2 00:02:45,254 --> 00:02:46,778 Come on, boys! 3 00:02:47,623 --> 00:02:51,616 The way you're lollygagging around here with them picks and them shovels... 4 00:02:52,061 --> 00:02:54,689 ...you'd think it was 120°... 5 00:02:55,297 --> 00:02:58,391 It cant' be more than 114. 6 00:03:01,604 --> 00:03:04,971 Dock that Chink a day's pay for napping on the job. 7 00:03:07,710 --> 00:03:12,409 Now, come on, boys, where's your spirit? I don't hear no singing. 8 00:03:13,115 --> 00:03:16,448 When you were slaves, you sang like birds. 9 00:03:17,086 --> 00:03:19,646 Go on. How about a good old nigger work song? 10 00:03:28,530 --> 00:03:32,796 "I get no kick from champagne. 11 00:03:35,771 --> 00:03:40,470 "Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all. 12 00:03:42,344 --> 00:03:45,905 "So tell me why should it be true... 13 00:03:47,983 --> 00:03:51,976 "... that I get a belt out of you? 14 00:03:55,691 --> 00:03:59,354 "Some get a kick from cocaine. " 15 00:04:03,198 --> 00:04:05,462 What the hell is that shit? 16 00:04:07,202 --> 00:04:11,070 I meant a song. A real song. 17 00:04:11,540 --> 00:04:12,700 Something like... 18 00:04:13,208 --> 00:04:17,838 "Swing low, sweet chariot... " 19 00:04:20,949 --> 00:04:22,780 Swing low? Sweet chariot? 20 00:04:23,152 --> 00:04:24,483 Don't know that one, huh? 21 00:04:26,355 --> 00:04:29,017 How about "De Camp Town Ladies"? 22 00:04:30,225 --> 00:04:32,716 "De Camp Town Ladies"? 23 00:04:36,065 --> 00:04:37,157 Ah, you know. 24 00:04:38,334 --> 00:04:42,964 "De Camp Town Ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah. 25 00:04:43,739 --> 00:04:47,505 "De Camp Town race track five miles long, all the doo-dah day! 26 00:04:48,077 --> 00:04:51,672 "Gonna run all night, gonna run all day. 27 00:04:51,980 --> 00:04:55,677 "Bet my money on the bobtailed nag, somebody bet on the bay!" 28 00:05:05,361 --> 00:05:09,195 What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here? 29 00:05:09,465 --> 00:05:12,093 I hired you people to try to get a little track laid... 30 00:05:12,434 --> 00:05:15,528 ...not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots! 31 00:05:16,004 --> 00:05:18,700 Sorry, Mr. Taggart. I, I guess we kind of got caught up. 32 00:05:19,007 --> 00:05:22,344 Dummy, the surveyors say they may have run into some quicksand up ahead. 33 00:05:22,444 --> 00:05:23,706 Better check it out. 34 00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:27,112 Okay, I'll send down a team of horses to check out the ground. 35 00:05:27,449 --> 00:05:32,113 Horses! We can't afford to lose any horses, you dummy! 36 00:05:32,721 --> 00:05:34,279 Send over a couple of niggers. 37 00:05:38,227 --> 00:05:39,785 You and you. 38 00:05:42,231 --> 00:05:45,462 Sir, he specifically requested two niggers... 39 00:05:46,668 --> 00:05:50,764 ...but to tell a family secret, my grandmother was Dutch. 40 00:05:51,306 --> 00:05:54,298 Get on that hand car and take it down to the end of that line! 41 00:05:54,643 --> 00:05:56,110 Just trying to help you out. 42 00:05:58,347 --> 00:06:00,611 I didn't know your grandma was Dutch! 43 00:06:04,486 --> 00:06:09,150 "Oh, de Camp Town Ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah. 44 00:06:09,992 --> 00:06:14,486 "Camp Town race track five miles long, oh, doo-dah day. 45 00:06:15,164 --> 00:06:18,827 "Going to run all night, going to run all day. 46 00:06:19,168 --> 00:06:23,002 "I waged my money on the bobtail nag, somebody bet on the bay!" 47 00:06:28,177 --> 00:06:29,166 Am I wrong... 48 00:06:30,546 --> 00:06:33,674 ...or is the world rising? 49 00:06:33,982 --> 00:06:37,349 I don't know, but whatever it is, I hate it. 50 00:06:41,089 --> 00:06:42,283 Let me ask you something. 51 00:06:43,192 --> 00:06:47,856 What is it that's not exactly water, and it's not exactly earth? 52 00:06:49,031 --> 00:06:50,396 Quicksand! 53 00:06:55,504 --> 00:06:58,473 Oh, shit, quicksand! 54 00:06:59,541 --> 00:07:01,099 Goddang, now we are in trouble! 55 00:07:01,844 --> 00:07:03,175 They're in trouble! 56 00:07:05,881 --> 00:07:07,246 Get your rope there. Get over there quick. 57 00:07:21,497 --> 00:07:23,021 Dang, that was lucky. 58 00:07:23,499 --> 00:07:26,491 Doggone near lost a $400 hand cart. 59 00:07:33,408 --> 00:07:38,038 Yeah, we can take it right off to the, just a little bit to the left of that hill. 60 00:07:38,914 --> 00:07:41,906 But we're going to die, Bart. They're going to leave us here to die! 61 00:07:42,751 --> 00:07:46,152 Take it easy, Charlie. My foot is on the rail. 62 00:07:52,261 --> 00:07:55,162 Then maybe down that canyon. I think it's pretty level off there. 63 00:07:55,898 --> 00:07:58,867 We can't swing back to the right 'cause of that hill there. 64 00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:01,431 That looks like the way we'll have to go from here. 65 00:08:02,371 --> 00:08:05,431 Yes, we'll put her right down through there over that ridge. 66 00:08:10,779 --> 00:08:12,576 Well, boys, the break is over. 67 00:08:12,915 --> 00:08:15,179 Don't just lay there getting a suntan. 68 00:08:15,551 --> 00:08:17,542 Won't do you any good, anyhow! 69 00:08:19,621 --> 00:08:21,953 Take that shovel and put her to some good use! 70 00:08:30,732 --> 00:08:31,391 What? 71 00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:33,034 Don't do that now! 72 00:08:36,405 --> 00:08:37,337 I have to. 73 00:08:37,639 --> 00:08:41,473 Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said... OW! 74 00:08:42,811 --> 00:08:47,475 Send wire, main office, tell them I said, "Ow". Gotcha. 75 00:08:54,623 --> 00:08:58,059 And right here, Mr. Lamarr, is where we ran into quicksand. 76 00:08:58,860 --> 00:09:00,418 Quicksand. Splendid. 77 00:09:01,496 --> 00:09:04,488 And so the railroad has got to go through Rock Ridge. 78 00:09:04,833 --> 00:09:06,994 Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge. Splendid. 79 00:09:07,803 --> 00:09:08,997 Yes, sir. Yes, sir. 80 00:09:09,371 --> 00:09:11,430 Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge. 81 00:09:11,773 --> 00:09:13,240 Be still, Taggart. Be still. 82 00:09:14,176 --> 00:09:18,510 My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought... 83 00:09:18,847 --> 00:09:22,010 ...careening through a cosmic vapor of invention. 84 00:09:22,351 --> 00:09:23,010 Ditto! 85 00:09:25,787 --> 00:09:29,780 Ditto? Ditto, you provincial putz! 86 00:09:30,626 --> 00:09:31,615 I'm sorry, sir. 87 00:09:32,361 --> 00:09:34,829 A plan. We need a plan. 88 00:09:35,831 --> 00:09:37,458 What in the hell was that? 89 00:09:45,407 --> 00:09:47,034 We can't hear ourselves think! 90 00:09:50,846 --> 00:09:55,510 Sorry, your Worship, but I've got two men home sick with the flu... 91 00:09:55,851 --> 00:09:58,120 ...and it's utter chaos down here. 92 00:09:58,220 --> 00:10:00,518 I'll try to keep it as quiet as possible. 93 00:10:01,223 --> 00:10:02,850 But as you can see... 94 00:10:05,727 --> 00:10:07,718 ...this one is a doozey. 95 00:10:09,931 --> 00:10:13,298 Yes, the Doctor Gillespie killings. Well, do your best. 96 00:10:18,373 --> 00:10:19,897 Now, let's see. Where were we? 97 00:10:20,242 --> 00:10:21,209 Rock Ridge. 98 00:10:23,145 --> 00:10:26,512 Yes, when that railroad goes through Rock Ridge... 99 00:10:26,848 --> 00:10:30,011 ...that land will be worth millions, and I want it! 100 00:10:30,886 --> 00:10:35,152 I want that land so badly, I can taste it. 101 00:10:37,926 --> 00:10:39,860 There must be a way. 102 00:10:41,997 --> 00:10:43,191 Clumsy fool! 103 00:10:44,299 --> 00:10:47,393 Wait a minute! There might be a legal precedent. 104 00:10:47,836 --> 00:10:52,207 Of course! Land-snatching! 105 00:10:52,307 --> 00:10:55,470 Land. La-land. "See 'Snatch'." 106 00:10:58,513 --> 00:11:02,472 Haley vs. United States. Haley, seven. United States, nothing. 107 00:11:02,818 --> 00:11:05,548 You see, it can be done. It can be done. 108 00:11:06,321 --> 00:11:10,314 Unfortunately, there is one thing that stands between me and that property. 109 00:11:10,659 --> 00:11:11,990 The rightful owners. 110 00:11:12,427 --> 00:11:15,597 There must be some way of scaring them off, driving them out. 111 00:11:15,697 --> 00:11:18,257 Getting rid of every human being alive in that... 112 00:11:19,668 --> 00:11:21,158 It's down the hall and to the left. 113 00:11:22,904 --> 00:11:23,768 I've got it! 114 00:11:24,072 --> 00:11:24,834 What? What? 115 00:11:25,340 --> 00:11:28,070 I know how we can run everybody out of Rock Ridge. 116 00:11:28,577 --> 00:11:32,013 We'll kill the first-born male child in every household! 117 00:11:33,949 --> 00:11:35,280 Too Jewish. 118 00:11:40,589 --> 00:11:42,682 We'll work up a Number Six on them! 119 00:11:42,791 --> 00:11:44,486 I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one. 120 00:11:44,593 --> 00:11:46,857 That's where we go riding into town... 121 00:11:47,195 --> 00:11:49,026 ...and a-whapping and a-whooping every living thing... 122 00:11:49,131 --> 00:11:51,861 ...that moves within an inch of its life! 123 00:11:52,601 --> 00:11:54,034 Except the women folks, of course. 124 00:11:54,369 --> 00:11:55,358 You spare the women? 125 00:11:55,704 --> 00:11:59,697 No, we rape the shit out of them at the Number Six dance later on! 126 00:12:00,041 --> 00:12:02,202 That's marvelous! That's so creative! 127 00:12:03,545 --> 00:12:05,103 Why, Taggart, you've been hurt! 128 00:12:05,447 --> 00:12:08,541 That uppity nigger hit me on the head with a shovel. 129 00:12:10,085 --> 00:12:13,282 I'd sure appreciate it, sir, if you could find it in your heart... 130 00:12:13,622 --> 00:12:16,614 ...to hang him up by his neck until he was dead. 131 00:12:16,958 --> 00:12:18,448 Got him locked up downstairs. 132 00:12:18,794 --> 00:12:20,955 Consider it done, stout fellow. 133 00:12:29,571 --> 00:12:31,596 I've got a special. When can you work him in? 134 00:12:31,973 --> 00:12:36,307 I couldn't possibly fit him in until Monday, sir. I'm booked solid. 135 00:12:36,645 --> 00:12:38,135 Monday. Splendid. 136 00:12:44,186 --> 00:12:46,848 Thank you, sir. And don't you worry. 137 00:12:47,255 --> 00:12:50,691 We'll make Rock Ridge think it's a chicken... 138 00:12:50,859 --> 00:12:53,623 ...that got caught in a tractor's nuts! 139 00:12:58,433 --> 00:13:02,301 It's all right, Taggart. Just a man and a horse being hung out there. 140 00:13:09,010 --> 00:13:12,104 "There was a peaceful town called Rock Ridge, 141 00:13:13,682 --> 00:13:16,446 "... where people lived in harmony. 142 00:13:18,453 --> 00:13:21,513 "They never had no kind of trouble. 143 00:13:23,291 --> 00:13:26,021 "There was no hint of misery. 144 00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:34,801 "The town saloon was always lively... 145 00:13:36,338 --> 00:13:38,806 "... but never nasty or obscene. 146 00:13:40,475 --> 00:13:42,807 "Behind the bar stood Anal Johnson. 147 00:13:44,379 --> 00:13:46,370 "He always kept things nice and clean! 148 00:13:49,818 --> 00:13:51,581 "And all at once the trouble started. 149 00:13:52,754 --> 00:13:54,745 "A pack of murderers and thieves... 150 00:13:55,891 --> 00:13:57,882 "... like swarms of locusts they descended... 151 00:13:59,027 --> 00:14:01,018 "... their aim to make the townsfolk flee. " 152 00:14:29,891 --> 00:14:31,381 Well, that's the end of this suit! 153 00:14:39,868 --> 00:14:42,803 Have you ever seen such cruelty? 154 00:14:46,207 --> 00:14:50,200 "Now is a time of great decision. 155 00:14:52,881 --> 00:14:56,874 "Are we to stay or up and quit? 156 00:14:59,754 --> 00:15:03,747 "There's no avoiding this conclusion. 157 00:15:07,228 --> 00:15:11,221 "Our town is turning into shit!" 158 00:15:20,141 --> 00:15:22,132 Well, I don't have to tell you good folks... 159 00:15:22,911 --> 00:15:25,744 ...what has been happening here in our beloved town. 160 00:15:27,148 --> 00:15:30,914 Sheriff murdered, crops burned... 161 00:15:31,419 --> 00:15:34,946 ...stores looted, people stampeded... 162 00:15:35,323 --> 00:15:37,086 ...and cattle raped! 163 00:15:39,327 --> 00:15:43,991 Now the time has come to act. And act fast! 164 00:15:47,335 --> 00:15:48,427 I'm leaving. 165 00:15:49,104 --> 00:15:53,768 You get back here, you old pious, candy-ass sidewinder! 166 00:15:54,509 --> 00:15:58,172 There ain't no way that nobody is going to leave this town! 167 00:15:59,981 --> 00:16:03,610 Hell, I was born here and I was raised here... 168 00:16:03,952 --> 00:16:06,216 ...and goddamn it, I'm going to die here! 169 00:16:06,554 --> 00:16:10,149 And no sidewinder, bushwhacking, hornswoggling... 170 00:16:10,492 --> 00:16:14,792 ...cracker croaker, is going to ruin my biscuit-cutter! 171 00:16:21,503 --> 00:16:23,403 Now who can argue with that? 172 00:16:27,008 --> 00:16:29,306 I think we're all indebted to Gabby Johnson... 173 00:16:29,711 --> 00:16:32,544 ...for clearly stating what needed to be said. 174 00:16:33,481 --> 00:16:35,574 I'm particularly glad that these lovely children... 175 00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:37,411 ...were here today to hear that speech. 176 00:16:38,053 --> 00:16:41,216 Not only was it authentic frontier gibberish... 177 00:16:41,990 --> 00:16:45,323 ...it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age! 178 00:16:47,228 --> 00:16:48,661 What are we made of? 179 00:16:49,898 --> 00:16:52,196 Our fathers came across the prairie... 180 00:16:52,667 --> 00:16:56,330 ...fought Indians, fought drought, fought locusts, fought Dix! 181 00:16:56,671 --> 00:17:00,334 Remember when Richard Dix came in here and tried to take over this town? 182 00:17:01,342 --> 00:17:03,003 Well, we didn't give up then... 183 00:17:03,411 --> 00:17:07,609 ...and by gum, we're not going to give up now! 184 00:17:13,354 --> 00:17:14,514 Olson Johnson is right! 185 00:17:15,423 --> 00:17:20,087 What kind of people are we, anyhow? I say we stay and fight it out! 186 00:17:21,629 --> 00:17:25,895 Dr. Samuel Johnson is right about Olson Johnson's being right. 187 00:17:26,234 --> 00:17:28,134 And I'm not giving up my ice cream parlor... 188 00:17:28,236 --> 00:17:30,898 ...that I built with these two hands for nothing or nobody! 189 00:17:32,574 --> 00:17:34,201 Howard Johnson is right! 190 00:17:37,912 --> 00:17:42,576 Well, if we're going to stay, and I think it's a big mistake... 191 00:17:44,152 --> 00:17:48,054 ...we're going to need a new sheriff. Now, who is it going to be? 192 00:17:49,124 --> 00:17:52,252 Why don't we wire the governor to send us a sheriff? 193 00:17:52,594 --> 00:17:54,824 Why should we get our own men killed? 194 00:17:55,296 --> 00:17:58,732 Howard Johnson is right. We'll wire the governor. 195 00:18:00,168 --> 00:18:04,468 Then let us pray for the deliverance of our new sheriff. 196 00:18:05,140 --> 00:18:07,506 Will the congregation please rise? 197 00:18:09,177 --> 00:18:13,841 I shall now read from the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke... 198 00:18:16,417 --> 00:18:17,406 ...and duck! 199 00:18:27,662 --> 00:18:29,653 We've got to do something at once! 200 00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:34,897 Governor, may I disturb you for a moment, sir? 201 00:18:35,470 --> 00:18:39,236 If you will just sign this, governor. Right here. 202 00:18:39,641 --> 00:18:40,972 Yes, what the hell is it? 203 00:18:41,309 --> 00:18:42,644 Well, under the provisions of this bill... 204 00:18:42,744 --> 00:18:45,975 ...we would snatch 200,000 acres of Indian territory... 205 00:18:46,381 --> 00:18:48,316 ...which we have deemed unsafe for their use at this time. 206 00:18:48,416 --> 00:18:50,384 They're such children. 207 00:18:50,685 --> 00:18:53,221 200,000 acres! 200,000 acres! 208 00:18:53,321 --> 00:18:55,380 What will it cost, man? What will it cost? 209 00:18:57,492 --> 00:18:59,153 A box of these. 210 00:18:59,627 --> 00:19:02,494 Are you crazy? They'll never go for it, and then again they might. 211 00:19:02,830 --> 00:19:05,424 The little red devils, they love toys. May I try one? 212 00:19:08,670 --> 00:19:09,932 These things are defective. 213 00:19:13,508 --> 00:19:14,941 Right as usual, sir. 214 00:19:16,010 --> 00:19:16,942 Show-off! 215 00:19:17,278 --> 00:19:19,337 Just sign this, sir. Right here. 216 00:19:19,681 --> 00:19:21,148 Okay, give us a hand here. 217 00:19:22,283 --> 00:19:23,341 Work, work, work. 218 00:19:25,153 --> 00:19:27,519 Hello, boys, have a good night's rest? I missed you. 219 00:19:27,855 --> 00:19:30,346 Just one more bill for you to sign, sir. 220 00:19:30,692 --> 00:19:31,681 What is this? 221 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,360 This is the bill that will convert the State Hospital for the Insane... 222 00:19:34,696 --> 00:19:38,132 ...into the William J. Le Petomane Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane. 223 00:19:38,466 --> 00:19:39,296 Gentlemen, this... 224 00:19:39,634 --> 00:19:41,903 ...this bill will be a giant step forward... 225 00:19:42,003 --> 00:19:44,301 ...in the treatment of the insane gambler. 226 00:19:44,806 --> 00:19:46,296 Yes, bravo! Beautiful. 227 00:19:49,577 --> 00:19:50,805 Thank you, Hedy. Thank you. 228 00:19:51,145 --> 00:19:54,137 It's not Hedy. It's Hedley. Hedley Lamarr. 229 00:19:54,482 --> 00:19:56,751 What the hell are you worried about? 230 00:19:56,851 --> 00:19:59,149 This is 1874. You'll be able to sue her. 231 00:20:11,032 --> 00:20:12,363 All right, help me in with this. 232 00:20:13,701 --> 00:20:15,032 Just, ah, think of your secretary. 233 00:20:15,536 --> 00:20:17,367 Ah, that was a very good suggestion. 234 00:20:18,740 --> 00:20:21,174 Okay, is that it? Anything else? 235 00:20:21,576 --> 00:20:23,737 Just this urgent telegram from Rock Ridge. 236 00:20:24,212 --> 00:20:25,338 It arrived last Friday. 237 00:20:26,781 --> 00:20:27,839 Read it, read it. 238 00:20:29,117 --> 00:20:33,281 "Sheriff murdered. Church meeting bombed. Reign of terror must cease. 239 00:20:33,755 --> 00:20:35,222 "Send new sheriff immediately. " 240 00:20:35,690 --> 00:20:37,021 Holy underwear! 241 00:20:37,925 --> 00:20:40,917 Sheriff murdered. Innocent women and children blown to bits! 242 00:20:41,729 --> 00:20:43,665 We've got to protect our phony-baloney jobs, gentlemen. 243 00:20:43,765 --> 00:20:47,394 We must do something about this immediately, immediately, immediately! 244 00:20:50,571 --> 00:20:51,936 I didn't get a "hrumph" out of that guy! 245 00:20:52,273 --> 00:20:53,433 Give the governor a "hrumph. " 246 00:20:54,609 --> 00:20:55,701 You watch your ass. 247 00:20:56,311 --> 00:20:58,279 Gentlemen, please, rest your sphincters. 248 00:20:58,613 --> 00:20:59,443 Well put. 249 00:21:00,615 --> 00:21:02,776 As Attorney General, I can assure you... 250 00:21:03,051 --> 00:21:06,578 ...that a suitable sheriff will be found to restore the peace in Rock Ridge. 251 00:21:06,921 --> 00:21:08,252 Meeting is adjourned. 252 00:21:08,589 --> 00:21:11,956 Oh, I am sorry, sir. I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that. 253 00:21:12,293 --> 00:21:12,952 What? 254 00:21:13,294 --> 00:21:14,124 - Meeting is adjourned. - It is? 255 00:21:14,829 --> 00:21:16,160 No. You say that, governor. 256 00:21:16,531 --> 00:21:17,799 - What? - Meeting is adjourned. 257 00:21:17,899 --> 00:21:18,558 It is? 258 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,792 Here, play around with this for a while. They are sweeping the country. 259 00:21:23,304 --> 00:21:24,999 Why don't you give these out to some of the boys... 260 00:21:25,273 --> 00:21:27,036 ...in lieu of pay? Here you go. 261 00:21:29,444 --> 00:21:31,969 And one for Miss Stein, my beloved secretary. 262 00:21:32,313 --> 00:21:35,407 Play with these, boys, in lieu of the other things. 263 00:21:36,951 --> 00:21:38,475 This friggin' thing is warped. 264 00:21:40,555 --> 00:21:42,420 Why do I always get a warped one? 265 00:21:45,593 --> 00:21:49,996 A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want. 266 00:21:51,766 --> 00:21:56,430 Wait a minute. Maybe I could turn this thing to my advantage. 267 00:21:57,438 --> 00:22:02,102 If I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge... 268 00:22:02,510 --> 00:22:05,502 ...that his very appearance would drive them out of town... 269 00:22:08,216 --> 00:22:09,843 But where would I find such a man? 270 00:22:11,352 --> 00:22:12,512 Why am I asking you? 271 00:22:22,630 --> 00:22:26,327 Welcome to Hanging House. Not to worry... 272 00:22:26,868 --> 00:22:28,995 ...everyone is equal in my eye. 273 00:22:47,054 --> 00:22:48,749 Oh, not my ear! 274 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:53,692 Governor! 275 00:22:56,130 --> 00:22:57,324 Official business, sir. 276 00:22:57,698 --> 00:22:58,858 Is it important? 277 00:22:59,333 --> 00:23:00,664 It's very crucial. 278 00:23:02,003 --> 00:23:02,992 Be with you in a minute. 279 00:23:03,905 --> 00:23:05,896 Throw something on and stay in that position. 280 00:23:08,509 --> 00:23:12,502 Forgive me, I was just, ah, walking the parapet, taking a look around. 281 00:23:12,847 --> 00:23:13,711 What can I do for you? 282 00:23:14,048 --> 00:23:15,379 Governor, as per your instructions... 283 00:23:15,483 --> 00:23:18,145 ...I'd like you to meet the new sheriff of Rock Ridge. 284 00:23:18,853 --> 00:23:20,377 I'd be delighted... Wow! 285 00:23:21,789 --> 00:23:23,725 I've got to talk to you. Come here. Have you gone berserk? 286 00:23:23,825 --> 00:23:26,487 Can't you see that man is a nig... 287 00:23:30,264 --> 00:23:33,062 Wrong person. Forgive me. No offense intended. 288 00:23:34,802 --> 00:23:38,169 Have you gone berserk? Can't you see that man is a nig? 289 00:23:38,673 --> 00:23:39,970 Don't worry, sir. 290 00:23:40,408 --> 00:23:42,543 Now, Hedley, I've always trusted your judgment before... 291 00:23:42,643 --> 00:23:44,873 ...but haven't you taken a giant leap away from your good senses? 292 00:23:44,979 --> 00:23:47,277 Please, don't fly off the handle, sir. 293 00:23:47,448 --> 00:23:49,780 I'm about to make you an historic figure. 294 00:23:50,751 --> 00:23:53,083 Maybe even get you a cabinet post. 295 00:23:53,421 --> 00:23:54,615 A cabinet post! 296 00:23:55,256 --> 00:23:56,120 Did you say that? 297 00:23:56,958 --> 00:23:57,788 Wonderful! 298 00:23:58,125 --> 00:24:02,323 Yes, the first man ever to appoint a black sheriff! Just think, sir... 299 00:24:02,797 --> 00:24:03,991 ...Washington, Jefferson... 300 00:24:04,298 --> 00:24:04,957 ...Lincoln. 301 00:24:05,299 --> 00:24:06,391 Le Petomane! 302 00:24:07,502 --> 00:24:09,732 Sir, you have the seeds of greatness in you. 303 00:24:10,238 --> 00:24:13,139 Nurse them, caress them, pour water on them. 304 00:24:13,774 --> 00:24:15,833 Don't short-change yourself, sir. 305 00:24:16,577 --> 00:24:19,740 It will never work. They'll kill him dead in one day! 306 00:24:20,081 --> 00:24:24,313 One day is all we'll need to secure your name in the annals of Western history. 307 00:24:24,652 --> 00:24:27,212 And to get for you a nomination for, dare I say...? 308 00:24:27,655 --> 00:24:28,451 Dare, dare! 309 00:24:28,789 --> 00:24:29,813 The Presidency! 310 00:24:30,925 --> 00:24:33,291 Hail to the Chief! Hail to the Chief! 311 00:24:42,103 --> 00:24:44,264 "Four score and seven years ago... 312 00:24:44,605 --> 00:24:47,733 "... our forefathers brought forth on this... " 313 00:24:48,175 --> 00:24:49,164 Are you coming back? 314 00:24:49,510 --> 00:24:50,340 In a moment, dear. 315 00:24:51,112 --> 00:24:55,776 Gentlemen, affairs of state must take precedent over the affairs of state. 316 00:24:56,551 --> 00:24:58,018 Yes, of course, sir, we understand. 317 00:24:58,753 --> 00:24:59,845 Will you make all the arrangements? 318 00:25:00,187 --> 00:25:01,518 I will make all the arrangements. 319 00:25:01,789 --> 00:25:03,188 Especially the funeral. 320 00:25:05,059 --> 00:25:09,325 Good luck, good luck, boys. Wonderful working with you. Good luck! 321 00:26:14,428 --> 00:26:17,591 Hurry up, get those flags up. He'll be here soon. 322 00:26:18,966 --> 00:26:21,400 I just got a telegram from the governor's office. 323 00:26:21,669 --> 00:26:23,330 The sheriff will be here at noon! 324 00:26:24,071 --> 00:26:27,563 Noon! I'd better rehearse my speech! 325 00:26:29,644 --> 00:26:32,977 "As Honorary Chairman of the Welcoming Committee... 326 00:26:33,347 --> 00:26:37,977 "... it is my privilege to extend to you a laurel and hearty handshake!" 327 00:26:39,987 --> 00:26:40,715 Wonderful! 328 00:26:41,055 --> 00:26:41,885 Excellent! 329 00:26:42,890 --> 00:26:44,221 Can you see him yet? 330 00:26:49,497 --> 00:26:50,486 The sheriff is coming! 331 00:26:51,966 --> 00:26:54,059 Ring out the church bell! 332 00:27:10,251 --> 00:27:13,084 Hey, the sheriff is a n... 333 00:27:14,288 --> 00:27:15,152 What did he say? 334 00:27:15,489 --> 00:27:16,956 The sheriff is near! 335 00:27:17,591 --> 00:27:22,028 No, no, dag blame it, gol darn it, the sheriff is a n... 336 00:27:43,617 --> 00:27:46,415 As Chairman of the Welcoming Committee... 337 00:27:46,721 --> 00:27:51,420 ...it is my privilege to extend a laurel and hearty handshake to our new... 338 00:27:55,796 --> 00:27:56,524 ...nigger. 339 00:28:25,793 --> 00:28:28,284 Excuse me while I whip this out. 340 00:28:34,034 --> 00:28:36,696 "By the power vested in me by... 341 00:28:36,971 --> 00:28:40,304 "... the Honorable William J. Le Petomane... 342 00:28:46,247 --> 00:28:47,475 "... I hereby assume the duties... 343 00:28:47,648 --> 00:28:50,913 "... of the Office of Sheriff in and for the Township of Rock Ridge. " 344 00:28:51,952 --> 00:28:54,580 Gentlemen, let us not allow anger to rule the day. 345 00:28:55,055 --> 00:28:57,546 As your spiritual leader, I implore you... 346 00:28:57,892 --> 00:29:00,258 ...to pay heed to this good book and what it has to say. 347 00:29:03,631 --> 00:29:06,429 Son, you're on your own! 348 00:29:11,405 --> 00:29:12,133 Hold it! 349 00:29:12,973 --> 00:29:15,635 The next man makes a move, the nigger gets it! 350 00:29:20,281 --> 00:29:22,943 Hold it, men. He's not bluffing. 351 00:29:23,284 --> 00:29:26,151 Listen to him, men. He's just crazy enough to do it. 352 00:29:26,487 --> 00:29:29,854 Drop it! Or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head all over this town! 353 00:29:31,525 --> 00:29:36,224 Oh, Lordy, Lord, he's desperate! Do what he say! Do what he say! 354 00:29:53,447 --> 00:29:56,007 Isn't anybody going to help that poor man? 355 00:29:56,483 --> 00:29:58,974 Hush, Harriet. That's a sure way to get him killed. 356 00:30:00,754 --> 00:30:01,880 Help me, help me... 357 00:30:03,190 --> 00:30:04,555 ...somebody help me! 358 00:30:07,228 --> 00:30:07,887 Shut up! 359 00:30:12,299 --> 00:30:16,793 Oh, baby, you are so talented. 360 00:30:17,338 --> 00:30:19,499 And they are so dumb! 361 00:30:28,015 --> 00:30:29,004 Goddamn it! 362 00:30:29,350 --> 00:30:30,578 I said, "Order"! 363 00:30:31,919 --> 00:30:36,583 You know, Nietzsche says, "Out of chaos comes order. " 364 00:30:37,191 --> 00:30:38,886 Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard! 365 00:30:41,829 --> 00:30:43,820 Now everyone be quiet... 366 00:30:44,698 --> 00:30:49,362 ...whilst we listen to Harriet van Johnson, our esteemed schoolmarm... 367 00:30:51,205 --> 00:30:55,869 ...as she reads a telegram that she herself has composed to the governor... 368 00:30:57,511 --> 00:31:02,175 ...expressing our feelings about the new sheriff. 369 00:31:10,257 --> 00:31:12,248 "To the Honorable William J. Le Petomane, Governor. " 370 00:31:12,593 --> 00:31:14,083 Louder! Speak up! We can't hear you! 371 00:31:16,130 --> 00:31:17,961 I'm not used to public speaking. 372 00:31:20,267 --> 00:31:24,931 "We, the white, God-fearing citizens of Rock Ridge... 373 00:31:26,273 --> 00:31:30,141 "... wish to express our extreme displeasure... 374 00:31:30,477 --> 00:31:32,468 "... with your choice of sheriff. 375 00:31:33,147 --> 00:31:36,082 "Please remove him immediately. 376 00:31:38,385 --> 00:31:41,718 "The fact that you have sent him here... " 377 00:31:42,556 --> 00:31:47,220 "... just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state. " 378 00:32:11,485 --> 00:32:13,953 The drunk in number two must be awake. 379 00:32:19,693 --> 00:32:21,126 Are we awake? 380 00:32:25,666 --> 00:32:27,156 We're not sure. 381 00:32:28,602 --> 00:32:30,900 Are we black? 382 00:32:31,305 --> 00:32:32,294 Yes, we are. 383 00:32:34,341 --> 00:32:38,471 Then we're awake. But we're very puzzled. 384 00:32:40,481 --> 00:32:43,279 I think I better straighten myself out. 385 00:32:46,820 --> 00:32:47,912 Need any help? 386 00:32:51,225 --> 00:32:52,556 All I can get. 387 00:33:04,872 --> 00:33:06,965 That's okay. Sit down over here. 388 00:33:18,218 --> 00:33:20,209 Hey, maybe you should eat something first. 389 00:33:20,754 --> 00:33:23,552 No, thanks. Food makes me sick. 390 00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:37,466 A man drinks like that and doesn't eat, he is going to die. 391 00:33:40,174 --> 00:33:40,970 When? 392 00:33:44,344 --> 00:33:45,208 What's your name? 393 00:33:45,779 --> 00:33:49,374 Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... 394 00:33:52,419 --> 00:33:53,181 ...Jim. 395 00:33:55,856 --> 00:33:59,792 Okay, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host... 396 00:34:00,127 --> 00:34:02,891 ...what is your pleasure? What do you like to do? 397 00:34:03,697 --> 00:34:06,359 Oh, I don't know. Play chess... 398 00:34:08,435 --> 00:34:09,493 ...screw. 399 00:34:10,871 --> 00:34:12,202 Well, let's play chess. 400 00:34:16,243 --> 00:34:17,005 Checkmate. 401 00:34:20,147 --> 00:34:20,909 Checkmate. 402 00:34:21,582 --> 00:34:24,016 Why, you devious son-of-a-bitch! 403 00:34:24,885 --> 00:34:26,011 Happy days! 404 00:34:35,796 --> 00:34:37,559 Man, why do you do that to yourself? 405 00:34:38,899 --> 00:34:41,060 Oh, you don't really want to know that. 406 00:34:41,635 --> 00:34:42,533 I do, I do! 407 00:34:43,070 --> 00:34:44,662 Well, if you must pry. 408 00:34:45,038 --> 00:34:46,164 I must, I must! 409 00:34:47,774 --> 00:34:50,436 I don't know if you ever heard of me before, but... 410 00:34:51,345 --> 00:34:55,543 ...I used to be called the Waco Kid. 411 00:34:57,117 --> 00:35:00,848 The Waco Kid. He had the fastest hands in the West! 412 00:35:02,623 --> 00:35:03,851 In the world! 413 00:35:04,958 --> 00:35:07,119 Well, if you're the Kid, then show me something. 414 00:35:08,862 --> 00:35:13,561 Maybe a couple of years ago I could have shown you something, but today... 415 00:35:16,103 --> 00:35:17,195 ...look at that. 416 00:35:17,571 --> 00:35:18,868 Steady as a rock. 417 00:35:19,473 --> 00:35:21,566 Yes, but I shoot with this hand. 418 00:35:22,609 --> 00:35:26,773 See, I knew you weren't the Waco Kid. You were just pulling my lariat. 419 00:35:42,996 --> 00:35:43,894 See that king? 420 00:35:45,699 --> 00:35:47,599 Put your hands on both sides of it. 421 00:35:51,605 --> 00:35:55,097 Now when I say, "go," you try to grab it first. 422 00:35:55,976 --> 00:35:58,911 Man, that's no contest. You're a mile away. 423 00:36:03,116 --> 00:36:07,610 Anyway, when you hear the word "go," you just try to grab it. 424 00:36:09,022 --> 00:36:09,681 Ready? 425 00:36:30,744 --> 00:36:32,075 You looking for this? 426 00:36:36,917 --> 00:36:41,217 Well, raise my rent! You are the Kid! 427 00:36:41,555 --> 00:36:44,581 Was. Yeah, I was the Kid. 428 00:36:47,527 --> 00:36:48,459 What happened? 429 00:36:49,896 --> 00:36:52,232 Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk... 430 00:36:52,332 --> 00:36:54,562 ...who thought he could shoot a gun... 431 00:36:54,801 --> 00:36:57,668 ...would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. 432 00:37:00,607 --> 00:37:03,906 I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. 433 00:37:05,312 --> 00:37:06,574 It got pretty gritty. 434 00:37:07,447 --> 00:37:10,109 I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. 435 00:37:13,053 --> 00:37:14,111 Then one day... 436 00:37:15,088 --> 00:37:19,752 ...I was just walking down the street and I heard a voice behind me say... 437 00:37:21,795 --> 00:37:25,492 ..."Reach for it, mister!" I spun around. 438 00:37:28,068 --> 00:37:30,263 And there I was face to face... 439 00:37:32,739 --> 00:37:35,401 ...with a 6-year-old kid! 440 00:37:39,846 --> 00:37:43,213 Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. 441 00:37:46,486 --> 00:37:49,319 The little bastard shot me in the ass! 442 00:37:52,225 --> 00:37:56,855 So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle... 443 00:37:59,466 --> 00:38:01,161 ...and I've been there ever since. 444 00:38:05,806 --> 00:38:06,534 Have a drink. 445 00:38:13,714 --> 00:38:18,378 Anyway, that's all ancient history. Now you tell me your story. 446 00:38:18,752 --> 00:38:23,018 What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this? 447 00:38:24,324 --> 00:38:25,655 If you really must pry. 448 00:38:26,660 --> 00:38:28,184 I must, I must! 449 00:38:33,033 --> 00:38:35,695 Well, back in '56... 450 00:38:36,169 --> 00:38:39,832 ...my folks and I were part of this long wagon train... 451 00:38:40,407 --> 00:38:41,396 ...moving West. 452 00:38:54,888 --> 00:38:57,220 Well, not exactly part of it. 453 00:38:58,191 --> 00:39:02,287 You might say we were bringing up the rear, when suddenly, 454 00:39:02,696 --> 00:39:06,257 ...from out of the West, came the entire Sioux Nation! 455 00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:10,536 And let me tell you, baby, they were open for business! 456 00:39:14,641 --> 00:39:18,441 Naturally, the white folks didn't let us travel in their circle... 457 00:39:18,912 --> 00:39:19,970 ...so we made our own. 458 00:39:56,616 --> 00:39:58,083 Shvartzes? 459 00:40:06,259 --> 00:40:09,023 Luzem gayen! 460 00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:15,631 Cop a walk. It's all right. 461 00:40:15,869 --> 00:40:16,699 Thank you. 462 00:40:18,805 --> 00:40:21,035 Abi gezunt. Take off. 463 00:40:29,616 --> 00:40:31,880 They're darker than us! 464 00:40:35,388 --> 00:40:37,652 And the rest is history. 465 00:40:39,493 --> 00:40:40,653 Impressed? 466 00:40:46,166 --> 00:40:49,033 Always like to keep my audience riveted. 467 00:41:42,956 --> 00:41:44,514 How about some more beans, Mr. Taggart? 468 00:41:44,858 --> 00:41:46,621 I'd say you've had enough! 469 00:41:50,597 --> 00:41:54,863 I understand there's a new sheriff in town. Who wants to kill him? 470 00:42:01,541 --> 00:42:04,942 Why don't we give him to Mongo? 471 00:42:08,815 --> 00:42:10,806 Holy shit, that's too cruel! 472 00:42:11,918 --> 00:42:15,081 I'll be danged! That is a unique idea! 473 00:42:23,296 --> 00:42:25,730 Down, boy, down, boy, down, Mongo! 474 00:42:26,499 --> 00:42:27,659 Hey, it's me. Taggart. 475 00:42:28,635 --> 00:42:29,829 Here, smell. Smell. 476 00:42:33,773 --> 00:42:35,604 That's a good Mongo. 477 00:42:36,943 --> 00:42:41,004 Hey, how about it? How would you like to mutilate that new sheriff? 478 00:42:46,519 --> 00:42:47,679 Have a cigar. 479 00:43:28,561 --> 00:43:30,688 Oh, by the way, I got a note this morning. 480 00:43:31,064 --> 00:43:31,894 From who? 481 00:43:32,232 --> 00:43:36,396 Well, I'm not sure. It was addressed to the Deputy Spade. 482 00:43:40,674 --> 00:43:43,507 Well, once I establish myself in this town... 483 00:43:43,843 --> 00:43:47,176 ...Deputy Spade might turn out to be a groovy position. 484 00:43:57,323 --> 00:44:00,349 Listen, Bart, I want you to do me a favor. 485 00:44:01,594 --> 00:44:03,528 I don't want you going out there this morning. 486 00:44:03,897 --> 00:44:06,161 You can't win these people over, no matter what you do. 487 00:44:06,533 --> 00:44:08,091 They're just not going to accept you. 488 00:44:18,778 --> 00:44:21,770 I'm glad those fingers ain't loaded! 489 00:44:25,452 --> 00:44:27,079 Just like old times. 490 00:44:31,391 --> 00:44:36,055 Like I told you, once you establish yourself, they've got to accept you. 491 00:44:37,564 --> 00:44:38,553 Catch you later. 492 00:44:43,603 --> 00:44:44,297 Good luck. 493 00:44:52,946 --> 00:44:53,935 Ah, good morning, ma'am. 494 00:44:55,815 --> 00:44:57,806 And isn't it a lovely morning? 495 00:44:58,651 --> 00:45:00,084 Up yours, nigger! 496 00:45:04,758 --> 00:45:07,818 What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny. " 497 00:45:09,095 --> 00:45:10,494 "Make yourself at home. " 498 00:45:11,998 --> 00:45:16,662 "Marry my daughter. " You've got to remember these are just simple farmers. 499 00:45:18,004 --> 00:45:20,336 These are people of the land. 500 00:45:21,341 --> 00:45:24,572 The common clay of the new West. 501 00:45:26,312 --> 00:45:27,336 You know. 502 00:45:29,516 --> 00:45:30,505 Morons! 503 00:45:34,988 --> 00:45:36,319 What the hell is that? 504 00:45:51,704 --> 00:45:54,696 Mongo! Santa María! 505 00:45:57,110 --> 00:45:59,010 I believe in it. And if any one of you... 506 00:45:59,179 --> 00:46:00,771 ...friends and neighbors, kind of gather around and... 507 00:46:01,381 --> 00:46:03,315 Holy shit! 508 00:46:08,488 --> 00:46:13,187 And they say that now in Paris, France, even as we speak... 509 00:46:14,194 --> 00:46:17,527 ...Louis Pasteur has devised a new vaccine... 510 00:46:17,697 --> 00:46:20,530 ...that will obliterate anthrax once and for all. 511 00:46:26,339 --> 00:46:28,705 Hey, you can't park that animal over there! 512 00:46:29,075 --> 00:46:30,167 It's illegal. 513 00:46:37,917 --> 00:46:42,411 Think of it, gentlemen. Hoof-and- mouth disease a thing of the past! 514 00:46:43,223 --> 00:46:46,659 Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo! 515 00:46:52,932 --> 00:46:54,263 I don't know what it is. 516 00:47:01,407 --> 00:47:03,343 Sheriff, Mongo's back! He's breaking up the whole town! 517 00:47:03,443 --> 00:47:05,311 You've got to help us, please! 518 00:47:05,411 --> 00:47:07,709 Did you hear that? Now it's "please. " 519 00:47:08,047 --> 00:47:12,507 This morning I couldn't get the time of day. Who is this Mongo, anyway? 520 00:47:12,852 --> 00:47:15,878 Well, Mongo ain't exactly a "who. " He's more of a "what. " 521 00:47:16,356 --> 00:47:17,254 What he said. 522 00:47:17,590 --> 00:47:18,682 Well, I don't know... 523 00:47:19,259 --> 00:47:21,557 Oh, thank you very much! 524 00:47:23,796 --> 00:47:25,024 The fool's going to... 525 00:47:25,932 --> 00:47:27,866 I mean, the sheriff's going to do it. 526 00:47:33,873 --> 00:47:38,139 No, no, don't do that! If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad. 527 00:47:49,589 --> 00:47:50,920 Candygram for Mongo! 528 00:48:04,237 --> 00:48:04,896 Me, Mongo. 529 00:48:05,338 --> 00:48:06,498 Sign, please. 530 00:48:17,450 --> 00:48:19,077 Mongo like candy. 531 00:48:26,259 --> 00:48:28,250 A little further down, to the right. 532 00:48:29,028 --> 00:48:31,564 I thought sure that Mongo would mash him up... 533 00:48:31,664 --> 00:48:33,655 ...into little bitty sheriff meatballs. 534 00:48:34,367 --> 00:48:35,766 I just don't understand it. 535 00:48:36,102 --> 00:48:37,262 Be still, Taggart. 536 00:48:38,304 --> 00:48:40,932 My mind is a raging torrent... 537 00:48:41,274 --> 00:48:43,174 ...flooded with rivulets of thought... 538 00:48:43,276 --> 00:48:46,609 ...cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives. 539 00:48:47,947 --> 00:48:50,040 Gol darn it, Mr. Lamarr... 540 00:48:50,416 --> 00:48:53,817 ...you use your tongue prettier than a $20 whore. 541 00:48:59,092 --> 00:49:01,754 Wait a minute, that's it! 542 00:49:03,896 --> 00:49:05,193 And it will work! 543 00:49:05,565 --> 00:49:08,056 You bet it will! What will work? 544 00:49:08,501 --> 00:49:09,991 Elementary, cactus-head! 545 00:49:10,336 --> 00:49:11,667 The beast has failed. 546 00:49:11,804 --> 00:49:14,671 And when the beast fails, it's time to call in beauty. 547 00:49:16,976 --> 00:49:17,635 Beauty? 548 00:49:20,079 --> 00:49:23,310 She's never failed me before. She'll turn him into jelly! 549 00:49:23,649 --> 00:49:25,640 She'll bring him to his knees! 550 00:49:28,187 --> 00:49:31,122 Where's my froggie? Where's my froggie? 551 00:49:31,457 --> 00:49:33,584 I don't know. I didn't see it when I came in. 552 00:49:33,926 --> 00:49:35,450 Damn your eyes, look for it! 553 00:49:43,536 --> 00:49:44,468 Oh, there it is. 554 00:49:50,243 --> 00:49:54,942 That was a close one! Daddy loves Froggie. Froggie love Daddy? 555 00:50:05,124 --> 00:50:06,682 I don't know how you did it. 556 00:50:07,193 --> 00:50:08,490 He was nothing. 557 00:50:08,828 --> 00:50:11,331 The bitch was inventing the candygram. 558 00:50:11,431 --> 00:50:13,922 They probably won't give me credit for it. 559 00:50:23,242 --> 00:50:24,709 Good evening, sheriff. 560 00:50:25,044 --> 00:50:27,478 Sorry about the "Up yours, nigger. " 561 00:50:27,780 --> 00:50:31,546 I hope this apple pie will in some small way say thank you for your... 562 00:50:31,884 --> 00:50:35,547 ...ingenuity and courage in defeating that horrible Mongo. 563 00:50:36,055 --> 00:50:38,546 Thank you. Much obliged. Good night. 564 00:50:48,734 --> 00:50:52,795 Of course, you'll have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to you. 565 00:50:58,311 --> 00:51:02,748 I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town. 566 00:51:03,082 --> 00:51:06,916 See, in another 25 years you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight. 567 00:51:07,286 --> 00:51:09,754 Well, I'm not going to hold my breath for it. 568 00:51:10,123 --> 00:51:14,526 Come on, I don't want to be late. Lili von Shtupp is opening tonight. 569 00:51:15,261 --> 00:51:16,592 Lili von who? 570 00:51:31,444 --> 00:51:35,540 Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome. Come on in. 571 00:51:40,620 --> 00:51:43,054 It's Hedley. For you, my dear. 572 00:51:44,490 --> 00:51:47,425 Oh, how ordinary. 573 00:51:51,264 --> 00:51:54,131 Oh, Lili, Lili, Lili, legs, Lili, Lili! 574 00:51:55,801 --> 00:51:58,793 I can't find the words to truly express my joy... 575 00:51:59,005 --> 00:52:01,064 ...at the rekindling of our association. 576 00:52:01,841 --> 00:52:04,469 Bullshit, what's the job? 577 00:52:06,812 --> 00:52:08,473 I love it when you talk dirty. 578 00:52:21,093 --> 00:52:23,891 Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to bwass tacks. 579 00:52:24,030 --> 00:52:26,191 What do you want me to do? 580 00:52:27,800 --> 00:52:31,702 I want you to seduce and abandon the sheriff of Rock Ridge. 581 00:52:32,305 --> 00:52:33,465 You think you can do it? 582 00:52:36,209 --> 00:52:37,676 Is Bismark a hewwing? 583 00:52:38,044 --> 00:52:41,172 Oh, Lili, you're magnificent! Kiss me! 584 00:52:53,426 --> 00:52:57,988 And now, folks, the gal you've all been waiting for... 585 00:52:58,431 --> 00:53:03,130 ...the Bavarian Bombshell herself! Let's hear it for Lili von Shtupp! 586 00:53:16,215 --> 00:53:19,548 "Here I stand, the goddess of desire... 587 00:53:20,219 --> 00:53:24,155 "... set men on fire. I have this power. 588 00:53:25,958 --> 00:53:29,416 "Morning, noon and night, it's drink and dancing... 589 00:53:29,929 --> 00:53:34,593 "... some quick romancing, and then a shower. 590 00:53:35,735 --> 00:53:39,227 "Stage door Johnnies constantly surround me... 591 00:53:39,572 --> 00:53:43,064 "... they always hound me with one request. 592 00:53:45,177 --> 00:53:48,271 "Who can satisfy their lustful habit? 593 00:53:49,181 --> 00:53:53,845 "I'm not a rabbit. I need some rest. 594 00:54:01,794 --> 00:54:03,386 "I'm tired... 595 00:54:04,864 --> 00:54:08,061 "... sick and tired of love... 596 00:54:09,769 --> 00:54:12,260 "I've had my fill of love... 597 00:54:14,140 --> 00:54:16,938 "... from below and above. 598 00:54:20,479 --> 00:54:25,143 "Tired, tired of being admired... 599 00:54:27,286 --> 00:54:30,278 "... tired of love uninspired. 600 00:54:32,258 --> 00:54:34,488 "Let's face it, I'm tired. 601 00:54:36,829 --> 00:54:41,493 "I've been with thousands of men again and again. 602 00:54:42,668 --> 00:54:44,829 "They promise the moon. 603 00:54:45,738 --> 00:54:50,402 "They're always coming and going and going and coming... 604 00:54:52,545 --> 00:54:54,536 "... and always too soon. " 605 00:54:55,481 --> 00:54:56,812 Right, girls? 606 00:54:57,249 --> 00:55:01,913 "I'm tired. Tired of playing the game. 607 00:55:04,256 --> 00:55:07,555 "Ain't it a crying shame? 608 00:55:08,661 --> 00:55:11,653 "I'm so tired. " 609 00:55:12,365 --> 00:55:14,663 Goddamn it, I'm exhausted! 610 00:55:16,936 --> 00:55:19,336 Hello, cowboy, what's your name? 611 00:55:20,473 --> 00:55:23,374 "Tex ma'am"? Tell me, Tex ma'am... 612 00:55:23,709 --> 00:55:25,142 ...are you in show business? 613 00:55:25,478 --> 00:55:26,137 Nope. 614 00:55:26,379 --> 00:55:29,348 Well, then, why don't you get your friggin' feet off the stage? 615 00:55:43,229 --> 00:55:47,893 Hello, handsome. Is that a 10-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show? 616 00:55:56,876 --> 00:55:59,811 Oh, Miss Lili, oh, my lovely lady! 617 00:56:11,724 --> 00:56:14,625 "Tired of playing the game. 618 00:56:16,128 --> 00:56:19,723 "Ain't it a crying shame... 619 00:56:20,399 --> 00:56:22,390 "... I'm so tired. 620 00:56:30,743 --> 00:56:31,732 "She's tired. 621 00:56:32,611 --> 00:56:35,102 "Sick and tired of love. Give her a break. 622 00:56:35,448 --> 00:56:38,440 "She's had her fill of love. She's not a snake! 623 00:56:38,751 --> 00:56:41,743 "From below and above. Can't you see she's sick? 624 00:56:42,922 --> 00:56:43,911 "She's bushed. 625 00:56:44,256 --> 00:56:46,588 "Tired of being admired. Let her alone. 626 00:56:46,926 --> 00:56:48,587 "Tired of love uninspired. 627 00:56:51,564 --> 00:56:53,088 "Don't you know she's pooped? 628 00:56:53,432 --> 00:56:58,096 "I've been with thousands of men again and again. 629 00:56:59,371 --> 00:57:01,430 "They sing the same tune! 630 00:57:02,441 --> 00:57:05,774 "They start with Byron and Shelley... 631 00:57:06,111 --> 00:57:10,275 "... then jump on your belly, and bust your balloon. 632 00:57:17,122 --> 00:57:19,784 "Tired of playing the game. 633 00:57:21,494 --> 00:57:24,156 "Ain't it a friggin' shame? 634 00:57:26,065 --> 00:57:27,396 "I'm so... " 635 00:57:28,200 --> 00:57:32,899 Let's face it. Everything below the waist is kaput! 636 00:58:08,173 --> 00:58:09,299 What does it say? 637 00:58:10,142 --> 00:58:14,602 "I must see you alone in my dwessing woom right after the show. " 638 00:58:29,762 --> 00:58:32,094 Wie gehts, meine schatzie? 639 00:58:33,065 --> 00:58:34,123 Faw out! 640 00:58:39,271 --> 00:58:42,604 A wed wose. How womantic! 641 00:58:44,043 --> 00:58:45,704 Have a seat, shewiff. 642 00:58:51,717 --> 00:58:53,275 Won't you excuse me for a moment... 643 00:58:53,452 --> 00:58:56,444 ...while I slip into something a little bit more comfortable? 644 00:58:59,792 --> 00:59:01,225 Bitte, baby. 645 00:59:08,734 --> 00:59:11,794 Why don't you loosen your bullets? 646 00:59:18,110 --> 00:59:20,670 Ahh, I feel wefweshed! 647 00:59:21,614 --> 00:59:23,605 Isn't it bwight in here? 648 00:59:30,022 --> 00:59:32,923 There! Isn't that better? 649 00:59:35,260 --> 00:59:37,353 Pardon me, I'll be back in a moment. 650 00:59:41,433 --> 00:59:42,297 How is it going? 651 00:59:42,635 --> 00:59:47,038 He's like wet sauerkraut in my hands. By morning he will be my slave. 652 00:59:47,373 --> 00:59:48,135 Splendid. 653 00:59:48,674 --> 00:59:50,164 Oh, just let me have a little feel. 654 00:59:51,610 --> 00:59:53,840 Where were we? Where are you? 655 00:59:55,948 --> 00:59:58,109 Let me sit down next to you. 656 01:00:00,619 --> 01:00:01,950 Tell me, schatzie... 657 01:00:02,855 --> 01:00:07,292 ...is it, ah, twu what they say about the way you people are gifted? 658 01:00:09,828 --> 01:00:12,991 Oh, it's twu, it's twu! 659 01:00:19,204 --> 01:00:21,297 Vill you care for another schnitzengruben? 660 01:00:21,640 --> 01:00:25,701 No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben. 661 01:00:26,545 --> 01:00:29,139 Well, then, how about a little...? 662 01:00:32,651 --> 01:00:35,984 Baby, please, I am not from Havana. 663 01:00:36,922 --> 01:00:38,253 Excuse me, honey... 664 01:00:38,724 --> 01:00:42,490 ...besides, I'm late for work. I've got some heavy chores to do. 665 01:00:43,095 --> 01:00:45,757 Vill I, vill I see you later? 666 01:00:46,699 --> 01:00:51,033 That all depends on how much Vitamin E I can get my hands on. 667 01:00:51,336 --> 01:00:52,564 Nein, nein, achtung! 668 01:00:53,338 --> 01:00:56,068 No, no, you mustn't go! I need you! 669 01:00:56,241 --> 01:00:59,233 I never met nobody like you! I can't live without you! 670 01:01:02,081 --> 01:01:06,074 Please, you're making a German spectacle of yourself. 671 01:01:08,587 --> 01:01:10,248 Auf wiedersehen, baby. 672 01:01:17,529 --> 01:01:19,588 Oh, what a nice guy. 673 01:01:27,773 --> 01:01:31,106 Oh, deary, dear. Look what the cat dragged in. 674 01:01:44,389 --> 01:01:46,220 What's happening in the clean world? 675 01:01:47,092 --> 01:01:48,059 Bad news. 676 01:01:48,761 --> 01:01:53,130 I've got a writ here for Mongo's release signed by Hedley Lamarr himself. 677 01:01:58,036 --> 01:02:01,233 Why would a dude like Hedley Lamarr care about Mongo? 678 01:02:04,309 --> 01:02:05,139 It's legal. 679 01:02:08,013 --> 01:02:11,414 Oh, those schnitzengrubens can wipe you out! 680 01:02:18,957 --> 01:02:20,288 Wake up time! 681 01:02:26,598 --> 01:02:29,260 Okay, Mongo. You're free to go. 682 01:02:30,969 --> 01:02:32,027 Mongo no go. 683 01:02:34,873 --> 01:02:38,365 Oh, come on, Mongo. You're a free man. 684 01:02:40,179 --> 01:02:44,843 Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart. Sheriff first man ever whip Mongo. 685 01:02:46,652 --> 01:02:50,554 Mongo impressed, have deep feelings for Sheriff Bart. 686 01:02:52,724 --> 01:02:54,885 Oh, you better watch out, big fella. 687 01:02:55,460 --> 01:02:58,190 I think Mongo's taken a little fancy to you. 688 01:03:02,668 --> 01:03:03,862 Mongo straight. 689 01:03:08,740 --> 01:03:11,009 Maybe you know why a high-roller... 690 01:03:11,109 --> 01:03:13,407 ...like Hedley Lamarr is interested in Rock Ridge. 691 01:03:14,246 --> 01:03:18,478 Don't know. Got to do with where choo-choo go. 692 01:03:21,987 --> 01:03:26,048 Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care about where the choo-choo goes? 693 01:03:27,025 --> 01:03:28,151 Don't know. 694 01:03:30,062 --> 01:03:34,260 Mongo only pawn in game of life. 695 01:03:38,070 --> 01:03:39,560 I think this might be a good time to mosey out... 696 01:03:39,738 --> 01:03:42,070 ...to where they're building the railroad... 697 01:03:42,341 --> 01:03:44,002 ...and maybe do a little snooping. 698 01:04:23,649 --> 01:04:25,708 Damn, damn, damn! 699 01:04:32,324 --> 01:04:35,487 Hey, how are you doing Bart? Get down off that horse! 700 01:04:41,600 --> 01:04:44,569 Oh, you shifty nigger! They said you were hung! 701 01:04:44,903 --> 01:04:45,961 And they were right! 702 01:04:46,305 --> 01:04:49,240 Look at that star, hoo-ee! Civil service! 703 01:04:52,978 --> 01:04:54,468 Wait. Back off, scamp. 704 01:04:54,646 --> 01:04:57,638 You are addressing the duly appointed sheriff of Rock Ridge. 705 01:04:58,583 --> 01:05:01,450 Rock Ridge? Hey, the railroad is going through there! 706 01:05:17,469 --> 01:05:20,870 Back up off your brother! Don't mess up your brother! 707 01:05:38,457 --> 01:05:40,288 Holy mother of pearl! 708 01:05:41,159 --> 01:05:44,185 It's that nigger that hit me on the head with the shovel! 709 01:05:44,963 --> 01:05:48,364 Now what the hell do you think you're doing with that tin star, boy? 710 01:05:48,700 --> 01:05:53,364 Watch that "boy" shit, redneck! You're talking to the sheriff of Rock Ridge. 711 01:05:55,907 --> 01:05:57,499 Well, now if that don't beat all! 712 01:05:58,343 --> 01:06:00,612 Here we take the good time and trouble... 713 01:06:00,712 --> 01:06:03,044 ...to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? 714 01:06:04,816 --> 01:06:08,980 So they can appoint a sheriff that's blacker than any Indian! 715 01:06:10,155 --> 01:06:11,554 I am depressed. 716 01:06:12,024 --> 01:06:15,425 Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. 717 01:06:15,761 --> 01:06:18,363 What if me and the boys were to shoot that nigger dead? 718 01:06:18,463 --> 01:06:20,499 Would that pep you up some? 719 01:06:20,599 --> 01:06:21,691 Well, it might help. 720 01:06:22,100 --> 01:06:24,762 All right, boys. On the count of three. 721 01:06:25,504 --> 01:06:27,836 I wouldn't do that if I were you. 722 01:06:28,740 --> 01:06:30,401 Don't pay no attention to that alky. 723 01:06:30,575 --> 01:06:32,907 He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it. 724 01:06:36,081 --> 01:06:37,844 Like I said. On the count of three. 725 01:06:40,252 --> 01:06:40,911 One... 726 01:06:43,221 --> 01:06:43,880 ...two... 727 01:06:44,756 --> 01:06:45,415 ...three! 728 01:06:57,202 --> 01:07:01,866 Well, just don't sit there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain. 729 01:07:02,707 --> 01:07:06,268 How about a little applause for the Waco Kid? 730 01:07:17,389 --> 01:07:20,125 All right, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar! 731 01:07:20,225 --> 01:07:23,023 The time has come to act and act quickly! 732 01:07:23,161 --> 01:07:24,492 All my plans have backfired! 733 01:07:24,596 --> 01:07:26,928 Instead of the people leaving, they're staying in droves! 734 01:07:27,265 --> 01:07:31,292 Vhy don't you admit it? He's too much of man for you. I know. 735 01:07:31,670 --> 01:07:33,501 You going to need an army to beat him! 736 01:07:34,072 --> 01:07:35,562 You're finished. 737 01:07:35,907 --> 01:07:40,571 Fertig! Fahrblunged! Fahrcocked! 738 01:07:47,052 --> 01:07:49,714 Shut up! You Teutonic twat! 739 01:07:51,123 --> 01:07:52,818 I must think. 740 01:08:01,399 --> 01:08:05,699 Wait a minute. She said army. Of course! 741 01:08:06,304 --> 01:08:10,968 An army of the worst dregs ever to soil the face of the West! 742 01:08:14,646 --> 01:08:18,980 I've decided to launch an attack that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes! 743 01:08:19,651 --> 01:08:20,982 What do you want me to do, sir? 744 01:08:21,419 --> 01:08:24,752 I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the West. 745 01:08:24,856 --> 01:08:25,845 Take this down. 746 01:08:27,058 --> 01:08:31,461 I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters... 747 01:08:31,796 --> 01:08:36,062 ...desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits... 748 01:08:36,368 --> 01:08:40,964 ...vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits... 749 01:08:41,306 --> 01:08:44,571 ...muggers, buggerers, bushwackers, hornswagglers... 750 01:08:44,876 --> 01:08:48,744 ...horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers... 751 01:08:48,880 --> 01:08:51,280 ...shit kickers and Methodists! 752 01:08:53,852 --> 01:08:55,683 Could you repeat that, sir? 753 01:09:05,497 --> 01:09:06,828 Where's everybody going? 754 01:09:08,833 --> 01:09:09,595 Read this. 755 01:09:20,312 --> 01:09:23,873 Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man? 756 01:09:24,516 --> 01:09:29,180 We don't care if it's the First Act of Henry the Fifth! We're leaving! 757 01:09:30,288 --> 01:09:33,849 Now, wait a minute! Wait just one doggoned minute! 758 01:09:35,126 --> 01:09:39,790 Just give me 24 hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town. 759 01:09:40,365 --> 01:09:43,232 Just 24 hours, that's all I ask. 760 01:09:43,735 --> 01:09:44,827 No! 761 01:09:45,904 --> 01:09:47,838 You'd do it for Randolph Scott. 762 01:09:53,545 --> 01:09:56,446 All right, sheriff. 24 hours. 763 01:10:57,008 --> 01:10:57,702 Next! 764 01:10:59,244 --> 01:11:00,211 Qualifications? 765 01:11:00,745 --> 01:11:03,009 Rape, murder, arson and rape. 766 01:11:03,715 --> 01:11:05,012 You said rape twice. 767 01:11:05,950 --> 01:11:06,939 I like rape. 768 01:11:09,721 --> 01:11:12,121 Charming. Sign right here. 769 01:11:13,591 --> 01:11:14,922 Take that badge. 770 01:11:19,030 --> 01:11:19,962 Qualifications? 771 01:11:20,665 --> 01:11:23,793 Arson, armed robbery, mayhem. 772 01:11:24,169 --> 01:11:27,661 Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth? 773 01:11:30,775 --> 01:11:32,970 Nothing, eh? Lyle. 774 01:11:36,247 --> 01:11:37,009 Gum! 775 01:11:37,749 --> 01:11:40,309 Chewing gum on line, eh? 776 01:11:40,752 --> 01:11:43,550 I hope you brought enough for everybody. 777 01:11:45,457 --> 01:11:47,288 I didn't know there was going to be so many. 778 01:11:52,831 --> 01:11:54,822 Boy, is he strict! 779 01:11:55,333 --> 01:11:58,063 We've got to get in there close and find out what's happening. 780 01:11:59,938 --> 01:12:01,064 There's our ticket! 781 01:12:08,346 --> 01:12:09,438 Hey, boys! 782 01:12:11,082 --> 01:12:12,515 Look what I've got there! 783 01:12:14,686 --> 01:12:16,483 Hey, where are the white women at? 784 01:12:31,069 --> 01:12:32,832 Man, that was pretty! I liked that. 785 01:12:34,005 --> 01:12:37,805 Be ready to attack Rock Ridge at noon tomorrow. Here's your badge. 786 01:12:41,613 --> 01:12:44,411 We don't need no stinkin' badges! 787 01:12:46,551 --> 01:12:47,210 Next! 788 01:12:47,886 --> 01:12:48,716 Qualifications? 789 01:12:49,487 --> 01:12:50,886 Stampeding cattle. 790 01:12:51,356 --> 01:12:52,846 That's not much of a crime. 791 01:12:53,191 --> 01:12:54,522 Through the Vatican! 792 01:12:55,026 --> 01:12:56,015 Kinky! 793 01:12:59,397 --> 01:13:01,666 Why, Rhett, how many times have I told you... 794 01:13:01,766 --> 01:13:04,064 ...to wash up after weekly cross-burning? 795 01:13:04,702 --> 01:13:05,828 See, it's coming off. 796 01:13:08,506 --> 01:13:11,998 And now, for my next impression, Jesse Owens! 797 01:13:13,778 --> 01:13:15,040 Catch them! 798 01:13:16,014 --> 01:13:20,417 Hold up, men, we'll head them off at the pass! 799 01:13:21,719 --> 01:13:26,053 Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché! 800 01:13:44,542 --> 01:13:45,600 Say, "hello. " 801 01:13:46,110 --> 01:13:46,872 Hello. 802 01:13:47,946 --> 01:13:49,846 Listen to me, and listen to me good. 803 01:13:49,981 --> 01:13:52,313 I want you to get all the brothers together... 804 01:13:52,650 --> 01:13:56,609 ...round up all the lumber, canvas, paint and nails you can lay your hands on... 805 01:13:56,955 --> 01:14:01,619 ...and meet me tonight 3 miles due east of Rock Ridge at midnight. 806 01:14:02,427 --> 01:14:03,189 You understand? 807 01:14:03,895 --> 01:14:04,759 Say, "goodbye. " 808 01:14:06,564 --> 01:14:07,758 Thanks a lot, brother. 809 01:14:36,794 --> 01:14:39,864 All right, folks, I know you're a bit confused wondering what you're doing... 810 01:14:39,964 --> 01:14:42,194 ...out in the middle of the prairie in the middle of the night. 811 01:14:42,333 --> 01:14:43,459 You bet your ass! 812 01:14:44,702 --> 01:14:45,669 I'm hip. 813 01:14:46,337 --> 01:14:47,929 Now, before the sun comes up... 814 01:14:48,239 --> 01:14:54,007 ...we're going to build on this sight an exact replica of the town of Rock Ridge. 815 01:14:57,015 --> 01:15:00,507 Every building, every storefront, every rock and every tree... 816 01:15:00,852 --> 01:15:04,253 ...right down to the orange roof on Howard Johnson's outhouse. 817 01:15:05,857 --> 01:15:06,846 I get it! 818 01:15:07,191 --> 01:15:09,921 And tomorrow when Hedley Lamarr and his men come riding in... 819 01:15:10,061 --> 01:15:11,255 ...to destroy the real Rock Ridge... 820 01:15:11,396 --> 01:15:13,364 ...they'll actually be destroying the fake Rock Ridge! 821 01:15:13,464 --> 01:15:15,867 But they'll think it's the real Rock Ridge! 822 01:15:15,967 --> 01:15:17,867 But we'll know it's the fake Rock Ridge! 823 01:15:18,202 --> 01:15:21,535 How're we going to do it? We don't have the time nor the people. 824 01:15:21,873 --> 01:15:24,137 Wrong! There's why. 825 01:15:27,011 --> 01:15:28,911 Who the hell are they? 826 01:15:32,784 --> 01:15:37,483 Railroad workers. They've agreed to help us make our dream come true. 827 01:15:37,989 --> 01:15:40,457 And all they ask in return is a little plot of land... 828 01:15:40,592 --> 01:15:42,583 ...they can call their own to homestead. 829 01:15:42,927 --> 01:15:44,053 What do you say? 830 01:15:51,502 --> 01:15:55,029 We'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks... 831 01:15:55,673 --> 01:15:57,868 ...but we don't want the Irish! 832 01:16:03,314 --> 01:16:04,406 No deal. 833 01:16:05,450 --> 01:16:09,011 Ah, prairie shit! Everybody! 834 01:16:13,825 --> 01:16:14,792 Oh, Lord... 835 01:16:16,027 --> 01:16:20,691 ...do we have the strength to carry on this mighty task in one night? 836 01:16:23,434 --> 01:16:25,766 Or are we just jerking off? 837 01:16:36,514 --> 01:16:41,178 Okay, okay, we have done it. Now, let's see what we have done. 838 01:17:21,459 --> 01:17:26,123 Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade... 839 01:17:27,131 --> 01:17:29,622 ...to stamp out runaway decency in the West. 840 01:17:30,334 --> 01:17:32,564 Now you will only be risking your lives... 841 01:17:33,004 --> 01:17:37,566 ...whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination... 842 01:17:38,743 --> 01:17:40,176 ...for Best Supporting Actor. 843 01:17:41,079 --> 01:17:43,070 Now raise your right hand for the pledge. 844 01:17:45,516 --> 01:17:46,414 Right! 845 01:17:48,252 --> 01:17:51,016 And repeat after me. I... 846 01:17:52,623 --> 01:17:53,590 ...your name... 847 01:17:53,958 --> 01:17:55,255 ...your name... 848 01:17:55,593 --> 01:17:58,653 Schmucks! ... pledge allegiance... 849 01:17:58,996 --> 01:18:00,327 ...pledge allegiance... 850 01:18:00,698 --> 01:18:02,256 ...to Hedley Lamarr... 851 01:18:02,600 --> 01:18:04,158 ...to Hedy Lamarr... 852 01:18:04,502 --> 01:18:05,491 That's Hedley! 853 01:18:05,837 --> 01:18:07,031 ...that's Hedley... 854 01:18:07,472 --> 01:18:09,099 ...and to the evil... 855 01:18:09,440 --> 01:18:10,930 ...and to the evil... 856 01:18:11,275 --> 01:18:12,936 ...for which he stands! 857 01:18:13,277 --> 01:18:14,676 ...for which he stands! 858 01:18:15,046 --> 01:18:19,710 Now go do that voodoo that you do so well! 859 01:18:32,830 --> 01:18:35,628 Hold the happiness. We are in trouble. 860 01:18:37,034 --> 01:18:39,502 Yep! We forgot one little detail. 861 01:18:39,737 --> 01:18:43,468 Nothing is missing. Everything is here, down to the last hitching post. 862 01:18:44,041 --> 01:18:46,202 People. There are no people. 863 01:18:46,544 --> 01:18:48,978 Now don't panic. Don't panic. 864 01:18:49,747 --> 01:18:52,545 We just made a perfect copy of Rock Ridge. 865 01:18:52,850 --> 01:18:56,308 Now all we've got to do is make perfect copies of ourselves. 866 01:18:57,655 --> 01:18:59,816 But they'll be here in half an hour. 867 01:19:00,158 --> 01:19:02,319 Right, so we've got to start working fast. 868 01:19:02,693 --> 01:19:06,424 You men start working on the dummies. Jim and Mongo, come with me. 869 01:19:06,998 --> 01:19:10,661 I've got an idea that will slow them down to a crawl. 870 01:19:11,002 --> 01:19:11,900 All right, let's go! 871 01:19:20,111 --> 01:19:22,102 Yeah, that's nice. 872 01:19:44,268 --> 01:19:48,932 Le Petomane Thruway! Now what will that asshole think of next? 873 01:19:51,542 --> 01:19:53,533 Has anybody got a dime? 874 01:19:55,246 --> 01:19:58,409 Somebody's got to go back and get a shit-load of dimes. 875 01:20:07,625 --> 01:20:11,561 Hurry up. Speed it up or we're never going to get to Rock Ridge! 876 01:20:12,129 --> 01:20:14,893 Come on, move them through! 877 01:20:21,138 --> 01:20:23,072 Well, they're through the tollbooth. 878 01:20:25,576 --> 01:20:28,067 Look at this, they're buying it! 879 01:20:38,422 --> 01:20:41,858 All right, here we go. Hold your ears, folks! 880 01:20:42,326 --> 01:20:43,918 It's show time! 881 01:20:48,666 --> 01:20:49,496 Nothing! 882 01:20:49,834 --> 01:20:51,096 What are we going to do? 883 01:20:51,535 --> 01:20:54,834 Any minute now they're going to discover the town is fake and pull out! 884 01:20:57,341 --> 01:20:59,844 You think you could squeeze off a little shot from here... 885 01:20:59,944 --> 01:21:01,935 ...and set off the dynamite down there? 886 01:21:03,047 --> 01:21:04,378 I'll give it a try. 887 01:21:15,026 --> 01:21:18,359 Oh, Lord, keep this man's eye keen... 888 01:21:18,629 --> 01:21:20,620 ...and may God grant... 889 01:21:32,810 --> 01:21:34,038 It's a fake! 890 01:21:34,378 --> 01:21:35,970 We've been suckered in! 891 01:21:53,164 --> 01:21:56,600 Okay, folks, let's wipe them out! 892 01:22:21,192 --> 01:22:22,625 Forgive me, Lord! 893 01:23:25,790 --> 01:23:27,758 "Throw out your hands, stick out your tush. 894 01:23:27,858 --> 01:23:29,849 "Hands on your hips, give them a push. 895 01:23:30,161 --> 01:23:33,494 "You'll be surprised, you're doing the French Mistake. Voilà!" 896 01:23:36,167 --> 01:23:37,498 All right, cut! 897 01:23:42,606 --> 01:23:43,595 Wrong! 898 01:23:46,811 --> 01:23:50,269 Just watch me. It's so simple! 899 01:23:50,614 --> 01:23:51,945 You sissy Marys! 900 01:23:52,616 --> 01:23:56,985 Give me the playback. And watch me, faggots! 901 01:24:10,367 --> 01:24:11,299 Have you got it? 902 01:24:11,635 --> 01:24:12,863 Yessssssss. 903 01:24:13,838 --> 01:24:15,533 Sounds like steam escaping! 904 01:24:16,073 --> 01:24:19,236 Action! Okay, wait until I get out. 905 01:24:50,007 --> 01:24:53,943 Cut! What in the hell do you think you're doing here? 906 01:24:54,278 --> 01:24:56,178 This is a closed set! 907 01:24:57,248 --> 01:24:59,910 Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks. 908 01:25:00,251 --> 01:25:02,185 Not in the face! 909 01:25:04,121 --> 01:25:05,053 Thank you. 910 01:25:05,589 --> 01:25:08,558 They've hit Buddy! Come on, girls! 911 01:25:18,269 --> 01:25:19,930 You vulgar shit! 912 01:25:20,371 --> 01:25:23,033 Why, you miserable pansy! 913 01:25:27,745 --> 01:25:29,372 I'm parked over by the commissary. 914 01:25:34,251 --> 01:25:37,743 You brute, you brute, you vicious brute! 915 01:25:39,490 --> 01:25:41,481 All right, all right... 916 01:25:56,440 --> 01:25:58,101 How many days do you have left, Joey? 917 01:25:58,475 --> 01:26:00,943 They lose me right after the bunker scene. 918 01:26:03,514 --> 01:26:04,606 What the hell is that? 919 01:26:10,387 --> 01:26:13,288 Get your pies for the great pie fight! 920 01:26:17,528 --> 01:26:20,397 This is our Studio commissary where some Hollywood stars... 921 01:26:20,497 --> 01:26:22,192 ...come to eat. Keep in line. 922 01:26:29,707 --> 01:26:32,301 And now we'll go to the Special Effects Department. 923 01:26:37,214 --> 01:26:40,411 Yankee bean soup, cole slaw and tuna surprise. 924 01:27:20,858 --> 01:27:21,847 Taxi! 925 01:27:27,298 --> 01:27:28,856 Drive me off this picture! 926 01:27:58,295 --> 01:27:59,387 You dropped your beads. 927 01:27:59,730 --> 01:28:00,719 One, please. 928 01:28:02,566 --> 01:28:03,897 Uh, student. 929 01:28:04,401 --> 01:28:05,390 Are you kidding? 930 01:28:07,971 --> 01:28:09,131 Pain in the ass. 931 01:28:09,773 --> 01:28:12,105 Look, Herman, I'm in Hedy Lamarr's shoes! 932 01:28:12,409 --> 01:28:13,239 Hedley! 933 01:28:42,339 --> 01:28:43,169 Freeze it! 934 01:28:44,174 --> 01:28:46,438 Okay, Lamarr, go for your gun. 935 01:28:46,777 --> 01:28:49,837 Wait, wait, I'm unarmed. 936 01:28:50,347 --> 01:28:53,282 All right, we'll settle it like men. 937 01:28:54,852 --> 01:28:55,819 With our fists. 938 01:28:57,187 --> 01:29:00,987 Sorry, I just remembered. I am armed. 939 01:29:08,565 --> 01:29:13,229 How did he do such fantastic stunts with such little feet? 940 01:29:19,209 --> 01:29:20,870 You shot the bad guy! 941 01:29:23,414 --> 01:29:24,881 Well, what do you want to do now? 942 01:29:25,582 --> 01:29:27,914 Come on, let's check out the end of the flick. 943 01:29:28,819 --> 01:29:31,583 I sure hope there's a happy ending. I love a happy ending. 944 01:29:37,161 --> 01:29:40,221 Sheriff, you can't go now. We need you. 945 01:29:40,931 --> 01:29:44,492 My work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. 946 01:29:45,269 --> 01:29:48,238 I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West. 947 01:29:48,572 --> 01:29:52,565 Wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets. 948 01:29:53,243 --> 01:29:56,007 Wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity. 949 01:29:56,346 --> 01:30:00,077 Wherever people cry out for justice. 950 01:30:00,918 --> 01:30:02,249 Bullshit! 951 01:30:05,055 --> 01:30:06,386 All right, you caught me. 952 01:30:06,490 --> 01:30:09,721 To speak the plain truth, it's getting pretty damn dull around here. 953 01:30:10,461 --> 01:30:13,692 Good luck, Bart, and God bless you. 954 01:30:18,936 --> 01:30:20,267 'Bye, baby brother. 955 01:30:22,406 --> 01:30:24,101 Keep the faith, brothers! 956 01:30:40,591 --> 01:30:42,081 Where are you headed, cowboy? 957 01:30:43,560 --> 01:30:44,720 Nowhere special. 958 01:30:47,731 --> 01:30:52,395 Nowhere special. I always wanted to go there. 959 01:30:54,404 --> 01:30:55,166 Come on! 960 01:31:26,503 --> 01:31:30,269 "He conquered fear and he conquered hate. " 961 01:31:30,607 --> 01:31:33,940 "He turned our night into day. "