 912 00:50:41,121 --> 00:50:44,665 I didn't have to lie down on the couch. She had me sitting up. 913 00:50:44,833 --> 00:50:48,294 I told her about the family and my feelings towards men... 914 00:50:48,462 --> 00:50:50,838 ...and my relationship with my brother. 915 00:50:51,006 --> 00:50:53,966 She mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that? 916 00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:58,262 I'm one of the few males who suffers from that. Go on. I'm interested. 917 00:50:58,430 --> 00:51:03,017 She said I was very guilty about my impulses towards marriage and children. 918 00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:07,772 Then I remembered, when I was a kid, I accidentally saw my parents making love. 919 00:51:07,939 --> 00:51:10,024 All this happened the first hour? 920 00:51:10,192 --> 00:51:13,861 I've been going for 15 years. I don't have... nothing like that. 921 00:51:14,029 --> 00:51:16,113 I told her my dream and then I cried. 922 00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:19,658 You cried? I have never once cried. That's fantastic. 923 00:51:19,826 --> 00:51:21,827 I whine. I sit and I whine. 924 00:51:21,995 --> 00:51:27,208 In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this pillow across my face and I can't breathe. 925 00:51:27,375 --> 00:51:29,460 - Sinatra? - Yeah. Strangling me. 926 00:51:29,628 --> 00:51:32,546 Sure. Because he's a singer and you're a singer. 927 00:51:32,714 --> 00:51:36,092 It's perfect. So you're trying to suffocate yourself. 928 00:51:36,259 --> 00:51:38,761 It's a perfect analytic kind of insight. 929 00:51:38,929 --> 00:51:41,597 She said your name was Alvy Singer. 930 00:51:42,390 --> 00:51:44,433 - What do you mean? Me? - Yeah, you. 931 00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:47,478 Because in the dream I break Sinatra's glasses. 932 00:51:47,646 --> 00:51:52,650 You never said Sinatra had glasses. What are you saying? That I'm suffocating you? 933 00:51:52,818 --> 00:51:55,861 God, Alvy. I did this really terrible thing to him. 934 00:51:56,029 --> 00:51:59,990 Because then, when he sang, it was in this real high-pitched voice. 935 00:52:00,158 --> 00:52:02,159 What did the doctor say? 936 00:52:02,327 --> 00:52:04,745 I should probably come five times a week. 937 00:52:04,913 --> 00:52:09,750 I don't think I mind analysis at all. The only question is, will it change my wife? 938 00:52:09,918 --> 00:52:11,919 - Will it change your wife? - My life. 939 00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:15,965 - You said, "Will it change my wife?" - I said, "Will it change my life?" 940 00:52:16,133 --> 00:52:18,134 - You said wife. - Life! I said life. 941 00:52:18,301 --> 00:52:22,138 She said, "Will it change my wife?" You heard that, so I'm not crazy. 942 00:52:22,305 --> 00:52:25,558 I told her I didn't think you'd ever take me seriously... 943 00:52:25,725 --> 00:52:28,185 ...because you don't think I'm smart enough. 944 00:52:28,353 --> 00:52:30,354 Why do you always bring that up? 945 00:52:30,522 --> 00:52:33,774 Because I encourage you to take adult education courses? 946 00:52:33,942 --> 00:52:36,652 You meet wonderful, interesting professors. 947 00:52:36,820 --> 00:52:40,197 Adult education is such junk. The professors are so phoney. 948 00:52:40,365 --> 00:52:43,617 I don't care what you say about David. He's a fine teacher. 949 00:52:43,785 --> 00:52:45,870 And why are you following me around? 950 00:52:46,037 --> 00:52:48,956 - I was following you and David. - Let's call it quits. 951 00:52:49,124 --> 00:52:52,376 That's fine. That's great. I don't know what I did wrong. 952 00:52:52,544 --> 00:52:55,212 She cooled off to me. Is it something that I did? 953 00:52:55,380 --> 00:52:59,008 It's never something you do. That's how people are. Love fades. 954 00:52:59,176 --> 00:53:01,844 Love fades? God! That's a depressing thought. 955 00:53:02,012 --> 00:53:05,347 I have to ask you a question. With your wife in bed... 956 00:53:05,515 --> 00:53:10,102 ...does she need some kind of artificial stimulation? Like marijuana? 957 00:53:10,270 --> 00:53:12,271 We use a large vibrating egg. 958 00:53:12,439 --> 00:53:14,440 A large vibrating egg? 959 00:53:14,608 --> 00:53:18,319 Well, I ask a psychopath, I get that kind of an answer. Jesus! 960 00:53:18,486 --> 00:53:20,946 Here. You look like a very happy couple. 961 00:53:21,114 --> 00:53:23,199 - Are you? - Yeah. 962 00:53:23,366 --> 00:53:25,659 So how do you account for it? 963 00:53:25,827 --> 00:53:28,370 Uh... I'm very shallow and empty... 964 00:53:28,538 --> 00:53:32,833 ...and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say. 965 00:53:33,001 --> 00:53:37,421 - And I'm exactly the same way. - I see. Well, that's very interesting. 966 00:53:37,589 --> 00:53:40,466 So you've managed to work out something, huh? 967 00:53:40,634 --> 00:53:43,177 Well, thanks very much for talking to me. 968 00:53:43,345 --> 00:53:47,765 Even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think that's my problem. 969 00:53:47,933 --> 00:53:52,269 My mother took me to see Snow White. Everyone fell in love with Snow White. 970 00:53:52,437 --> 00:53:54,897 I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen. 971 00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:57,983 - We never have any fun any more. - How can you say that? 972 00:53:58,151 --> 00:54:00,819 You're always leaning on me to improve myself. 973 00:54:00,987 --> 00:54:03,280 You must be getting your period. 974 00:54:03,448 --> 00:54:05,950 I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon character. 975 00:54:06,117 --> 00:54:08,118 Can't I be upset once in a while? 976 00:54:08,286 --> 00:54:11,622 Max, forget about Annie. I know lots of women you can date. 977 00:54:11,790 --> 00:54:14,124 I don't wanna go out with any other women. 978 00:54:14,292 --> 00:54:18,545 I have got a girl for you. You'll love her. She's a reporter for Rolling Stone. 979 00:54:19,673 --> 00:54:24,468 I think there are more people here to see the Maharishi than there were for Dylan. 980 00:54:24,636 --> 00:54:27,596 I covered the Dylan concert, which gave me chills. 981 00:54:27,764 --> 00:54:32,351 Especially when he sang, "She takes just like a woman." 982 00:54:33,186 --> 00:54:37,314 "And she makes love just like a woman. Yes, she does." 983 00:54:38,149 --> 00:54:41,402 "And she aches just like a woman." 984 00:54:41,569 --> 00:54:44,113 "But she breaks just like a little girl." 985 00:54:44,281 --> 00:54:47,449 After that, the most charismatic event I covered... 986 00:54:47,617 --> 00:54:50,577 ...was Mick's birthday at Madison Square Garden. 987 00:54:50,745 --> 00:54:54,331 - That's great. That's just great. - Did you catch Dylan? 988 00:54:54,499 --> 00:54:57,835 Me? No, I couldn't make it. My raccoon had hepatitis. 989 00:54:58,003 --> 00:54:59,795 You have a raccoon? 990 00:54:59,963 --> 00:55:01,505 A few. 991 00:55:01,673 --> 00:55:04,133 The only word for this is transplendid. 992 00:55:04,301 --> 00:55:06,302 It's transplendid. 993 00:55:06,469 --> 00:55:08,470 I can think of another word. 994 00:55:08,638 --> 00:55:11,807 He's God. This man is God. He's got millions of followers... 995 00:55:11,975 --> 00:55:15,728 ...who would crawl across the world just to touch the hem of his garment. 996 00:55:15,895 --> 00:55:17,896 Yeah? Must be a tremendous hem. 997 00:55:18,064 --> 00:55:20,232 - I'm a Rosicrucian myself. - Are you? 998 00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:24,486 I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics. 999 00:55:24,654 --> 00:55:27,614 Look. There's God coming out of the men's room. 1000 00:55:27,782 --> 00:55:29,950 It's unbelievably transplendid! 1001 00:55:30,118 --> 00:55:33,329 I was at the Stones concert when they killed that guy. 1002 00:55:33,496 --> 00:55:36,040 Were you? I was at an Alice Cooper thing... 1003 00:55:36,207 --> 00:55:40,169 ...where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes. 1004 00:55:40,879 --> 00:55:43,714 I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish. 1005 00:55:44,424 --> 00:55:47,593 Oh, no. Don't be... Don't be silly. You know, I... 1006 00:55:48,261 --> 00:55:51,513 I'm starting to get some feeling back in my jaw now. 1007 00:55:53,391 --> 00:55:56,685 Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience. 1008 00:55:56,853 --> 00:55:58,937 Oh. Thank you. 1009 00:55:59,981 --> 00:56:02,066 I mean that as a compliment. 1010 00:56:02,609 --> 00:56:07,071 I think... I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm. 1011 00:56:07,238 --> 00:56:10,032 You know, to make up for empty areas in life. 1012 00:56:12,118 --> 00:56:14,203 Who said that? 1013 00:56:15,955 --> 00:56:19,375 I don't know. I think it may have been Leopold and Loeb. 1014 00:56:19,542 --> 00:56:21,627 (phone rings) 1015 00:56:24,589 --> 00:56:26,673 Hello. 1016 00:56:27,842 --> 00:56:29,843 Oh, hi! 1017 00:56:30,011 --> 00:56:32,096 Uh... no. What... 1018 00:56:32,806 --> 00:56:34,848 What's the matter? 1019 00:56:35,016 --> 00:56:37,101 You sound terrible. 1020 00:56:38,770 --> 00:56:40,854 No. Sure, I... 1021 00:56:41,314 --> 00:56:43,315 What kind of emergency? 1022 00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:47,194 No. Well, stay there. Stay there. I'll come over right now. 1023 00:56:47,362 --> 00:56:49,863 Just stay there. I'll come right over. 1024 00:56:50,073 --> 00:56:52,074 (Alvy) It's me. Open up. Are you OK? 1025 00:56:52,242 --> 00:56:54,451 What's the matter? Are you all right? 1026 00:56:54,619 --> 00:56:56,703 There's a spider in the bathroom. 1027 00:56:56,871 --> 00:56:57,955 What? 1028 00:56:58,123 --> 00:57:00,916 There's a big, black spider in the bathroom. 1029 00:57:02,085 --> 00:57:06,588 You got me here at three in the morning cos there's a spider in the bathroom? 1030 00:57:06,756 --> 00:57:11,552 You know how I am about insects. I can't sleep with a live thing crawling around. 1031 00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:15,264 Kill it! What's wrong with you? Don't you have a can of Raid? 1032 00:57:15,432 --> 00:57:16,932 No. 1033 00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:21,311 I told you a thousand times. You should always keep a lotta insect spray. 1034 00:57:21,479 --> 00:57:23,689 You never know who's gonna crawl over. 1035 00:57:23,857 --> 00:57:26,525 And a first-aid kit and a fire-extinguisher... 1036 00:57:26,693 --> 00:57:29,111 Give me a magazine, cos I'm a little tired. 1037 00:57:29,279 --> 00:57:32,281 You make fun of me, but I'm prepared for anything. 1038 00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:35,242 An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake. 1039 00:57:36,119 --> 00:57:39,413 Hey, what is this? Did you go to a rock concert? 1040 00:57:39,581 --> 00:57:40,747 Yeah. 1041 00:57:40,915 --> 00:57:42,916 Oh, yeah? Really? 1042 00:57:43,084 --> 00:57:45,085 How'd you like it? 1043 00:57:45,253 --> 00:57:49,298 Was it... I mean, was it heavy? Did it achieve total heavy-ocity? 1044 00:57:49,466 --> 00:57:51,467 It was just great. 1045 00:57:51,634 --> 00:57:55,179 Why don't you get the guy that took you to the rock concert... 1046 00:57:55,346 --> 00:57:57,389 ...to come over and kill the spider? 1047 00:57:57,557 --> 00:58:00,184 I called you. You wanna help me or not, huh? 1048 00:58:00,351 --> 00:58:02,936 Since when do you read the National Review? 1049 00:58:03,104 --> 00:58:07,107 - What are you turning into? - I like to try to get all points of view. 1050 00:58:07,275 --> 00:58:10,027 Then get William F Buckley to kill the spider. 1051 00:58:10,195 --> 00:58:13,071 Alvy, you're a little hostile. You know that? 1052 00:58:13,239 --> 00:58:15,657 Not only that. You look thin and tired. 1053 00:58:15,825 --> 00:58:19,161 It's three o'clock in the morning! You got me out of bed. 1054 00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:23,540 I ran over here. I couldn't get a taxi cab. You said it was an emergency. 1055 00:58:23,708 --> 00:58:27,920 I ran up the stairs. I was a lot more attractive when the evening began. 1056 00:58:28,087 --> 00:58:31,131 Are you going with a right-wing rock-and-roll star? 1057 00:58:31,299 --> 00:58:33,842 Would you like a glass of chocolate milk? 1058 00:58:34,010 --> 00:58:36,720 Hey, what am I? Your son? I came over for... 1059 00:58:36,888 --> 00:58:38,931 I got the good chocolate. 1060 00:58:39,098 --> 00:58:41,808 - Where's the spider? - It's in the bathroom. 1061 00:58:41,976 --> 00:58:46,897 Don't squish it. And after it's dead, flush it down the toilet a couple of times. 1062 00:58:47,065 --> 00:58:50,567 Darling, I've been killing spiders since I was 30, OK? 1063 00:58:54,072 --> 00:58:57,783 It's a very big spider. Lotta trouble. There's two of them. 1064 00:58:57,951 --> 00:59:01,954 I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. You got a broom? 1065 00:59:02,121 --> 00:59:06,291 It's at your house. I think I left it there. I'm sorry. What are you doing? 1066 00:59:06,459 --> 00:59:09,920 Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick. 1067 00:59:10,088 --> 00:59:12,172 OK. 1068 00:59:15,802 --> 00:59:17,302 Hey... 1069 00:59:17,470 --> 00:59:21,265 - What is this? You got black soap? - It's for my complexion. 1070 00:59:21,808 --> 00:59:24,309 What, are you joining a minstrel show? 1071 00:59:30,608 --> 00:59:32,568 (crashing and banging) 1072 00:59:32,735 --> 00:59:34,820 Don't worry! 1073 00:59:43,538 --> 00:59:46,665 I did it. I killed them both. What are you sad about? 1074 00:59:46,833 --> 00:59:50,586 What did you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em? 1075 00:59:50,753 --> 00:59:53,880 - Oh, don't go. Please. - What do you mean, don't... 1076 00:59:54,048 --> 00:59:57,092 What's the matter? Are you expecting termites? 1077 00:59:57,260 --> 00:59:59,428 What's the matter? 1078 00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:01,680 I don't know. I miss you. 1079 01:00:02,432 --> 01:00:04,433 - Oh, Jesus. Really? - Oh, yeah. 1080 01:00:04,601 --> 01:00:06,685 Oh... 1081 01:00:12,066 --> 01:00:14,151 - Alvy? - What? 1082 01:00:16,029 --> 01:00:19,197 Was there somebody in your room when I called you? 1083 01:00:20,116 --> 01:00:23,785 - What do you mean? - Was there... I thought I heard a voice. 1084 01:00:23,953 --> 01:00:27,748 I had the radio on. I'm sorry - it was the television set. 1085 01:00:27,915 --> 01:00:30,000 I was watching... 1086 01:00:33,796 --> 01:00:36,173 Alvy, let's never break up again. 1087 01:00:36,341 --> 01:00:38,550 I don't wanna be apart. 1088 01:00:38,718 --> 01:00:42,512 I think we're both much too mature for something like that. 1089 01:00:43,389 --> 01:00:46,099 Living together hasn't been so bad, has it? 1090 01:00:46,267 --> 01:00:48,977 No. For me, it's been terrific. You know? 1091 01:00:49,145 --> 01:00:51,605 Better than either one of my marriages. 1092 01:00:51,773 --> 01:00:57,152 There's just something different about you. I don't know what it is, but it's great. 1093 01:00:57,320 --> 01:01:02,074 You know, I think that if you let me, maybe I could help you have more fun. 1094 01:01:02,241 --> 01:01:04,326 I mean, I know it's hard. It's... 1095 01:01:05,411 --> 01:01:08,664 Alvy, what about... what if we go away this weekend? 1096 01:01:08,831 --> 01:01:12,876 Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us would drive into Brooklyn? 1097 01:01:13,044 --> 01:01:16,880 We could show you the old neighbourhood. That'd be fun for you. 1098 01:01:17,048 --> 01:01:18,924 Yeah, it would. 1099 01:01:19,092 --> 01:01:21,009 (Annie) Oh, my God! It's a great day! 1100 01:01:21,177 --> 01:01:24,012 (Alvy) Watch the road! You're gonna total the car! 1101 01:01:24,180 --> 01:01:26,515 (Annie) I've never even been to Brooklyn. 1102 01:01:26,683 --> 01:01:30,727 (Rob) Got to see the old neighbourhood. We can show her the schoolyard. 1103 01:01:30,895 --> 01:01:35,273 (Alvy) I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max. The best. I was all-schoolyard. 1104 01:01:35,441 --> 01:01:38,694 They threw him a football once and he tried to dribble it. 1105 01:01:38,861 --> 01:01:40,862 I used to lose my glasses a lot. 1106 01:01:41,030 --> 01:01:44,700 (Alvy) Oh, look! That's my old house. That's where I used to live. 1107 01:01:44,867 --> 01:01:45,909 (Annie) Holy cow! 1108 01:01:46,077 --> 01:01:50,038 (Rob) You're lucky. Where I lived is now a pornographic equipment store. 1109 01:01:50,206 --> 01:01:52,749 (Alvy) I have some very good memories there. 1110 01:01:52,917 --> 01:01:55,460 Your mother and father fighting all the time? 1111 01:01:55,628 --> 01:01:58,547 Yeah, and always over the most ridiculous things. 1112 01:01:58,715 --> 01:02:00,841 - You fired the cleaner? - She stole! 1113 01:02:01,008 --> 01:02:03,260 She's coloured! They have enough trouble! 1114 01:02:03,428 --> 01:02:06,763 - She went through my pocketbook! - They're persecuted enough! 1115 01:02:06,931 --> 01:02:09,975 - Who's persecuting? She stole! - So? We can afford it! 1116 01:02:10,143 --> 01:02:13,353 How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more? 1117 01:02:13,521 --> 01:02:16,523 She's a coloured woman from Harlem! She has no money! 1118 01:02:16,691 --> 01:02:20,652 She's got a right to steal from us! Who is she gonna steal from if not us? 1119 01:02:20,820 --> 01:02:23,405 - You're both crazy! - They can't hear you, Max. 1120 01:02:23,573 --> 01:02:26,533 Leo, I married a fool! 1121 01:02:26,701 --> 01:02:28,410 Hey, Max. What's that? 1122 01:02:28,578 --> 01:02:33,081 That's the welcome-home party, 1945, for my cousin Herbie. 1123 01:02:33,249 --> 01:02:35,333 (rumbling) 1124 01:02:36,711 --> 01:02:40,046 Look. There. That's Joey Nichols. He was my father's friend. 1125 01:02:40,214 --> 01:02:42,841 He was always bothering me when I was a kid. 1126 01:02:43,009 --> 01:02:45,260 Joey Nichols. See? Nickels. 1127 01:02:45,428 --> 01:02:47,429 See? Nickels. 1128 01:02:47,597 --> 01:02:51,099 You see? Nickels. You can always remember my name. 1129 01:02:51,267 --> 01:02:53,810 Just think of Joey Five Cents. Ha-ha! 1130 01:02:53,978 --> 01:02:57,856 That's me! Joey Five Cents! 1131 01:02:58,024 --> 01:03:00,025 What an asshole. 1132 01:03:00,193 --> 01:03:03,361 The one who killed me the most was my mother's sister Tessie. 1133 01:03:03,529 --> 01:03:05,989 I was always the sister with good common sense. 1134 01:03:06,157 --> 01:03:08,575 Tessie was always the one with personality. 1135 01:03:08,743 --> 01:03:11,703 When she was younger, they all wanted to marry Tessie. 1136 01:03:11,871 --> 01:03:16,249 Tessie Moskowitz had the personality. She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt. 1137 01:03:16,417 --> 01:03:18,418 She was once a great beauty. 1138 01:03:18,586 --> 01:03:21,755 Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality. 1139 01:03:21,923 --> 01:03:23,924 I was a great beauty. 1140 01:03:24,091 --> 01:03:27,886 - How did this personality come about? - I was very charming. 1141 01:03:28,054 --> 01:03:30,806 There were many men interested in you? 1142 01:03:30,973 --> 01:03:33,600 Oh, I was quite a lively dancer. 1143 01:03:34,685 --> 01:03:36,686 That's very hard to believe. 1144 01:03:36,854 --> 01:03:41,525 Well, I had a really good day. It was just a real fine way to spend my birthday. 1145 01:03:41,692 --> 01:03:45,278 - Your birthday's not till tomorrow. - But it's real close. 1146 01:03:45,446 --> 01:03:47,739 Yeah, but no presents till midnight. 1147 01:03:47,907 --> 01:03:50,242 I wonder what this is. 1148 01:03:51,327 --> 01:03:53,578 - Happy birthday. - What is this? 1149 01:03:53,746 --> 01:03:55,997 Is this a present? Are you kidding? 1150 01:03:56,165 --> 01:03:59,209 - Yeah. Why don't you try it on? - Yeah? I don't... 1151 01:03:59,377 --> 01:04:03,964 - This is more like a present for you. - It'll add ten years to our sex life. 1152 01:04:04,131 --> 01:04:06,925 - Yeah. Forget it. - Here's a real present. 1153 01:04:07,093 --> 01:04:09,094 Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway? 1154 01:04:09,262 --> 01:04:11,346 - Check it out. - Let me see. 1155 01:04:12,014 --> 01:04:13,431 OK. Let's see. 1156 01:04:13,599 --> 01:04:15,225 Oh, God! 1157 01:04:15,393 --> 01:04:19,104 You knew I wanted this. God! It's terrific. God! 1158 01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:23,233 Just put on the watch and the... and that thing and everything. 1159 01:04:23,401 --> 01:04:25,235 Oh, God. Oh. 1160 01:04:33,619 --> 01:04:37,622 ♪ Seems like 1161 01:04:37,790 --> 01:04:42,961 ♪ Old times 1162 01:04:43,588 --> 01:04:46,756 ♪ Having you 1163 01:04:47,300 --> 01:04:49,801 ♪ To walk with 1164 01:04:49,969 --> 01:04:53,555 ♪ Seems like 1165 01:04:56,517 --> 01:05:01,521 ♪ Old times 1166 01:05:02,565 --> 01:05:07,277 ♪ Having you to walk with 1167 01:05:08,321 --> 01:05:13,700 ♪ And it's still a thrill 1168 01:05:13,868 --> 01:05:21,833 ♪ Just to have my arms around you 1169 01:05:24,795 --> 01:05:28,798 ♪ Still the thrill 1170 01:05:28,966 --> 01:05:36,681 ♪ That it was the day I found you 1171 01:05:36,849 --> 01:05:41,353 ♪ Seems like 1172 01:05:42,313 --> 01:05:49,778 ♪ Old times 1173 01:05:49,946 --> 01:05:55,951 ♪ Dinner dates and flowers 1174 01:05:57,536 --> 01:06:04,459 ♪ Old times 1175 01:06:04,627 --> 01:06:09,839 ♪ Staying up all hours 1176 01:06:10,007 --> 01:06:16,262 ♪ Making dreams come true 1177 01:06:16,430 --> 01:06:24,437 ♪ Doing things we used to do 1178 01:06:28,275 --> 01:06:36,282 ♪ Seems like old times 1179 01:06:38,995 --> 01:06:44,749 ♪ Here with 1180 01:06:46,252 --> 01:06:54,259 ♪ You 1181 01:06:56,053 --> 01:06:58,138 - (applause) - Thank you. 1182 01:06:59,807 --> 01:07:04,060 You were sensational. I told you if you stuck to it you would be great. 1183 01:07:04,228 --> 01:07:07,522 And... and you know... you were sensational. 1184 01:07:07,690 --> 01:07:10,734 Well, Alvy, they were just a terrific audience. 1185 01:07:10,901 --> 01:07:13,945 It makes it really easy for me because I can be... 1186 01:07:14,113 --> 01:07:15,488 Excuse me. 1187 01:07:15,656 --> 01:07:17,032 Hi, I'm Tony Lacey. 1188 01:07:17,199 --> 01:07:21,244 We just wanted to stop by and say that we really enjoyed your set. 1189 01:07:21,412 --> 01:07:23,413 Oh, yeah, really? 1190 01:07:23,581 --> 01:07:26,416 I thought it was very musical and I liked it a lot. 1191 01:07:26,584 --> 01:07:28,585 That's really nice. Thanks a lot. 1192 01:07:28,753 --> 01:07:32,088 Are you recording? Do you... Are you with any label now? 1193 01:07:32,256 --> 01:07:33,757 Me? No. (giggles) 1194 01:07:33,924 --> 01:07:35,383 No. Not at all. 1195 01:07:35,551 --> 01:07:39,846 Well, I'd like to talk to you about that sometime if you get a chance. 1196 01:07:40,014 --> 01:07:43,475 - Possibly working together. - Well, that's nice. 1197 01:07:44,477 --> 01:07:47,937 Oh, listen. This is Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy? 1198 01:07:48,105 --> 01:07:50,982 No, but I know your work. I'm a big fan of yours. 1199 01:07:51,150 --> 01:07:53,151 Thank you very much. 1200 01:07:53,319 --> 01:07:56,196 This is Shaun and Bob and... Bob and Petronia. 1201 01:07:56,363 --> 01:07:58,364 Hi. 1202 01:07:58,532 --> 01:08:01,868 We're going back to the Pierre. We're staying at the Pierre. 1203 01:08:02,036 --> 01:08:05,288 We're gonna meet Jack and Anjelica and have a drink. 1204 01:08:05,456 --> 01:08:08,166 If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you. 1205 01:08:08,334 --> 01:08:10,585 We can just sit and talk. Nothing... 1206 01:08:10,753 --> 01:08:14,798 Not a big deal. It's just relaxed. It would just be very mellow. 1207 01:08:15,424 --> 01:08:17,509 Remember we have that thing. 1208 01:08:17,676 --> 01:08:19,260 What thing? 1209 01:08:20,346 --> 01:08:24,766 Don't you remember we discussed that thing that we were... We had a... 1210 01:08:24,934 --> 01:08:26,935 Oh, the thing! 1211 01:08:27,103 --> 01:08:29,104 Oh, the thing. Yeah. 1212 01:08:29,271 --> 01:08:30,230 Yeah... 1213 01:08:30,397 --> 01:08:34,901 Oh, well, if it's inconvenient, that's fine too. We'll do it another time. 1214 01:08:35,069 --> 01:08:38,905 Maybe if you're on the coast, we'll get together and meet there. 1215 01:08:39,073 --> 01:08:41,574 It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it. 1216 01:08:41,742 --> 01:08:43,743 Nice to have met you. Good night. 1217 01:08:43,911 --> 01:08:45,995 Bye. 1218 01:08:50,417 --> 01:08:53,503 What's the matter? You wanted to go to that party? 1219 01:08:53,671 --> 01:08:56,131 I don't know. I thought it might be kinda fun. 1220 01:08:56,298 --> 01:08:58,591 It would be nice to meet some new people. 1221 01:08:59,718 --> 01:09:04,389 I don't think I could take a mellow evening. I don't respond well to mellow. 1222 01:09:04,557 --> 01:09:08,518 I have a tendency to... If I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot. 1223 01:09:08,686 --> 01:09:10,687 It's not good for my... 1224 01:09:10,855 --> 01:09:14,566 So you don't wanna go to the party. So what do you wanna do? 1225 01:09:22,533 --> 01:09:25,618 That was the last day I remember really having a good time. 1226 01:09:25,786 --> 01:09:29,747 - We never have any laughs any more. - I've been moody and dissatisfied. 1227 01:09:29,915 --> 01:09:33,042 - How often do you sleep together? - Do you have sex often? 1228 01:09:33,210 --> 01:09:37,797 - Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week. - Constantly. I'd say three times a week. 1229 01:09:37,965 --> 01:09:41,843 - The other night Alvy wanted to have sex. - She would not sleep with me. 1230 01:09:42,011 --> 01:09:46,598 Then... I don't know... Six months ago I would have done it just to please him. 1231 01:09:46,765 --> 01:09:51,102 I tried everything, you know. I put on soft music and my red light bulb. 1232 01:09:51,270 --> 01:09:54,272 But the thing is, since our discussions here... 1233 01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:56,900 ...I feel I have a right to my own feelings. 1234 01:09:57,067 --> 01:10:00,695 I think you would have been happy because I asserted myself. 1235 01:10:00,863 --> 01:10:05,700 I'm paying for her analysis. And she's making progress and I'm getting screwed. 1236 01:10:05,868 --> 01:10:08,745 I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it. 1237 01:10:08,913 --> 01:10:11,789 So I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him. 1238 01:10:11,957 --> 01:10:15,752 If I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings. 1239 01:10:15,920 --> 01:10:19,881 She's making progress and I'm not. Her progress is killing my progress. 1240 01:10:20,049 --> 01:10:23,218 Sometimes I think I should just live with a woman. 1241 01:10:23,385 --> 01:10:27,430 I don't believe it! You mean to tell me you guys have never snorted coke? 1242 01:10:27,598 --> 01:10:31,100 Well, I always wanted to try. But Alvy, he's very down on it. 1243 01:10:31,268 --> 01:10:35,104 Don't put it on me. I don't wanna put a wad of white powder in my nose. 1244 01:10:35,272 --> 01:10:37,273 There's the nasal membrane. 1245 01:10:37,441 --> 01:10:41,069 - You never wanna try anything new, Alvy. - How can you say that? 1246 01:10:41,237 --> 01:10:45,615 I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should have a threesome. 1247 01:10:45,783 --> 01:10:48,576 - Well, that's sick! - I know it's sick, but it's new. 1248 01:10:48,744 --> 01:10:50,745 You didn't say it couldn't be sick. 1249 01:10:50,913 --> 01:10:51,871 Come on, Alvy. 1250 01:10:52,039 --> 01:10:54,040 Do your body a favour. Try it. 1251 01:10:54,208 --> 01:10:57,085 I'm sure it's a lot of fun, cos the Incas did it. 1252 01:10:57,253 --> 01:10:59,254 And they were a million laughs. 1253 01:10:59,421 --> 01:11:02,465 Come on. For your own experience. You wanna write. 1254 01:11:02,633 --> 01:11:06,594 It's great stuff. A friend of mine just brought it in from California. 1255 01:11:06,762 --> 01:11:09,639 Oh, you know, we're going to California next week. 1256 01:11:09,807 --> 01:11:12,392 It's incredible. I'm thrilled, as you know. 1257 01:11:12,559 --> 01:11:16,396 On my agent's advice, I sold out and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV. 1258 01:11:16,563 --> 01:11:20,275 No. That's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on television. 1259 01:11:20,442 --> 01:11:23,027 You act like you're violating a moral issue. 1260 01:11:23,195 --> 01:11:26,823 We have to leave New York during Christmas week, which kills me. 1261 01:11:26,991 --> 01:11:32,245 Listen, while you're in California, could you possibly score some coke for me? 1262 01:11:32,413 --> 01:11:37,333 Oh, sure. I'd be glad to. I'll just put it in a hollow heel that I have on my boot. 1263 01:11:37,501 --> 01:11:39,919 How much is this stuff, incidentally? 1264 01:11:40,087 --> 01:11:42,088 It's about $2,000 an ounce. 1265 01:11:42,256 --> 01:11:45,383 Really? And what is the kick of it? Cos I never... 1266 01:11:51,056 --> 01:11:54,726 ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas... 1267 01:11:54,893 --> 01:11:58,730 (Rob) I've never been so relaxed as I have been since I moved here, Max. 1268 01:11:58,897 --> 01:12:03,151 I want you to see my house. I live next to Hugh Hefner. He lets me use the Jacuzzi. 1269 01:12:03,319 --> 01:12:06,279 And the women are like the women in Playboy magazine... 1270 01:12:06,447 --> 01:12:08,573 ...only they can move their arms and legs. 1271 01:12:08,741 --> 01:12:11,743 (Annie) I can't get over it - this is really Beverly Hills. 1272 01:12:11,910 --> 01:12:14,203 (Alvy) The architecture's so consistent. 1273 01:12:14,371 --> 01:12:17,540 French next to Spanish next to Tudor next to Japanese. 1274 01:12:17,708 --> 01:12:19,709 (Annie) God! It's so clean out here. 1275 01:12:19,877 --> 01:12:23,504 (Alvy) They don't throw their garbage out. They make it into TV shows. 1276 01:12:23,672 --> 01:12:25,965 (Rob) Give us a break, Max. It's Christmas. 1277 01:12:26,133 --> 01:12:28,134 (Alvy) Can you believe this is Christmas? 1278 01:12:28,302 --> 01:12:31,888 (Annie) It was snowing and really grey in New York, naturally. 1279 01:12:32,056 --> 01:12:34,265 (Alvy) Santa Claus'll have sunstroke. 1280 01:12:34,433 --> 01:12:37,143 Max, there's no crime. There's no mugging. 1281 01:12:37,311 --> 01:12:39,312 (Alvy) There's no economic crime. 1282 01:12:39,480 --> 01:12:44,692 But there's ritual religious-cult murders. There's wheat-germ killers out here. 1283 01:12:44,860 --> 01:12:48,154 While you're out here, I want you to see some of my TV show. 1284 01:12:48,322 --> 01:12:50,865 And we're invited to a big Christmas party. 1285 01:12:51,033 --> 01:12:55,912 ♪ Remember Christ our Saviour was born on Christmas Day 1286 01:12:56,080 --> 01:13:01,959 ♪ To save us all from Satan's power when we were gone astray... 1287 01:13:02,127 --> 01:13:05,129 All right now, Charlie, give me a good laugh here. 1288 01:13:05,297 --> 01:13:08,257 ...limousine to the track break down? - (laughter) 1289 01:13:08,425 --> 01:13:10,426 A little bigger. 1290 01:13:10,594 --> 01:13:13,137 Max, you realise how immoral this all is? 1291 01:13:13,305 --> 01:13:17,350 - Max, I got a hit series. - I know. But you're adding fake laughs. 1292 01:13:17,518 --> 01:13:19,102 ...home so early. 1293 01:13:19,269 --> 01:13:21,604 Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie. 1294 01:13:21,772 --> 01:13:24,232 We do this show live in front of an audience. 1295 01:13:24,400 --> 01:13:27,068 And nobody laughs, cos the jokes aren't funny. 1296 01:13:27,236 --> 01:13:29,362 That's why this machine is dynamite. 1297 01:13:29,530 --> 01:13:33,074 Honey, you'd better lie down. You've been in the sun too long. 1298 01:13:33,242 --> 01:13:35,785 Now give me a medium-sized chuckle here. 1299 01:13:35,953 --> 01:13:37,954 And then a big hand. 1300 01:13:38,122 --> 01:13:39,747 (applause) 1301 01:13:39,915 --> 01:13:41,916 Is there booing on that? 1302 01:13:42,084 --> 01:13:43,876 Oh, Max. 1303 01:13:44,044 --> 01:13:45,711 I don't feel well. 1304 01:13:45,879 --> 01:13:49,257 - What's the matter? - I don't know. I just got... very dizzy. 1305 01:13:49,425 --> 01:13:51,676 - I feel dizzy, Max. - Well, sit down. 1306 01:13:51,844 --> 01:13:53,428 (coughs) Oh, Jesus! 1307 01:13:53,595 --> 01:13:55,680 - Are you all right? - I don't know. 1308 01:13:55,848 --> 01:13:59,725 - You wanna lie down? - No. My stomach felt queasy all morning. 1309 01:13:59,893 --> 01:14:02,854 - How about a ginger ale? - Oh... Max, no. 1310 01:14:03,021 --> 01:14:05,022 Maybe I'd better lie down. 1311 01:14:05,190 --> 01:14:09,610 Why don't you try to get a little of this down? It's just plain chicken. 1312 01:14:09,778 --> 01:14:11,779 Oh, no. I can't eat this. 1313 01:14:11,947 --> 01:14:13,948 I'm nauseous. 1314 01:14:14,116 --> 01:14:18,911 If you can just give me something to get me through the next two hours. 1315 01:14:19,079 --> 01:14:22,748 I have to go out to Burbank and give out an award on a TV show. 1316 01:14:22,916 --> 01:14:26,335 There's nothing wrong with you, actually, so far as I can tell. 1317 01:14:26,503 --> 01:14:29,297 You have no fever. No symptoms of anything serious. 1318 01:14:29,465 --> 01:14:33,301 - You haven't eaten pork or shellfish. - Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor. 1319 01:14:33,469 --> 01:14:36,387 Alvy, that was the show. They said everything is fine. 1320 01:14:36,555 --> 01:14:39,932 They found a replacement so they're going to tape without you. 1321 01:14:40,100 --> 01:14:42,143 Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show? 1322 01:14:42,311 --> 01:14:45,938 - I know. Listen, doctor. - I was just saying, I can't find anything. 1323 01:14:46,106 --> 01:14:48,774 - Nothing at all? - No. I could get a lab man up here. 1324 01:14:48,942 --> 01:14:50,943 Can I have the salt, please? 1325 01:14:51,111 --> 01:14:55,198 Perhaps it would be even better if we took him to hospital for a day or two. 1326 01:14:55,365 --> 01:14:57,366 - Hospital? - Or there's no real way... 1327 01:14:57,534 --> 01:15:00,411 ...to tell what's going on. - This is not bad, actually. 1328 01:15:05,167 --> 01:15:08,461 (Alvy) Don't tell me we have to walk from the car to the house. 1329 01:15:08,629 --> 01:15:12,006 My feet haven't touched pavement since I reached Los Angeles. 1330 01:15:12,174 --> 01:15:15,468 I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy. 1331 01:15:15,636 --> 01:15:18,804 I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie. 1332 01:15:18,972 --> 01:15:20,973 All the good meetings are taken. 1333 01:15:21,141 --> 01:15:24,101 Right now it's only a notion. But I think I can get money... 1334 01:15:24,269 --> 01:15:27,188 ...to make it into a concept, and then turn it into an idea. 1335 01:15:27,356 --> 01:15:29,148 - Like this house, Max? - Mm-hm. 1336 01:15:29,316 --> 01:15:31,651 I even brought a map to get us to the bathroom. 1337 01:15:31,818 --> 01:15:34,362 You should have told me it was Tony Lacey's party. 1338 01:15:34,530 --> 01:15:36,531 What difference does that make? 1339 01:15:36,698 --> 01:15:39,992 - I think he has a thing for Annie. - No. Unfortunately, Max... 1340 01:15:40,160 --> 01:15:42,537 ...he goes with that girl over there. - Where? 1341 01:15:42,704 --> 01:15:44,705 The one with the VPL. 1342 01:15:44,873 --> 01:15:46,874 - VPL? - Visible Panty Line. 1343 01:15:47,042 --> 01:15:49,585 - Max, she is gorgeous. - Yeah, she's a ten, Max. 1344 01:15:49,753 --> 01:15:53,172 - Great for you, cos you're used to twos. - There are no twos, Max. 1345 01:15:53,340 --> 01:15:57,927 The kind with shopping bags in Central Park with surgical masks on, muttering. 1346 01:15:58,095 --> 01:16:02,056 How do you like this couple? They just came back from Masters and Johnson. 1347 01:16:02,224 --> 01:16:04,183 Yeah. Intensive care ward. 1348 01:16:04,351 --> 01:16:06,936 My God. Hey, Max, I think she's giving me the eye. 1349 01:16:07,104 --> 01:16:10,147 (Rob) If she comes over, my brain'll turn into guacamole. 1350 01:16:10,315 --> 01:16:12,441 - Hi. - Hi. You're Alvy Singer, right? 1351 01:16:12,609 --> 01:16:15,528 - Didn't we meet at EST? - EST? No, I was never to EST. 1352 01:16:15,696 --> 01:16:19,156 - Then how can you criticise it? - Oh, he didn't say anything. 1353 01:16:19,324 --> 01:16:23,160 I came out to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis. 1354 01:16:23,328 --> 01:16:26,330 - He's my food taster. Have you two met? - How you doing? 1355 01:16:26,498 --> 01:16:29,709 - You taste to see if the food's poisoned? - Yeah. He's great. 1356 01:16:29,876 --> 01:16:33,879 You guys are wearing white. It must be in the stars. Uri Geller must be here. 1357 01:16:34,047 --> 01:16:36,048 We're gonna operate together. 1358 01:16:36,216 --> 01:16:40,386 We just need about six weeks. In six weeks we could cut the whole album. 1359 01:16:40,554 --> 01:16:42,638 I don't know. This is strange to me. 1360 01:16:42,806 --> 01:16:46,350 You can come and stay here. There's a whole wing you can have. 1361 01:16:46,518 --> 01:16:49,353 - Yeah? Stay here? - Really. Why are you smiling? 1362 01:16:49,521 --> 01:16:51,355 I don't know. I don't know. 1363 01:16:51,523 --> 01:16:55,026 Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good meeting. 1364 01:16:55,193 --> 01:16:59,322 This is a great house. Really. Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts. 1365 01:16:59,489 --> 01:17:03,618 You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond. 1366 01:17:03,785 --> 01:17:06,329 - Then you know who lived here? - Trigger. 1367 01:17:06,496 --> 01:17:09,999 Charlie Chaplin. Right before his un-American thing. 1368 01:17:10,167 --> 01:17:11,834 That's great. 1369 01:17:12,002 --> 01:17:15,713 - But you guys are still New Yorkers. - Yeah, I love it there. 1370 01:17:15,881 --> 01:17:20,718 I used to live there. I used to live there for years, but... It's so dirty now. 1371 01:17:20,886 --> 01:17:22,887 I'm into garbage. It's my thing. 1372 01:17:23,055 --> 01:17:25,681 This is a really nice screening room, Tony. 1373 01:17:25,849 --> 01:17:28,184 There's another thing about New York. 1374 01:17:28,352 --> 01:17:32,688 If you wanna see a movie, you have to stand in line. It could be freezing. 1375 01:17:32,856 --> 01:17:35,274 We saw Grand Illusion here last night. 1376 01:17:35,442 --> 01:17:37,902 Hey, that's a great film if you're high. 1377 01:17:38,070 --> 01:17:41,238 Come and see our bedroom. We did a fantastic thing. 1378 01:17:41,406 --> 01:17:43,407 No, thanks, man. I'm cool. 1379 01:17:43,575 --> 01:17:46,619 It's wonderful. They just eat and watch movies all day. 1380 01:17:46,787 --> 01:17:48,788 And gradually you get old and die. 1381 01:17:48,955 --> 01:17:51,457 It's important to make an effort once in a while. 1382 01:17:51,625 --> 01:17:54,126 Do you think his girlfriend's beautiful? 1383 01:17:54,294 --> 01:17:56,837 A tad on the androgynous side, but dynamite. 1384 01:17:57,005 --> 01:17:59,340 Yeah. I forgot my mantra. 1385 01:17:59,508 --> 01:18:01,592 (♪ swinging music) 1386 01:18:17,943 --> 01:18:19,985 (Annie) That was fun. 1387 01:18:20,153 --> 01:18:23,114 I don't think California's bad at all. 1388 01:18:23,281 --> 01:18:25,491 It's a drag coming home. 1389 01:18:25,659 --> 01:18:27,660 (Alvy) A lot of beautiful women. 1390 01:18:27,828 --> 01:18:29,870 It was fun to flirt. 1391 01:18:30,038 --> 01:18:32,039 (Annie) I have to face facts. 1392 01:18:32,207 --> 01:18:36,335 I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesn't seem to work any more. 1393 01:18:36,503 --> 01:18:40,339 (Alvy) I'll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight. 1394 01:18:40,507 --> 01:18:42,508 Why do I need this? 1395 01:18:42,676 --> 01:18:47,179 (Annie) If only I had the nerve to break up. But it would really hurt him. 1396 01:18:47,347 --> 01:18:51,142 (Alvy) If only I didn't feel guilty asking Annie to move out. 1397 01:18:51,309 --> 01:18:54,520 It'd probably wreck her. But I should be honest. 1398 01:18:54,688 --> 01:18:57,857 Alvy, let's face it. You know... 1399 01:18:58,024 --> 01:19:00,943 I don't think our relationship is working. 1400 01:19:01,111 --> 01:19:04,155 I know. A relationship, I think, is like a shark. 1401 01:19:04,322 --> 01:19:07,616 It has to constantly move forward, or it dies. 1402 01:19:07,784 --> 01:19:11,162 And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark. 1403 01:19:12,164 --> 01:19:14,081 Whose Catcher in the Rye is this? 1404 01:19:14,249 --> 01:19:17,042 If it has my name on it, then I guess it's mine. 1405 01:19:17,210 --> 01:19:20,379 It sure has... You wrote your name in all my books... 1406 01:19:20,547 --> 01:19:22,840 ...cos you knew this day was gonna come. 1407 01:19:23,008 --> 01:19:26,385 Alvy, you wanted to break up just as much as I do. 1408 01:19:26,553 --> 01:19:30,973 No question. I think we're doing the mature thing, without any doubt. 1409 01:19:31,141 --> 01:19:36,270 All the books on death and dying are yours, and all the poetry books are mine. 1410 01:19:36,438 --> 01:19:41,025 Denial of Death. This is the first book that I got you. Remember that day? 1411 01:19:41,193 --> 01:19:44,695 Jeez, I feel like there's a great weight off my back. Hm. 1412 01:19:44,863 --> 01:19:46,864 Oh. Thanks, Annie. 1413 01:19:47,032 --> 01:19:50,493 Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I think it's really important for us... 1414 01:19:50,660 --> 01:19:53,621 ...to explore new relationships and stuff like that. 1415 01:19:53,789 --> 01:19:57,958 There's no question about that. Cos we've given this a more than fair shot. 1416 01:19:58,126 --> 01:20:00,669 My analyst thinks this move is key for me. 1417 01:20:00,837 --> 01:20:04,632 And, you know, I trust her. Because my analyst recommended her. 1418 01:20:04,800 --> 01:20:08,427 Why should I put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway? 1419 01:20:08,595 --> 01:20:10,721 And you know what the beauty part is? 1420 01:20:10,889 --> 01:20:14,016 - We can always get back together again. - Exactly. 1421 01:20:14,184 --> 01:20:18,896 I don't think many couples could handle this. Just break up and remain friends. 1422 01:20:19,064 --> 01:20:22,900 Hey, this one's mine, this button. I guess these are all yours. 1423 01:20:23,068 --> 01:20:25,402 Impeach Eisenhower. Impeach Nixon. 1424 01:20:25,570 --> 01:20:28,739 Impeach Lyndon Johnson. Impeach Ronald Reagan. 1425 01:20:31,076 --> 01:20:33,953 I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake. 1426 01:20:34,120 --> 01:20:36,664 She's living in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey. 1427 01:20:36,832 --> 01:20:40,918 Then the hell with her. If she likes that lifestyle, let her live there. 1428 01:20:41,086 --> 01:20:43,963 - He's a jerk, for one thing. - He graduated Harvard. 1429 01:20:44,130 --> 01:20:48,843 He may have... Listen, Harvard makes mistakes too. Kissinger taught there. 1430 01:20:49,010 --> 01:20:51,011 Don't tell me you're jealous. 1431 01:20:51,179 --> 01:20:53,722 Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea. 1432 01:20:53,890 --> 01:20:58,018 Can I show you something, lady? I have here... I found this in the apartment. 1433 01:20:58,186 --> 01:21:01,814 Black soap. She used to wash her face 800 times a day with black soap. 1434 01:21:01,982 --> 01:21:03,983 Don't ask me why. 1435 01:21:04,150 --> 01:21:06,485 Why don't you go out with other women? 1436 01:21:06,653 --> 01:21:10,197 Well, I tried. But it's... you know, it's very depressing. 1437 01:21:10,365 --> 01:21:13,325 This always happens to me. Quick! Get a broom! 1438 01:21:14,327 --> 01:21:18,038 What are you making such a big deal about? They're only lobsters. 1439 01:21:18,206 --> 01:21:21,166 You're a grown man. You know how to pick up a lobster. 1440 01:21:21,334 --> 01:21:24,670 - I'm not myself since I stopped smoking. - When did you quit? 1441 01:21:24,838 --> 01:21:25,921 16 years ago. 1442 01:21:26,089 --> 01:21:27,506 What do you mean? 1443 01:21:27,674 --> 01:21:28,966 Mean? 1444 01:21:29,759 --> 01:21:33,345 You stopped smoking 16 years ago. Is that what you said? 1445 01:21:34,639 --> 01:21:36,932 I don't understand. 1446 01:21:37,100 --> 01:21:39,184 Are you joking or what? 1447 01:21:51,031 --> 01:21:53,032 Central Park's turning green. 1448 01:21:53,199 --> 01:21:56,076 Yeah. I saw that lunatic that we used to see... 1449 01:21:56,244 --> 01:22:00,414 ...with the pinwheel hat, you know, and the roller skates. 1450 01:22:00,582 --> 01:22:03,208 Listen, I... I want you to come back here. 1451 01:22:04,127 --> 01:22:07,880 Well... Then I'm gonna come out there and get you. 1452 01:22:11,468 --> 01:22:14,553 What do you mean, where am I? Where do you think I am? 1453 01:22:14,721 --> 01:22:17,473 I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in. 1454 01:22:17,641 --> 01:22:20,059 I... Well, I flew in to see you. 1455 01:22:21,061 --> 01:22:24,396 Hey, listen. Can we not debate this on the telephone? 1456 01:22:24,564 --> 01:22:27,024 Because I feel that I got a temperature. 1457 01:22:27,192 --> 01:22:32,029 And I'm getting my chronic Los Angeles nausea already. I don't feel so good. 1458 01:22:32,197 --> 01:22:36,742 Wherever you wanna meet. I don't care. I'll drive in. I rented a car. 1459 01:22:37,410 --> 01:22:39,578 (Alvy) I'm driving. What do you... 1460 01:22:39,746 --> 01:22:42,831 What, is that such a miracle? I'm driving myself. 1461 01:22:58,890 --> 01:23:02,810 I'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and... 1462 01:23:02,978 --> 01:23:05,062 ...a plate of mashed yeast. 1463 01:23:15,407 --> 01:23:17,491 Hi. 1464 01:23:24,833 --> 01:23:26,834 You look very pretty. 1465 01:23:27,002 --> 01:23:30,671 Oh, no. I just lost a little weight, that's all. 1466 01:23:34,759 --> 01:23:37,845 Well... you look nice. 1467 01:23:38,013 --> 01:23:41,724 I've been thinking about it, and I think that we should get married. 1468 01:23:41,891 --> 01:23:43,350 Oh, Alvy. Come on. 1469 01:23:44,936 --> 01:23:47,271 Why? You wanna live out here? 1470 01:23:47,439 --> 01:23:49,690 It's like living in Munchkin Land. 1471 01:23:50,191 --> 01:23:53,152 What do you mean? It's perfectly fine out here. 1472 01:23:53,319 --> 01:23:55,320 I mean, Tony's very nice. 1473 01:23:55,488 --> 01:23:59,700 And... well, I meet people and I go to parties and we play tennis. 1474 01:23:59,868 --> 01:24:02,953 I mean, that's a very big step for me, you know. 1475 01:24:03,121 --> 01:24:05,539 I mean, I'm able to enjoy people more. 1476 01:24:06,458 --> 01:24:09,251 So... you're not gonna come back to New York? 1477 01:24:09,419 --> 01:24:13,255 What's so great about New York? It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice. 1478 01:24:13,423 --> 01:24:16,300 You didn't read Death in Venice till I bought it for you. 1479 01:24:16,468 --> 01:24:20,095 That's right. You only gave me books with the word "death" in the title. 1480 01:24:20,263 --> 01:24:22,514 Cos it's an important issue. 1481 01:24:22,682 --> 01:24:25,017 Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life. 1482 01:24:25,185 --> 01:24:28,103 You're like New York City. You're just this person. 1483 01:24:28,271 --> 01:24:30,773 You're like this island unto yourself. 1484 01:24:30,940 --> 01:24:33,692 I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is. 1485 01:24:33,860 --> 01:24:38,489 If one guy is starving someplace, that's... it puts a crimp in my evening. 1486 01:24:40,700 --> 01:24:42,785 So you wanna get married or what? 1487 01:24:44,621 --> 01:24:47,081 No. We're friends. 1488 01:24:47,248 --> 01:24:49,333 I wanna remain friends. 1489 01:24:50,752 --> 01:24:52,461 OK. 1490 01:24:52,629 --> 01:24:54,296 Check, please! 1491 01:24:54,464 --> 01:24:56,632 You're mad, aren't you? 1492 01:24:56,800 --> 01:25:00,302 Yes, of course I'm mad. Because you love me. I know that. 1493 01:25:00,470 --> 01:25:05,140 Alvy, I can't say that that's true at this point in my life. I really can't. 1494 01:25:05,308 --> 01:25:07,309 You know how wonderful you are. 1495 01:25:07,477 --> 01:25:12,022 You know you're the reason that I got out of my room and that I was able to sing... 1496 01:25:12,190 --> 01:25:15,442 ...and get more in touch with my feelings and all that crap. 1497 01:25:15,610 --> 01:25:19,655 Anyway, look, I don't wanna... Listen, listen, listen, um... 1498 01:25:20,532 --> 01:25:22,616 So what are you up to anyway, huh? 1499 01:25:24,744 --> 01:25:28,789 The usual, you know. I'm trying to write. I'm working on a play. 1500 01:25:29,207 --> 01:25:33,377 (sighs) So what are you saying? You're not coming back to New York with me? 1501 01:25:34,295 --> 01:25:36,380 No. Look... 1502 01:25:37,924 --> 01:25:39,341 I gotta go. 1503 01:25:39,509 --> 01:25:42,052 - I flew 3,000 miles to see you. - I'm late. 1504 01:25:42,220 --> 01:25:45,180 Air miles. You know what that does to my stomach? 1505 01:25:45,348 --> 01:25:48,433 It's a hectic time for Tony. The Grammies are tonight. 1506 01:25:48,601 --> 01:25:51,478 - The what? - He's got a lot of records up for awards. 1507 01:25:51,646 --> 01:25:54,731 They give awards for that music? I thought just earplugs. 1508 01:25:54,899 --> 01:25:57,734 Just forget it! Let's just forget the conversation. 1509 01:25:57,902 --> 01:26:01,363 Awards! They do nothing but give out awards! I can't believe it. 1510 01:26:01,531 --> 01:26:04,324 Greatest fascist dictator - Adolf Hitler. 1511 01:26:10,623 --> 01:26:12,708 (engine wheezes) 1512 01:26:26,598 --> 01:26:28,682 (police siren) 1513 01:26:33,938 --> 01:26:39,067 I know what you're gonna say. I'm not a great driver. I have some problems with... 1514 01:26:39,235 --> 01:26:41,236 Can I see your licence, please? 1515 01:26:41,404 --> 01:26:44,031 Just don't get angry or anything, cos I... 1516 01:26:44,199 --> 01:26:46,200 I have my licence here. 1517 01:26:46,367 --> 01:26:48,368 It's a rented car and I... I... 1518 01:26:48,536 --> 01:26:49,494 Here. 1519 01:26:49,662 --> 01:26:51,580 Don't give me your life... 1520 01:26:51,748 --> 01:26:52,706 ...story. 1521 01:26:52,874 --> 01:26:54,875 Just pick up the licence. 1522 01:26:55,043 --> 01:26:59,421 You have to ask nicely cos I've had an extremely rough day. My girlfriend... 1523 01:26:59,589 --> 01:27:01,757 Just give me the licence, please. 1524 01:27:03,092 --> 01:27:06,345 Since you put it that way, it's hard for me to refuse. 1525 01:27:06,512 --> 01:27:09,139 I have a terrific problem with authority. 1526 01:27:09,307 --> 01:27:12,184 It's not your fault. Don't take it personal. 1527 01:27:20,109 --> 01:27:22,194 So long, fellas. Keep in touch. 1528 01:27:31,871 --> 01:27:35,791 Imagine my surprise when I got your call, Max. 1529 01:27:35,959 --> 01:27:39,211 Yeah. I had the feeling that I got you at a bad moment. 1530 01:27:39,379 --> 01:27:41,588 I heard high-pitched squealing. 1531 01:27:41,756 --> 01:27:43,757 Twins, Max. 1532 01:27:43,925 --> 01:27:46,176 16-year-olds. 1533 01:27:47,470 --> 01:27:50,973 Can you imagine the mathematical possibilities of that? 1534 01:27:51,140 --> 01:27:55,143 You're an actor, Max. You should be doing Shakespeare in the Park. 1535 01:27:55,311 --> 01:27:58,188 I did Shakespeare in the Park, Max. I got mugged. 1536 01:27:58,356 --> 01:28:03,068 I was playing Richard II, and two guys with leatherjackets stole my leotard. 1537 01:28:07,532 --> 01:28:10,075 Max, are we driving through plutonium? 1538 01:28:10,868 --> 01:28:12,869 It keeps out the alpha rays, Max. 1539 01:28:13,037 --> 01:28:15,122 You don't get old. 1540 01:28:16,916 --> 01:28:20,127 You're a thinking person. How can you choose this lifestyle? 1541 01:28:20,295 --> 01:28:23,005 What is so incredibly great about New York? 1542 01:28:23,172 --> 01:28:26,133 It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice. 1543 01:28:26,301 --> 01:28:28,593 You didn't read it till I gave it to you. 1544 01:28:28,761 --> 01:28:31,013 You only give me books with "death" in the title. 1545 01:28:31,180 --> 01:28:34,975 - It's an important issue. - You are totally incapable of enjoying life. 1546 01:28:35,143 --> 01:28:37,602 You're like New York. You're an island. 1547 01:28:37,770 --> 01:28:41,481 OK. If that's all that we've been through together means to you... 1548 01:28:41,649 --> 01:28:45,152 ...I guess it's better if we just say goodbye, once and for all. 1549 01:28:45,320 --> 01:28:49,656 You know, it's funny, after all the serious talks and passionate moments... 1550 01:28:49,824 --> 01:28:53,744 ...that it ends here, in a health-food restaurant on Sunset Boulevard. 1551 01:28:53,911 --> 01:28:56,079 Goodbye, Sunny. 1552 01:28:56,247 --> 01:28:57,748 Wait. 1553 01:28:57,915 --> 01:29:00,000 I'm gonna go with you. 1554 01:29:01,085 --> 01:29:03,086 I love you. 1555 01:29:06,174 --> 01:29:08,508 What do you want? It was my first play. 1556 01:29:08,676 --> 01:29:12,929 You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art... 1557 01:29:13,097 --> 01:29:15,432 ...because it's real difficult in life. 1558 01:29:15,600 --> 01:29:19,686 Interestingly, however, I did run into Annie again. 1559 01:29:19,854 --> 01:29:22,481 It was on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. 1560 01:29:22,648 --> 01:29:26,026 She had moved back to New York. She was living in SoHo with some guy. 1561 01:29:26,194 --> 01:29:30,030 And when I met her, she was dragging him in to see The Sorrow and the Pity... 1562 01:29:30,198 --> 01:29:33,116 ...which I counted as a personal triumph. 1563 01:29:33,284 --> 01:29:36,286 Annie and I had lunch sometime after that and... 1564 01:29:36,454 --> 01:29:38,872 ...just kicked around old times. 1565 01:29:39,916 --> 01:29:45,837 (Annie) ♪ Just to have my arms 1566 01:29:46,172 --> 01:29:50,967 ♪ Around you 1567 01:29:52,136 --> 01:29:57,349 ♪ Still the thrill that it was 1568 01:29:57,517 --> 01:30:01,812 ♪ The day I found you 1569 01:30:01,979 --> 01:30:07,150 ♪ Seems like 1570 01:30:08,444 --> 01:30:14,491 ♪ Old times 1571 01:30:15,701 --> 01:30:22,791 ♪ Dinner dates and flowers 1572 01:30:22,959 --> 01:30:26,962 ♪ Old times 1573 01:30:27,130 --> 01:30:30,382 (Alvy) After that, it got pretty late and we both had to go. 1574 01:30:30,550 --> 01:30:35,011 But it was great seeing Annie again. I realised what a terrific person she was... 1575 01:30:35,179 --> 01:30:37,806 ...and how much fun it was just knowing her. 1576 01:30:37,974 --> 01:30:40,684 And I thought of that old joke, you know. 1577 01:30:40,852 --> 01:30:43,979 This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says... 1578 01:30:44,147 --> 01:30:47,941 ..."Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." 1579 01:30:48,109 --> 01:30:51,528 And the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" 1580 01:30:51,696 --> 01:30:54,739 And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." 1581 01:30:54,907 --> 01:30:59,327 Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. 1582 01:30:59,495 --> 01:31:04,458 You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and... 1583 01:31:04,625 --> 01:31:11,006 But I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs. 1584 01:31:11,841 --> 01:31:19,848 (Annie) ♪ You