1 00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:55,182 How I got into this predicament, I'll never know. 2 00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,259 Absolutely incredible. 3 00:01:57,492 --> 00:02:00,516 To be executed for a crime I never committed. 4 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:03,941 Of course, isn't all mankind in the same boat? 5 00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:07,816 Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed? 6 00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:13,367 The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go at 6:00 tomorrow morning. 7 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:17,988 I was supposed to go at 5:00, but I have a smart lawyer. Got leniency. 8 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,999 I have a tremendous yearning to be young again. 9 00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:22,876 A boy. 10 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,795 Such happy memories at our summer house. 11 00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:28,924 Uncle Nikolai with his wonderful laugh. 12 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,518 God, he was repulsive! 13 00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:42,980 Then there was Grandpa and Grandma, who'd been married for 50 years 14 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:47,105 and still felt as deeply about one another as the day they met. 15 00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:52,106 And my own father, a handsome and generous man. 16 00:02:52,381 --> 00:02:54,616 In addition to our summer and winter estate, 17 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,994 he owned a valuable piece of land. 18 00:02:57,094 --> 00:03:01,415 True, it was a small piece, but he carried it with him wherever he went. 19 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:05,960 Dimitri Petrovitch! I would like to buy your land. 20 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:12,836 This land is not for sale. Someday I hope to build on it. 21 00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:15,720 He was an idiot, but I loved him. 22 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:20,555 Then there was Mother, who made the most delicious blintzes in the world. 23 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,398 Of course, there was Old Gregor and his son, Young Gregor. 24 00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:29,318 Oddly enough, Young Gregor's son was older than Old Gregor. 25 00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,316 Nobody could figure out how that happened. 26 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:36,241 My two brothers, Ivan and Mikhail, used to play amusing little games 27 00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:39,820 but I had a completely different concept of myself as a child. 28 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:47,252 My first experience with death was with one of our serfs, Old Nehamkin. 29 00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:52,753 Old Nehamkin was on the roof putting up a lightning rod when a storm broke out. 30 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:57,471 After he failed to show up for dinner, Mother went to look for him. 31 00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,093 What is it, Old Nehamkin? 32 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:03,932 You're not looking well. Are you okay? You feel all right? 33 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,062 We laid Old Nehamkin to rest. 34 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,479 And that night, I had a strange and vivid dream. 35 00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:38,170 I knew that after that dream, I would not grow up to be an ordinary man. 36 00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:40,889 I had many conversations with Father Nikolai, 37 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,767 who was always dressed in black with a black beard. 38 00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:46,269 For years, I thought he was an Italian widow. 39 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:50,732 Every action has a cause. The universe exists, therefore it has a cause. 40 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:53,985 It follows God created the universe, therefore He exists. 41 00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:57,114 And yet, Spinoza didn't believe in the Holy Trinity. 42 00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,366 - Spinoza was a Jew. - What's a Jew? 43 00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:03,321 You never saw a Jew? Here, I have some sketches. 44 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:08,583 - There are Jews. - No kidding! 45 00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:10,627 They all have these horns? 46 00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:15,173 No. This is the Russian Jew. The German Jew has these stripes. 47 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,176 I recall my first mystical vision. 48 00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,846 I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. 49 00:05:20,946 --> 00:05:24,141 If He was a carpenter, I wonder what He'd charge for bookshelves? 50 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,513 Suddenly... 51 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,183 - Who are you? - Death. 52 00:05:29,955 --> 00:05:33,184 What happens after we die? Is there a hell? 53 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:37,154 Is there a God? Do we live again? 54 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:41,859 All right, let me ask one key question. 55 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,198 Are there girls? 56 00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:48,491 You're an interesting young man. We'll meet again. 57 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:51,702 - Don't bother. - It's no bother. 58 00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:56,715 I grew to full manhood, actually 5'6", 59 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:59,134 which is technically not full manhood in Russia, 60 00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,886 but you can still own property. 61 00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,554 Over 5'3", you can own land. 62 00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:05,182 Under 5'3", you need special permission from the Czar. 63 00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:31,454 We were three healthy men. 64 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,452 My brother, Ivan, 65 00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,998 my brother, Mikhail, 66 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,543 and myself. 67 00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:49,726 Finally, there was my cousin, Sonja. 68 00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:53,188 In addition to being the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, 69 00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:56,437 she was one of the few people I could have deep conversations with. 70 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:02,523 Boris, look at this leaf. Isn't it perfect? 71 00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:04,949 And this one. Look. 72 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:06,451 Oh, yeah. 73 00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:10,080 Yes, I definitely think that this is the best of all possible worlds. 74 00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,082 Certainly the most expensive. 75 00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:14,250 Isn't nature incredible? 76 00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,753 To me, nature is... You know, I don't know. 77 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:20,632 Spiders and bugs and then big fish eating little fish 78 00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:24,678 and then plants eating... plants and animals eating... 79 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:27,097 It's like an enormous restaurant. That's the way I see it. 80 00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:30,100 Yes, but if God created it, it has to be beautiful. 81 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,228 Even if His plan's not apparent to us at the moment. 82 00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:35,681 Sonja, what if there is no God? 83 00:07:35,914 --> 00:07:38,517 Boris Dimitrovitch, are you joking? 84 00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:41,152 What if we're just a bunch of absurd people 85 00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:43,946 who are running around with no rhyme or reason? 86 00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:46,867 But if there is no God, then life has no meaning. 87 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,911 Why go on living? Why not just commit suicide? 88 00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:52,956 Well, let's not get hysterical. I could be wrong. 89 00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:56,126 I'd hate to blow my brains out and then read in the papers they found something. 90 00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:59,872 Boris, let me show you how absurd your position is. 91 00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:02,340 All right. Let's say that there is no God, 92 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,801 and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses. 93 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,504 Well, what prevents you from murdering somebody? 94 00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:11,266 - Murder's immoral! - Morality is subjective. 95 00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,343 Yes, but subjectivity is objective. 96 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:16,058 Not in any rational scheme of perception. 97 00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:18,724 Perception is irrational. It implies imminence. 98 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:22,319 But judgment of any system or a priori relation of phenomena 99 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:26,781 exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction 100 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,659 to an abstracted empirical concept such as being 101 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:33,997 or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself. 102 00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:36,166 Yeah, I've said that many times. 103 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:39,620 Boris, we must believe in God. 104 00:08:40,411 --> 00:08:44,424 If I could just see a miracle. Just... Just one miracle. 105 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:48,678 If I could see a burning bush or the seas part 106 00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:52,007 or my Uncle Sasha pick up a check. 107 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,019 We should go back downstairs. 108 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,689 By now, the last golden streaks of the sunset 109 00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:02,563 are vanishing behind the western hills. 110 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:06,734 Soon the dark blanket of night shall settle over us all. 111 00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:10,863 Hey, you've been going to finishing school! 112 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:16,331 Hey, you... dating any Russians I should know about? 113 00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:19,617 Well, Minskov has proposed. 114 00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:23,713 And he's very sweet and wealthy but the age difference is too great. 115 00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,383 - I'm 28 and he's 81. - Oh, that is big. 116 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:29,803 When I'm 50, he'll be... 103. 117 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,972 That's a bad age for men. They slow up a lot. 118 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,391 Oh, and Voskovec has made his intentions clear 119 00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:37,435 but he deals in herring, and he always smells of herring. 120 00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:40,105 Do you know, he even bought me herring-scented cologne? 121 00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:42,691 Oh, really? That's probably why the cat follows you around. 122 00:09:42,791 --> 00:09:44,693 Love is everything, Boris. 123 00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:48,443 I want to meet some man and scale the heights of passion. 124 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:52,409 Some man who embodies the three great aspects of love. 125 00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:56,121 Intellectual, spiritual and sensual. 126 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,415 Well, then, there's not too many of us around, 127 00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,367 but it can be done. 128 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:04,295 - So many women settle cheaply. - I know. Poor things. 129 00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:07,841 - They marry for money. - Money! Well, money. 130 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,635 But I tell you, I feel as though my life would be wasted 131 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:14,514 if I didn't love deeply with a man whose mind I respected, 132 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,683 whose spirituality equaled mine 133 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:20,770 and who had the same, oh, lustful appetite for sensual passion 134 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,688 that drives me insane. 135 00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:25,646 You're an incredibly complex woman. 136 00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:29,525 I guess you could say I'm half-saint, half-whore. 137 00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:32,615 Here's hoping I get the half that eats. 138 00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:34,442 - Boris? - Yes? 139 00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:37,070 - I have a confession to make. - Yes? 140 00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:40,832 - Ever since you and I were little children... - Yes? 141 00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:42,792 I've been in love with your brother, Ivan! 142 00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:45,086 Oh, it's only nat... 143 00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:47,297 Ivan? You're kidding! 144 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,799 He can barely write his name in the ground with a stick. 145 00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:53,178 - He has true animal magnetism. - Animal magnetism? 146 00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,889 All that talk about some perfect love, and you're hot for Ivan? 147 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,974 - He kissed me. - Any place I should know? 148 00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,934 It warmed the cockles of my heart. 149 00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:02,395 That's just great. Nothing like hot cockles! 150 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,606 I think he's going to ask me to marry him. 151 00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:08,234 But he's a gambler and a drinker. He's got a Neanderthal mentality. 152 00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:11,988 Don't get me wrong, I love him like a brother. Just not one of mine. 153 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,900 Do you hear that commotion? What is going on downstairs? 154 00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:18,574 Have you heard the news? Napoleon has invaded Austria. 155 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,038 Why? Is he out of Courvoisier? 156 00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,749 At last, a chance to taste the glories of battle! 157 00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,043 Well, check with me when it's over. I'll be in the game room. 158 00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:27,420 No, Boris. You're going to fight. 159 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,418 I'm gonna fight? You're gonna have your head examined. 160 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,341 We leave the day after tomorrow. 161 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,052 Fellas, I'm a pacifist. I don't believe in war. 162 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:39,424 He doesn't believe in war? Napoleon, he believes in war! 163 00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:43,353 What are you going to do when the French soldiers rape your sister? 164 00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:45,605 - I don't have a sister. - That's no answer. 165 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,524 Who are they gonna rape? Ivan? They'll throw up. 166 00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:50,151 Don't disgrace me in front of my friends. 167 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:51,528 What good is war? 168 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,238 We kill a few Frenchmen, they kill a few Russians. 169 00:11:53,338 --> 00:11:54,405 Next thing you know, it's Easter. 170 00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:57,200 Boris, you can't be serious. You're talking about Mother Russia. 171 00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,451 Oh, she's not my mother. 172 00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,577 My mother's standing right here, 173 00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:01,871 and she's not gonna let her youngest baby get shrapnel in his gums. 174 00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:03,039 Get away from me! 175 00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:06,042 I can't believe what I'm seeing! 176 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,753 Our brother has a yellow streak down his back. 177 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,421 No, it's not down, it runs across. 178 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,133 - Boris, you're a coward! - Yes, but I'm a militant coward. 179 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:16,928 Boris, medals! We get medals! 180 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,223 Take it easy, will you, Ivan? You gotta cut down on your raw meat. 181 00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,684 He'll go and he'll fight! 182 00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:26,396 And I hope they will put him in the front lines. 183 00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:29,023 Thanks a lot, Mom. My mother, folks. 184 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:34,487 This is crazy. I can't shoot a gun. I was meant to write poetry. 185 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,780 Sonja, I'm not the army type. 186 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,324 I slept with a light on in my room till I was 30. 187 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,492 I can't shower with other men. 188 00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:43,287 Friends! My friends! 189 00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:48,876 On the eve of this glorious occasion, I have an announcement to make. 190 00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:55,300 Because we go into battle, perhaps never to see our loved ones again, 191 00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:59,095 I wish to announce that tomorrow I intend to marry. 192 00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:05,098 I'm going to take as my bride, a woman I have grown up with. 193 00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,440 Anna Ivanova. 194 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:14,314 - Ivan... - I'm sorry. I should have told you. 195 00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:20,738 I also have an announcement to make! 196 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:23,077 Tomorrow, I too, get married. 197 00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:24,454 Wonderful! 198 00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:27,332 Yes, I have been proposed to and have accepted the hand of 199 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:30,001 Serge Ivanonich Minskov! 200 00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:34,372 Oh! 201 00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:43,298 Yes. I mean... Leonid Voskovec, the herring merchant. 202 00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:56,792 You! Get out here! 203 00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:09,050 You're the worst soldier I ever seen! 204 00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:12,603 - You ignoramus! - Ignoramus, sir. 205 00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:15,982 - Do you want a dishonorable discharge? - Yes, sir! Either that or a furlough. 206 00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:19,485 - Goddamn you! You love Russia, don't you? - Yes, sir. 207 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,029 - Louder! - Yes, sir. 208 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:22,947 - You like it here, don't you? - Yes, sir. 209 00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:25,283 You want to make a career out of the army, don't you? 210 00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:27,118 Well, let's not get carried away. 211 00:15:27,218 --> 00:15:29,662 From now on, you'll clean the mess hall and the latrine! 212 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,789 Yes, sir. How will I tell the difference? 213 00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:36,252 Okay. One, two. One, two. One, two... 214 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:38,955 Yeah, three is next, if you're having any trouble. 215 00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:32,058 Naturally, the war affects the herring industry. 216 00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,310 The ports are blockaded 217 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:37,389 and fresh shipments of the herring become more difficult to obtain. 218 00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:42,561 Of course, when something hurts herring, it hurts me. 219 00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:46,280 You see, what people don't understand 220 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:49,158 is that there are hundreds of types of herring, 221 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:52,032 each with its own interesting history. 222 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,619 Sonja, are you okay? 223 00:16:58,226 --> 00:16:59,418 Oh, yes. 224 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,380 But I've talked long enough. 225 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,507 Why don't you two play? 226 00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:07,301 As I have got some important business to attend to. 227 00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:09,879 A capital idea! 228 00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:15,643 Ready? And a one and a two and... 229 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,076 You stopped. 230 00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,163 What would you think if I told you 231 00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:39,834 you were one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen? 232 00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:44,712 I'd think, "What a mad fool he is." 233 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:49,552 And what would you say if I suddenly put my arms around you? 234 00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:53,552 I'd think, "What a mad, impetuous fool he is." 235 00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,851 And what would you think if I kissed you? 236 00:17:56,951 --> 00:18:00,980 I'd think, "What a mad, impetuous, wonderful fool he is." 237 00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:04,066 - Don't. - I must! 238 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:07,653 - We just ate. - Your skin, it is so beautiful. 239 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,405 Yes, I know. It covers my whole body. 240 00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,949 I must have you. 241 00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:14,952 No, no. Not here. Not on the piano. It's a rented piano. 242 00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:17,951 Darling, my darling, my... 243 00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:19,949 Sonja. 244 00:18:20,391 --> 00:18:23,335 Sonja, did you see a jar of wine sauce? 245 00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:30,259 - Come to my quarters tomorrow at 3:00. - I can't. 246 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,712 - Please! - It's immoral. What time? 247 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,014 So who is to say what is moral? 248 00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:36,641 Morality is subjective. 249 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:39,139 Subjectivity is objective. 250 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,938 Moral notions imply attributes to substances 251 00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:44,440 which exist only in relational duality. 252 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:48,569 Not as an essential extension of ontological existence. 253 00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:51,192 Can we not talk about sex so much? 254 00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,449 I am terribly sorry! 255 00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,159 - You'd better go. - Sonja, please. 256 00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:56,827 - No, no, I mean it, Pierre. - Sonja darling, please... 257 00:19:01,265 --> 00:19:05,791 Men, next week we leave for the front. 258 00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:09,749 The object will be to kill as many Frenchmen as possible. 259 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:14,505 Naturally, they are going to try and kill as many Russians as possible. 260 00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:18,383 If we kill more Frenchmen, we win. 261 00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:22,137 If they kill more Russians, they win. 262 00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,355 What'll we win? 263 00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:27,976 What do we win, Private? 264 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,862 Imagine your loved ones conquered by Napoleon 265 00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:34,615 and forced to live under French rule. 266 00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:38,661 Do you want them to eat that rich food and those heavy sauces? 267 00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:40,496 No. 268 00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:44,492 Do you want them to have souffle every meal, and croissant? 269 00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:46,164 No. 270 00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:49,839 Now, men, because you are all getting a three-day furlough 271 00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:51,340 before going into battle, 272 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:55,090 we would like to show you this little hygiene play. 273 00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:03,186 - Goodbye. I hope you had a good time. - I did. I had a good time. 274 00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:08,767 Oh, what's this sore on my lip? I better see the doctor. 275 00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,278 Doc, I have this sore on my lip. 276 00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:15,615 - You have a social disease, my friend. - Oh, my God! 277 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:20,161 If you do not treat it, you will go blind or insane! 278 00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:27,668 Well, men, that is the end of the play. 279 00:20:27,768 --> 00:20:31,005 Have a good time on your furlough, but look after yourselves. 280 00:20:31,105 --> 00:20:33,382 Well, what did you think of the play? 281 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,259 Oh, it was weak. I was never interested. 282 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:37,845 Although the part of the doctor was played with gusto and verve, 283 00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:39,889 and the girl had a delightful cameo role. 284 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:41,932 A puckish satire of contemporary mores, 285 00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:44,060 a droll spoof aimed more at the heart than the head. 286 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:47,688 As for me, I'm planning to spend the next three days in a brothel. 287 00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:49,732 - Care to come with me? - No, no. 288 00:20:49,832 --> 00:20:51,651 I went to a brothel once in my life. 289 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,903 I got hiccups. You know, it was over like that. 290 00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:56,530 Besides, there's someone in St. Petersburg I'd like to visit. 291 00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,277 Well, have fun. 292 00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:05,956 I think you'll find The Magic Flute is Mozart's greatest opera. 293 00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:07,416 Oh, yeah, it's a hell of an opera, isn't it? 294 00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:09,418 They sell popcorn or gumdrops or something? 295 00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:12,588 We're so delighted you decided to spend your furlough with us. 296 00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:14,840 You know, you've always been our favorite nephew, 297 00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,316 even though you're an incredible coward. 298 00:21:17,416 --> 00:21:19,478 Thank you so much. Thank you. 299 00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:21,972 Any news of Cousin Sonja? 300 00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:26,602 Only that she and Voskovec are unhappy and that she takes lovers. 301 00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:29,313 - She takes uppers? - Lovers! 302 00:21:29,413 --> 00:21:31,231 Oh, lovers! Lovers. 303 00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:33,730 Hey, who is that? 304 00:21:36,045 --> 00:21:38,864 That's the Countess Alexandrovna, 305 00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:42,535 one of the most enticing woman in St. Petersburg. 306 00:21:43,219 --> 00:21:45,804 Ample bosoms, yes? 307 00:21:45,904 --> 00:21:47,581 I'd say ample for a regiment. 308 00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:49,458 She's recently widowed. 309 00:21:49,558 --> 00:21:52,795 And they say her husband, the Count, died in her arms 310 00:21:52,895 --> 00:21:56,757 trying to satisfy her prodigious sexual desires. 311 00:21:56,857 --> 00:22:00,177 No kidding! Died smiling, I bet. 312 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:03,305 Who's the character with her with the wry moustache? 313 00:22:03,405 --> 00:22:06,850 That's Anton Ivanovich Inbedkov, her current lover. 314 00:22:07,409 --> 00:22:09,729 Although the way she keeps staring at you! 315 00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,480 I'm sure I could work something out with him. 316 00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:12,898 I'd let him warm her up for a few minutes 317 00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:14,942 and I could come in at the end and finish her. 318 00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:17,945 You must be careful of Anton Ivanovich. 319 00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:20,573 - He has a furious temper. - Really? 320 00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:23,200 He has killed several men in duels. 321 00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:26,723 All in a jealous rage over the Countess. 322 00:22:26,823 --> 00:22:29,949 Glad you mentioned it. Think I'll watch the opera. 323 00:23:25,154 --> 00:23:28,133 Oh, there is something about Mozart! 324 00:23:28,324 --> 00:23:31,435 I think you're probably responding to his music. 325 00:23:33,245 --> 00:23:36,269 Oh, my goodness, be careful! Couldn't you be careful? 326 00:23:36,999 --> 00:23:39,485 I believe... I believe... 327 00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:42,859 I believe that the lobby... 328 00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:49,119 I believe that the lobby of the St. Petersburg Opera House 329 00:23:49,219 --> 00:23:52,038 is one of the most beautiful in Europe. 330 00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:57,248 Who is this attractive and mysterious soldier? 331 00:23:57,853 --> 00:23:59,125 Boris Grushenko. 332 00:23:59,605 --> 00:24:01,632 Ooh, I'm sorry. I goosed that lady. 333 00:24:01,732 --> 00:24:03,801 He has quite a sensitive face, hasn't he? 334 00:24:03,901 --> 00:24:05,386 That's just the part of me that shows. 335 00:24:05,486 --> 00:24:06,762 Grushenko. 336 00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:10,099 Isn't he the young coward all St. Petersburg is talking about? 337 00:24:10,199 --> 00:24:11,851 I'm not so young. I'm 35. 338 00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:13,727 The one who's so afraid for his own safety 339 00:24:13,827 --> 00:24:15,688 that he is reluctant to defend his country. 340 00:24:15,788 --> 00:24:17,106 He is in a bad mood, isn't he? 341 00:24:17,206 --> 00:24:18,478 What's the matter? Don't you like your seats? 342 00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:22,733 You must visit me for tea someday. I'm sure we'd have a lot to talk about. 343 00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:24,655 It's okay with me. I'll bring the tea bags. 344 00:24:24,755 --> 00:24:26,991 We could run a quick check on your erogenous zones. 345 00:24:27,091 --> 00:24:28,993 What about the dybbuk? 346 00:24:29,093 --> 00:24:32,117 Why do you persist in taunting me in public? 347 00:24:32,721 --> 00:24:35,040 If you so much as come near the Countess, 348 00:24:35,557 --> 00:24:37,543 I'll see that you'll never see the light of day again. 349 00:24:37,643 --> 00:24:40,671 If a man said that to me, I'd break his neck! 350 00:24:40,771 --> 00:24:42,047 I am a man! 351 00:24:42,147 --> 00:24:45,726 Well, I mean a much shorter man. 352 00:24:46,609 --> 00:24:48,081 Boris! 353 00:24:48,181 --> 00:24:50,798 - Boris Dimitrovitch! - Sonja! 354 00:24:55,327 --> 00:24:58,314 Look at you. You look so handsome in your uniform. 355 00:24:58,414 --> 00:25:01,650 Well, I got a perfect build for clothes. I'm a 28 dwarf. 356 00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:04,862 And you, Sonja, my God, you look more beautiful standing here 357 00:25:04,962 --> 00:25:06,071 than you do in person. 358 00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:09,491 - Oh, Boris, I'm so unhappy. - Oh, I wish you weren't. 359 00:25:09,591 --> 00:25:12,786 Voskovec and I quarrel frequently. I've become a scandal. 360 00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:14,288 Poor Sonja! 361 00:25:14,388 --> 00:25:17,207 For the past weeks, I've visited Seretsky in his room. 362 00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:19,376 Why? What's in his room? 363 00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:20,702 Oh. 364 00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:23,047 And before Seretsky, Alexi. 365 00:25:23,147 --> 00:25:24,924 And before Alexi, Alegorian. 366 00:25:25,024 --> 00:25:27,509 - And before Alegorian, Asimov... - Okay! 367 00:25:27,609 --> 00:25:29,720 Wait! I'm still on the A's. 368 00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:32,548 - How many lovers do you have? - In the midtown area? 369 00:25:33,190 --> 00:25:34,350 Oh, Sonja. 370 00:25:34,450 --> 00:25:37,099 Boris, my life is ruined. Over. 371 00:25:37,286 --> 00:25:40,189 I can't stand Voskovec! 372 00:25:40,289 --> 00:25:43,567 He's a man whose mentality has reduced all the beauty of the world 373 00:25:43,667 --> 00:25:45,565 to a small pickled fish! 374 00:25:45,836 --> 00:25:48,948 Sonja, what you need is somebody to take you away from Voskovec. 375 00:25:49,048 --> 00:25:51,408 Somebody who loves you, somebody who's always loved you 376 00:25:51,508 --> 00:25:53,656 and who's always cared for you very deeply. 377 00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:55,908 How is your brother, Ivan? 378 00:25:57,181 --> 00:26:00,542 Oh, Ivan's all right. 379 00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:03,420 - Yes? Ivan is well? - You know Ivan is a tiger. 380 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,214 He went through basic training in two weeks. They made him a major. 381 00:26:06,648 --> 00:26:09,593 - And does he ever speak of me? - Sonja, he's busy. 382 00:26:09,693 --> 00:26:12,972 Well, he must! He must speak of me sometimes. He must! 383 00:26:13,072 --> 00:26:15,382 Take it easy, will ya? This is army property. 384 00:26:16,629 --> 00:26:19,687 Once he was sick. He was delirious. He called your name out. 385 00:26:19,787 --> 00:26:21,810 Really? Then there's hope. 386 00:26:22,664 --> 00:26:26,235 Look, tomorrow my regiment pulls out. We're going to the front. 387 00:26:26,335 --> 00:26:27,778 We're badly outnumbered by the French. 388 00:26:27,878 --> 00:26:30,572 There's very little chance that any of us will ever come back. 389 00:26:30,672 --> 00:26:32,445 Exactly what did he say about me? 390 00:26:32,716 --> 00:26:34,238 Sonja! 391 00:26:34,343 --> 00:26:36,578 Oh, now where did you say you were going? 392 00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:38,580 Oh, yes! Oh, yes, the war. 393 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,455 Well... dress warmly, Boris, and have a nice time. 394 00:26:52,903 --> 00:26:56,640 The idea is not to panic and run. Then they shoot you in the back. 395 00:26:56,740 --> 00:26:59,935 I don't want to be trampled by a horse. What about you, Boris? 396 00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:02,730 Yeah, I want to be trampled by a horse. I don't even want to fight. 397 00:27:02,830 --> 00:27:05,524 Think there's any difference whether we live under the Czar or Napoleon? 398 00:27:05,624 --> 00:27:07,985 They're both crooks. The Czar's a little taller. 399 00:27:08,085 --> 00:27:11,780 Boris, if you don't like Napoleon and you don't like the Czar, 400 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,949 who do you think should be running the country? 401 00:27:14,049 --> 00:27:16,785 - You really want to know? The serfs. - Oh, the serfs? 402 00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:18,996 That's right. They're the only ones who know how to do anything. 403 00:27:19,096 --> 00:27:20,914 If a fence needs putting up, or a picture needs hanging, 404 00:27:21,014 --> 00:27:22,458 it's always the serfs. 405 00:27:22,558 --> 00:27:25,461 He wants the serfs to run the country! 406 00:27:25,561 --> 00:27:28,631 Why not the criminal element, or the Jews? 407 00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:30,716 Some Jews are smart! 408 00:27:30,816 --> 00:27:33,510 Although I hear their women don't believe in sex after marriage. 409 00:27:33,610 --> 00:27:35,804 - Are you married, Boris? - Me? No. 410 00:27:35,904 --> 00:27:37,681 - You got a sweetheart? - No, no. 411 00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:40,392 I'm in love with a girl. She's married to someone. 412 00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:42,644 And she's in love with someone, and he's married. 413 00:27:42,744 --> 00:27:44,354 It's a real healthy situation. 414 00:27:44,454 --> 00:27:46,899 - Hey, look, Boris. Look, look. - What do you got there? 415 00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:49,818 I got a lock of my wife's hair. Look. 416 00:27:49,918 --> 00:27:53,280 A lock of her hair? She... She's probably running around bald! 417 00:27:53,380 --> 00:27:57,409 Don't drop it. Don't drop it. You got a lock of your sweetheart's hair? 418 00:27:57,509 --> 00:27:59,995 No. My sweetheart's married. I got a lock of her husband's hair. 419 00:28:00,095 --> 00:28:02,197 It's the best I could do. 420 00:28:06,518 --> 00:28:09,462 Boy, this... This army cooking will get you every time. 421 00:28:09,938 --> 00:28:12,841 There's Visinksy! He was from my village. 422 00:28:12,941 --> 00:28:14,635 He was the village idiot. 423 00:28:14,735 --> 00:28:16,011 Yeah. What did you do, place? 424 00:28:16,111 --> 00:28:18,213 Oh, God is testing us. 425 00:28:20,365 --> 00:28:23,218 If he's gonna test us, why doesn't he give us a written? 426 00:29:00,197 --> 00:29:03,600 Wow! The battle looks completely different when you're in the middle of it 427 00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:05,928 than it does to the generals up on the hill. 428 00:29:28,809 --> 00:29:31,086 Hey, get your red hots. 429 00:29:31,186 --> 00:29:32,754 Yeah. You got anything to drink? 430 00:29:32,854 --> 00:29:35,257 Oh, no, the guy with the beer will be around in a second. 431 00:29:35,357 --> 00:29:38,301 Hey, fella, you got something smaller? I just started. 432 00:30:00,590 --> 00:30:03,118 We started the battle with 12,000 men. 433 00:30:03,218 --> 00:30:05,954 When it was over, we had 14 survivors. 434 00:30:06,054 --> 00:30:09,374 We got a message from the Czar saying, "Keep up the good work." 435 00:30:09,474 --> 00:30:13,875 That night as I was burying bodies, I had another mystical experience. 436 00:30:14,563 --> 00:30:16,757 Mercifully, God was on our side. 437 00:30:16,857 --> 00:30:19,134 Yeah. I'm sure things could have gotten a lot worse if He wasn't. 438 00:30:19,234 --> 00:30:20,344 It might've rained. 439 00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:21,921 Grushenko. 440 00:30:22,654 --> 00:30:24,806 Vladimir Maximovitch, you're alive! 441 00:30:24,906 --> 00:30:26,849 No, I'm dead. Look at this hole. 442 00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:30,349 - Oh... Does it hurt? - I feel nothing. 443 00:30:30,746 --> 00:30:32,648 You don't look so bad for a guy who's dead. 444 00:30:32,748 --> 00:30:35,525 Actually better than when you were alive. I think it agrees with you. 445 00:30:35,625 --> 00:30:37,527 - Do me a favor. - Sure, anything. 446 00:30:37,627 --> 00:30:39,154 This engagement ring. 447 00:30:39,254 --> 00:30:41,240 I was gonna give it to my girlfriend. A surprise. 448 00:30:41,340 --> 00:30:44,284 - Oh, you want me to give it to her? - No! What's the point? 449 00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:46,828 - Take it back to the jeweler's in Smolensk. - Right. 450 00:30:46,928 --> 00:30:48,997 - Petroshkin. Vladimir Petroshkin. - Okay. 451 00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:50,874 Tell him I'm dead, and get the deposit back. 452 00:30:50,974 --> 00:30:52,668 Oh, okay, sure. What'd you give him for this? 453 00:30:52,768 --> 00:30:54,127 Sixteen hundred roubles. 454 00:30:54,227 --> 00:30:56,380 For this, you gave him 1,600 roubles? 455 00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:58,173 - Look, this is a diamond. - I know. 456 00:30:58,273 --> 00:31:00,175 - Two little baguettes. - This is insane. 457 00:31:00,275 --> 00:31:02,010 - I could have gotten you this ring for 1200. - Not this. 458 00:31:02,110 --> 00:31:04,638 - Never... Never that ring. - Same ring. The exact same ring. 459 00:31:04,738 --> 00:31:08,092 Never. Listen. Anyway, listen, take the deposit, 460 00:31:08,867 --> 00:31:10,185 - go to Kiev. - Right. 461 00:31:10,285 --> 00:31:12,854 Give it to a woman named Natasha Petrovna. 462 00:31:12,954 --> 00:31:15,857 - Right. Okay. - Get a receipt. Make sure you get a receipt. 463 00:31:15,957 --> 00:31:17,651 Why do you need a receipt? You're dead. 464 00:31:17,751 --> 00:31:20,900 - Tax purposes. - Oh, good thinking. 465 00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:25,659 - What happened? - He was cleaning his pistol and it went off. 466 00:31:25,759 --> 00:31:29,079 - The bullet is lodged in his heart. - Is it serious? 467 00:31:29,221 --> 00:31:32,621 With proper medical care, he could last another 10 minutes. 468 00:31:35,185 --> 00:31:38,038 Why? Why were you cleaning your pistol? 469 00:31:39,064 --> 00:31:42,919 I was going to fight a duel to defend your honor. 470 00:31:44,111 --> 00:31:48,057 A Turkish cavalry officer cast aspersions on it. 471 00:31:48,490 --> 00:31:52,845 He said you were sleeping around. I knew he was lying. 472 00:31:53,662 --> 00:31:55,397 That you were pure. 473 00:32:00,377 --> 00:32:01,903 Oi. 474 00:32:07,509 --> 00:32:09,536 Yes, well, Leonid, 475 00:32:09,636 --> 00:32:12,164 I know I could have been a better wife to you. 476 00:32:12,264 --> 00:32:13,415 Kinder. 477 00:32:13,515 --> 00:32:17,119 I could have made love with you more often, or once even. 478 00:32:17,853 --> 00:32:19,796 Once would have been nice. 479 00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:23,212 You were a kind and loving husband. 480 00:32:23,358 --> 00:32:26,177 Generous, and always considerate. 481 00:32:26,570 --> 00:32:28,343 What's he got? About eight minutes? 482 00:32:28,697 --> 00:32:31,300 I think I'm slow. He's got about three. 483 00:32:32,033 --> 00:32:34,306 Swimming out to the open sea, 484 00:32:35,078 --> 00:32:37,772 like the great, wild herring! 485 00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:44,233 I realize this must be a great blow to you, Sonja. 486 00:32:45,005 --> 00:32:49,030 But you must not allow yourself to be consumed with grief. 487 00:32:49,885 --> 00:32:51,612 The dead pass on. 488 00:32:52,554 --> 00:32:55,328 And life is for the living! 489 00:32:55,724 --> 00:32:58,828 I guess you're right. Where do you want to eat? 490 00:32:59,603 --> 00:33:00,754 Let's go to Rykoff's. 491 00:33:00,854 --> 00:33:02,381 - No, no. Not Rykoff's. - Why? 492 00:33:02,481 --> 00:33:05,634 I feel like meat. What do you get at Rykoff's, maybe a cheese sandwich? 493 00:33:05,734 --> 00:33:07,677 - If it's not meat, it's nothing. - It's not good for your health. 494 00:33:07,777 --> 00:33:11,765 There's a tavern at the edge of the square makes a sausage that's wonderful. 495 00:33:11,865 --> 00:33:13,433 Meanwhile, the war continued. 496 00:33:13,909 --> 00:33:15,352 My regiment had been wiped out. 497 00:33:15,452 --> 00:33:18,351 And I found myself lost behind enemy lines. 498 00:33:20,290 --> 00:33:23,519 I panicked and hid where I could. Then I fainted. 499 00:33:24,961 --> 00:33:28,361 When I came to, I realized I had made a terrible mistake. 500 00:34:05,752 --> 00:34:09,197 As fate would have it, I landed on a group of French generals, 501 00:34:09,297 --> 00:34:12,534 causing their immediate surrender, and making me a hero. 502 00:34:12,634 --> 00:34:14,953 My brother Ivan was not so lucky. 503 00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:16,913 He was a fatality of war, 504 00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:20,709 he had been bayonetted to death by a Polish conscientious objector. 505 00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:30,468 You're praying for Ivan? 506 00:34:30,652 --> 00:34:33,005 Yes. Your husband. 507 00:34:33,613 --> 00:34:35,715 I loved him, as you know. 508 00:34:36,491 --> 00:34:40,221 I wanted you to have some of his possessions. 509 00:34:40,328 --> 00:34:41,725 How kind. 510 00:34:43,081 --> 00:34:47,152 I kept his sword and gold watch. 511 00:34:49,296 --> 00:34:50,739 But here. 512 00:34:51,548 --> 00:34:53,867 I'm giving you his moustache. 513 00:34:55,010 --> 00:34:56,737 I'll cherish it. 514 00:34:57,762 --> 00:35:01,116 Also, some string. 515 00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:04,835 Ivan saved string. 516 00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:08,791 I know. It was one of the reasons why I loved him. 517 00:35:09,816 --> 00:35:11,634 I understand that. 518 00:35:12,777 --> 00:35:15,221 I loved him for his string, too. 519 00:35:16,031 --> 00:35:17,974 Anything else for me? 520 00:35:19,868 --> 00:35:23,222 I thought we should divide his letters. 521 00:35:24,914 --> 00:35:27,563 Do you want the vowels or the consonants? 522 00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:29,151 His vowels. 523 00:35:29,544 --> 00:35:31,646 You keep the consonants. 524 00:35:33,089 --> 00:35:35,863 Life is unbearable. 525 00:35:36,885 --> 00:35:40,660 - So we meet again. - Countess Alexandrovna. 526 00:35:42,390 --> 00:35:44,793 I wish there was some way I could show you my gratitude 527 00:35:44,893 --> 00:35:46,210 for what you've done for Russia. 528 00:35:46,478 --> 00:35:48,330 I may be able to think of something. 529 00:35:48,563 --> 00:35:51,132 Maybe we could meet in my room later this evening. 530 00:35:51,399 --> 00:35:53,677 As you wish. How's five minutes? 531 00:35:53,777 --> 00:35:56,096 Well, what have we here? 532 00:35:56,196 --> 00:35:57,931 Oh, still dating laughing boy? 533 00:35:58,031 --> 00:35:59,474 Back from the war, I see. 534 00:35:59,574 --> 00:36:02,519 Yes. I'd have stayed longer, but they ran out of medals. 535 00:36:02,619 --> 00:36:05,855 I understand your heroism was quite inadvertent. 536 00:36:06,595 --> 00:36:09,359 You should have such an inadvertent heroism. That's telling him. 537 00:36:09,459 --> 00:36:12,279 Are you gonna waste your time conversing with this strutting ass? 538 00:36:12,379 --> 00:36:14,155 Careful. I think it's a trick question. 539 00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:18,201 Fetch my carriage, Anton Inbedkov. I'll join you momentarily. 540 00:36:19,552 --> 00:36:22,030 Nice seeing you again, Quasimodo. 541 00:36:22,347 --> 00:36:23,699 My room at midnight? 542 00:36:24,015 --> 00:36:27,127 - Perfect. Will you be there, too? - Naturally. 543 00:36:27,227 --> 00:36:29,375 - Until midnight, then. - Midnight. 544 00:36:31,773 --> 00:36:33,341 Make it a quarter to 12:00. 545 00:36:33,441 --> 00:36:35,010 - Midnight. - Midnight. Of course. 546 00:36:35,110 --> 00:36:37,012 Boris, you hardly touched your blini. 547 00:36:37,112 --> 00:36:40,182 Oh, yes, well, I've been sick, you know. 548 00:36:43,976 --> 00:36:45,504 Come in. 549 00:36:54,087 --> 00:36:55,363 How do you like it? 550 00:36:56,231 --> 00:36:59,067 It's all right. I prefer something sexy, but you... 551 00:37:00,427 --> 00:37:04,748 Would you like some wine? Something to put you in the mood? 552 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:09,040 Oh, I've been in the mood since the late 1700s. 553 00:37:10,019 --> 00:37:12,668 You're disgusting, but I love you. 554 00:37:13,189 --> 00:37:16,384 Well, my disgustingness is my best feature. 555 00:37:18,570 --> 00:37:20,680 It must be lonely at the front. 556 00:37:20,780 --> 00:37:23,642 How long has it been since you've made love to a woman? 557 00:37:23,742 --> 00:37:26,766 What's today? Monday, Tuesday... 558 00:37:27,162 --> 00:37:28,480 Yeah, two years. 559 00:37:28,580 --> 00:37:31,107 Two years. You remember how, of course. 560 00:37:31,207 --> 00:37:34,231 Well, if you start me, it'll all come back. 561 00:37:38,715 --> 00:37:40,283 Remember that? 562 00:37:40,759 --> 00:37:42,827 Yes. That was just like kissing, right? 563 00:37:58,026 --> 00:38:00,879 You're the greatest lover I've ever had. 564 00:38:01,321 --> 00:38:04,140 Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone. 565 00:38:13,875 --> 00:38:15,402 Shall we say pistols at dawn? 566 00:38:15,502 --> 00:38:16,736 Well, we can say it. 567 00:38:16,836 --> 00:38:18,113 I don't know what it means, but we can say it. 568 00:38:18,213 --> 00:38:20,365 You have insulted the honor of Countess Alexandrovna. 569 00:38:20,465 --> 00:38:21,991 Why? I let her finish first. 570 00:38:22,091 --> 00:38:25,453 - Her seconds will call on you. - Seconds? I never gave her seconds. 571 00:38:25,553 --> 00:38:28,415 As her fiance, my seconds will call on your seconds. 572 00:38:28,515 --> 00:38:31,251 Well, my seconds will be out. Have them call on my thirds. 573 00:38:31,351 --> 00:38:33,829 If my thirds are out, go directly to my fourths. 574 00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:38,550 Boris, he's serious. You must meet him on the field of honor. 575 00:38:38,650 --> 00:38:41,553 I'm not gonna duel with him. He's a marksman and a killer! 576 00:38:41,653 --> 00:38:45,181 - Your honor is at stake! - Hey, what is this? "Slap Boris Day?" 577 00:38:45,281 --> 00:38:46,850 You are a war hero. 578 00:38:46,950 --> 00:38:49,894 Surely a duel with Anton Inbedkov is nothing to fear. 579 00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:52,814 Look, I just don't want to waste a good bullet, that's all. 580 00:38:52,914 --> 00:38:54,733 The kid's rash. He doesn't know what he's saying. 581 00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:57,152 I'll drop by his house later, give him a chance to apologize. 582 00:38:57,252 --> 00:38:59,354 If he doesn't, I'll move to Finland. 583 00:39:08,805 --> 00:39:09,998 - Guess who? - Oh. 584 00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:13,460 Oh, I'd know those hands anywhere! 585 00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:15,378 It's Old Nehamkin! 586 00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:18,882 - No! It's... - Boris! 587 00:39:18,982 --> 00:39:22,093 - Yes. How are you? I brought you a present. - Oh. 588 00:39:22,193 --> 00:39:23,595 What? Oh, what? 589 00:39:23,695 --> 00:39:25,054 You know those earrings you always wanted? 590 00:39:25,154 --> 00:39:26,556 The long ones? 591 00:39:26,656 --> 00:39:28,683 Thank you, Cousin Boris. 592 00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:30,059 Twice removed. 593 00:39:30,159 --> 00:39:32,312 By tomorrow morning, I may be removed completely. 594 00:39:32,412 --> 00:39:34,810 What is it? You look so worried. 595 00:39:35,874 --> 00:39:38,193 Sonja, are you scared of dying? 596 00:39:39,002 --> 00:39:41,446 "Scared" is the wrong word. 597 00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:43,398 I'm frightened of it. 598 00:39:44,549 --> 00:39:46,785 Interesting distinction. 599 00:39:47,484 --> 00:39:50,330 If only God would give me some sign! 600 00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:53,041 If He would just speak to me once! 601 00:39:53,141 --> 00:39:57,496 Anything. One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough. 602 00:39:57,812 --> 00:40:01,416 Of course there's a God! We're made in His image. 603 00:40:02,317 --> 00:40:03,593 You think I was made in God's image? 604 00:40:03,693 --> 00:40:05,678 Take a look at me. You think He wears glasses? 605 00:40:05,778 --> 00:40:07,630 Not with those frames. 606 00:40:08,197 --> 00:40:09,423 Nothingness. 607 00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:12,768 Nonexistence. 608 00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:15,764 Black emptiness. 609 00:40:15,955 --> 00:40:17,482 What'd you say? 610 00:40:18,037 --> 00:40:20,235 I was just planning my future. 611 00:40:20,335 --> 00:40:22,779 Why are you so preoccupied with death? 612 00:40:23,046 --> 00:40:24,989 Sit down with me for a second. 613 00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:28,910 Sonja, tomorrow morning I'm gonna fight a duel with Anton Inbedkov. 614 00:40:29,010 --> 00:40:33,164 He's much better than I am at it, and I'll probably be killed. 615 00:40:33,264 --> 00:40:35,500 I wanted to take this time, if I don't see you again, 616 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:38,086 - to say that I love you. - Boris... 617 00:40:38,186 --> 00:40:39,754 I've always loved you ever since we were kids. 618 00:40:39,854 --> 00:40:42,632 I was heartbroken when you loved Ivan, but I still love you. 619 00:40:42,732 --> 00:40:44,509 Why didn't you say something? 620 00:40:44,609 --> 00:40:47,588 - Would it have mattered? - Oh, of course not, darling. 621 00:40:48,196 --> 00:40:52,221 If by some miracle I'm not killed tomorrow, would you marry me? 622 00:40:53,576 --> 00:40:55,303 What do you think the odds are? 623 00:40:56,420 --> 00:40:59,691 Going to die before the harvest! 624 00:41:00,208 --> 00:41:04,195 The crops, the grains, fields of rippling wheat. 625 00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:07,865 Wheat. All there is in life is wheat! 626 00:41:08,216 --> 00:41:12,196 Sonja, here's your chance to do something kind for a dying boy. 627 00:41:12,428 --> 00:41:17,083 But I don't really love Boris. I mean, I love him, but I'm not in love with him. 628 00:41:17,183 --> 00:41:19,627 Oh, wheat, lots of wheat. 629 00:41:19,727 --> 00:41:23,081 Fields of wheat! A tremendous amount of wheat! 630 00:41:23,231 --> 00:41:26,175 And yet he loves me, and would make a devoted husband. 631 00:41:26,275 --> 00:41:28,219 Not too exciting, but devoted. 632 00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:31,222 We'd have a family. Maybe not our own. We could rent one. 633 00:41:31,322 --> 00:41:35,017 I could learn to love him. Me, Boris and six rented children. 634 00:41:35,329 --> 00:41:38,354 Or would I feel trapped? Suffocated? Can't breathe! 635 00:41:38,454 --> 00:41:42,442 Open a window. No, no, no. Not that one. The one in the bathroom. 636 00:41:42,542 --> 00:41:46,522 Yellow wheat, red wheat, wheat with feathers, Cream of Wheat! 637 00:41:46,921 --> 00:41:49,282 Poor boy, dueling with Anton Inbedkov! 638 00:41:49,382 --> 00:41:50,491 By this time tomorrow morning, 639 00:41:50,591 --> 00:41:53,202 my beloved Cousin Boris will look like a Swiss cheese. 640 00:41:53,302 --> 00:41:56,372 Promise him anything. Make him happy for a night. 641 00:41:56,472 --> 00:42:00,209 Oh! Or would I feel trapped? Suffocated? My youth gone! 642 00:42:00,309 --> 00:42:03,379 Living with a Swiss cheese and rented children. 643 00:42:03,479 --> 00:42:07,049 Of course, I'll marry you, Boris. It would be an honor for me. 644 00:42:11,946 --> 00:42:15,471 This Anton Inbedkov, he is a good shot, isn't he? 645 00:42:15,783 --> 00:42:17,726 - I'm afraid so. - Well... 646 00:42:18,119 --> 00:42:20,688 Since this may be your last night on Earth, 647 00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:23,061 let's go back to my room and make love. 648 00:42:23,332 --> 00:42:25,730 Oh, nice idea. 649 00:42:25,835 --> 00:42:27,937 I'll bring the soy sauce. 650 00:43:00,328 --> 00:43:04,148 At last! You're late, Boris Grushenko. We thought you weren't coming. 651 00:43:04,248 --> 00:43:08,194 - Well, I overslept. - Can you be so relaxed and confident? 652 00:43:08,628 --> 00:43:11,322 You know, I hate to shoot anybody before I've had my morning tea. 653 00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:13,241 I get a lot of bad mail from the serfs. 654 00:43:13,341 --> 00:43:15,952 I implore both of you, come back to your senses. 655 00:43:16,052 --> 00:43:20,081 There is still time to call it off, by mutual consent, with no loss of honor. 656 00:43:20,181 --> 00:43:22,875 Since you put it that way, maybe I will hop back into bed. 657 00:43:22,975 --> 00:43:24,668 We'll do it now. 658 00:43:25,269 --> 00:43:26,671 And to the death. 659 00:43:26,771 --> 00:43:30,008 Oh, no, I can't do anything to the death. Doctor's orders. 660 00:43:30,108 --> 00:43:33,553 I have an ulcer condition, and dying is one of the worst things for it. 661 00:43:33,653 --> 00:43:34,925 Begin! 662 00:43:36,864 --> 00:43:39,467 You have been challenged. Choose. 663 00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:40,926 Oh. 664 00:43:42,370 --> 00:43:43,642 Sure. 665 00:43:45,289 --> 00:43:46,561 Oh. 666 00:43:47,333 --> 00:43:48,985 All right. I'll take these. 667 00:43:49,085 --> 00:43:50,319 Just one. 668 00:43:50,419 --> 00:43:53,443 Oh, he gets one! That was silly. 669 00:43:54,382 --> 00:43:56,985 Starting back-to-back, on my signal, 670 00:43:57,260 --> 00:44:00,455 you will walk 10 paces, turn and fire. 671 00:44:01,556 --> 00:44:03,499 - Is that clear? - Of course. 672 00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:05,327 Of course. 673 00:44:08,229 --> 00:44:11,082 Good luck. And God be with you both. 674 00:44:11,399 --> 00:44:13,001 You listening? 675 00:44:20,616 --> 00:44:22,684 One, two. 676 00:44:22,827 --> 00:44:25,350 Three, four, five, 677 00:44:25,913 --> 00:44:28,687 six, seven, eight, 678 00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:30,727 nine, 10! 679 00:44:54,275 --> 00:44:57,174 Does this come out from dry cleaning or is this like gravy? 680 00:44:57,445 --> 00:44:58,797 You must shoot. 681 00:44:59,238 --> 00:45:01,015 No, no, no. I don't wanna shoot. 682 00:45:01,115 --> 00:45:02,967 You must! It's the law. 683 00:45:04,619 --> 00:45:08,189 Well, if it's the law, then I'll shoot in the air. 684 00:45:09,457 --> 00:45:11,810 There! I fulfilled my obligation. 685 00:45:18,174 --> 00:45:22,578 Boris Dimitrovitch, I've learned a great lesson here today. 686 00:45:22,678 --> 00:45:23,704 Yes, me too. 687 00:45:23,804 --> 00:45:26,248 Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it. 688 00:45:26,432 --> 00:45:29,669 You could have killed me, and you didn't! 689 00:45:29,769 --> 00:45:31,420 How can I ever repay you? 690 00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:34,006 Well, you can start by getting off my toe. 691 00:45:34,106 --> 00:45:35,879 Oh, I beg your pardon. 692 00:45:36,734 --> 00:45:40,263 Boris Dimitrovitch, from this day on, I will lead a new life. 693 00:45:40,363 --> 00:45:42,306 I will modify my views. 694 00:45:42,531 --> 00:45:45,601 I will preach goodness. Perhaps join the church. 695 00:45:45,701 --> 00:45:47,974 I will lead a righteous life. 696 00:45:48,412 --> 00:45:51,691 Devote myself, as I did in my childhood, to my singing. 697 00:45:55,753 --> 00:45:59,115 He's got a great voice, hasn't he? I should've shot him. 698 00:45:59,215 --> 00:46:01,534 So, Sonja and I married. 699 00:46:01,634 --> 00:46:05,079 I know pronounce you man and wife. 700 00:46:05,596 --> 00:46:06,747 Oh! 701 00:46:06,847 --> 00:46:08,449 I'm so happy! 702 00:46:08,975 --> 00:46:11,794 Look at the kid, she's so happy, she's speechless. 703 00:46:11,894 --> 00:46:13,462 He missed. 704 00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:16,836 He missed it. He missed. 705 00:46:25,992 --> 00:46:26,976 I know what's bothering you. 706 00:46:27,076 --> 00:46:29,770 You're worried whether you're gonna be a stimulating enough wife for me. 707 00:46:29,954 --> 00:46:33,774 Whether it's possible to live up to the chores and obligations of married life. 708 00:46:33,874 --> 00:46:36,235 But it's gonna be a cinch. I promise. 709 00:46:36,335 --> 00:46:38,487 I have no bad habits at all. 710 00:46:38,587 --> 00:46:40,948 Granted, I have a few eccentricities. 711 00:46:41,048 --> 00:46:43,576 I won't eat any food that begins with the letter "F," 712 00:46:43,676 --> 00:46:45,077 like chicken for instance. 713 00:46:45,177 --> 00:46:47,747 Boris, I just don't love you. 714 00:46:47,847 --> 00:46:48,873 Oh, Sonja... 715 00:46:48,973 --> 00:46:52,168 Oh, I mean I love you, but I'm not in love with you. 716 00:46:52,268 --> 00:46:54,503 Sonja, do you even know what love means? 717 00:46:54,603 --> 00:46:57,215 There are many different kinds of love, Boris. 718 00:46:57,315 --> 00:46:59,967 There's love between a man and a woman, 719 00:47:00,067 --> 00:47:02,053 love between a mother and a son. 720 00:47:02,153 --> 00:47:04,263 Two women. Let's not forget my favorite. 721 00:47:04,363 --> 00:47:06,515 But then there's the love I've always dreamed of 722 00:47:06,615 --> 00:47:09,060 - ever since I was a little girl. - Yeah. 723 00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:12,355 The love between two extraordinary individuals. 724 00:47:12,580 --> 00:47:13,772 Sonja. 725 00:47:13,914 --> 00:47:15,982 Oh, don't, Boris. Please! 726 00:47:16,625 --> 00:47:19,399 Sex without love is an empty experience. 727 00:47:20,254 --> 00:47:24,109 Yes, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. 728 00:47:28,429 --> 00:47:31,032 At first, things were a little tense between us. 729 00:47:32,475 --> 00:47:34,248 But after a while, she relaxed. 730 00:47:42,068 --> 00:47:43,886 Don't. Not here. 731 00:47:47,114 --> 00:47:49,642 Soon Sonja got more used to me. 732 00:47:49,742 --> 00:47:52,353 Sometimes she actually had fun. 733 00:47:52,453 --> 00:47:55,397 Like the time she baked her first soufflé. 734 00:48:02,922 --> 00:48:04,156 Money was scarce, 735 00:48:04,256 --> 00:48:07,034 and Sonja learned to make wonderful dishes out of snow. 736 00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:08,995 Sweetheart, it looks a little rare to me. 737 00:48:09,095 --> 00:48:10,997 Oh, I left it in the oven for an hour-and-a-half. 738 00:48:11,097 --> 00:48:13,916 Did you? 'Cause it looks, you know, it's all... What's for dessert? 739 00:48:14,016 --> 00:48:16,043 - A surprise, Boris. - Yes, what? 740 00:48:16,143 --> 00:48:17,837 A nice, big bowl of sleet! 741 00:48:17,937 --> 00:48:20,961 Oh, sleet, my favorite! That's wonderful. 742 00:48:21,774 --> 00:48:24,051 Evenings we played music together. 743 00:48:24,151 --> 00:48:26,754 And as time passed, I won her heart. 744 00:48:27,488 --> 00:48:30,967 Oh, Boris, I've never been so happy in my entire life! 745 00:48:31,367 --> 00:48:35,021 I love you, Boris, in a deeper way than I ever thought was possible. 746 00:48:35,121 --> 00:48:36,438 Really? 747 00:48:38,332 --> 00:48:40,318 I want to have children with you. 748 00:48:40,418 --> 00:48:42,395 - What kind? - Little children. 749 00:48:42,670 --> 00:48:45,656 Of course! The big ones are mentally slower. 750 00:48:45,756 --> 00:48:48,359 - I want to have three children. - One of each. 751 00:48:48,676 --> 00:48:52,747 Oh, Boris... Boris, I'm actually happy. 752 00:48:53,013 --> 00:48:55,491 Well, I hate to say I told you so, 753 00:48:55,683 --> 00:48:58,161 but some men have it, and some men don't. 754 00:48:58,436 --> 00:49:01,415 Fortunately, I have so much of it. 755 00:49:02,314 --> 00:49:05,714 Those next months were the happiest time of my life. 756 00:49:14,285 --> 00:49:17,396 Then one day, at the height of my sense of well-being, 757 00:49:17,496 --> 00:49:19,565 I suddenly and for no apparent reason 758 00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:22,610 was seized with an urge to commit suicide. 759 00:49:22,710 --> 00:49:25,029 No. You're healthy. You have a beautiful wife. 760 00:49:25,129 --> 00:49:26,739 Your work is going well. 761 00:49:26,839 --> 00:49:29,158 - I know, but something's missing. - What? 762 00:49:29,258 --> 00:49:31,786 I don't know. I feel a void at the center of my being. 763 00:49:31,886 --> 00:49:33,287 What kind of void? 764 00:49:33,387 --> 00:49:36,040 - Well, an empty void. - Empty void? 765 00:49:36,140 --> 00:49:39,377 Yes. I felt a full void about a month ago, but it was just something I ate. 766 00:49:39,477 --> 00:49:42,581 Maybe what you have is a sickness of the soul. 767 00:49:43,731 --> 00:49:46,175 - Look! There's Death! - What? Who? 768 00:49:46,567 --> 00:49:48,669 Death! He's got Krapotkin, the wine merchant. 769 00:49:49,111 --> 00:49:51,339 - Really? - Yeah, and a woman. 770 00:49:51,739 --> 00:49:53,724 Ooh, it's not Mrs. Krapotkin! 771 00:49:53,824 --> 00:49:55,226 - You're kidding? - No. 772 00:49:55,326 --> 00:49:58,145 I always knew Krapotkin was diddling somebody else. 773 00:49:58,621 --> 00:50:00,606 Where are you taking Krapotkin? 774 00:50:00,706 --> 00:50:02,566 Away. Forever. 775 00:50:02,666 --> 00:50:06,191 Listen, if you run into my wife, tell her I'm with you. 776 00:50:06,420 --> 00:50:07,817 Goodbye, Krapotkin. 777 00:50:08,214 --> 00:50:09,907 If you get a chance, write. 778 00:50:13,135 --> 00:50:17,456 Father Andre, holiest of holies, aged and wise, 779 00:50:17,598 --> 00:50:20,835 you are the most wrinkled man in the entire country. 780 00:50:20,935 --> 00:50:24,164 Get off my beard, you little jerk! 781 00:50:24,980 --> 00:50:26,081 Oh. 782 00:50:26,232 --> 00:50:28,008 Rise, my child. 783 00:50:28,108 --> 00:50:30,552 - Rise! - I'm standing. 784 00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:34,427 My eyesight is poor. 785 00:50:35,616 --> 00:50:37,685 Everyone says you're senile with age 786 00:50:37,785 --> 00:50:39,562 but you're the only one that can help me. 787 00:50:39,662 --> 00:50:41,890 I don't think you're senile. 788 00:50:42,122 --> 00:50:45,977 - Where did you say the fish was caught? - What fish? 789 00:50:46,502 --> 00:50:49,029 Didn't you say something about fish? 790 00:50:49,129 --> 00:50:52,574 Father, Boris is trying to commit suicide! 791 00:50:52,967 --> 00:50:57,288 Last week he contemplated killing himself by inhaling next to an Armenian. 792 00:50:57,388 --> 00:50:59,707 Tell Boris this. 793 00:51:00,599 --> 00:51:03,748 I have lived many years. 794 00:51:03,936 --> 00:51:09,884 And after many trials and tribulations, 795 00:51:10,150 --> 00:51:15,723 I have come to the conclusion that the best thing is... 796 00:51:15,823 --> 00:51:16,970 Yes? 797 00:51:17,157 --> 00:51:21,933 - Blonde, 12-year-old girls! - Father... 798 00:51:22,371 --> 00:51:25,357 Two of them, whenever possible. 799 00:51:25,457 --> 00:51:27,480 Father, I counted on you! 800 00:51:28,502 --> 00:51:30,275 I forgive you. 801 00:51:30,671 --> 00:51:32,031 I forgive you. 802 00:51:32,131 --> 00:51:34,950 Yes, thank you, thank you, Your Grubbiness. 803 00:51:38,387 --> 00:51:40,331 As I dangled at the rope's end, 804 00:51:40,431 --> 00:51:42,533 I was suddenly seized with an urge to live. 805 00:51:43,267 --> 00:51:45,252 All I could think of was Sonja. 806 00:51:45,352 --> 00:51:48,672 I wanted to hold her close to me, weep tears on her shoulder 807 00:51:48,772 --> 00:51:50,795 and engage in oral sex. 808 00:51:51,066 --> 00:51:53,344 It was then that I made the decision to live. 809 00:51:53,444 --> 00:51:55,797 To live and become a great poet. 810 00:51:56,196 --> 00:51:58,424 I should have been 811 00:51:58,949 --> 00:52:03,805 a pair of ragged claws 812 00:52:04,371 --> 00:52:07,816 scuttling across 813 00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:10,603 the floors 814 00:52:10,711 --> 00:52:13,655 of silent seas. 815 00:52:15,797 --> 00:52:17,280 Too sentimental! 816 00:52:19,762 --> 00:52:22,790 That winter, Sonja and I had a wonderful time. 817 00:52:22,890 --> 00:52:26,168 We found a new friend, Berdykov, the village idiot. 818 00:52:26,268 --> 00:52:30,422 Berdykov would sit smiling for days, and stroke a little piece of velvet 819 00:52:30,522 --> 00:52:33,467 while Sonja would make him happy by feeding him cookies. 820 00:52:33,567 --> 00:52:36,971 We looked forward to the spring when we could have a child of our own. 821 00:52:37,071 --> 00:52:38,889 Little did we know. 822 00:52:39,448 --> 00:52:42,017 War! Napoleon has invaded Russia! 823 00:52:42,117 --> 00:52:44,015 It's war! War! 824 00:52:48,374 --> 00:52:51,819 Oh, what about all our plans? We were gonna be parents this year. 825 00:52:51,919 --> 00:52:53,612 Well, there's gonna be a slight change in our plans. 826 00:52:53,712 --> 00:52:55,698 Instead of parents, we're gonna be refugees. 827 00:52:55,798 --> 00:52:57,400 Well, that's terrible! 828 00:52:57,716 --> 00:53:00,327 We have to take our possessions and flee. I'm very good at that. 829 00:53:00,427 --> 00:53:03,831 I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row. 830 00:53:03,931 --> 00:53:06,458 Then we have to remember to burn the food so the French don't get it. 831 00:53:06,558 --> 00:53:08,127 Although I know it's tough to light borscht. 832 00:53:08,227 --> 00:53:09,378 - Boris. - What? 833 00:53:09,478 --> 00:53:11,046 - I have an idea. - What? 834 00:53:12,106 --> 00:53:14,379 Let's assassinate Napoleon. 835 00:53:15,025 --> 00:53:16,844 Yeah, interesting. It's getting a little late. 836 00:53:16,944 --> 00:53:18,137 You want to start knitting dinner? 837 00:53:18,237 --> 00:53:20,681 - I'm serious. - What do you mean you're serious? 838 00:53:20,781 --> 00:53:23,225 I mean, let's you and I kill Napoleon. 839 00:53:23,325 --> 00:53:26,520 Sonja, you been drinking from the glass we use for the village idiot? 840 00:53:26,620 --> 00:53:28,564 It's the answer to all our problems. 841 00:53:28,664 --> 00:53:31,483 No, it's not the answer. It's an answer. And it's the wrong answer. 842 00:53:31,583 --> 00:53:35,062 The correct answer is "flee." F-L-E-A. Flee. 843 00:53:35,254 --> 00:53:36,947 No, no, the French occupy Moscow. 844 00:53:37,047 --> 00:53:38,866 - His headquarters are there. - Sonja... 845 00:53:38,966 --> 00:53:41,410 Two innocent-looking types like us could work our way in to see him, 846 00:53:41,510 --> 00:53:42,578 and then shoot him. 847 00:53:42,678 --> 00:53:45,289 Sonja, we'd never get near him. If we did, we'd shoot and miss. 848 00:53:45,389 --> 00:53:47,374 He's a tough target. He's very small. 849 00:53:47,474 --> 00:53:50,294 Boris, it's our chance to perform a truly heroic act! 850 00:53:50,394 --> 00:53:52,713 Since when is murder a heroic act? 851 00:53:52,813 --> 00:53:56,087 Violence is justified in the service of mankind. 852 00:53:56,442 --> 00:53:58,886 - Who said that? - Attila the Hun. 853 00:53:59,278 --> 00:54:01,096 You're quoting a Hun to me? 854 00:54:01,196 --> 00:54:04,391 Don't you know that murder carries with it a moral imperative 855 00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:08,687 that transcends any notion of the inherent universal free will? 856 00:54:08,829 --> 00:54:13,184 Oh, that is incredibly jejune! 857 00:54:14,752 --> 00:54:16,900 - That's jejune? - Jejune! 858 00:54:17,045 --> 00:54:21,241 You have the temerity to say that I'm talking to you out of jejune-osity? 859 00:54:21,341 --> 00:54:24,615 I'm one of the most "june" people in all of the Russias! 860 00:54:24,762 --> 00:54:26,614 I have Ivan's old pistol! 861 00:54:27,014 --> 00:54:30,918 Sonja, political assassination doesn't work. Violence leads to violence. 862 00:54:31,018 --> 00:54:33,587 He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. 863 00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:35,589 Well, I'm out of clichés now. 864 00:54:35,689 --> 00:54:37,591 What, are you suggesting passive resistance? 865 00:54:37,691 --> 00:54:39,927 No, I'm suggesting active fleeing. 866 00:54:40,027 --> 00:54:41,679 You can't run away all your life. 867 00:54:41,779 --> 00:54:45,933 I know, but murder! The most foul of all crimes. 868 00:54:46,033 --> 00:54:50,104 And, not abstract murder, shooting a rifle at an unknown enemy on the battlefield, 869 00:54:50,204 --> 00:54:53,315 but standing in a closed room with a live human being 870 00:54:53,415 --> 00:54:55,442 and pulling the trigger face-to-face 871 00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:58,362 and a famous human being, a successful one, 872 00:54:58,462 --> 00:55:00,364 one who earns more than I do. 873 00:55:00,464 --> 00:55:03,367 My God, you figure Napoleon, why he's gotta be good for 874 00:55:03,467 --> 00:55:06,036 10,000 francs a week, that's minimum! That's minimum. 875 00:55:06,136 --> 00:55:08,789 That's without tips or extras. Nothing like that. 876 00:55:08,889 --> 00:55:10,791 And me, what am I? 877 00:55:10,891 --> 00:55:14,420 He's a great man. He thinks like the super man, 878 00:55:14,520 --> 00:55:17,214 and I'm just a worm, an insect. 879 00:55:17,314 --> 00:55:22,511 Some kind of crawling, disgusting, creeping little vermin. 880 00:55:23,362 --> 00:55:26,598 - You know you can stop me. - I will when I disagree. 881 00:55:26,698 --> 00:55:29,393 Oh, Sonja, who are we to kill somebody? 882 00:55:29,493 --> 00:55:33,522 Boris, for the first time in my life, I feel free! Weightless! 883 00:55:33,622 --> 00:55:37,352 I have an exhilarating feeling of human freedom! 884 00:55:37,709 --> 00:55:39,194 It's called the guillotine. 885 00:55:39,294 --> 00:55:40,404 Oh, look, Boris. 886 00:55:40,504 --> 00:55:44,616 Look, the soft golden dusk is already transmogrifying itself 887 00:55:44,716 --> 00:55:47,293 into the blue star-sprinkled night. 888 00:55:48,428 --> 00:55:51,281 Careful, 'cause that gun may be loaded. 889 00:55:51,473 --> 00:55:54,042 Several days later, we set out for Moscow. 890 00:55:54,142 --> 00:55:56,336 We took Berdykov with us part way. 891 00:55:56,436 --> 00:55:57,921 He was on his way to Minsk. 892 00:55:58,021 --> 00:55:59,965 There was a village idiots' convention in Minsk, 893 00:56:00,065 --> 00:56:02,468 and Berdykov was planning to attend. 894 00:56:02,568 --> 00:56:05,592 Village idiots from all over Russia were meeting there. 895 00:56:15,247 --> 00:56:18,358 We drove through small villages and tiny hamlets. 896 00:56:18,458 --> 00:56:20,027 We had no great plan, 897 00:56:20,127 --> 00:56:23,614 but when we stopped at an inn along the way, fate provided one. 898 00:56:34,266 --> 00:56:38,754 Pardon me, could you tell me who those people are behind that screen? 899 00:56:38,854 --> 00:56:42,254 That's Don Francisco of Spain and his sister. 900 00:56:42,482 --> 00:56:44,300 They're en route to meet Napoleon. 901 00:56:56,204 --> 00:56:58,272 Don Francisco, I presume. 902 00:56:58,540 --> 00:57:00,025 Do you know me, señor? 903 00:57:00,125 --> 00:57:03,195 Oh, let's just say your name is legend in these parts. 904 00:57:03,712 --> 00:57:04,813 It is? 905 00:57:04,963 --> 00:57:09,034 Well, perhaps not legend, but it never fails to get a big laugh. 906 00:57:09,176 --> 00:57:14,533 And you must be the Don's sister, the noted Spanish countess and meeskeit. 907 00:57:14,723 --> 00:57:16,075 Who are you? 908 00:57:16,622 --> 00:57:20,295 Just a humble servant who wishes to buy His Excellency a drink. 909 00:57:20,395 --> 00:57:22,463 Oh, I would be honored. 910 00:57:22,731 --> 00:57:27,344 Waiter, a bottle of your best red wine, please, and two straws. 911 00:57:27,444 --> 00:57:28,921 Two straws! 912 00:57:29,529 --> 00:57:32,678 Word has it the Don is en route to visit Napoleon. 913 00:57:34,159 --> 00:57:36,182 Word travels fast. 914 00:57:37,079 --> 00:57:40,103 Not as fast as good news. 915 00:57:40,624 --> 00:57:43,398 No news is good news. 916 00:57:43,710 --> 00:57:47,030 Here today, gone tomorrow. 917 00:57:47,965 --> 00:57:51,368 You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. 918 00:57:51,468 --> 00:57:52,870 Your turn. 919 00:57:52,970 --> 00:57:55,372 We would invite you to join us 920 00:57:55,472 --> 00:57:59,209 but the difference in social rank and wealth, it makes it silly. 921 00:57:59,309 --> 00:58:03,414 Oh, yes, I threw this on. It's a knockdown. 922 00:58:03,814 --> 00:58:06,463 You guys know Napoleon or what? 923 00:58:06,858 --> 00:58:07,926 Hardly. 924 00:58:11,488 --> 00:58:13,181 A joke, Your Nothingness? 925 00:58:13,615 --> 00:58:16,977 We are friends with his brother, who is arranging the affairs of Spain, 926 00:58:17,077 --> 00:58:20,852 but this is our first meeting with the great Emperor. 927 00:58:23,959 --> 00:58:25,606 That's all I wanted to know. 928 00:58:28,422 --> 00:58:31,366 - Don Francisco? - Pardon me? 929 00:58:31,550 --> 00:58:34,699 I'm having trouble adjusting my belt. 930 00:58:35,095 --> 00:58:38,415 You think you could come over here and hold my... bosom for a while? 931 00:58:40,100 --> 00:58:41,452 Of course, señorita. 932 00:59:24,644 --> 00:59:28,123 No, no, no. It's not what I had in mind! 933 00:59:28,690 --> 00:59:30,884 It should have more cream between the crust, 934 00:59:30,984 --> 00:59:32,586 and no raisins! 935 00:59:32,694 --> 00:59:35,798 - But at our last meeting, you said raisins. - No! 936 00:59:36,656 --> 00:59:40,102 If this pastry is to bear my name, it must be richer. 937 00:59:40,202 --> 00:59:41,599 More cream. 938 00:59:41,912 --> 00:59:44,439 - Is there time? - Very little. 939 00:59:44,539 --> 00:59:47,275 My spies tell me that my illustrious British enemy 940 00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:52,356 is working on a new meat recipe which he plans to call Beef Wellington. 941 00:59:53,131 --> 00:59:55,075 It will never get off the ground. 942 00:59:55,175 --> 00:59:59,280 We must develop the Napoleon before he develops Beef Wellington. 943 01:00:00,847 --> 01:00:03,791 The future of Europe hangs in the balance. 944 01:00:04,017 --> 01:00:05,915 Yes, Your Highness. 945 01:00:07,104 --> 01:00:09,252 We must see you, Your Highness. 946 01:00:10,190 --> 01:00:13,051 We have reason to believe that there is a plot to take your life. 947 01:00:14,653 --> 01:00:19,182 That's why we've made up an obscure private from the ranks to look like you. 948 01:00:19,282 --> 01:00:21,976 - Look. - How do you do, Your Highness? 949 01:00:23,078 --> 01:00:24,646 He looks like me? 950 01:00:24,746 --> 01:00:27,315 You're seeing him without his rug. 951 01:00:33,797 --> 01:00:35,032 Come. 952 01:00:35,132 --> 01:00:37,906 Just let me get this on, Your Highness. 953 01:00:39,052 --> 01:00:41,280 And now, I take your place. 954 01:00:43,390 --> 01:00:47,620 I will teach you to walk like me. I have a great walk. 955 01:00:49,771 --> 01:00:54,468 With the Emperor out of the way, all that remains is to kill Don Francisco. 956 01:00:55,318 --> 01:01:00,015 That will destroy His Highness's stupid dreams of a treaty with Spain. 957 01:01:01,324 --> 01:01:07,181 Then I'll sail to Austria and form an alliance with the crown. 958 01:01:07,581 --> 01:01:10,355 Not the king, just the crown. 959 01:01:11,918 --> 01:01:13,612 They call me mad, 960 01:01:13,712 --> 01:01:17,032 but one day when the history of France is written, 961 01:01:17,215 --> 01:01:19,693 they will mark my name well. 962 01:01:20,760 --> 01:01:22,533 Sidney Applebaum! 963 01:01:36,359 --> 01:01:38,632 We're here to see the Emperor. 964 01:01:39,154 --> 01:01:40,722 Who is calling? 965 01:01:46,453 --> 01:01:49,314 - Who? Oh, that's droll! - Droll, yes. 966 01:01:49,414 --> 01:01:53,693 Apparently, he's not familiar with the list of the 100 most important "Spanishers." 967 01:01:53,793 --> 01:01:56,947 Yes! It is only Don Francisco and his sister. 968 01:01:57,047 --> 01:01:58,740 Yes, the "Donessa." 969 01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:00,742 Yes. We have an appointment with Napoleon. 970 01:02:00,842 --> 01:02:04,246 Right. Napoleon Bonaparte, the noted international tyrant. 971 01:02:04,346 --> 01:02:08,208 - You? You are Don Francisco and his sister? - Oh, for sure. 972 01:02:08,308 --> 01:02:11,211 - Well, we've had a long, a hot journey. - A hot journey. 973 01:02:11,311 --> 01:02:12,504 And our throats are parched. 974 01:02:12,604 --> 01:02:13,922 They're parched. Our throats, they're parched. 975 01:02:14,022 --> 01:02:16,758 - Parched! We seek succor. Succor! Succor! - Yes. Succor! Succor! 976 01:02:16,858 --> 01:02:19,461 Yes, is succor here by any chance? 977 01:02:19,986 --> 01:02:21,930 I never knew your name, madam. 978 01:02:22,030 --> 01:02:26,560 Oh... the boys usually just call me Juanita. 979 01:02:26,660 --> 01:02:27,761 Juanita. 980 01:02:27,994 --> 01:02:30,522 Juanita. 981 01:02:31,294 --> 01:02:34,985 Juanita. The Emperor is a man who appreciates magnificent women. 982 01:02:35,085 --> 01:02:36,736 He'll be much taken with you. 983 01:02:36,836 --> 01:02:38,405 Good! I wore my flats. 984 01:02:38,505 --> 01:02:42,159 We are of course all most anxious to hear your proposal for a treaty. 985 01:02:42,259 --> 01:02:44,911 Oh, good. Yes, I've given it a lot of thought 986 01:02:45,011 --> 01:02:46,913 and I've come up with all the little details, you know. 987 01:02:47,013 --> 01:02:50,208 Now if I can just think of the main points, we got something. 988 01:02:50,308 --> 01:02:53,128 Well, there is no time for business. You've had a wearing journey. 989 01:02:53,228 --> 01:02:55,505 Yes, well, we should say hello to the Emperor. 990 01:02:55,605 --> 01:02:57,757 That's right. Shorts gets touchy if we bypass him. 991 01:02:57,857 --> 01:02:59,176 There will be time for that later. 992 01:02:59,276 --> 01:03:00,760 First, you'll be shown your quarters 993 01:03:00,860 --> 01:03:03,805 and wined and dined in a manner befitting Spanish nobility. 994 01:03:03,905 --> 01:03:06,183 Oh, wonderful! But go easy on the champagne. 995 01:03:06,283 --> 01:03:07,642 The Donessa has gout. 996 01:03:07,742 --> 01:03:10,937 Well, if you'll proceed, your needs will be attended to. 997 01:03:11,037 --> 01:03:12,480 Oh, thank you. 998 01:03:13,665 --> 01:03:15,442 While you're here with your sister, 999 01:03:15,542 --> 01:03:18,111 should you desire a little blonde French love dream 1000 01:03:18,211 --> 01:03:20,697 to be sent to your room, it will be arranged. 1001 01:03:20,797 --> 01:03:24,576 Good, good. Maybe I'll have two to keep the symmetry perfect. 1002 01:03:24,676 --> 01:03:26,244 I prefer two myself! 1003 01:03:26,344 --> 01:03:29,539 I prefer three, but it's hard enough to get one. 1004 01:03:40,108 --> 01:03:42,719 This room big enough for you? Or would you prefer a suite? 1005 01:03:42,819 --> 01:03:44,429 Boris... Boris, I'm scared. 1006 01:03:44,529 --> 01:03:46,431 You're scared? I'm growing a beak and feathers. 1007 01:03:46,531 --> 01:03:49,100 - What are we gonna do? - I say we get out of here now! 1008 01:03:49,200 --> 01:03:52,520 I'm not leaving here until we shoot Napoleon. Here. 1009 01:03:52,620 --> 01:03:54,731 Oh, I see. Thanks! I'm the hitman. 1010 01:03:54,831 --> 01:03:57,943 Remember. You can't take any chances. 1011 01:03:58,043 --> 01:04:03,491 Now make sure the barrel of the gun is pressed against his head or his chest. 1012 01:04:03,882 --> 01:04:07,327 And don't pull the trigger, Boris. Squeeze it. 1013 01:04:08,345 --> 01:04:11,206 Hey, where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship? 1014 01:04:11,306 --> 01:04:13,667 Let's just make sure our plans are straight. 1015 01:04:13,767 --> 01:04:14,751 Okay, here's one. 1016 01:04:14,851 --> 01:04:17,379 You flirt with him, bring him back here after dinner, 1017 01:04:17,479 --> 01:04:20,507 lull him into a state of satisfaction, and I'll shoot him. 1018 01:04:20,607 --> 01:04:24,007 "I'll shoot him." Can you believe I'm talking like this? 1019 01:04:26,863 --> 01:04:30,183 Yes! Yes, Spain is quite warm this time of year. 1020 01:04:30,283 --> 01:04:32,394 Barcelona is warmer than Madrid, 1021 01:04:32,494 --> 01:04:37,725 but then, the people are so different, the Barcelonians and the Madridniks. 1022 01:04:37,957 --> 01:04:41,561 Are all the ladies in Spain, as beautiful as you are, madam? 1023 01:04:41,661 --> 01:04:44,823 Oh, well, not all. You've gotta have some beasts. 1024 01:04:45,665 --> 01:04:47,701 Oh, General! Do excuse me, madam. 1025 01:04:47,801 --> 01:04:50,203 Oh, yes, yes. 1026 01:04:50,303 --> 01:04:52,414 Take it easy, will you? You're making a fool of yourself. 1027 01:04:52,514 --> 01:04:54,082 - Hey, this is good champagne. - Yeah? 1028 01:04:54,182 --> 01:04:56,376 Have you had enough, or are you gonna drink another case? 1029 01:04:56,476 --> 01:04:58,420 I'll be fine. All I need is a few solids. 1030 01:04:58,520 --> 01:05:00,588 A few solids? You should drink a blotter! 1031 01:05:00,688 --> 01:05:04,342 Oh, I believe I had the pleasure of meeting your sister once. 1032 01:05:04,442 --> 01:05:06,253 My sister? Which one? 1033 01:05:06,653 --> 01:05:09,639 - I thought you only had one. - One? One? No. 1034 01:05:09,739 --> 01:05:13,143 Oh, no, no. Actually, well, I have a half-sister. 1035 01:05:13,243 --> 01:05:14,477 Well, no, not exactly half. 1036 01:05:14,577 --> 01:05:16,896 - It's two-fifths. - Oh. 1037 01:05:16,996 --> 01:05:18,690 Ladies and gentlemen, 1038 01:05:18,790 --> 01:05:22,611 His Imperial Highness, the Emperor Napoleon. 1039 01:05:33,179 --> 01:05:34,622 So you are Don Francisco! 1040 01:05:34,722 --> 01:05:36,916 Yes, I have regards from your brother in Spain. 1041 01:05:37,016 --> 01:05:38,668 Says you went away, you don't write, nothing. 1042 01:05:38,768 --> 01:05:40,545 Comes a Friday night, he never hears from you. 1043 01:05:40,645 --> 01:05:42,589 You took his razor, you never returned it. 1044 01:05:42,689 --> 01:05:45,425 - This is an honor for me. - No, it's a greater honor for me. 1045 01:05:45,525 --> 01:05:48,428 - No, a greater honor for me. - No, it's a greater honor for me. 1046 01:05:48,528 --> 01:05:49,929 No, a greater honor for me. 1047 01:05:50,029 --> 01:05:52,265 Well, perhaps you are right. Perhaps it is a greater honor for you. 1048 01:05:52,365 --> 01:05:54,184 And you must be Don Francisco's sister. 1049 01:05:54,284 --> 01:06:00,106 No, you must be Don Francisco's sister. 1050 01:06:00,206 --> 01:06:01,649 No, it's a greater honor for me. 1051 01:06:01,749 --> 01:06:04,361 I see our Spanish guests have a sense of humor. 1052 01:06:04,461 --> 01:06:06,988 - Yeah, she's a great kidder. - No, you're a great kidder. 1053 01:06:07,088 --> 01:06:08,865 No, you're Don Francisco's sister. 1054 01:06:08,965 --> 01:06:11,614 - Shall we dine? - Oh, can we eat first? 1055 01:06:21,561 --> 01:06:26,087 Your sister and His Highness seem to be getting along quite well. 1056 01:06:26,483 --> 01:06:28,259 Do you find me attractive as a man? 1057 01:06:28,359 --> 01:06:30,928 Yes! I think that's your best bet. 1058 01:06:31,237 --> 01:06:34,849 How much of your feelings for me are because I've conquered half of Europe? 1059 01:06:34,949 --> 01:06:37,227 Oh, I'd say half my feelings. It evens out. 1060 01:06:37,327 --> 01:06:40,313 I wonder if you should be more difficult to conquer than Russia? 1061 01:06:40,413 --> 01:06:41,981 Well, I weigh less. 1062 01:06:42,081 --> 01:06:43,733 I'll go to your room after dinner. 1063 01:06:43,833 --> 01:06:45,731 Good. I'll go to yours. 1064 01:06:53,510 --> 01:06:54,862 Come in. 1065 01:06:57,096 --> 01:07:01,000 Sonja... Sonja, I've been thinking about this. It's murder! 1066 01:07:01,100 --> 01:07:04,170 What if everybody acted like this? It'd be a world full of murderers! 1067 01:07:04,270 --> 01:07:05,839 You know what that would do to property values? 1068 01:07:05,939 --> 01:07:08,508 I know! And if everybody went to the same restaurant 1069 01:07:08,608 --> 01:07:10,176 on the same evening and ordered blintzes, 1070 01:07:10,276 --> 01:07:12,637 there'd be chaos, but they don't. 1071 01:07:12,737 --> 01:07:15,098 I'm telling her murder, and she's telling me blintzes. 1072 01:07:15,198 --> 01:07:17,934 Hey, you said yourself, there is no right or wrong. 1073 01:07:18,034 --> 01:07:22,640 - It's what you choose! - That's right, and I choose danger! 1074 01:07:22,789 --> 01:07:25,984 - Oh, really? - No, but it did sounded great. 1075 01:07:26,876 --> 01:07:30,405 Oh, Boris, if only we could be children again. 1076 01:07:30,505 --> 01:07:32,573 Yeah, I know. Preferably French children. 1077 01:07:33,299 --> 01:07:37,537 Do you know the only truly happy person I know is Berdykov, the village idiot? 1078 01:07:37,637 --> 01:07:40,290 Well, it's easy to be happy, you know, if your one concern in life 1079 01:07:40,390 --> 01:07:42,500 is figuring out how much saliva to dribble. 1080 01:07:42,600 --> 01:07:43,877 Kiss me! 1081 01:07:43,977 --> 01:07:46,254 - Which one do you want? - Give me a number eight. 1082 01:07:46,354 --> 01:07:49,708 Number eight. That's two fours. Oh, that's an easy one. 1083 01:07:52,986 --> 01:07:54,387 Oh, coming! 1084 01:07:54,487 --> 01:07:56,110 Coming. 1085 01:08:10,003 --> 01:08:11,279 - Are you alone? - Of course. 1086 01:08:11,379 --> 01:08:13,781 - I thought I heard voices. - I was praying. 1087 01:08:13,881 --> 01:08:16,743 - I heard two voices. - Oh, I do both parts. 1088 01:08:16,843 --> 01:08:20,573 - Champagne! From France. - Oh. 1089 01:08:21,389 --> 01:08:23,787 I see you brought the whole kit. 1090 01:08:38,948 --> 01:08:41,892 - To your eyes. - To the bridge of your nose. 1091 01:08:44,871 --> 01:08:48,942 My lust knows no bounds. Shall we, to the bed? 1092 01:08:49,083 --> 01:08:50,480 Shall we what to the bed? 1093 01:08:51,419 --> 01:08:53,146 Forgive my haste. 1094 01:08:53,504 --> 01:08:58,280 We have always heard that Spanish blood is the hottest. 1095 01:08:58,426 --> 01:09:01,287 - I had mine cooled for the summer. - You may set the pace. 1096 01:09:01,387 --> 01:09:02,497 Good, good! 1097 01:09:02,597 --> 01:09:05,458 Why don't we just sit a while and build slowly? 1098 01:09:05,558 --> 01:09:06,834 You don't wanna peak too early. 1099 01:09:06,934 --> 01:09:08,795 You'll be back in your room before midnight. 1100 01:09:08,895 --> 01:09:10,588 You are a temptress. 1101 01:09:10,688 --> 01:09:12,632 Oh, please, Excellency. 1102 01:09:12,732 --> 01:09:16,302 - Call me Napoleon. - Good! You can call me Napoleon, too. 1103 01:09:16,402 --> 01:09:18,346 I've never met a woman like you. 1104 01:09:18,446 --> 01:09:22,849 I could rest my head on your shoulder like this forever. 1105 01:09:22,949 --> 01:09:26,437 Yes, it sounds like it'd be fun except for the grease mark. 1106 01:09:26,537 --> 01:09:28,059 His Excellency. 1107 01:09:35,963 --> 01:09:37,532 - What's that? - Oh, just a breeze. 1108 01:09:37,632 --> 01:09:39,534 - Breeze? - A breeze with mice. 1109 01:09:39,634 --> 01:09:41,327 Mice! What's the difference? 1110 01:09:41,427 --> 01:09:44,289 If I had a woman like you instead of my wife, 1111 01:09:44,389 --> 01:09:46,867 I would conquer all of Europe. 1112 01:09:48,226 --> 01:09:50,253 - What's that? - What... Oh, that? 1113 01:09:50,353 --> 01:09:53,172 I think that was just the old closet door slamming shut. 1114 01:09:53,272 --> 01:09:54,382 One can't be too careful. 1115 01:09:54,482 --> 01:09:56,843 The Russian underground would love me dead. 1116 01:09:56,943 --> 01:09:59,922 I take a great chance in an occupied territory. 1117 01:10:00,113 --> 01:10:02,056 Assassins surround me. 1118 01:10:02,156 --> 01:10:05,935 Every day is another encounter with death. 1119 01:10:06,035 --> 01:10:10,231 Oh, yes, well, this is the price one pays for political power. 1120 01:10:10,331 --> 01:10:12,609 Yes, life at the top is hell. 1121 01:10:12,709 --> 01:10:15,194 Which is why I relish every minute with you. 1122 01:10:15,294 --> 01:10:18,318 Every second means something to me. 1123 01:10:18,423 --> 01:10:20,366 That's why the sooner we... 1124 01:10:20,466 --> 01:10:24,537 The sooner we consummate the act of love the happier I will be. 1125 01:10:24,637 --> 01:10:28,241 - Oh! Go ahead! - I can't! 1126 01:10:28,474 --> 01:10:30,293 - Don Francisco! - Shoot! 1127 01:10:30,393 --> 01:10:32,920 Put down that pistol. She's over 18. 1128 01:10:33,020 --> 01:10:35,590 You're a tyrant and a dictator, and you start wars! 1129 01:10:35,690 --> 01:10:37,383 Why is he reciting my credits? 1130 01:10:37,483 --> 01:10:38,551 - Kill him! - Guards! 1131 01:10:38,651 --> 01:10:39,886 No! 1132 01:10:45,908 --> 01:10:48,269 Boris, we're not here on a vacation! 1133 01:10:48,369 --> 01:10:50,563 Well, I can't shoot him. He's a live human being. 1134 01:10:50,663 --> 01:10:51,731 He'll bleed on the carpet. 1135 01:10:51,831 --> 01:10:53,274 Give me that gun! 1136 01:10:53,958 --> 01:10:56,732 - Oh! - See? It's not so easy. 1137 01:10:58,045 --> 01:11:02,116 - Why? Why can't I do it? - Because it's morally wrong! 1138 01:11:02,216 --> 01:11:04,118 Oh, I see. Well, can you define your terms? 1139 01:11:04,218 --> 01:11:05,912 Yes, there's a moral imperative involved here. 1140 01:11:06,012 --> 01:11:07,413 Yeah, where... Where's the moral imperative? 1141 01:11:07,513 --> 01:11:09,791 Don't you see? By killing Napoleon, you're actually killing yourself 1142 01:11:09,891 --> 01:11:12,919 because we were involved in a kind of total absolute. 1143 01:11:13,019 --> 01:11:15,922 Oh, come on, this isn't a total absolute. You're being pantheistic again. 1144 01:11:16,022 --> 01:11:17,965 - How is that pantheistic? - Come on! 1145 01:11:18,065 --> 01:11:21,135 We all relate universally to a giant oneness. 1146 01:11:21,235 --> 01:11:24,747 Oh, you wanna hit him? He's coming to again. Just give him a little shot. 1147 01:11:24,847 --> 01:11:27,517 Yeah, good. You see, we're dealing with an ethical question here. 1148 01:11:27,617 --> 01:11:30,269 Oh, come on, Boris! You're not gonna quote Thomas Aquinas again. 1149 01:11:30,369 --> 01:11:32,397 Absolutely, where he said, "You must never kill a man 1150 01:11:32,497 --> 01:11:34,065 "particularly if it means taking his life." 1151 01:11:38,878 --> 01:11:40,863 - What's the matter? - Don't you see? 1152 01:11:40,963 --> 01:11:43,574 And if we don't stop him, he'll burn down half of Europe! 1153 01:11:43,674 --> 01:11:46,494 Well, maybe we'll get lucky, and he'll do the half with our landlord in it. 1154 01:11:46,594 --> 01:11:48,996 - Boris! For our children. - We don't have children. 1155 01:11:49,096 --> 01:11:51,082 - Then for our parents. - They don't have children, either. 1156 01:11:51,182 --> 01:11:52,625 Well, I'm going back and I'm gonna kill him! 1157 01:11:52,725 --> 01:11:53,751 - Sonja! - I am. 1158 01:11:53,851 --> 01:11:55,002 No! 1159 01:11:55,102 --> 01:11:58,547 All right. Look. Pull the carriage out front. I'll go kill him. 1160 01:12:06,572 --> 01:12:07,807 Look at him. 1161 01:12:07,907 --> 01:12:10,886 If I don't kill him, he'll make war all through Europe. 1162 01:12:11,619 --> 01:12:13,221 But murder. 1163 01:12:13,704 --> 01:12:15,806 What would Socrates say? 1164 01:12:16,541 --> 01:12:19,064 All those Greeks were homosexuals. 1165 01:12:19,418 --> 01:12:22,021 Boy, they must've had some wild parties. 1166 01:12:22,255 --> 01:12:25,700 I bet they all took a house together on Crete for the summer. 1167 01:12:25,925 --> 01:12:28,369 A, Socrates is a man. 1168 01:12:28,511 --> 01:12:30,830 B, all men are mortal. 1169 01:12:31,097 --> 01:12:33,541 C, all men are Socrates. 1170 01:12:34,225 --> 01:12:36,828 That means all men are homosexuals. 1171 01:12:36,936 --> 01:12:39,038 Oh, I'm not a homosexual. 1172 01:12:40,105 --> 01:12:42,633 Once, some Cossacks whistled at me. 1173 01:12:42,733 --> 01:12:47,847 I happen to have the kind of body that excites both persuasions. 1174 01:12:47,947 --> 01:12:50,767 But... you know, some men are heterosexual 1175 01:12:50,867 --> 01:12:53,140 and some men are bisexual 1176 01:12:53,452 --> 01:12:58,399 and some men don't think about sex at all, you know. They become lawyers. 1177 01:12:58,875 --> 01:13:01,694 My problem is that I see both sides of every issue. 1178 01:13:01,794 --> 01:13:03,362 I'm too logical. 1179 01:13:03,462 --> 01:13:04,697 You know, I... 1180 01:13:04,797 --> 01:13:07,033 The world is not logical. 1181 01:13:07,133 --> 01:13:11,162 If it was logical, how would Old Nehamkin be younger than Young Nehamkin? 1182 01:13:11,262 --> 01:13:14,123 I knew there was something crazy about that when I was a kid 1183 01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:17,452 but every time I said something, they'd smack me, so, you know... 1184 01:13:17,602 --> 01:13:23,549 I'm just racked with guilt and I'm consumed with remorse 1185 01:13:23,649 --> 01:13:27,094 and stricken with suffering for the human race. 1186 01:13:27,194 --> 01:13:31,140 Not only that, but I'm developing a herpes on my lip here 1187 01:13:31,240 --> 01:13:32,892 that is really killing me. 1188 01:13:34,660 --> 01:13:36,262 Oh, what to do! 1189 01:13:51,427 --> 01:13:55,331 Arrest this man for murder! Fortunately, he only killed an impostor. 1190 01:13:55,431 --> 01:13:58,209 I didn't do anything. Hey, take it easy, will you? 1191 01:13:58,309 --> 01:14:00,377 You're bending my throat. 1192 01:14:00,603 --> 01:14:02,964 The Spanish government will hear about this! 1193 01:14:03,064 --> 01:14:06,092 Don Francisco is not a man who takes these things lightly. 1194 01:14:06,192 --> 01:14:11,799 Oh, there's Don Francisco now. There's been a mistake. I know. I made it. 1195 01:14:12,198 --> 01:14:15,810 By some miracle, Sonja managed to elude the French and escape. 1196 01:14:15,910 --> 01:14:19,939 I, with my usual good luck, got thrown in a damp cell to await execution, 1197 01:14:20,039 --> 01:14:21,816 my favorite pastime. 1198 01:14:21,916 --> 01:14:25,816 Fortunately, it was a French jail, so the food was not bad. 1199 01:14:27,213 --> 01:14:29,031 My family was allowed to visit me. 1200 01:14:29,131 --> 01:14:32,451 Remember that nice boy next door? Raskolnikov? 1201 01:14:32,551 --> 01:14:35,074 - Yeah. - He killed two ladies. 1202 01:14:35,304 --> 01:14:37,373 No! What a nasty story. 1203 01:14:37,473 --> 01:14:38,958 Bobick told it to me. 1204 01:14:39,058 --> 01:14:41,627 He heard it from one of the Karamazov brothers. 1205 01:14:41,727 --> 01:14:43,462 Oh, he must have been possessed. 1206 01:14:43,562 --> 01:14:47,258 - Well, he was a raw youth. - Raw youth? He was an idiot. 1207 01:14:47,358 --> 01:14:49,510 And he acted insulted and injured! 1208 01:14:49,610 --> 01:14:51,637 Well, I hear he was a gambler. 1209 01:14:51,737 --> 01:14:56,138 - You know, he could be your double! - Oh, really? How novel. 1210 01:14:56,659 --> 01:15:02,648 Son, for long years, I have saved this piece of land for you. 1211 01:15:02,748 --> 01:15:04,650 Look. It has a house on it. 1212 01:15:04,750 --> 01:15:09,026 It's a nice little house, too. You haven't wasted your life, I see. 1213 01:15:09,255 --> 01:15:12,033 Don't let any strangers come on it. 1214 01:15:12,133 --> 01:15:16,830 No. No strangers. You're a major loon, you know that? 1215 01:15:18,597 --> 01:15:20,207 - Next year... - Yes? 1216 01:15:20,307 --> 01:15:25,463 - I expect to build a guest house. - Oh, a little tiny guest house 1217 01:15:25,563 --> 01:15:30,676 with a handball court, and a little, swimming pool for fleas or something. 1218 01:15:30,776 --> 01:15:35,052 Yes, well, you'll want to get some rest in your rubber bedroom now. 1219 01:15:54,967 --> 01:15:56,239 Who are you? 1220 01:15:56,552 --> 01:15:59,451 I am an angel of God. 1221 01:16:00,431 --> 01:16:01,783 You're kidding! 1222 01:16:02,183 --> 01:16:04,377 Fear not, Boris. 1223 01:16:04,477 --> 01:16:06,500 You have led a just life. 1224 01:16:06,771 --> 01:16:09,966 And at the last minute before the execution, 1225 01:16:10,399 --> 01:16:12,843 the Emperor plans to pardon you. 1226 01:16:13,986 --> 01:16:15,388 Really? 1227 01:16:15,488 --> 01:16:18,933 He will make a great personal show of his generosity 1228 01:16:19,450 --> 01:16:22,303 and you will have learned your lesson. 1229 01:16:22,661 --> 01:16:26,607 But you will not be executed. 1230 01:16:28,334 --> 01:16:32,155 Then there is a God! Incredible! 1231 01:16:32,922 --> 01:16:34,990 Moses was right. 1232 01:16:35,091 --> 01:16:38,661 He that abideth in truth 1233 01:16:38,761 --> 01:16:41,497 and will have frankincense and myrrh 1234 01:16:41,597 --> 01:16:44,951 smeared on his gums in abundance 1235 01:16:45,059 --> 01:16:49,338 and he shall dwell in the house of the Lord for six months 1236 01:16:49,438 --> 01:16:53,634 with an option to buy. But the wicked man... 1237 01:16:53,734 --> 01:16:56,846 The wicked man shall have all kinds of problems. 1238 01:16:56,946 --> 01:17:00,057 His tongue shall cleave to the roof of his upper palate 1239 01:17:00,157 --> 01:17:03,477 and he shall speak like a woman, if you watch him closely. 1240 01:17:03,577 --> 01:17:05,813 And he shall... He shall... 1241 01:17:05,913 --> 01:17:09,400 The wicked man shall be delivered into the hands of his enemy 1242 01:17:09,500 --> 01:17:12,111 whether they can pay the delivery charge or not. 1243 01:17:12,211 --> 01:17:15,656 And... And... Wait, I have more about the wicked man. 1244 01:17:15,756 --> 01:17:19,486 I shall walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. 1245 01:17:20,302 --> 01:17:22,455 In fact, now that I think of it, 1246 01:17:22,555 --> 01:17:25,666 I shall run through the Valley of the Shadow of Death 1247 01:17:25,766 --> 01:17:28,502 'cause you get out of the valley quicker that way. 1248 01:17:28,602 --> 01:17:32,715 And he that hath clean hands and a pure heart 1249 01:17:32,815 --> 01:17:34,300 is okay in my book. 1250 01:17:34,400 --> 01:17:37,803 But he that fools around 1251 01:17:37,903 --> 01:17:42,266 with barnyard animals has gotta be watched. 1252 01:17:42,366 --> 01:17:43,683 I thank you. 1253 01:17:48,873 --> 01:17:51,021 All right, Grushenko, come on, let's go. 1254 01:17:51,417 --> 01:17:54,320 You guys are late. I've been waiting here since 6:30. 1255 01:17:54,420 --> 01:17:55,821 You're awfully cheerful. 1256 01:17:55,921 --> 01:17:58,032 Yeah, you know how it is when you're extra brave. 1257 01:17:58,132 --> 01:17:59,700 Probably not. 1258 01:18:08,434 --> 01:18:11,538 Busy day? Are you guys having a sale? 1259 01:18:12,271 --> 01:18:14,548 Oh, no blindfold. That's for losers. 1260 01:18:14,648 --> 01:18:17,802 I like to see where the bullet hits. I learned that during the war. 1261 01:18:17,902 --> 01:18:20,471 I was decorated, you know. Yeah. 1262 01:18:20,971 --> 01:18:23,345 Wonder what the Emperor's doing today. 1263 01:18:24,116 --> 01:18:25,059 Ready. 1264 01:18:25,159 --> 01:18:26,393 You guys want to move a little closer? 1265 01:18:26,493 --> 01:18:29,267 You don't wanna miss, you, know. Looks bad on the report. 1266 01:18:29,371 --> 01:18:30,856 Aim. 1267 01:18:30,956 --> 01:18:33,484 Boy, the Emperor's really cutting it close. 1268 01:18:33,584 --> 01:18:35,528 What a flair for the dramatic. 1269 01:18:35,628 --> 01:18:37,526 That old sly boots. 1270 01:18:37,963 --> 01:18:39,315 Fire! 1271 01:18:40,716 --> 01:18:44,286 It's a very complicated situation, Cousin Sonja. 1272 01:18:44,720 --> 01:18:48,415 I'm in love with Alexi. He loves Alicia. 1273 01:18:48,641 --> 01:18:51,961 Alicia's having an affair with Lev. 1274 01:18:52,645 --> 01:18:54,630 Lev loves Tatiana. 1275 01:18:54,730 --> 01:18:56,798 Tatiana loves Simkin. 1276 01:18:57,316 --> 01:18:59,384 Simkin loves me. 1277 01:19:00,527 --> 01:19:04,097 I love Simkin, but in a different way than Alexi. 1278 01:19:05,241 --> 01:19:08,094 Alexi loves Tatiana like a sister. 1279 01:19:08,661 --> 01:19:12,516 Tatiana's sister loves Trigorian like a brother. 1280 01:19:13,165 --> 01:19:16,610 Trigorian's brother is having an affair with my sister, 1281 01:19:17,253 --> 01:19:20,781 whom he likes physically, but not spiritually. 1282 01:19:20,881 --> 01:19:23,575 Natasha, it's getting a little late. 1283 01:19:23,842 --> 01:19:25,828 The firm of Mishkin and Mishkin 1284 01:19:25,928 --> 01:19:29,032 is sleeping with the firm of Taskov and Taskov. 1285 01:19:29,848 --> 01:19:32,918 Natasha, to love is to suffer. 1286 01:19:33,018 --> 01:19:35,792 To avoid suffering, one must not love. 1287 01:19:36,021 --> 01:19:38,215 But then one suffers from not loving. 1288 01:19:38,315 --> 01:19:42,553 Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, 1289 01:19:42,653 --> 01:19:47,141 to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. 1290 01:19:47,241 --> 01:19:51,478 To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. 1291 01:19:51,578 --> 01:19:55,065 Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, 1292 01:19:55,165 --> 01:19:58,027 or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. 1293 01:19:58,127 --> 01:20:00,070 I hope you're getting this down. 1294 01:20:01,422 --> 01:20:03,990 I never want to marry. 1295 01:20:05,426 --> 01:20:07,995 I just want to get divorced. 1296 01:20:08,470 --> 01:20:11,449 Oh, look! Look, it's Boris. 1297 01:20:15,686 --> 01:20:18,414 Boris! Boris, what happened? 1298 01:20:18,731 --> 01:20:20,925 - I got screwed. - How? 1299 01:20:21,025 --> 01:20:23,135 I don't know. Some vision came and said 1300 01:20:23,235 --> 01:20:25,554 that I was gonna get pardoned, and they shot me. 1301 01:20:25,821 --> 01:20:28,265 You were my one great love. 1302 01:20:28,574 --> 01:20:32,770 Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead. 1303 01:20:33,162 --> 01:20:36,482 - What's it like? - What's it like? 1304 01:20:36,582 --> 01:20:38,400 You know the chicken at Tresky's restaurant? 1305 01:20:38,500 --> 01:20:40,193 - Yeah. - It's worse. 1306 01:20:46,383 --> 01:20:49,328 Worse than the chicken at Tresky's. 1307 01:20:49,428 --> 01:20:52,077 Oh, well, life must go on. 1308 01:20:52,931 --> 01:20:55,334 The last traces of the shimmering dusk 1309 01:20:55,434 --> 01:20:58,788 are setting behind the quickly darkening evening 1310 01:20:59,271 --> 01:21:01,214 and it's only noon. 1311 01:21:02,483 --> 01:21:05,553 Soon we shall be covered by wheat. 1312 01:21:06,904 --> 01:21:10,099 Did you say, "Wheat"? 1313 01:21:11,408 --> 01:21:12,930 Wheat. 1314 01:21:13,786 --> 01:21:17,773 Wheat. I'm dead, they're talking about wheat. 1315 01:21:17,873 --> 01:21:21,227 The question is, have I learned anything about life? 1316 01:21:21,460 --> 01:21:25,736 Only that... Only that human beings are divided into mind and body. 1317 01:21:25,839 --> 01:21:28,367 The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, 1318 01:21:28,467 --> 01:21:30,695 like poetry and philosophy, 1319 01:21:30,969 --> 01:21:33,247 but the body has all the fun. 1320 01:21:34,598 --> 01:21:37,793 The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. 1321 01:21:38,018 --> 01:21:42,214 You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that He's evil. 1322 01:21:42,314 --> 01:21:44,466 I think that the worst you could say about Him 1323 01:21:44,566 --> 01:21:47,177 is that basically He's an underachiever. 1324 01:21:47,877 --> 01:21:51,181 After all, you know, there are worse things in life than death. 1325 01:21:51,281 --> 01:21:54,435 I mean, if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, 1326 01:21:54,535 --> 01:21:56,763 you know exactly what I mean. 1327 01:21:56,995 --> 01:22:00,733 The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end, 1328 01:22:00,833 --> 01:22:04,153 but think of it more as a very effective way 1329 01:22:04,253 --> 01:22:06,776 of cutting down on your expenses. 1330 01:22:07,047 --> 01:22:08,657 Regarding love... 1331 01:22:08,757 --> 01:22:10,659 You know, what can you say? 1332 01:22:10,759 --> 01:22:15,247 It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that count. 1333 01:22:15,347 --> 01:22:17,082 It's the quality. 1334 01:22:17,182 --> 01:22:21,587 On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, 1335 01:22:21,687 --> 01:22:24,131 I would definitely look into it. 1336 01:22:24,398 --> 01:22:29,261 Well, that's about it for me, folks. Goodbye.