1
00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:55,182
How I got into this predicament,
I'll never know.
2
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,259
Absolutely incredible.
3
00:01:57,492 --> 00:02:00,516
To be executed for a crime
I never committed.
4
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:03,941
Of course,
isn't all mankind in the same boat?
5
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:07,816
Isn't all mankind ultimately executed
for a crime it never committed?
6
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:13,367
The difference is that all men go eventually,
but I go at 6:00 tomorrow morning.
7
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:17,988
I was supposed to go at 5:00,
but I have a smart lawyer. Got leniency.
8
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,999
I have a tremendous yearning
to be young again.
9
00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:22,876
A boy.
10
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,795
Such happy memories
at our summer house.
11
00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:28,924
Uncle Nikolai with his wonderful laugh.
12
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,518
God, he was repulsive!
13
00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:42,980
Then there was Grandpa and Grandma,
who'd been married for 50 years
14
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:47,105
and still felt as deeply about one another
as the day they met.
15
00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:52,106
And my own father,
a handsome and generous man.
16
00:02:52,381 --> 00:02:54,616
In addition to
our summer and winter estate,
17
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,994
he owned a valuable piece of land.
18
00:02:57,094 --> 00:03:01,415
True, it was a small piece, but he carried it
with him wherever he went.
19
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:05,960
Dimitri Petrovitch!
I would like to buy your land.
20
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:12,836
This land is not for sale.
Someday I hope to build on it.
21
00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:15,720
He was an idiot, but I loved him.
22
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:20,555
Then there was Mother, who made
the most delicious blintzes in the world.
23
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,398
Of course, there was Old Gregor
and his son, Young Gregor.
24
00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:29,318
Oddly enough, Young Gregor's son
was older than Old Gregor.
25
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,316
Nobody could figure out
how that happened.
26
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:36,241
My two brothers, Ivan and Mikhail,
used to play amusing little games
27
00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:39,820
but I had a completely different concept
of myself as a child.
28
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:47,252
My first experience with death
was with one of our serfs, Old Nehamkin.
29
00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:52,753
Old Nehamkin was on the roof putting up
a lightning rod when a storm broke out.
30
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:57,471
After he failed to show up for dinner,
Mother went to look for him.
31
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,093
What is it, Old Nehamkin?
32
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:03,932
You're not looking well. Are you okay?
You feel all right?
33
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,062
We laid Old Nehamkin to rest.
34
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,479
And that night,
I had a strange and vivid dream.
35
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:38,170
I knew that after that dream,
I would not grow up to be an ordinary man.
36
00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:40,889
I had many conversations
with Father Nikolai,
37
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,767
who was always dressed in black
with a black beard.
38
00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:46,269
For years,
I thought he was an Italian widow.
39
00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:50,732
Every action has a cause. The universe
exists, therefore it has a cause.
40
00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:53,985
It follows God created the universe,
therefore He exists.
41
00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:57,114
And yet, Spinoza didn't believe
in the Holy Trinity.
42
00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,366
- Spinoza was a Jew.
- What's a Jew?
43
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:03,321
You never saw a Jew?
Here, I have some sketches.
44
00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:08,583
- There are Jews.
- No kidding!
45
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:10,627
They all have these horns?
46
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:15,173
No. This is the Russian Jew.
The German Jew has these stripes.
47
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,176
I recall my first mystical vision.
48
00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,846
I was walking through the woods,
thinking about Christ.
49
00:05:20,946 --> 00:05:24,141
If He was a carpenter, I wonder
what He'd charge for bookshelves?
50
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,513
Suddenly...
51
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,183
- Who are you?
- Death.
52
00:05:29,955 --> 00:05:33,184
What happens after we die?
Is there a hell?
53
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:37,154
Is there a God? Do we live again?
54
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:41,859
All right, let me ask one key question.
55
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,198
Are there girls?
56
00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:48,491
You're an interesting young man.
We'll meet again.
57
00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:51,702
- Don't bother.
- It's no bother.
58
00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:56,715
I grew to full manhood, actually 5'6",
59
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:59,134
which is technically
not full manhood in Russia,
60
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,886
but you can still own property.
61
00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,554
Over 5'3", you can own land.
62
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:05,182
Under 5'3", you need
special permission from the Czar.
63
00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:31,454
We were three healthy men.
64
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,452
My brother, Ivan,
65
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,998
my brother, Mikhail,
66
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,543
and myself.
67
00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:49,726
Finally, there was my cousin, Sonja.
68
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:53,188
In addition to being the most
beautiful woman I had ever seen,
69
00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:56,437
she was one of the few people
I could have deep conversations with.
70
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:02,523
Boris, look at this leaf.
Isn't it perfect?
71
00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:04,949
And this one. Look.
72
00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:06,451
Oh, yeah.
73
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:10,080
Yes, I definitely think that
this is the best of all possible worlds.
74
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,082
Certainly the most expensive.
75
00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:14,250
Isn't nature incredible?
76
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,753
To me, nature is...
You know, I don't know.
77
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:20,632
Spiders and bugs
and then big fish eating little fish
78
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:24,678
and then plants eating...
plants and animals eating...
79
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:27,097
It's like an enormous restaurant.
That's the way I see it.
80
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:30,100
Yes, but if God created it,
it has to be beautiful.
81
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,228
Even if His plan's not apparent to us
at the moment.
82
00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:35,681
Sonja, what if there is no God?
83
00:07:35,914 --> 00:07:38,517
Boris Dimitrovitch, are you joking?
84
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:41,152
What if we're just
a bunch of absurd people
85
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:43,946
who are running around
with no rhyme or reason?
86
00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:46,867
But if there is no God,
then life has no meaning.
87
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,911
Why go on living?
Why not just commit suicide?
88
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:52,956
Well, let's not get hysterical.
I could be wrong.
89
00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:56,126
I'd hate to blow my brains out and then
read in the papers they found something.
90
00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:59,872
Boris, let me show you
how absurd your position is.
91
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:02,340
All right.
Let's say that there is no God,
92
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,801
and each man is free to do
exactly as he chooses.
93
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,504
Well, what prevents you
from murdering somebody?
94
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:11,266
- Murder's immoral!
- Morality is subjective.
95
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,343
Yes, but subjectivity is objective.
96
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:16,058
Not in any rational scheme
of perception.
97
00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:18,724
Perception is irrational.
It implies imminence.
98
00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:22,319
But judgment of any system
or a priori relation of phenomena
99
00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:26,781
exists in any rational or metaphysical
or at least epistemological contradiction
100
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,659
to an abstracted empirical concept
such as being
101
00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:33,997
or to be or to occur in the thing itself
or of the thing itself.
102
00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:36,166
Yeah, I've said that many times.
103
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:39,620
Boris, we must believe in God.
104
00:08:40,411 --> 00:08:44,424
If I could just see a miracle.
Just... Just one miracle.
105
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:48,678
If I could see a burning bush
or the seas part
106
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:52,007
or my Uncle Sasha pick up a check.
107
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,019
We should go back downstairs.
108
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,689
By now, the last golden streaks
of the sunset
109
00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:02,563
are vanishing behind the western hills.
110
00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:06,734
Soon the dark blanket of night
shall settle over us all.
111
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:10,863
Hey, you've been going
to finishing school!
112
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:16,331
Hey, you... dating any Russians
I should know about?
113
00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:19,617
Well, Minskov has proposed.
114
00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:23,713
And he's very sweet and wealthy
but the age difference is too great.
115
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,383
- I'm 28 and he's 81.
- Oh, that is big.
116
00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:29,803
When I'm 50, he'll be... 103.
117
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,972
That's a bad age for men.
They slow up a lot.
118
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,391
Oh, and Voskovec has made
his intentions clear
119
00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:37,435
but he deals in herring,
and he always smells of herring.
120
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:40,105
Do you know, he even bought me
herring-scented cologne?
121
00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:42,691
Oh, really? That's probably why
the cat follows you around.
122
00:09:42,791 --> 00:09:44,693
Love is everything, Boris.
123
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:48,443
I want to meet some man
and scale the heights of passion.
124
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:52,409
Some man who embodies
the three great aspects of love.
125
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:56,121
Intellectual, spiritual and sensual.
126
00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,415
Well, then,
there's not too many of us around,
127
00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,367
but it can be done.
128
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:04,295
- So many women settle cheaply.
- I know. Poor things.
129
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:07,841
- They marry for money.
- Money! Well, money.
130
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,635
But I tell you, I feel as though
my life would be wasted
131
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:14,514
if I didn't love deeply
with a man whose mind I respected,
132
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,683
whose spirituality equaled mine
133
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:20,770
and who had the same,
oh, lustful appetite for sensual passion
134
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,688
that drives me insane.
135
00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:25,646
You're an incredibly complex woman.
136
00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:29,525
I guess you could say
I'm half-saint, half-whore.
137
00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:32,615
Here's hoping I get the half that eats.
138
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:34,442
- Boris?
- Yes?
139
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:37,070
- I have a confession to make.
- Yes?
140
00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:40,832
- Ever since you and I were little children...
- Yes?
141
00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:42,792
I've been in love
with your brother, Ivan!
142
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:45,086
Oh, it's only nat...
143
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:47,297
Ivan? You're kidding!
144
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,799
He can barely write his name
in the ground with a stick.
145
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:53,178
- He has true animal magnetism.
- Animal magnetism?
146
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,889
All that talk about some perfect love,
and you're hot for Ivan?
147
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,974
- He kissed me.
- Any place I should know?
148
00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,934
It warmed the cockles of my heart.
149
00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:02,395
That's just great.
Nothing like hot cockles!
150
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,606
I think he's going to
ask me to marry him.
151
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:08,234
But he's a gambler and a drinker.
He's got a Neanderthal mentality.
152
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:11,988
Don't get me wrong, I love him
like a brother. Just not one of mine.
153
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,900
Do you hear that commotion?
What is going on downstairs?
154
00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:18,574
Have you heard the news?
Napoleon has invaded Austria.
155
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,038
Why? Is he out of Courvoisier?
156
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,749
At last, a chance
to taste the glories of battle!
157
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,043
Well, check with me when it's over.
I'll be in the game room.
158
00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:27,420
No, Boris. You're going to fight.
159
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,418
I'm gonna fight? You're gonna have
your head examined.
160
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,341
We leave the day after tomorrow.
161
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,052
Fellas, I'm a pacifist.
I don't believe in war.
162
00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:39,424
He doesn't believe in war?
Napoleon, he believes in war!
163
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:43,353
What are you going to do
when the French soldiers rape your sister?
164
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:45,605
- I don't have a sister.
- That's no answer.
165
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,524
Who are they gonna rape?
Ivan? They'll throw up.
166
00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:50,151
Don't disgrace me
in front of my friends.
167
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:51,528
What good is war?
168
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,238
We kill a few Frenchmen,
they kill a few Russians.
169
00:11:53,338 --> 00:11:54,405
Next thing you know, it's Easter.
170
00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:57,200
Boris, you can't be serious.
You're talking about Mother Russia.
171
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,451
Oh, she's not my mother.
172
00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,577
My mother's standing right here,
173
00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:01,871
and she's not gonna let her youngest baby
get shrapnel in his gums.
174
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:03,039
Get away from me!
175
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:06,042
I can't believe what I'm seeing!
176
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,753
Our brother has a yellow streak
down his back.
177
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,421
No, it's not down, it runs across.
178
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,133
- Boris, you're a coward!
- Yes, but I'm a militant coward.
179
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:16,928
Boris, medals! We get medals!
180
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,223
Take it easy, will you, Ivan?
You gotta cut down on your raw meat.
181
00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,684
He'll go and he'll fight!
182
00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:26,396
And I hope they will
put him in the front lines.
183
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:29,023
Thanks a lot, Mom. My mother, folks.
184
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:34,487
This is crazy. I can't shoot a gun.
I was meant to write poetry.
185
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,780
Sonja, I'm not the army type.
186
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,324
I slept with a light on
in my room till I was 30.
187
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,492
I can't shower with other men.
188
00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:43,287
Friends! My friends!
189
00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:48,876
On the eve of this glorious occasion,
I have an announcement to make.
190
00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:55,300
Because we go into battle,
perhaps never to see our loved ones again,
191
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:59,095
I wish to announce
that tomorrow I intend to marry.
192
00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:05,098
I'm going to take as my bride,
a woman I have grown up with.
193
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,440
Anna Ivanova.
194
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:14,314
- Ivan...
- I'm sorry. I should have told you.
195
00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:20,738
I also have an announcement to make!
196
00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:23,077
Tomorrow, I too, get married.
197
00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:24,454
Wonderful!
198
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:27,332
Yes, I have been proposed to
and have accepted the hand of
199
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:30,001
Serge Ivanonich Minskov!
200
00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:34,372
Oh!
201
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:43,298
Yes. I mean... Leonid Voskovec,
the herring merchant.
202
00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:56,792
You! Get out here!
203
00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:09,050
You're the worst soldier I ever seen!
204
00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:12,603
- You ignoramus!
- Ignoramus, sir.
205
00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:15,982
- Do you want a dishonorable discharge?
- Yes, sir! Either that or a furlough.
206
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:19,485
- Goddamn you! You love Russia, don't you?
- Yes, sir.
207
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,029
- Louder!
- Yes, sir.
208
00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:22,947
- You like it here, don't you?
- Yes, sir.
209
00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:25,283
You want to make a career
out of the army, don't you?
210
00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:27,118
Well, let's not get carried away.
211
00:15:27,218 --> 00:15:29,662
From now on, you'll clean
the mess hall and the latrine!
212
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,789
Yes, sir.
How will I tell the difference?
213
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:36,252
Okay. One, two. One, two. One, two...
214
00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:38,955
Yeah, three is next,
if you're having any trouble.
215
00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:32,058
Naturally, the war affects
the herring industry.
216
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,310
The ports are blockaded
217
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:37,389
and fresh shipments of the herring
become more difficult to obtain.
218
00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:42,561
Of course, when something
hurts herring, it hurts me.
219
00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:46,280
You see, what people don't understand
220
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:49,158
is that there are hundreds
of types of herring,
221
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:52,032
each with its own interesting history.
222
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,619
Sonja, are you okay?
223
00:16:58,226 --> 00:16:59,418
Oh, yes.
224
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,380
But I've talked long enough.
225
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,507
Why don't you two play?
226
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:07,301
As I have got some
important business to attend to.
227
00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:09,879
A capital idea!
228
00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:15,643
Ready? And a one and a two and...
229
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,076
You stopped.
230
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,163
What would you think if I told you
231
00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:39,834
you were one of the most
beautiful women I have ever seen?
232
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:44,712
I'd think, "What a mad fool he is."
233
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:49,552
And what would you say
if I suddenly put my arms around you?
234
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:53,552
I'd think,
"What a mad, impetuous fool he is."
235
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,851
And what would you think
if I kissed you?
236
00:17:56,951 --> 00:18:00,980
I'd think, "What a mad, impetuous,
wonderful fool he is."
237
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:04,066
- Don't.
- I must!
238
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:07,653
- We just ate.
- Your skin, it is so beautiful.
239
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,405
Yes, I know. It covers my whole body.
240
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,949
I must have you.
241
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:14,952
No, no. Not here. Not on the piano.
It's a rented piano.
242
00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:17,951
Darling, my darling, my...
243
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:19,949
Sonja.
244
00:18:20,391 --> 00:18:23,335
Sonja, did you see a jar of wine sauce?
245
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:30,259
- Come to my quarters tomorrow at 3:00.
- I can't.
246
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,712
- Please!
- It's immoral. What time?
247
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,014
So who is to say what is moral?
248
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:36,641
Morality is subjective.
249
00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:39,139
Subjectivity is objective.
250
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,938
Moral notions imply attributes
to substances
251
00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:44,440
which exist only in relational duality.
252
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:48,569
Not as an essential extension
of ontological existence.
253
00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:51,192
Can we not talk about sex so much?
254
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,449
I am terribly sorry!
255
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,159
- You'd better go.
- Sonja, please.
256
00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:56,827
- No, no, I mean it, Pierre.
- Sonja darling, please...
257
00:19:01,265 --> 00:19:05,791
Men, next week we leave for the front.
258
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:09,749
The object will be to kill
as many Frenchmen as possible.
259
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:14,505
Naturally, they are going to try and kill
as many Russians as possible.
260
00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:18,383
If we kill more Frenchmen, we win.
261
00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:22,137
If they kill more Russians, they win.
262
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,355
What'll we win?
263
00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:27,976
What do we win, Private?
264
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,862
Imagine your loved ones
conquered by Napoleon
265
00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:34,615
and forced to live under French rule.
266
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:38,661
Do you want them to eat that rich food
and those heavy sauces?
267
00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:40,496
No.
268
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:44,492
Do you want them to have
souffle every meal, and croissant?
269
00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:46,164
No.
270
00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:49,839
Now, men, because you are all getting
a three-day furlough
271
00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:51,340
before going into battle,
272
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:55,090
we would like to show you
this little hygiene play.
273
00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:03,186
- Goodbye. I hope you had a good time.
- I did. I had a good time.
274
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:08,767
Oh, what's this sore on my lip?
I better see the doctor.
275
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,278
Doc, I have this sore on my lip.
276
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:15,615
- You have a social disease, my friend.
- Oh, my God!
277
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:20,161
If you do not treat it,
you will go blind or insane!
278
00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:27,668
Well, men, that is the end of the play.
279
00:20:27,768 --> 00:20:31,005
Have a good time on your furlough,
but look after yourselves.
280
00:20:31,105 --> 00:20:33,382
Well, what did you think of the play?
281
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,259
Oh, it was weak. I was never interested.
282
00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:37,845
Although the part of the doctor
was played with gusto and verve,
283
00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:39,889
and the girl had
a delightful cameo role.
284
00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:41,932
A puckish satire of contemporary mores,
285
00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:44,060
a droll spoof aimed more
at the heart than the head.
286
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:47,688
As for me, I'm planning to spend
the next three days in a brothel.
287
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:49,732
- Care to come with me?
- No, no.
288
00:20:49,832 --> 00:20:51,651
I went to a brothel once in my life.
289
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,903
I got hiccups.
You know, it was over like that.
290
00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:56,530
Besides, there's someone
in St. Petersburg I'd like to visit.
291
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,277
Well, have fun.
292
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:05,956
I think you'll find The Magic Flute
is Mozart's greatest opera.
293
00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:07,416
Oh, yeah, it's a hell
of an opera, isn't it?
294
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:09,418
They sell popcorn
or gumdrops or something?
295
00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:12,588
We're so delighted you decided
to spend your furlough with us.
296
00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:14,840
You know, you've always
been our favorite nephew,
297
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,316
even though you're an incredible coward.
298
00:21:17,416 --> 00:21:19,478
Thank you so much. Thank you.
299
00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:21,972
Any news of Cousin Sonja?
300
00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:26,602
Only that she and Voskovec are unhappy
and that she takes lovers.
301
00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:29,313
- She takes uppers?
- Lovers!
302
00:21:29,413 --> 00:21:31,231
Oh, lovers! Lovers.
303
00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:33,730
Hey, who is that?
304
00:21:36,045 --> 00:21:38,864
That's the Countess Alexandrovna,
305
00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:42,535
one of the most enticing woman
in St. Petersburg.
306
00:21:43,219 --> 00:21:45,804
Ample bosoms, yes?
307
00:21:45,904 --> 00:21:47,581
I'd say ample for a regiment.
308
00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:49,458
She's recently widowed.
309
00:21:49,558 --> 00:21:52,795
And they say her husband, the Count,
died in her arms
310
00:21:52,895 --> 00:21:56,757
trying to satisfy
her prodigious sexual desires.
311
00:21:56,857 --> 00:22:00,177
No kidding! Died smiling, I bet.
312
00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:03,305
Who's the character with her
with the wry moustache?
313
00:22:03,405 --> 00:22:06,850
That's Anton Ivanovich Inbedkov,
her current lover.
314
00:22:07,409 --> 00:22:09,729
Although the way
she keeps staring at you!
315
00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,480
I'm sure I could work
something out with him.
316
00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:12,898
I'd let him warm her up
for a few minutes
317
00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:14,942
and I could come in at the end
and finish her.
318
00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:17,945
You must be careful of Anton Ivanovich.
319
00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:20,573
- He has a furious temper.
- Really?
320
00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:23,200
He has killed several men in duels.
321
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:26,723
All in a jealous rage over the Countess.
322
00:22:26,823 --> 00:22:29,949
Glad you mentioned it.
Think I'll watch the opera.
323
00:23:25,154 --> 00:23:28,133
Oh, there is something about Mozart!
324
00:23:28,324 --> 00:23:31,435
I think you're probably
responding to his music.
325
00:23:33,245 --> 00:23:36,269
Oh, my goodness, be careful!
Couldn't you be careful?
326
00:23:36,999 --> 00:23:39,485
I believe... I believe...
327
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:42,859
I believe that the lobby...
328
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:49,119
I believe that the lobby of
the St. Petersburg Opera House
329
00:23:49,219 --> 00:23:52,038
is one of the most beautiful in Europe.
330
00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:57,248
Who is this attractive
and mysterious soldier?
331
00:23:57,853 --> 00:23:59,125
Boris Grushenko.
332
00:23:59,605 --> 00:24:01,632
Ooh, I'm sorry. I goosed that lady.
333
00:24:01,732 --> 00:24:03,801
He has quite a sensitive
face, hasn't he?
334
00:24:03,901 --> 00:24:05,386
That's just the part of me that shows.
335
00:24:05,486 --> 00:24:06,762
Grushenko.
336
00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:10,099
Isn't he the young coward
all St. Petersburg is talking about?
337
00:24:10,199 --> 00:24:11,851
I'm not so young. I'm 35.
338
00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:13,727
The one who's so afraid
for his own safety
339
00:24:13,827 --> 00:24:15,688
that he is reluctant
to defend his country.
340
00:24:15,788 --> 00:24:17,106
He is in a bad mood, isn't he?
341
00:24:17,206 --> 00:24:18,478
What's the matter?
Don't you like your seats?
342
00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:22,733
You must visit me for tea someday.
I'm sure we'd have a lot to talk about.
343
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:24,655
It's okay with me.
I'll bring the tea bags.
344
00:24:24,755 --> 00:24:26,991
We could run a quick check
on your erogenous zones.
345
00:24:27,091 --> 00:24:28,993
What about the dybbuk?
346
00:24:29,093 --> 00:24:32,117
Why do you persist
in taunting me in public?
347
00:24:32,721 --> 00:24:35,040
If you so much as come
near the Countess,
348
00:24:35,557 --> 00:24:37,543
I'll see that you'll never see
the light of day again.
349
00:24:37,643 --> 00:24:40,671
If a man said that to me,
I'd break his neck!
350
00:24:40,771 --> 00:24:42,047
I am a man!
351
00:24:42,147 --> 00:24:45,726
Well, I mean a much shorter man.
352
00:24:46,609 --> 00:24:48,081
Boris!
353
00:24:48,181 --> 00:24:50,798
- Boris Dimitrovitch!
- Sonja!
354
00:24:55,327 --> 00:24:58,314
Look at you.
You look so handsome in your uniform.
355
00:24:58,414 --> 00:25:01,650
Well, I got a perfect build for clothes.
I'm a 28 dwarf.
356
00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:04,862
And you, Sonja, my God,
you look more beautiful standing here
357
00:25:04,962 --> 00:25:06,071
than you do in person.
358
00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:09,491
- Oh, Boris, I'm so unhappy.
- Oh, I wish you weren't.
359
00:25:09,591 --> 00:25:12,786
Voskovec and I quarrel frequently.
I've become a scandal.
360
00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:14,288
Poor Sonja!
361
00:25:14,388 --> 00:25:17,207
For the past weeks,
I've visited Seretsky in his room.
362
00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:19,376
Why? What's in his room?
363
00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:20,702
Oh.
364
00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:23,047
And before Seretsky, Alexi.
365
00:25:23,147 --> 00:25:24,924
And before Alexi, Alegorian.
366
00:25:25,024 --> 00:25:27,509
- And before Alegorian, Asimov...
- Okay!
367
00:25:27,609 --> 00:25:29,720
Wait! I'm still on the A's.
368
00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:32,548
- How many lovers do you have?
- In the midtown area?
369
00:25:33,190 --> 00:25:34,350
Oh, Sonja.
370
00:25:34,450 --> 00:25:37,099
Boris, my life is ruined. Over.
371
00:25:37,286 --> 00:25:40,189
I can't stand Voskovec!
372
00:25:40,289 --> 00:25:43,567
He's a man whose mentality
has reduced all the beauty of the world
373
00:25:43,667 --> 00:25:45,565
to a small pickled fish!
374
00:25:45,836 --> 00:25:48,948
Sonja, what you need is somebody
to take you away from Voskovec.
375
00:25:49,048 --> 00:25:51,408
Somebody who loves you,
somebody who's always loved you
376
00:25:51,508 --> 00:25:53,656
and who's always
cared for you very deeply.
377
00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:55,908
How is your brother, Ivan?
378
00:25:57,181 --> 00:26:00,542
Oh, Ivan's all right.
379
00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:03,420
- Yes? Ivan is well?
- You know Ivan is a tiger.
380
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,214
He went through basic training in
two weeks. They made him a major.
381
00:26:06,648 --> 00:26:09,593
- And does he ever speak of me?
- Sonja, he's busy.
382
00:26:09,693 --> 00:26:12,972
Well, he must! He must speak
of me sometimes. He must!
383
00:26:13,072 --> 00:26:15,382
Take it easy, will ya?
This is army property.
384
00:26:16,629 --> 00:26:19,687
Once he was sick. He was delirious.
He called your name out.
385
00:26:19,787 --> 00:26:21,810
Really? Then there's hope.
386
00:26:22,664 --> 00:26:26,235
Look, tomorrow my regiment pulls out.
We're going to the front.
387
00:26:26,335 --> 00:26:27,778
We're badly outnumbered by the French.
388
00:26:27,878 --> 00:26:30,572
There's very little chance that
any of us will ever come back.
389
00:26:30,672 --> 00:26:32,445
Exactly what did he say about me?
390
00:26:32,716 --> 00:26:34,238
Sonja!
391
00:26:34,343 --> 00:26:36,578
Oh, now where did you say
you were going?
392
00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:38,580
Oh, yes! Oh, yes, the war.
393
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,455
Well... dress warmly, Boris,
and have a nice time.
394
00:26:52,903 --> 00:26:56,640
The idea is not to panic and run.
Then they shoot you in the back.
395
00:26:56,740 --> 00:26:59,935
I don't want to be trampled by a horse.
What about you, Boris?
396
00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:02,730
Yeah, I want to be trampled by a horse.
I don't even want to fight.
397
00:27:02,830 --> 00:27:05,524
Think there's any difference whether
we live under the Czar or Napoleon?
398
00:27:05,624 --> 00:27:07,985
They're both crooks.
The Czar's a little taller.
399
00:27:08,085 --> 00:27:11,780
Boris, if you don't like Napoleon
and you don't like the Czar,
400
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,949
who do you think
should be running the country?
401
00:27:14,049 --> 00:27:16,785
- You really want to know? The serfs.
- Oh, the serfs?
402
00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:18,996
That's right. They're the only ones
who know how to do anything.
403
00:27:19,096 --> 00:27:20,914
If a fence needs putting up,
or a picture needs hanging,
404
00:27:21,014 --> 00:27:22,458
it's always the serfs.
405
00:27:22,558 --> 00:27:25,461
He wants the serfs to run the country!
406
00:27:25,561 --> 00:27:28,631
Why not the criminal element,
or the Jews?
407
00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:30,716
Some Jews are smart!
408
00:27:30,816 --> 00:27:33,510
Although I hear their women
don't believe in sex after marriage.
409
00:27:33,610 --> 00:27:35,804
- Are you married, Boris?
- Me? No.
410
00:27:35,904 --> 00:27:37,681
- You got a sweetheart?
- No, no.
411
00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:40,392
I'm in love with a girl.
She's married to someone.
412
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:42,644
And she's in love with someone,
and he's married.
413
00:27:42,744 --> 00:27:44,354
It's a real healthy situation.
414
00:27:44,454 --> 00:27:46,899
- Hey, look, Boris. Look, look.
- What do you got there?
415
00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:49,818
I got a lock of my wife's hair. Look.
416
00:27:49,918 --> 00:27:53,280
A lock of her hair? She...
She's probably running around bald!
417
00:27:53,380 --> 00:27:57,409
Don't drop it. Don't drop it.
You got a lock of your sweetheart's hair?
418
00:27:57,509 --> 00:27:59,995
No. My sweetheart's married.
I got a lock of her husband's hair.
419
00:28:00,095 --> 00:28:02,197
It's the best I could do.
420
00:28:06,518 --> 00:28:09,462
Boy, this... This army cooking
will get you every time.
421
00:28:09,938 --> 00:28:12,841
There's Visinksy!
He was from my village.
422
00:28:12,941 --> 00:28:14,635
He was the village idiot.
423
00:28:14,735 --> 00:28:16,011
Yeah. What did you do, place?
424
00:28:16,111 --> 00:28:18,213
Oh, God is testing us.
425
00:28:20,365 --> 00:28:23,218
If he's gonna test us,
why doesn't he give us a written?
426
00:29:00,197 --> 00:29:03,600
Wow! The battle looks completely different
when you're in the middle of it
427
00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:05,928
than it does to the generals
up on the hill.
428
00:29:28,809 --> 00:29:31,086
Hey, get your red hots.
429
00:29:31,186 --> 00:29:32,754
Yeah. You got anything to drink?
430
00:29:32,854 --> 00:29:35,257
Oh, no, the guy with the beer
will be around in a second.
431
00:29:35,357 --> 00:29:38,301
Hey, fella, you got something smaller?
I just started.
432
00:30:00,590 --> 00:30:03,118
We started the battle with 12,000 men.
433
00:30:03,218 --> 00:30:05,954
When it was over, we had 14 survivors.
434
00:30:06,054 --> 00:30:09,374
We got a message from the Czar saying,
"Keep up the good work."
435
00:30:09,474 --> 00:30:13,875
That night as I was burying bodies,
I had another mystical experience.
436
00:30:14,563 --> 00:30:16,757
Mercifully, God was on our side.
437
00:30:16,857 --> 00:30:19,134
Yeah. I'm sure things could
have gotten a lot worse if He wasn't.
438
00:30:19,234 --> 00:30:20,344
It might've rained.
439
00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:21,921
Grushenko.
440
00:30:22,654 --> 00:30:24,806
Vladimir Maximovitch, you're alive!
441
00:30:24,906 --> 00:30:26,849
No, I'm dead. Look at this hole.
442
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:30,349
- Oh... Does it hurt?
- I feel nothing.
443
00:30:30,746 --> 00:30:32,648
You don't look so bad
for a guy who's dead.
444
00:30:32,748 --> 00:30:35,525
Actually better than when you were alive.
I think it agrees with you.
445
00:30:35,625 --> 00:30:37,527
- Do me a favor.
- Sure, anything.
446
00:30:37,627 --> 00:30:39,154
This engagement ring.
447
00:30:39,254 --> 00:30:41,240
I was gonna give it to my girlfriend.
A surprise.
448
00:30:41,340 --> 00:30:44,284
- Oh, you want me to give it to her?
- No! What's the point?
449
00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:46,828
- Take it back to the jeweler's in Smolensk.
- Right.
450
00:30:46,928 --> 00:30:48,997
- Petroshkin. Vladimir Petroshkin.
- Okay.
451
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:50,874
Tell him I'm dead,
and get the deposit back.
452
00:30:50,974 --> 00:30:52,668
Oh, okay, sure.
What'd you give him for this?
453
00:30:52,768 --> 00:30:54,127
Sixteen hundred roubles.
454
00:30:54,227 --> 00:30:56,380
For this, you gave him 1,600 roubles?
455
00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:58,173
- Look, this is a diamond.
- I know.
456
00:30:58,273 --> 00:31:00,175
- Two little baguettes.
- This is insane.
457
00:31:00,275 --> 00:31:02,010
- I could have gotten you this ring for 1200.
- Not this.
458
00:31:02,110 --> 00:31:04,638
- Never... Never that ring.
- Same ring. The exact same ring.
459
00:31:04,738 --> 00:31:08,092
Never. Listen.
Anyway, listen, take the deposit,
460
00:31:08,867 --> 00:31:10,185
- go to Kiev.
- Right.
461
00:31:10,285 --> 00:31:12,854
Give it to a woman
named Natasha Petrovna.
462
00:31:12,954 --> 00:31:15,857
- Right. Okay.
- Get a receipt. Make sure you get a receipt.
463
00:31:15,957 --> 00:31:17,651
Why do you need a receipt? You're dead.
464
00:31:17,751 --> 00:31:20,900
- Tax purposes.
- Oh, good thinking.
465
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:25,659
- What happened?
- He was cleaning his pistol and it went off.
466
00:31:25,759 --> 00:31:29,079
- The bullet is lodged in his heart.
- Is it serious?
467
00:31:29,221 --> 00:31:32,621
With proper medical care,
he could last another 10 minutes.
468
00:31:35,185 --> 00:31:38,038
Why? Why were you cleaning your pistol?
469
00:31:39,064 --> 00:31:42,919
I was going to fight a duel
to defend your honor.
470
00:31:44,111 --> 00:31:48,057
A Turkish cavalry officer
cast aspersions on it.
471
00:31:48,490 --> 00:31:52,845
He said you were sleeping around.
I knew he was lying.
472
00:31:53,662 --> 00:31:55,397
That you were pure.
473
00:32:00,377 --> 00:32:01,903
Oi.
474
00:32:07,509 --> 00:32:09,536
Yes, well, Leonid,
475
00:32:09,636 --> 00:32:12,164
I know I could have been
a better wife to you.
476
00:32:12,264 --> 00:32:13,415
Kinder.
477
00:32:13,515 --> 00:32:17,119
I could have made love with you
more often, or once even.
478
00:32:17,853 --> 00:32:19,796
Once would have been nice.
479
00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:23,212
You were a kind and loving husband.
480
00:32:23,358 --> 00:32:26,177
Generous, and always considerate.
481
00:32:26,570 --> 00:32:28,343
What's he got? About eight minutes?
482
00:32:28,697 --> 00:32:31,300
I think I'm slow. He's got about three.
483
00:32:32,033 --> 00:32:34,306
Swimming out to the open sea,
484
00:32:35,078 --> 00:32:37,772
like the great, wild herring!
485
00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:44,233
I realize this must be
a great blow to you, Sonja.
486
00:32:45,005 --> 00:32:49,030
But you must not allow yourself
to be consumed with grief.
487
00:32:49,885 --> 00:32:51,612
The dead pass on.
488
00:32:52,554 --> 00:32:55,328
And life is for the living!
489
00:32:55,724 --> 00:32:58,828
I guess you're right.
Where do you want to eat?
490
00:32:59,603 --> 00:33:00,754
Let's go to Rykoff's.
491
00:33:00,854 --> 00:33:02,381
- No, no. Not Rykoff's.
- Why?
492
00:33:02,481 --> 00:33:05,634
I feel like meat. What do you get at Rykoff's,
maybe a cheese sandwich?
493
00:33:05,734 --> 00:33:07,677
- If it's not meat, it's nothing.
- It's not good for your health.
494
00:33:07,777 --> 00:33:11,765
There's a tavern at the edge of the square
makes a sausage that's wonderful.
495
00:33:11,865 --> 00:33:13,433
Meanwhile, the war continued.
496
00:33:13,909 --> 00:33:15,352
My regiment had been wiped out.
497
00:33:15,452 --> 00:33:18,351
And I found myself lost
behind enemy lines.
498
00:33:20,290 --> 00:33:23,519
I panicked and hid where I could.
Then I fainted.
499
00:33:24,961 --> 00:33:28,361
When I came to, I realized
I had made a terrible mistake.
500
00:34:05,752 --> 00:34:09,197
As fate would have it,
I landed on a group of French generals,
501
00:34:09,297 --> 00:34:12,534
causing their immediate surrender,
and making me a hero.
502
00:34:12,634 --> 00:34:14,953
My brother Ivan was not so lucky.
503
00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:16,913
He was a fatality of war,
504
00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:20,709
he had been bayonetted to death
by a Polish conscientious objector.
505
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:30,468
You're praying for Ivan?
506
00:34:30,652 --> 00:34:33,005
Yes. Your husband.
507
00:34:33,613 --> 00:34:35,715
I loved him, as you know.
508
00:34:36,491 --> 00:34:40,221
I wanted you to have
some of his possessions.
509
00:34:40,328 --> 00:34:41,725
How kind.
510
00:34:43,081 --> 00:34:47,152
I kept his sword and gold watch.
511
00:34:49,296 --> 00:34:50,739
But here.
512
00:34:51,548 --> 00:34:53,867
I'm giving you his moustache.
513
00:34:55,010 --> 00:34:56,737
I'll cherish it.
514
00:34:57,762 --> 00:35:01,116
Also, some string.
515
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:04,835
Ivan saved string.
516
00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:08,791
I know. It was one of the reasons
why I loved him.
517
00:35:09,816 --> 00:35:11,634
I understand that.
518
00:35:12,777 --> 00:35:15,221
I loved him for his string, too.
519
00:35:16,031 --> 00:35:17,974
Anything else for me?
520
00:35:19,868 --> 00:35:23,222
I thought we should divide his letters.
521
00:35:24,914 --> 00:35:27,563
Do you want the vowels
or the consonants?
522
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:29,151
His vowels.
523
00:35:29,544 --> 00:35:31,646
You keep the consonants.
524
00:35:33,089 --> 00:35:35,863
Life is unbearable.
525
00:35:36,885 --> 00:35:40,660
- So we meet again.
- Countess Alexandrovna.
526
00:35:42,390 --> 00:35:44,793
I wish there was some way
I could show you my gratitude
527
00:35:44,893 --> 00:35:46,210
for what you've done for Russia.
528
00:35:46,478 --> 00:35:48,330
I may be able to think of something.
529
00:35:48,563 --> 00:35:51,132
Maybe we could meet in my room
later this evening.
530
00:35:51,399 --> 00:35:53,677
As you wish. How's five minutes?
531
00:35:53,777 --> 00:35:56,096
Well, what have we here?
532
00:35:56,196 --> 00:35:57,931
Oh, still dating laughing boy?
533
00:35:58,031 --> 00:35:59,474
Back from the war, I see.
534
00:35:59,574 --> 00:36:02,519
Yes. I'd have stayed longer,
but they ran out of medals.
535
00:36:02,619 --> 00:36:05,855
I understand your heroism
was quite inadvertent.
536
00:36:06,595 --> 00:36:09,359
You should have such an inadvertent
heroism. That's telling him.
537
00:36:09,459 --> 00:36:12,279
Are you gonna waste your time
conversing with this strutting ass?
538
00:36:12,379 --> 00:36:14,155
Careful. I think it's a trick question.
539
00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:18,201
Fetch my carriage, Anton Inbedkov.
I'll join you momentarily.
540
00:36:19,552 --> 00:36:22,030
Nice seeing you again, Quasimodo.
541
00:36:22,347 --> 00:36:23,699
My room at midnight?
542
00:36:24,015 --> 00:36:27,127
- Perfect. Will you be there, too?
- Naturally.
543
00:36:27,227 --> 00:36:29,375
- Until midnight, then.
- Midnight.
544
00:36:31,773 --> 00:36:33,341
Make it a quarter to 12:00.
545
00:36:33,441 --> 00:36:35,010
- Midnight.
- Midnight. Of course.
546
00:36:35,110 --> 00:36:37,012
Boris, you hardly touched your blini.
547
00:36:37,112 --> 00:36:40,182
Oh, yes, well, I've been sick, you know.
548
00:36:43,976 --> 00:36:45,504
Come in.
549
00:36:54,087 --> 00:36:55,363
How do you like it?
550
00:36:56,231 --> 00:36:59,067
It's all right.
I prefer something sexy, but you...
551
00:37:00,427 --> 00:37:04,748
Would you like some wine?
Something to put you in the mood?
552
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:09,040
Oh, I've been in the mood
since the late 1700s.
553
00:37:10,019 --> 00:37:12,668
You're disgusting, but I love you.
554
00:37:13,189 --> 00:37:16,384
Well, my disgustingness
is my best feature.
555
00:37:18,570 --> 00:37:20,680
It must be lonely at the front.
556
00:37:20,780 --> 00:37:23,642
How long has it been
since you've made love to a woman?
557
00:37:23,742 --> 00:37:26,766
What's today? Monday, Tuesday...
558
00:37:27,162 --> 00:37:28,480
Yeah, two years.
559
00:37:28,580 --> 00:37:31,107
Two years. You remember how, of course.
560
00:37:31,207 --> 00:37:34,231
Well, if you start me,
it'll all come back.
561
00:37:38,715 --> 00:37:40,283
Remember that?
562
00:37:40,759 --> 00:37:42,827
Yes. That was just like kissing, right?
563
00:37:58,026 --> 00:38:00,879
You're the greatest lover I've ever had.
564
00:38:01,321 --> 00:38:04,140
Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.
565
00:38:13,875 --> 00:38:15,402
Shall we say pistols at dawn?
566
00:38:15,502 --> 00:38:16,736
Well, we can say it.
567
00:38:16,836 --> 00:38:18,113
I don't know what it means,
but we can say it.
568
00:38:18,213 --> 00:38:20,365
You have insulted the honor
of Countess Alexandrovna.
569
00:38:20,465 --> 00:38:21,991
Why? I let her finish first.
570
00:38:22,091 --> 00:38:25,453
- Her seconds will call on you.
- Seconds? I never gave her seconds.
571
00:38:25,553 --> 00:38:28,415
As her fiance,
my seconds will call on your seconds.
572
00:38:28,515 --> 00:38:31,251
Well, my seconds will be out.
Have them call on my thirds.
573
00:38:31,351 --> 00:38:33,829
If my thirds are out,
go directly to my fourths.
574
00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:38,550
Boris, he's serious.
You must meet him on the field of honor.
575
00:38:38,650 --> 00:38:41,553
I'm not gonna duel with him.
He's a marksman and a killer!
576
00:38:41,653 --> 00:38:45,181
- Your honor is at stake!
- Hey, what is this? "Slap Boris Day?"
577
00:38:45,281 --> 00:38:46,850
You are a war hero.
578
00:38:46,950 --> 00:38:49,894
Surely a duel with Anton Inbedkov
is nothing to fear.
579
00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:52,814
Look, I just don't want to waste
a good bullet, that's all.
580
00:38:52,914 --> 00:38:54,733
The kid's rash.
He doesn't know what he's saying.
581
00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:57,152
I'll drop by his house later,
give him a chance to apologize.
582
00:38:57,252 --> 00:38:59,354
If he doesn't, I'll move to Finland.
583
00:39:08,805 --> 00:39:09,998
- Guess who?
- Oh.
584
00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:13,460
Oh, I'd know those hands anywhere!
585
00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:15,378
It's Old Nehamkin!
586
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:18,882
- No! It's...
- Boris!
587
00:39:18,982 --> 00:39:22,093
- Yes. How are you? I brought you a present.
- Oh.
588
00:39:22,193 --> 00:39:23,595
What? Oh, what?
589
00:39:23,695 --> 00:39:25,054
You know those earrings
you always wanted?
590
00:39:25,154 --> 00:39:26,556
The long ones?
591
00:39:26,656 --> 00:39:28,683
Thank you, Cousin Boris.
592
00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:30,059
Twice removed.
593
00:39:30,159 --> 00:39:32,312
By tomorrow morning,
I may be removed completely.
594
00:39:32,412 --> 00:39:34,810
What is it? You look so worried.
595
00:39:35,874 --> 00:39:38,193
Sonja, are you scared of dying?
596
00:39:39,002 --> 00:39:41,446
"Scared" is the wrong word.
597
00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:43,398
I'm frightened of it.
598
00:39:44,549 --> 00:39:46,785
Interesting distinction.
599
00:39:47,484 --> 00:39:50,330
If only God would give me some sign!
600
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:53,041
If He would just speak to me once!
601
00:39:53,141 --> 00:39:57,496
Anything. One sentence. Two words.
If He would just cough.
602
00:39:57,812 --> 00:40:01,416
Of course there's a God!
We're made in His image.
603
00:40:02,317 --> 00:40:03,593
You think I was made in God's image?
604
00:40:03,693 --> 00:40:05,678
Take a look at me.
You think He wears glasses?
605
00:40:05,778 --> 00:40:07,630
Not with those frames.
606
00:40:08,197 --> 00:40:09,423
Nothingness.
607
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:12,768
Nonexistence.
608
00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:15,764
Black emptiness.
609
00:40:15,955 --> 00:40:17,482
What'd you say?
610
00:40:18,037 --> 00:40:20,235
I was just planning my future.
611
00:40:20,335 --> 00:40:22,779
Why are you so preoccupied with death?
612
00:40:23,046 --> 00:40:24,989
Sit down with me for a second.
613
00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:28,910
Sonja, tomorrow morning I'm gonna
fight a duel with Anton Inbedkov.
614
00:40:29,010 --> 00:40:33,164
He's much better than I am at it,
and I'll probably be killed.
615
00:40:33,264 --> 00:40:35,500
I wanted to take this time,
if I don't see you again,
616
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:38,086
- to say that I love you.
- Boris...
617
00:40:38,186 --> 00:40:39,754
I've always loved you
ever since we were kids.
618
00:40:39,854 --> 00:40:42,632
I was heartbroken when you loved Ivan,
but I still love you.
619
00:40:42,732 --> 00:40:44,509
Why didn't you say something?
620
00:40:44,609 --> 00:40:47,588
- Would it have mattered?
- Oh, of course not, darling.
621
00:40:48,196 --> 00:40:52,221
If by some miracle I'm not killed tomorrow,
would you marry me?
622
00:40:53,576 --> 00:40:55,303
What do you think the odds are?
623
00:40:56,420 --> 00:40:59,691
Going to die before the harvest!
624
00:41:00,208 --> 00:41:04,195
The crops, the grains,
fields of rippling wheat.
625
00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:07,865
Wheat. All there is in life is wheat!
626
00:41:08,216 --> 00:41:12,196
Sonja, here's your chance
to do something kind for a dying boy.
627
00:41:12,428 --> 00:41:17,083
But I don't really love Boris. I mean,
I love him, but I'm not in love with him.
628
00:41:17,183 --> 00:41:19,627
Oh, wheat, lots of wheat.
629
00:41:19,727 --> 00:41:23,081
Fields of wheat!
A tremendous amount of wheat!
630
00:41:23,231 --> 00:41:26,175
And yet he loves me,
and would make a devoted husband.
631
00:41:26,275 --> 00:41:28,219
Not too exciting, but devoted.
632
00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:31,222
We'd have a family. Maybe not
our own. We could rent one.
633
00:41:31,322 --> 00:41:35,017
I could learn to love him.
Me, Boris and six rented children.
634
00:41:35,329 --> 00:41:38,354
Or would I feel trapped?
Suffocated? Can't breathe!
635
00:41:38,454 --> 00:41:42,442
Open a window. No, no, no. Not that one.
The one in the bathroom.
636
00:41:42,542 --> 00:41:46,522
Yellow wheat, red wheat,
wheat with feathers, Cream of Wheat!
637
00:41:46,921 --> 00:41:49,282
Poor boy, dueling with Anton Inbedkov!
638
00:41:49,382 --> 00:41:50,491
By this time tomorrow morning,
639
00:41:50,591 --> 00:41:53,202
my beloved Cousin Boris
will look like a Swiss cheese.
640
00:41:53,302 --> 00:41:56,372
Promise him anything.
Make him happy for a night.
641
00:41:56,472 --> 00:42:00,209
Oh! Or would I feel trapped?
Suffocated? My youth gone!
642
00:42:00,309 --> 00:42:03,379
Living with a Swiss cheese
and rented children.
643
00:42:03,479 --> 00:42:07,049
Of course, I'll marry you, Boris.
It would be an honor for me.
644
00:42:11,946 --> 00:42:15,471
This Anton Inbedkov,
he is a good shot, isn't he?
645
00:42:15,783 --> 00:42:17,726
- I'm afraid so.
- Well...
646
00:42:18,119 --> 00:42:20,688
Since this may be
your last night on Earth,
647
00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:23,061
let's go back to my room and make love.
648
00:42:23,332 --> 00:42:25,730
Oh, nice idea.
649
00:42:25,835 --> 00:42:27,937
I'll bring the soy sauce.
650
00:43:00,328 --> 00:43:04,148
At last! You're late, Boris Grushenko.
We thought you weren't coming.
651
00:43:04,248 --> 00:43:08,194
- Well, I overslept.
- Can you be so relaxed and confident?
652
00:43:08,628 --> 00:43:11,322
You know, I hate to shoot anybody
before I've had my morning tea.
653
00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:13,241
I get a lot of bad mail from the serfs.
654
00:43:13,341 --> 00:43:15,952
I implore both of you,
come back to your senses.
655
00:43:16,052 --> 00:43:20,081
There is still time to call it off,
by mutual consent, with no loss of honor.
656
00:43:20,181 --> 00:43:22,875
Since you put it that way,
maybe I will hop back into bed.
657
00:43:22,975 --> 00:43:24,668
We'll do it now.
658
00:43:25,269 --> 00:43:26,671
And to the death.
659
00:43:26,771 --> 00:43:30,008
Oh, no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders.
660
00:43:30,108 --> 00:43:33,553
I have an ulcer condition, and dying
is one of the worst things for it.
661
00:43:33,653 --> 00:43:34,925
Begin!
662
00:43:36,864 --> 00:43:39,467
You have been challenged. Choose.
663
00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:40,926
Oh.
664
00:43:42,370 --> 00:43:43,642
Sure.
665
00:43:45,289 --> 00:43:46,561
Oh.
666
00:43:47,333 --> 00:43:48,985
All right. I'll take these.
667
00:43:49,085 --> 00:43:50,319
Just one.
668
00:43:50,419 --> 00:43:53,443
Oh, he gets one! That was silly.
669
00:43:54,382 --> 00:43:56,985
Starting back-to-back, on my signal,
670
00:43:57,260 --> 00:44:00,455
you will walk 10 paces, turn and fire.
671
00:44:01,556 --> 00:44:03,499
- Is that clear?
- Of course.
672
00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:05,327
Of course.
673
00:44:08,229 --> 00:44:11,082
Good luck. And God be with you both.
674
00:44:11,399 --> 00:44:13,001
You listening?
675
00:44:20,616 --> 00:44:22,684
One, two.
676
00:44:22,827 --> 00:44:25,350
Three, four, five,
677
00:44:25,913 --> 00:44:28,687
six, seven, eight,
678
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:30,727
nine, 10!
679
00:44:54,275 --> 00:44:57,174
Does this come out from
dry cleaning or is this like gravy?
680
00:44:57,445 --> 00:44:58,797
You must shoot.
681
00:44:59,238 --> 00:45:01,015
No, no, no. I don't wanna shoot.
682
00:45:01,115 --> 00:45:02,967
You must! It's the law.
683
00:45:04,619 --> 00:45:08,189
Well, if it's the law,
then I'll shoot in the air.
684
00:45:09,457 --> 00:45:11,810
There! I fulfilled my obligation.
685
00:45:18,174 --> 00:45:22,578
Boris Dimitrovitch,
I've learned a great lesson here today.
686
00:45:22,678 --> 00:45:23,704
Yes, me too.
687
00:45:23,804 --> 00:45:26,248
Never shoot up in the air
when you're standing under it.
688
00:45:26,432 --> 00:45:29,669
You could have killed me,
and you didn't!
689
00:45:29,769 --> 00:45:31,420
How can I ever repay you?
690
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:34,006
Well, you can start
by getting off my toe.
691
00:45:34,106 --> 00:45:35,879
Oh, I beg your pardon.
692
00:45:36,734 --> 00:45:40,263
Boris Dimitrovitch, from this day on,
I will lead a new life.
693
00:45:40,363 --> 00:45:42,306
I will modify my views.
694
00:45:42,531 --> 00:45:45,601
I will preach goodness.
Perhaps join the church.
695
00:45:45,701 --> 00:45:47,974
I will lead a righteous life.
696
00:45:48,412 --> 00:45:51,691
Devote myself, as I did
in my childhood, to my singing.
697
00:45:55,753 --> 00:45:59,115
He's got a great voice, hasn't he?
I should've shot him.
698
00:45:59,215 --> 00:46:01,534
So, Sonja and I married.
699
00:46:01,634 --> 00:46:05,079
I know pronounce you man and wife.
700
00:46:05,596 --> 00:46:06,747
Oh!
701
00:46:06,847 --> 00:46:08,449
I'm so happy!
702
00:46:08,975 --> 00:46:11,794
Look at the kid, she's so happy,
she's speechless.
703
00:46:11,894 --> 00:46:13,462
He missed.
704
00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:16,836
He missed it. He missed.
705
00:46:25,992 --> 00:46:26,976
I know what's bothering you.
706
00:46:27,076 --> 00:46:29,770
You're worried whether you're gonna
be a stimulating enough wife for me.
707
00:46:29,954 --> 00:46:33,774
Whether it's possible to live up to the
chores and obligations of married life.
708
00:46:33,874 --> 00:46:36,235
But it's gonna be a cinch. I promise.
709
00:46:36,335 --> 00:46:38,487
I have no bad habits at all.
710
00:46:38,587 --> 00:46:40,948
Granted, I have a few eccentricities.
711
00:46:41,048 --> 00:46:43,576
I won't eat any food that
begins with the letter "F,"
712
00:46:43,676 --> 00:46:45,077
like chicken for instance.
713
00:46:45,177 --> 00:46:47,747
Boris, I just don't love you.
714
00:46:47,847 --> 00:46:48,873
Oh, Sonja...
715
00:46:48,973 --> 00:46:52,168
Oh, I mean I love you,
but I'm not in love with you.
716
00:46:52,268 --> 00:46:54,503
Sonja, do you even know what love means?
717
00:46:54,603 --> 00:46:57,215
There are many different kinds
of love, Boris.
718
00:46:57,315 --> 00:46:59,967
There's love between a man and a woman,
719
00:47:00,067 --> 00:47:02,053
love between a mother and a son.
720
00:47:02,153 --> 00:47:04,263
Two women. Let's not forget my favorite.
721
00:47:04,363 --> 00:47:06,515
But then there's the love
I've always dreamed of
722
00:47:06,615 --> 00:47:09,060
- ever since I was a little girl.
- Yeah.
723
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:12,355
The love between
two extraordinary individuals.
724
00:47:12,580 --> 00:47:13,772
Sonja.
725
00:47:13,914 --> 00:47:15,982
Oh, don't, Boris. Please!
726
00:47:16,625 --> 00:47:19,399
Sex without love is an empty experience.
727
00:47:20,254 --> 00:47:24,109
Yes, but, as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best.
728
00:47:28,429 --> 00:47:31,032
At first, things were
a little tense between us.
729
00:47:32,475 --> 00:47:34,248
But after a while, she relaxed.
730
00:47:42,068 --> 00:47:43,886
Don't. Not here.
731
00:47:47,114 --> 00:47:49,642
Soon Sonja got more used to me.
732
00:47:49,742 --> 00:47:52,353
Sometimes she actually had fun.
733
00:47:52,453 --> 00:47:55,397
Like the time she baked
her first soufflé.
734
00:48:02,922 --> 00:48:04,156
Money was scarce,
735
00:48:04,256 --> 00:48:07,034
and Sonja learned to make
wonderful dishes out of snow.
736
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:08,995
Sweetheart, it looks
a little rare to me.
737
00:48:09,095 --> 00:48:10,997
Oh, I left it in the oven
for an hour-and-a-half.
738
00:48:11,097 --> 00:48:13,916
Did you? 'Cause it looks, you know,
it's all... What's for dessert?
739
00:48:14,016 --> 00:48:16,043
- A surprise, Boris.
- Yes, what?
740
00:48:16,143 --> 00:48:17,837
A nice, big bowl of sleet!
741
00:48:17,937 --> 00:48:20,961
Oh, sleet, my favorite!
That's wonderful.
742
00:48:21,774 --> 00:48:24,051
Evenings we played music together.
743
00:48:24,151 --> 00:48:26,754
And as time passed, I won her heart.
744
00:48:27,488 --> 00:48:30,967
Oh, Boris, I've never been
so happy in my entire life!
745
00:48:31,367 --> 00:48:35,021
I love you, Boris, in a deeper way
than I ever thought was possible.
746
00:48:35,121 --> 00:48:36,438
Really?
747
00:48:38,332 --> 00:48:40,318
I want to have children with you.
748
00:48:40,418 --> 00:48:42,395
- What kind?
- Little children.
749
00:48:42,670 --> 00:48:45,656
Of course!
The big ones are mentally slower.
750
00:48:45,756 --> 00:48:48,359
- I want to have three children.
- One of each.
751
00:48:48,676 --> 00:48:52,747
Oh, Boris... Boris, I'm actually happy.
752
00:48:53,013 --> 00:48:55,491
Well, I hate to say I told you so,
753
00:48:55,683 --> 00:48:58,161
but some men have it,
and some men don't.
754
00:48:58,436 --> 00:49:01,415
Fortunately, I have so much of it.
755
00:49:02,314 --> 00:49:05,714
Those next months
were the happiest time of my life.
756
00:49:14,285 --> 00:49:17,396
Then one day, at the height
of my sense of well-being,
757
00:49:17,496 --> 00:49:19,565
I suddenly and for no apparent reason
758
00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:22,610
was seized with an urge
to commit suicide.
759
00:49:22,710 --> 00:49:25,029
No. You're healthy.
You have a beautiful wife.
760
00:49:25,129 --> 00:49:26,739
Your work is going well.
761
00:49:26,839 --> 00:49:29,158
- I know, but something's missing.
- What?
762
00:49:29,258 --> 00:49:31,786
I don't know. I feel a void
at the center of my being.
763
00:49:31,886 --> 00:49:33,287
What kind of void?
764
00:49:33,387 --> 00:49:36,040
- Well, an empty void.
- Empty void?
765
00:49:36,140 --> 00:49:39,377
Yes. I felt a full void about a month ago,
but it was just something I ate.
766
00:49:39,477 --> 00:49:42,581
Maybe what you have
is a sickness of the soul.
767
00:49:43,731 --> 00:49:46,175
- Look! There's Death!
- What? Who?
768
00:49:46,567 --> 00:49:48,669
Death! He's got Krapotkin,
the wine merchant.
769
00:49:49,111 --> 00:49:51,339
- Really?
- Yeah, and a woman.
770
00:49:51,739 --> 00:49:53,724
Ooh, it's not Mrs. Krapotkin!
771
00:49:53,824 --> 00:49:55,226
- You're kidding?
- No.
772
00:49:55,326 --> 00:49:58,145
I always knew Krapotkin
was diddling somebody else.
773
00:49:58,621 --> 00:50:00,606
Where are you taking Krapotkin?
774
00:50:00,706 --> 00:50:02,566
Away. Forever.
775
00:50:02,666 --> 00:50:06,191
Listen, if you run into my wife,
tell her I'm with you.
776
00:50:06,420 --> 00:50:07,817
Goodbye, Krapotkin.
777
00:50:08,214 --> 00:50:09,907
If you get a chance, write.
778
00:50:13,135 --> 00:50:17,456
Father Andre, holiest of holies,
aged and wise,
779
00:50:17,598 --> 00:50:20,835
you are the most wrinkled man
in the entire country.
780
00:50:20,935 --> 00:50:24,164
Get off my beard, you little jerk!
781
00:50:24,980 --> 00:50:26,081
Oh.
782
00:50:26,232 --> 00:50:28,008
Rise, my child.
783
00:50:28,108 --> 00:50:30,552
- Rise!
- I'm standing.
784
00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:34,427
My eyesight is poor.
785
00:50:35,616 --> 00:50:37,685
Everyone says you're senile with age
786
00:50:37,785 --> 00:50:39,562
but you're the only one
that can help me.
787
00:50:39,662 --> 00:50:41,890
I don't think you're senile.
788
00:50:42,122 --> 00:50:45,977
- Where did you say the fish was caught?
- What fish?
789
00:50:46,502 --> 00:50:49,029
Didn't you say something about fish?
790
00:50:49,129 --> 00:50:52,574
Father, Boris is trying
to commit suicide!
791
00:50:52,967 --> 00:50:57,288
Last week he contemplated killing himself
by inhaling next to an Armenian.
792
00:50:57,388 --> 00:50:59,707
Tell Boris this.
793
00:51:00,599 --> 00:51:03,748
I have lived many years.
794
00:51:03,936 --> 00:51:09,884
And after many trials and tribulations,
795
00:51:10,150 --> 00:51:15,723
I have come to the conclusion
that the best thing is...
796
00:51:15,823 --> 00:51:16,970
Yes?
797
00:51:17,157 --> 00:51:21,933
- Blonde, 12-year-old girls!
- Father...
798
00:51:22,371 --> 00:51:25,357
Two of them, whenever possible.
799
00:51:25,457 --> 00:51:27,480
Father, I counted on you!
800
00:51:28,502 --> 00:51:30,275
I forgive you.
801
00:51:30,671 --> 00:51:32,031
I forgive you.
802
00:51:32,131 --> 00:51:34,950
Yes, thank you, thank you,
Your Grubbiness.
803
00:51:38,387 --> 00:51:40,331
As I dangled at the rope's end,
804
00:51:40,431 --> 00:51:42,533
I was suddenly seized
with an urge to live.
805
00:51:43,267 --> 00:51:45,252
All I could think of was Sonja.
806
00:51:45,352 --> 00:51:48,672
I wanted to hold her close to me,
weep tears on her shoulder
807
00:51:48,772 --> 00:51:50,795
and engage in oral sex.
808
00:51:51,066 --> 00:51:53,344
It was then
that I made the decision to live.
809
00:51:53,444 --> 00:51:55,797
To live and become a great poet.
810
00:51:56,196 --> 00:51:58,424
I should have been
811
00:51:58,949 --> 00:52:03,805
a pair of ragged claws
812
00:52:04,371 --> 00:52:07,816
scuttling across
813
00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:10,603
the floors
814
00:52:10,711 --> 00:52:13,655
of silent seas.
815
00:52:15,797 --> 00:52:17,280
Too sentimental!
816
00:52:19,762 --> 00:52:22,790
That winter, Sonja and I
had a wonderful time.
817
00:52:22,890 --> 00:52:26,168
We found a new friend,
Berdykov, the village idiot.
818
00:52:26,268 --> 00:52:30,422
Berdykov would sit smiling for days,
and stroke a little piece of velvet
819
00:52:30,522 --> 00:52:33,467
while Sonja would make him happy
by feeding him cookies.
820
00:52:33,567 --> 00:52:36,971
We looked forward to the spring
when we could have a child of our own.
821
00:52:37,071 --> 00:52:38,889
Little did we know.
822
00:52:39,448 --> 00:52:42,017
War! Napoleon has invaded Russia!
823
00:52:42,117 --> 00:52:44,015
It's war! War!
824
00:52:48,374 --> 00:52:51,819
Oh, what about all our plans?
We were gonna be parents this year.
825
00:52:51,919 --> 00:52:53,612
Well, there's gonna be
a slight change in our plans.
826
00:52:53,712 --> 00:52:55,698
Instead of parents,
we're gonna be refugees.
827
00:52:55,798 --> 00:52:57,400
Well, that's terrible!
828
00:52:57,716 --> 00:53:00,327
We have to take our possessions and flee.
I'm very good at that.
829
00:53:00,427 --> 00:53:03,831
I was the men's freestyle fleeing
champion two years in a row.
830
00:53:03,931 --> 00:53:06,458
Then we have to remember to burn
the food so the French don't get it.
831
00:53:06,558 --> 00:53:08,127
Although I know it's tough
to light borscht.
832
00:53:08,227 --> 00:53:09,378
- Boris.
- What?
833
00:53:09,478 --> 00:53:11,046
- I have an idea.
- What?
834
00:53:12,106 --> 00:53:14,379
Let's assassinate Napoleon.
835
00:53:15,025 --> 00:53:16,844
Yeah, interesting.
It's getting a little late.
836
00:53:16,944 --> 00:53:18,137
You want to start knitting dinner?
837
00:53:18,237 --> 00:53:20,681
- I'm serious.
- What do you mean you're serious?
838
00:53:20,781 --> 00:53:23,225
I mean, let's you and I kill Napoleon.
839
00:53:23,325 --> 00:53:26,520
Sonja, you been drinking from the glass
we use for the village idiot?
840
00:53:26,620 --> 00:53:28,564
It's the answer to all our problems.
841
00:53:28,664 --> 00:53:31,483
No, it's not the answer. It's an answer.
And it's the wrong answer.
842
00:53:31,583 --> 00:53:35,062
The correct answer is "flee."
F-L-E-A. Flee.
843
00:53:35,254 --> 00:53:36,947
No, no, the French occupy Moscow.
844
00:53:37,047 --> 00:53:38,866
- His headquarters are there.
- Sonja...
845
00:53:38,966 --> 00:53:41,410
Two innocent-looking types like us
could work our way in to see him,
846
00:53:41,510 --> 00:53:42,578
and then shoot him.
847
00:53:42,678 --> 00:53:45,289
Sonja, we'd never get near him.
If we did, we'd shoot and miss.
848
00:53:45,389 --> 00:53:47,374
He's a tough target. He's very small.
849
00:53:47,474 --> 00:53:50,294
Boris, it's our chance to perform
a truly heroic act!
850
00:53:50,394 --> 00:53:52,713
Since when is murder a heroic act?
851
00:53:52,813 --> 00:53:56,087
Violence is justified
in the service of mankind.
852
00:53:56,442 --> 00:53:58,886
- Who said that?
- Attila the Hun.
853
00:53:59,278 --> 00:54:01,096
You're quoting a Hun to me?
854
00:54:01,196 --> 00:54:04,391
Don't you know that murder carries
with it a moral imperative
855
00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:08,687
that transcends any notion
of the inherent universal free will?
856
00:54:08,829 --> 00:54:13,184
Oh, that is incredibly jejune!
857
00:54:14,752 --> 00:54:16,900
- That's jejune?
- Jejune!
858
00:54:17,045 --> 00:54:21,241
You have the temerity to say that
I'm talking to you out of jejune-osity?
859
00:54:21,341 --> 00:54:24,615
I'm one of the most "june" people
in all of the Russias!
860
00:54:24,762 --> 00:54:26,614
I have Ivan's old pistol!
861
00:54:27,014 --> 00:54:30,918
Sonja, political assassination doesn't work.
Violence leads to violence.
862
00:54:31,018 --> 00:54:33,587
He who lives by the sword,
dies by the sword.
863
00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:35,589
Well, I'm out of clichés now.
864
00:54:35,689 --> 00:54:37,591
What, are you suggesting
passive resistance?
865
00:54:37,691 --> 00:54:39,927
No, I'm suggesting active fleeing.
866
00:54:40,027 --> 00:54:41,679
You can't run away all your life.
867
00:54:41,779 --> 00:54:45,933
I know, but murder!
The most foul of all crimes.
868
00:54:46,033 --> 00:54:50,104
And, not abstract murder, shooting a rifle
at an unknown enemy on the battlefield,
869
00:54:50,204 --> 00:54:53,315
but standing in a closed room
with a live human being
870
00:54:53,415 --> 00:54:55,442
and pulling the trigger face-to-face
871
00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:58,362
and a famous human being,
a successful one,
872
00:54:58,462 --> 00:55:00,364
one who earns more than I do.
873
00:55:00,464 --> 00:55:03,367
My God, you figure Napoleon,
why he's gotta be good for
874
00:55:03,467 --> 00:55:06,036
10,000 francs a week, that's minimum!
That's minimum.
875
00:55:06,136 --> 00:55:08,789
That's without tips or extras.
Nothing like that.
876
00:55:08,889 --> 00:55:10,791
And me, what am I?
877
00:55:10,891 --> 00:55:14,420
He's a great man.
He thinks like the super man,
878
00:55:14,520 --> 00:55:17,214
and I'm just a worm, an insect.
879
00:55:17,314 --> 00:55:22,511
Some kind of crawling, disgusting,
creeping little vermin.
880
00:55:23,362 --> 00:55:26,598
- You know you can stop me.
- I will when I disagree.
881
00:55:26,698 --> 00:55:29,393
Oh, Sonja, who are we to kill somebody?
882
00:55:29,493 --> 00:55:33,522
Boris, for the first time in my life,
I feel free! Weightless!
883
00:55:33,622 --> 00:55:37,352
I have an exhilarating feeling
of human freedom!
884
00:55:37,709 --> 00:55:39,194
It's called the guillotine.
885
00:55:39,294 --> 00:55:40,404
Oh, look, Boris.
886
00:55:40,504 --> 00:55:44,616
Look, the soft golden dusk
is already transmogrifying itself
887
00:55:44,716 --> 00:55:47,293
into the blue star-sprinkled night.
888
00:55:48,428 --> 00:55:51,281
Careful, 'cause that gun may be loaded.
889
00:55:51,473 --> 00:55:54,042
Several days later,
we set out for Moscow.
890
00:55:54,142 --> 00:55:56,336
We took Berdykov with us part way.
891
00:55:56,436 --> 00:55:57,921
He was on his way to Minsk.
892
00:55:58,021 --> 00:55:59,965
There was a village idiots' convention
in Minsk,
893
00:56:00,065 --> 00:56:02,468
and Berdykov was planning to attend.
894
00:56:02,568 --> 00:56:05,592
Village idiots from all over Russia
were meeting there.
895
00:56:15,247 --> 00:56:18,358
We drove through
small villages and tiny hamlets.
896
00:56:18,458 --> 00:56:20,027
We had no great plan,
897
00:56:20,127 --> 00:56:23,614
but when we stopped at an inn
along the way, fate provided one.
898
00:56:34,266 --> 00:56:38,754
Pardon me, could you tell me
who those people are behind that screen?
899
00:56:38,854 --> 00:56:42,254
That's Don Francisco of Spain
and his sister.
900
00:56:42,482 --> 00:56:44,300
They're en route to meet Napoleon.
901
00:56:56,204 --> 00:56:58,272
Don Francisco, I presume.
902
00:56:58,540 --> 00:57:00,025
Do you know me, señor?
903
00:57:00,125 --> 00:57:03,195
Oh, let's just say your name
is legend in these parts.
904
00:57:03,712 --> 00:57:04,813
It is?
905
00:57:04,963 --> 00:57:09,034
Well, perhaps not legend,
but it never fails to get a big laugh.
906
00:57:09,176 --> 00:57:14,533
And you must be the Don's sister,
the noted Spanish countess and meeskeit.
907
00:57:14,723 --> 00:57:16,075
Who are you?
908
00:57:16,622 --> 00:57:20,295
Just a humble servant who wishes
to buy His Excellency a drink.
909
00:57:20,395 --> 00:57:22,463
Oh, I would be honored.
910
00:57:22,731 --> 00:57:27,344
Waiter, a bottle of your best red wine,
please, and two straws.
911
00:57:27,444 --> 00:57:28,921
Two straws!
912
00:57:29,529 --> 00:57:32,678
Word has it the Don
is en route to visit Napoleon.
913
00:57:34,159 --> 00:57:36,182
Word travels fast.
914
00:57:37,079 --> 00:57:40,103
Not as fast as good news.
915
00:57:40,624 --> 00:57:43,398
No news is good news.
916
00:57:43,710 --> 00:57:47,030
Here today, gone tomorrow.
917
00:57:47,965 --> 00:57:51,368
You can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make him drink.
918
00:57:51,468 --> 00:57:52,870
Your turn.
919
00:57:52,970 --> 00:57:55,372
We would invite you to join us
920
00:57:55,472 --> 00:57:59,209
but the difference in social rank
and wealth, it makes it silly.
921
00:57:59,309 --> 00:58:03,414
Oh, yes, I threw this on.
It's a knockdown.
922
00:58:03,814 --> 00:58:06,463
You guys know Napoleon or what?
923
00:58:06,858 --> 00:58:07,926
Hardly.
924
00:58:11,488 --> 00:58:13,181
A joke, Your Nothingness?
925
00:58:13,615 --> 00:58:16,977
We are friends with his brother,
who is arranging the affairs of Spain,
926
00:58:17,077 --> 00:58:20,852
but this is our first meeting
with the great Emperor.
927
00:58:23,959 --> 00:58:25,606
That's all I wanted to know.
928
00:58:28,422 --> 00:58:31,366
- Don Francisco?
- Pardon me?
929
00:58:31,550 --> 00:58:34,699
I'm having trouble adjusting my belt.
930
00:58:35,095 --> 00:58:38,415
You think you could come over here
and hold my... bosom for a while?
931
00:58:40,100 --> 00:58:41,452
Of course, señorita.
932
00:59:24,644 --> 00:59:28,123
No, no, no. It's not what I had in mind!
933
00:59:28,690 --> 00:59:30,884
It should have more cream
between the crust,
934
00:59:30,984 --> 00:59:32,586
and no raisins!
935
00:59:32,694 --> 00:59:35,798
- But at our last meeting, you said raisins.
- No!
936
00:59:36,656 --> 00:59:40,102
If this pastry is to bear my name,
it must be richer.
937
00:59:40,202 --> 00:59:41,599
More cream.
938
00:59:41,912 --> 00:59:44,439
- Is there time?
- Very little.
939
00:59:44,539 --> 00:59:47,275
My spies tell me that
my illustrious British enemy
940
00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:52,356
is working on a new meat recipe
which he plans to call Beef Wellington.
941
00:59:53,131 --> 00:59:55,075
It will never get off the ground.
942
00:59:55,175 --> 00:59:59,280
We must develop the Napoleon
before he develops Beef Wellington.
943
01:00:00,847 --> 01:00:03,791
The future of Europe
hangs in the balance.
944
01:00:04,017 --> 01:00:05,915
Yes, Your Highness.
945
01:00:07,104 --> 01:00:09,252
We must see you, Your Highness.
946
01:00:10,190 --> 01:00:13,051
We have reason to believe that
there is a plot to take your life.
947
01:00:14,653 --> 01:00:19,182
That's why we've made up an obscure
private from the ranks to look like you.
948
01:00:19,282 --> 01:00:21,976
- Look.
- How do you do, Your Highness?
949
01:00:23,078 --> 01:00:24,646
He looks like me?
950
01:00:24,746 --> 01:00:27,315
You're seeing him without his rug.
951
01:00:33,797 --> 01:00:35,032
Come.
952
01:00:35,132 --> 01:00:37,906
Just let me get this on, Your Highness.
953
01:00:39,052 --> 01:00:41,280
And now, I take your place.
954
01:00:43,390 --> 01:00:47,620
I will teach you to walk like me.
I have a great walk.
955
01:00:49,771 --> 01:00:54,468
With the Emperor out of the way,
all that remains is to kill Don Francisco.
956
01:00:55,318 --> 01:01:00,015
That will destroy His Highness's
stupid dreams of a treaty with Spain.
957
01:01:01,324 --> 01:01:07,181
Then I'll sail to Austria
and form an alliance with the crown.
958
01:01:07,581 --> 01:01:10,355
Not the king, just the crown.
959
01:01:11,918 --> 01:01:13,612
They call me mad,
960
01:01:13,712 --> 01:01:17,032
but one day
when the history of France is written,
961
01:01:17,215 --> 01:01:19,693
they will mark my name well.
962
01:01:20,760 --> 01:01:22,533
Sidney Applebaum!
963
01:01:36,359 --> 01:01:38,632
We're here to see the Emperor.
964
01:01:39,154 --> 01:01:40,722
Who is calling?
965
01:01:46,453 --> 01:01:49,314
- Who? Oh, that's droll!
- Droll, yes.
966
01:01:49,414 --> 01:01:53,693
Apparently, he's not familiar with the list
of the 100 most important "Spanishers."
967
01:01:53,793 --> 01:01:56,947
Yes! It is only Don Francisco
and his sister.
968
01:01:57,047 --> 01:01:58,740
Yes, the "Donessa."
969
01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:00,742
Yes. We have an appointment
with Napoleon.
970
01:02:00,842 --> 01:02:04,246
Right. Napoleon Bonaparte,
the noted international tyrant.
971
01:02:04,346 --> 01:02:08,208
- You? You are Don Francisco and his sister?
- Oh, for sure.
972
01:02:08,308 --> 01:02:11,211
- Well, we've had a long, a hot journey.
- A hot journey.
973
01:02:11,311 --> 01:02:12,504
And our throats are parched.
974
01:02:12,604 --> 01:02:13,922
They're parched.
Our throats, they're parched.
975
01:02:14,022 --> 01:02:16,758
- Parched! We seek succor. Succor! Succor!
- Yes. Succor! Succor!
976
01:02:16,858 --> 01:02:19,461
Yes, is succor here by any chance?
977
01:02:19,986 --> 01:02:21,930
I never knew your name, madam.
978
01:02:22,030 --> 01:02:26,560
Oh... the boys usually
just call me Juanita.
979
01:02:26,660 --> 01:02:27,761
Juanita.
980
01:02:27,994 --> 01:02:30,522
Juanita.
981
01:02:31,294 --> 01:02:34,985
Juanita. The Emperor is a man who
appreciates magnificent women.
982
01:02:35,085 --> 01:02:36,736
He'll be much taken with you.
983
01:02:36,836 --> 01:02:38,405
Good! I wore my flats.
984
01:02:38,505 --> 01:02:42,159
We are of course all most anxious
to hear your proposal for a treaty.
985
01:02:42,259 --> 01:02:44,911
Oh, good.
Yes, I've given it a lot of thought
986
01:02:45,011 --> 01:02:46,913
and I've come up
with all the little details, you know.
987
01:02:47,013 --> 01:02:50,208
Now if I can just think of
the main points, we got something.
988
01:02:50,308 --> 01:02:53,128
Well, there is no time for business.
You've had a wearing journey.
989
01:02:53,228 --> 01:02:55,505
Yes, well, we should say
hello to the Emperor.
990
01:02:55,605 --> 01:02:57,757
That's right.
Shorts gets touchy if we bypass him.
991
01:02:57,857 --> 01:02:59,176
There will be time for that later.
992
01:02:59,276 --> 01:03:00,760
First, you'll be shown your quarters
993
01:03:00,860 --> 01:03:03,805
and wined and dined in a manner
befitting Spanish nobility.
994
01:03:03,905 --> 01:03:06,183
Oh, wonderful!
But go easy on the champagne.
995
01:03:06,283 --> 01:03:07,642
The Donessa has gout.
996
01:03:07,742 --> 01:03:10,937
Well, if you'll proceed,
your needs will be attended to.
997
01:03:11,037 --> 01:03:12,480
Oh, thank you.
998
01:03:13,665 --> 01:03:15,442
While you're here with your sister,
999
01:03:15,542 --> 01:03:18,111
should you desire
a little blonde French love dream
1000
01:03:18,211 --> 01:03:20,697
to be sent to your room,
it will be arranged.
1001
01:03:20,797 --> 01:03:24,576
Good, good. Maybe I'll have two
to keep the symmetry perfect.
1002
01:03:24,676 --> 01:03:26,244
I prefer two myself!
1003
01:03:26,344 --> 01:03:29,539
I prefer three,
but it's hard enough to get one.
1004
01:03:40,108 --> 01:03:42,719
This room big enough for you?
Or would you prefer a suite?
1005
01:03:42,819 --> 01:03:44,429
Boris... Boris, I'm scared.
1006
01:03:44,529 --> 01:03:46,431
You're scared?
I'm growing a beak and feathers.
1007
01:03:46,531 --> 01:03:49,100
- What are we gonna do?
- I say we get out of here now!
1008
01:03:49,200 --> 01:03:52,520
I'm not leaving here
until we shoot Napoleon. Here.
1009
01:03:52,620 --> 01:03:54,731
Oh, I see. Thanks! I'm the hitman.
1010
01:03:54,831 --> 01:03:57,943
Remember. You can't take any chances.
1011
01:03:58,043 --> 01:04:03,491
Now make sure the barrel of the gun
is pressed against his head or his chest.
1012
01:04:03,882 --> 01:04:07,327
And don't pull the trigger, Boris.
Squeeze it.
1013
01:04:08,345 --> 01:04:11,206
Hey, where did you go to finishing school?
On a pirate ship?
1014
01:04:11,306 --> 01:04:13,667
Let's just make sure
our plans are straight.
1015
01:04:13,767 --> 01:04:14,751
Okay, here's one.
1016
01:04:14,851 --> 01:04:17,379
You flirt with him,
bring him back here after dinner,
1017
01:04:17,479 --> 01:04:20,507
lull him into a state of satisfaction,
and I'll shoot him.
1018
01:04:20,607 --> 01:04:24,007
"I'll shoot him."
Can you believe I'm talking like this?
1019
01:04:26,863 --> 01:04:30,183
Yes! Yes, Spain is quite warm
this time of year.
1020
01:04:30,283 --> 01:04:32,394
Barcelona is warmer than Madrid,
1021
01:04:32,494 --> 01:04:37,725
but then, the people are so different,
the Barcelonians and the Madridniks.
1022
01:04:37,957 --> 01:04:41,561
Are all the ladies in Spain,
as beautiful as you are, madam?
1023
01:04:41,661 --> 01:04:44,823
Oh, well, not all.
You've gotta have some beasts.
1024
01:04:45,665 --> 01:04:47,701
Oh, General! Do excuse me, madam.
1025
01:04:47,801 --> 01:04:50,203
Oh, yes, yes.
1026
01:04:50,303 --> 01:04:52,414
Take it easy, will you?
You're making a fool of yourself.
1027
01:04:52,514 --> 01:04:54,082
- Hey, this is good champagne.
- Yeah?
1028
01:04:54,182 --> 01:04:56,376
Have you had enough,
or are you gonna drink another case?
1029
01:04:56,476 --> 01:04:58,420
I'll be fine.
All I need is a few solids.
1030
01:04:58,520 --> 01:05:00,588
A few solids?
You should drink a blotter!
1031
01:05:00,688 --> 01:05:04,342
Oh, I believe I had the pleasure
of meeting your sister once.
1032
01:05:04,442 --> 01:05:06,253
My sister? Which one?
1033
01:05:06,653 --> 01:05:09,639
- I thought you only had one.
- One? One? No.
1034
01:05:09,739 --> 01:05:13,143
Oh, no, no. Actually, well,
I have a half-sister.
1035
01:05:13,243 --> 01:05:14,477
Well, no, not exactly half.
1036
01:05:14,577 --> 01:05:16,896
- It's two-fifths.
- Oh.
1037
01:05:16,996 --> 01:05:18,690
Ladies and gentlemen,
1038
01:05:18,790 --> 01:05:22,611
His Imperial Highness,
the Emperor Napoleon.
1039
01:05:33,179 --> 01:05:34,622
So you are Don Francisco!
1040
01:05:34,722 --> 01:05:36,916
Yes, I have regards
from your brother in Spain.
1041
01:05:37,016 --> 01:05:38,668
Says you went away,
you don't write, nothing.
1042
01:05:38,768 --> 01:05:40,545
Comes a Friday night,
he never hears from you.
1043
01:05:40,645 --> 01:05:42,589
You took his razor,
you never returned it.
1044
01:05:42,689 --> 01:05:45,425
- This is an honor for me.
- No, it's a greater honor for me.
1045
01:05:45,525 --> 01:05:48,428
- No, a greater honor for me.
- No, it's a greater honor for me.
1046
01:05:48,528 --> 01:05:49,929
No, a greater honor for me.
1047
01:05:50,029 --> 01:05:52,265
Well, perhaps you are right.
Perhaps it is a greater honor for you.
1048
01:05:52,365 --> 01:05:54,184
And you must be Don Francisco's sister.
1049
01:05:54,284 --> 01:06:00,106
No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.
1050
01:06:00,206 --> 01:06:01,649
No, it's a greater honor for me.
1051
01:06:01,749 --> 01:06:04,361
I see our Spanish guests
have a sense of humor.
1052
01:06:04,461 --> 01:06:06,988
- Yeah, she's a great kidder.
- No, you're a great kidder.
1053
01:06:07,088 --> 01:06:08,865
No, you're Don Francisco's sister.
1054
01:06:08,965 --> 01:06:11,614
- Shall we dine?
- Oh, can we eat first?
1055
01:06:21,561 --> 01:06:26,087
Your sister and His Highness
seem to be getting along quite well.
1056
01:06:26,483 --> 01:06:28,259
Do you find me attractive as a man?
1057
01:06:28,359 --> 01:06:30,928
Yes! I think that's your best bet.
1058
01:06:31,237 --> 01:06:34,849
How much of your feelings for me are
because I've conquered half of Europe?
1059
01:06:34,949 --> 01:06:37,227
Oh, I'd say half my feelings.
It evens out.
1060
01:06:37,327 --> 01:06:40,313
I wonder if you should be
more difficult to conquer than Russia?
1061
01:06:40,413 --> 01:06:41,981
Well, I weigh less.
1062
01:06:42,081 --> 01:06:43,733
I'll go to your room after dinner.
1063
01:06:43,833 --> 01:06:45,731
Good. I'll go to yours.
1064
01:06:53,510 --> 01:06:54,862
Come in.
1065
01:06:57,096 --> 01:07:01,000
Sonja... Sonja, I've been thinking
about this. It's murder!
1066
01:07:01,100 --> 01:07:04,170
What if everybody acted like this?
It'd be a world full of murderers!
1067
01:07:04,270 --> 01:07:05,839
You know what that would do
to property values?
1068
01:07:05,939 --> 01:07:08,508
I know! And if everybody went
to the same restaurant
1069
01:07:08,608 --> 01:07:10,176
on the same evening
and ordered blintzes,
1070
01:07:10,276 --> 01:07:12,637
there'd be chaos, but they don't.
1071
01:07:12,737 --> 01:07:15,098
I'm telling her murder,
and she's telling me blintzes.
1072
01:07:15,198 --> 01:07:17,934
Hey, you said yourself,
there is no right or wrong.
1073
01:07:18,034 --> 01:07:22,640
- It's what you choose!
- That's right, and I choose danger!
1074
01:07:22,789 --> 01:07:25,984
- Oh, really?
- No, but it did sounded great.
1075
01:07:26,876 --> 01:07:30,405
Oh, Boris,
if only we could be children again.
1076
01:07:30,505 --> 01:07:32,573
Yeah, I know.
Preferably French children.
1077
01:07:33,299 --> 01:07:37,537
Do you know the only truly happy person
I know is Berdykov, the village idiot?
1078
01:07:37,637 --> 01:07:40,290
Well, it's easy to be happy,
you know, if your one concern in life
1079
01:07:40,390 --> 01:07:42,500
is figuring out how much
saliva to dribble.
1080
01:07:42,600 --> 01:07:43,877
Kiss me!
1081
01:07:43,977 --> 01:07:46,254
- Which one do you want?
- Give me a number eight.
1082
01:07:46,354 --> 01:07:49,708
Number eight. That's two fours.
Oh, that's an easy one.
1083
01:07:52,986 --> 01:07:54,387
Oh, coming!
1084
01:07:54,487 --> 01:07:56,110
Coming.
1085
01:08:10,003 --> 01:08:11,279
- Are you alone?
- Of course.
1086
01:08:11,379 --> 01:08:13,781
- I thought I heard voices.
- I was praying.
1087
01:08:13,881 --> 01:08:16,743
- I heard two voices.
- Oh, I do both parts.
1088
01:08:16,843 --> 01:08:20,573
- Champagne! From France.
- Oh.
1089
01:08:21,389 --> 01:08:23,787
I see you brought the whole kit.
1090
01:08:38,948 --> 01:08:41,892
- To your eyes.
- To the bridge of your nose.
1091
01:08:44,871 --> 01:08:48,942
My lust knows no bounds.
Shall we, to the bed?
1092
01:08:49,083 --> 01:08:50,480
Shall we what to the bed?
1093
01:08:51,419 --> 01:08:53,146
Forgive my haste.
1094
01:08:53,504 --> 01:08:58,280
We have always heard
that Spanish blood is the hottest.
1095
01:08:58,426 --> 01:09:01,287
- I had mine cooled for the summer.
- You may set the pace.
1096
01:09:01,387 --> 01:09:02,497
Good, good!
1097
01:09:02,597 --> 01:09:05,458
Why don't we just sit a while
and build slowly?
1098
01:09:05,558 --> 01:09:06,834
You don't wanna peak too early.
1099
01:09:06,934 --> 01:09:08,795
You'll be back in your room
before midnight.
1100
01:09:08,895 --> 01:09:10,588
You are a temptress.
1101
01:09:10,688 --> 01:09:12,632
Oh, please, Excellency.
1102
01:09:12,732 --> 01:09:16,302
- Call me Napoleon.
- Good! You can call me Napoleon, too.
1103
01:09:16,402 --> 01:09:18,346
I've never met a woman like you.
1104
01:09:18,446 --> 01:09:22,849
I could rest my head on your shoulder
like this forever.
1105
01:09:22,949 --> 01:09:26,437
Yes, it sounds like it'd be fun
except for the grease mark.
1106
01:09:26,537 --> 01:09:28,059
His Excellency.
1107
01:09:35,963 --> 01:09:37,532
- What's that?
- Oh, just a breeze.
1108
01:09:37,632 --> 01:09:39,534
- Breeze?
- A breeze with mice.
1109
01:09:39,634 --> 01:09:41,327
Mice! What's the difference?
1110
01:09:41,427 --> 01:09:44,289
If I had a woman like you
instead of my wife,
1111
01:09:44,389 --> 01:09:46,867
I would conquer all of Europe.
1112
01:09:48,226 --> 01:09:50,253
- What's that?
- What... Oh, that?
1113
01:09:50,353 --> 01:09:53,172
I think that was just
the old closet door slamming shut.
1114
01:09:53,272 --> 01:09:54,382
One can't be too careful.
1115
01:09:54,482 --> 01:09:56,843
The Russian underground
would love me dead.
1116
01:09:56,943 --> 01:09:59,922
I take a great chance
in an occupied territory.
1117
01:10:00,113 --> 01:10:02,056
Assassins surround me.
1118
01:10:02,156 --> 01:10:05,935
Every day is another encounter
with death.
1119
01:10:06,035 --> 01:10:10,231
Oh, yes, well, this is the price
one pays for political power.
1120
01:10:10,331 --> 01:10:12,609
Yes, life at the top is hell.
1121
01:10:12,709 --> 01:10:15,194
Which is why I relish
every minute with you.
1122
01:10:15,294 --> 01:10:18,318
Every second means something to me.
1123
01:10:18,423 --> 01:10:20,366
That's why the sooner we...
1124
01:10:20,466 --> 01:10:24,537
The sooner we consummate
the act of love the happier I will be.
1125
01:10:24,637 --> 01:10:28,241
- Oh! Go ahead!
- I can't!
1126
01:10:28,474 --> 01:10:30,293
- Don Francisco!
- Shoot!
1127
01:10:30,393 --> 01:10:32,920
Put down that pistol. She's over 18.
1128
01:10:33,020 --> 01:10:35,590
You're a tyrant and a dictator,
and you start wars!
1129
01:10:35,690 --> 01:10:37,383
Why is he reciting my credits?
1130
01:10:37,483 --> 01:10:38,551
- Kill him!
- Guards!
1131
01:10:38,651 --> 01:10:39,886
No!
1132
01:10:45,908 --> 01:10:48,269
Boris, we're not here on a vacation!
1133
01:10:48,369 --> 01:10:50,563
Well, I can't shoot him.
He's a live human being.
1134
01:10:50,663 --> 01:10:51,731
He'll bleed on the carpet.
1135
01:10:51,831 --> 01:10:53,274
Give me that gun!
1136
01:10:53,958 --> 01:10:56,732
- Oh!
- See? It's not so easy.
1137
01:10:58,045 --> 01:11:02,116
- Why? Why can't I do it?
- Because it's morally wrong!
1138
01:11:02,216 --> 01:11:04,118
Oh, I see.
Well, can you define your terms?
1139
01:11:04,218 --> 01:11:05,912
Yes, there's a moral imperative
involved here.
1140
01:11:06,012 --> 01:11:07,413
Yeah, where...
Where's the moral imperative?
1141
01:11:07,513 --> 01:11:09,791
Don't you see? By killing Napoleon,
you're actually killing yourself
1142
01:11:09,891 --> 01:11:12,919
because we were involved
in a kind of total absolute.
1143
01:11:13,019 --> 01:11:15,922
Oh, come on, this isn't a total absolute.
You're being pantheistic again.
1144
01:11:16,022 --> 01:11:17,965
- How is that pantheistic?
- Come on!
1145
01:11:18,065 --> 01:11:21,135
We all relate universally to a giant oneness.
1146
01:11:21,235 --> 01:11:24,747
Oh, you wanna hit him? He's coming
to again. Just give him a little shot.
1147
01:11:24,847 --> 01:11:27,517
Yeah, good. You see, we're dealing
with an ethical question here.
1148
01:11:27,617 --> 01:11:30,269
Oh, come on, Boris! You're not
gonna quote Thomas Aquinas again.
1149
01:11:30,369 --> 01:11:32,397
Absolutely, where he said,
"You must never kill a man
1150
01:11:32,497 --> 01:11:34,065
"particularly if it means
taking his life."
1151
01:11:38,878 --> 01:11:40,863
- What's the matter?
- Don't you see?
1152
01:11:40,963 --> 01:11:43,574
And if we don't stop him,
he'll burn down half of Europe!
1153
01:11:43,674 --> 01:11:46,494
Well, maybe we'll get lucky, and he'll
do the half with our landlord in it.
1154
01:11:46,594 --> 01:11:48,996
- Boris! For our children.
- We don't have children.
1155
01:11:49,096 --> 01:11:51,082
- Then for our parents.
- They don't have children, either.
1156
01:11:51,182 --> 01:11:52,625
Well, I'm going back
and I'm gonna kill him!
1157
01:11:52,725 --> 01:11:53,751
- Sonja!
- I am.
1158
01:11:53,851 --> 01:11:55,002
No!
1159
01:11:55,102 --> 01:11:58,547
All right. Look. Pull the carriage
out front. I'll go kill him.
1160
01:12:06,572 --> 01:12:07,807
Look at him.
1161
01:12:07,907 --> 01:12:10,886
If I don't kill him,
he'll make war all through Europe.
1162
01:12:11,619 --> 01:12:13,221
But murder.
1163
01:12:13,704 --> 01:12:15,806
What would Socrates say?
1164
01:12:16,541 --> 01:12:19,064
All those Greeks were homosexuals.
1165
01:12:19,418 --> 01:12:22,021
Boy, they must've had some wild parties.
1166
01:12:22,255 --> 01:12:25,700
I bet they all took a house together
on Crete for the summer.
1167
01:12:25,925 --> 01:12:28,369
A, Socrates is a man.
1168
01:12:28,511 --> 01:12:30,830
B, all men are mortal.
1169
01:12:31,097 --> 01:12:33,541
C, all men are Socrates.
1170
01:12:34,225 --> 01:12:36,828
That means all men are homosexuals.
1171
01:12:36,936 --> 01:12:39,038
Oh, I'm not a homosexual.
1172
01:12:40,105 --> 01:12:42,633
Once, some Cossacks whistled at me.
1173
01:12:42,733 --> 01:12:47,847
I happen to have the kind of body
that excites both persuasions.
1174
01:12:47,947 --> 01:12:50,767
But... you know,
some men are heterosexual
1175
01:12:50,867 --> 01:12:53,140
and some men are bisexual
1176
01:12:53,452 --> 01:12:58,399
and some men don't think about sex
at all, you know. They become lawyers.
1177
01:12:58,875 --> 01:13:01,694
My problem is that
I see both sides of every issue.
1178
01:13:01,794 --> 01:13:03,362
I'm too logical.
1179
01:13:03,462 --> 01:13:04,697
You know, I...
1180
01:13:04,797 --> 01:13:07,033
The world is not logical.
1181
01:13:07,133 --> 01:13:11,162
If it was logical, how would Old Nehamkin
be younger than Young Nehamkin?
1182
01:13:11,262 --> 01:13:14,123
I knew there was something crazy
about that when I was a kid
1183
01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:17,452
but every time I said something,
they'd smack me, so, you know...
1184
01:13:17,602 --> 01:13:23,549
I'm just racked with guilt
and I'm consumed with remorse
1185
01:13:23,649 --> 01:13:27,094
and stricken with suffering
for the human race.
1186
01:13:27,194 --> 01:13:31,140
Not only that, but I'm developing
a herpes on my lip here
1187
01:13:31,240 --> 01:13:32,892
that is really killing me.
1188
01:13:34,660 --> 01:13:36,262
Oh, what to do!
1189
01:13:51,427 --> 01:13:55,331
Arrest this man for murder!
Fortunately, he only killed an impostor.
1190
01:13:55,431 --> 01:13:58,209
I didn't do anything.
Hey, take it easy, will you?
1191
01:13:58,309 --> 01:14:00,377
You're bending my throat.
1192
01:14:00,603 --> 01:14:02,964
The Spanish government
will hear about this!
1193
01:14:03,064 --> 01:14:06,092
Don Francisco is not a man
who takes these things lightly.
1194
01:14:06,192 --> 01:14:11,799
Oh, there's Don Francisco now.
There's been a mistake. I know. I made it.
1195
01:14:12,198 --> 01:14:15,810
By some miracle, Sonja managed
to elude the French and escape.
1196
01:14:15,910 --> 01:14:19,939
I, with my usual good luck, got thrown
in a damp cell to await execution,
1197
01:14:20,039 --> 01:14:21,816
my favorite pastime.
1198
01:14:21,916 --> 01:14:25,816
Fortunately, it was a French jail,
so the food was not bad.
1199
01:14:27,213 --> 01:14:29,031
My family was allowed to visit me.
1200
01:14:29,131 --> 01:14:32,451
Remember that nice boy next door?
Raskolnikov?
1201
01:14:32,551 --> 01:14:35,074
- Yeah.
- He killed two ladies.
1202
01:14:35,304 --> 01:14:37,373
No! What a nasty story.
1203
01:14:37,473 --> 01:14:38,958
Bobick told it to me.
1204
01:14:39,058 --> 01:14:41,627
He heard it from
one of the Karamazov brothers.
1205
01:14:41,727 --> 01:14:43,462
Oh, he must have been possessed.
1206
01:14:43,562 --> 01:14:47,258
- Well, he was a raw youth.
- Raw youth? He was an idiot.
1207
01:14:47,358 --> 01:14:49,510
And he acted insulted and injured!
1208
01:14:49,610 --> 01:14:51,637
Well, I hear he was a gambler.
1209
01:14:51,737 --> 01:14:56,138
- You know, he could be your double!
- Oh, really? How novel.
1210
01:14:56,659 --> 01:15:02,648
Son, for long years, I have
saved this piece of land for you.
1211
01:15:02,748 --> 01:15:04,650
Look. It has a house on it.
1212
01:15:04,750 --> 01:15:09,026
It's a nice little house, too.
You haven't wasted your life, I see.
1213
01:15:09,255 --> 01:15:12,033
Don't let any strangers come on it.
1214
01:15:12,133 --> 01:15:16,830
No. No strangers.
You're a major loon, you know that?
1215
01:15:18,597 --> 01:15:20,207
- Next year...
- Yes?
1216
01:15:20,307 --> 01:15:25,463
- I expect to build a guest house.
- Oh, a little tiny guest house
1217
01:15:25,563 --> 01:15:30,676
with a handball court, and a little,
swimming pool for fleas or something.
1218
01:15:30,776 --> 01:15:35,052
Yes, well, you'll want to get some rest
in your rubber bedroom now.
1219
01:15:54,967 --> 01:15:56,239
Who are you?
1220
01:15:56,552 --> 01:15:59,451
I am an angel of God.
1221
01:16:00,431 --> 01:16:01,783
You're kidding!
1222
01:16:02,183 --> 01:16:04,377
Fear not, Boris.
1223
01:16:04,477 --> 01:16:06,500
You have led a just life.
1224
01:16:06,771 --> 01:16:09,966
And at the last minute
before the execution,
1225
01:16:10,399 --> 01:16:12,843
the Emperor plans to pardon you.
1226
01:16:13,986 --> 01:16:15,388
Really?
1227
01:16:15,488 --> 01:16:18,933
He will make a great personal show
of his generosity
1228
01:16:19,450 --> 01:16:22,303
and you will have learned your lesson.
1229
01:16:22,661 --> 01:16:26,607
But you will not be executed.
1230
01:16:28,334 --> 01:16:32,155
Then there is a God! Incredible!
1231
01:16:32,922 --> 01:16:34,990
Moses was right.
1232
01:16:35,091 --> 01:16:38,661
He that abideth in truth
1233
01:16:38,761 --> 01:16:41,497
and will have frankincense and myrrh
1234
01:16:41,597 --> 01:16:44,951
smeared on his gums in abundance
1235
01:16:45,059 --> 01:16:49,338
and he shall dwell in the house
of the Lord for six months
1236
01:16:49,438 --> 01:16:53,634
with an option to buy.
But the wicked man...
1237
01:16:53,734 --> 01:16:56,846
The wicked man shall have
all kinds of problems.
1238
01:16:56,946 --> 01:17:00,057
His tongue shall cleave
to the roof of his upper palate
1239
01:17:00,157 --> 01:17:03,477
and he shall speak like a woman,
if you watch him closely.
1240
01:17:03,577 --> 01:17:05,813
And he shall... He shall...
1241
01:17:05,913 --> 01:17:09,400
The wicked man shall be delivered
into the hands of his enemy
1242
01:17:09,500 --> 01:17:12,111
whether they can pay
the delivery charge or not.
1243
01:17:12,211 --> 01:17:15,656
And... And... Wait, I have more
about the wicked man.
1244
01:17:15,756 --> 01:17:19,486
I shall walk through the Valley
of the Shadow of Death.
1245
01:17:20,302 --> 01:17:22,455
In fact, now that I think of it,
1246
01:17:22,555 --> 01:17:25,666
I shall run through
the Valley of the Shadow of Death
1247
01:17:25,766 --> 01:17:28,502
'cause you get out of the valley
quicker that way.
1248
01:17:28,602 --> 01:17:32,715
And he that hath clean hands
and a pure heart
1249
01:17:32,815 --> 01:17:34,300
is okay in my book.
1250
01:17:34,400 --> 01:17:37,803
But he that fools around
1251
01:17:37,903 --> 01:17:42,266
with barnyard animals
has gotta be watched.
1252
01:17:42,366 --> 01:17:43,683
I thank you.
1253
01:17:48,873 --> 01:17:51,021
All right, Grushenko, come on, let's go.
1254
01:17:51,417 --> 01:17:54,320
You guys are late.
I've been waiting here since 6:30.
1255
01:17:54,420 --> 01:17:55,821
You're awfully cheerful.
1256
01:17:55,921 --> 01:17:58,032
Yeah, you know how it is
when you're extra brave.
1257
01:17:58,132 --> 01:17:59,700
Probably not.
1258
01:18:08,434 --> 01:18:11,538
Busy day? Are you guys having a sale?
1259
01:18:12,271 --> 01:18:14,548
Oh, no blindfold. That's for losers.
1260
01:18:14,648 --> 01:18:17,802
I like to see where the bullet hits.
I learned that during the war.
1261
01:18:17,902 --> 01:18:20,471
I was decorated, you know. Yeah.
1262
01:18:20,971 --> 01:18:23,345
Wonder what the Emperor's doing today.
1263
01:18:24,116 --> 01:18:25,059
Ready.
1264
01:18:25,159 --> 01:18:26,393
You guys want to move a little closer?
1265
01:18:26,493 --> 01:18:29,267
You don't wanna miss, you, know.
Looks bad on the report.
1266
01:18:29,371 --> 01:18:30,856
Aim.
1267
01:18:30,956 --> 01:18:33,484
Boy, the Emperor's
really cutting it close.
1268
01:18:33,584 --> 01:18:35,528
What a flair for the dramatic.
1269
01:18:35,628 --> 01:18:37,526
That old sly boots.
1270
01:18:37,963 --> 01:18:39,315
Fire!
1271
01:18:40,716 --> 01:18:44,286
It's a very complicated situation,
Cousin Sonja.
1272
01:18:44,720 --> 01:18:48,415
I'm in love with Alexi. He loves Alicia.
1273
01:18:48,641 --> 01:18:51,961
Alicia's having an affair with Lev.
1274
01:18:52,645 --> 01:18:54,630
Lev loves Tatiana.
1275
01:18:54,730 --> 01:18:56,798
Tatiana loves Simkin.
1276
01:18:57,316 --> 01:18:59,384
Simkin loves me.
1277
01:19:00,527 --> 01:19:04,097
I love Simkin, but in a
different way than Alexi.
1278
01:19:05,241 --> 01:19:08,094
Alexi loves Tatiana like a sister.
1279
01:19:08,661 --> 01:19:12,516
Tatiana's sister loves Trigorian
like a brother.
1280
01:19:13,165 --> 01:19:16,610
Trigorian's brother is having an affair
with my sister,
1281
01:19:17,253 --> 01:19:20,781
whom he likes physically,
but not spiritually.
1282
01:19:20,881 --> 01:19:23,575
Natasha, it's getting a little late.
1283
01:19:23,842 --> 01:19:25,828
The firm of Mishkin and Mishkin
1284
01:19:25,928 --> 01:19:29,032
is sleeping with
the firm of Taskov and Taskov.
1285
01:19:29,848 --> 01:19:32,918
Natasha, to love is to suffer.
1286
01:19:33,018 --> 01:19:35,792
To avoid suffering, one must not love.
1287
01:19:36,021 --> 01:19:38,215
But then one suffers from not loving.
1288
01:19:38,315 --> 01:19:42,553
Therefore, to love is to suffer,
not to love is to suffer,
1289
01:19:42,653 --> 01:19:47,141
to suffer is to suffer.
To be happy is to love.
1290
01:19:47,241 --> 01:19:51,478
To be happy, then, is to suffer,
but suffering makes one unhappy.
1291
01:19:51,578 --> 01:19:55,065
Therefore, to be unhappy one must love,
1292
01:19:55,165 --> 01:19:58,027
or love to suffer,
or suffer from too much happiness.
1293
01:19:58,127 --> 01:20:00,070
I hope you're getting this down.
1294
01:20:01,422 --> 01:20:03,990
I never want to marry.
1295
01:20:05,426 --> 01:20:07,995
I just want to get divorced.
1296
01:20:08,470 --> 01:20:11,449
Oh, look! Look, it's Boris.
1297
01:20:15,686 --> 01:20:18,414
Boris! Boris, what happened?
1298
01:20:18,731 --> 01:20:20,925
- I got screwed.
- How?
1299
01:20:21,025 --> 01:20:23,135
I don't know. Some vision came and said
1300
01:20:23,235 --> 01:20:25,554
that I was gonna get pardoned,
and they shot me.
1301
01:20:25,821 --> 01:20:28,265
You were my one great love.
1302
01:20:28,574 --> 01:20:32,770
Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead.
1303
01:20:33,162 --> 01:20:36,482
- What's it like?
- What's it like?
1304
01:20:36,582 --> 01:20:38,400
You know the chicken
at Tresky's restaurant?
1305
01:20:38,500 --> 01:20:40,193
- Yeah.
- It's worse.
1306
01:20:46,383 --> 01:20:49,328
Worse than the chicken at Tresky's.
1307
01:20:49,428 --> 01:20:52,077
Oh, well, life must go on.
1308
01:20:52,931 --> 01:20:55,334
The last traces of the shimmering dusk
1309
01:20:55,434 --> 01:20:58,788
are setting behind
the quickly darkening evening
1310
01:20:59,271 --> 01:21:01,214
and it's only noon.
1311
01:21:02,483 --> 01:21:05,553
Soon we shall be covered by wheat.
1312
01:21:06,904 --> 01:21:10,099
Did you say, "Wheat"?
1313
01:21:11,408 --> 01:21:12,930
Wheat.
1314
01:21:13,786 --> 01:21:17,773
Wheat. I'm dead,
they're talking about wheat.
1315
01:21:17,873 --> 01:21:21,227
The question is,
have I learned anything about life?
1316
01:21:21,460 --> 01:21:25,736
Only that... Only that human beings
are divided into mind and body.
1317
01:21:25,839 --> 01:21:28,367
The mind embraces
all the nobler aspirations,
1318
01:21:28,467 --> 01:21:30,695
like poetry and philosophy,
1319
01:21:30,969 --> 01:21:33,247
but the body has all the fun.
1320
01:21:34,598 --> 01:21:37,793
The important thing, I think,
is not to be bitter.
1321
01:21:38,018 --> 01:21:42,214
You know, if it turns out that there is a God,
I don't think that He's evil.
1322
01:21:42,314 --> 01:21:44,466
I think that the worst
you could say about Him
1323
01:21:44,566 --> 01:21:47,177
is that basically He's an underachiever.
1324
01:21:47,877 --> 01:21:51,181
After all, you know, there are
worse things in life than death.
1325
01:21:51,281 --> 01:21:54,435
I mean, if you've ever spent an evening
with an insurance salesman,
1326
01:21:54,535 --> 01:21:56,763
you know exactly what I mean.
1327
01:21:56,995 --> 01:22:00,733
The key here, I think,
is to not think of death as an end,
1328
01:22:00,833 --> 01:22:04,153
but think of it more
as a very effective way
1329
01:22:04,253 --> 01:22:06,776
of cutting down on your expenses.
1330
01:22:07,047 --> 01:22:08,657
Regarding love...
1331
01:22:08,757 --> 01:22:10,659
You know, what can you say?
1332
01:22:10,759 --> 01:22:15,247
It's not the quantity
of your sexual relations that count.
1333
01:22:15,347 --> 01:22:17,082
It's the quality.
1334
01:22:17,182 --> 01:22:21,587
On the other hand, if the quantity drops
below once every eight months,
1335
01:22:21,687 --> 01:22:24,131
I would definitely look into it.
1336
01:22:24,398 --> 01:22:29,261
Well, that's about it for me, folks.
Goodbye.